Chapter 99
“I needed…” Killian fumbled through his words, as though he’d kept quiet so long that they wouldn’t simply come to him; rather, he had to actively search for them, test them out before he could say them aloud.
“I thought I could make my way to the chapel, no problem. For a long time I wondered if it was worth the risk, but it was…I didn’t come when Mom died, even though I looked up when the funeral was.
I’ve never been able to forget it, that I didn’t go, that I never got to say goodbye, but I guess it was…
you know, I was too scared to come. And afterwards, it was too late.
So this time, with Dad, I felt like I had no choice.
And I figured I would make it easy and quick.
But when I got there, it was like something grabbed hold of me. ”
He frowned, as if his story had already gone wrong.
“I don’t know how to describe it.”
He came through the forest, avoiding roads and trails, but it was hard to figure out where to go. He knew about the landslide, of course, but he hadn’t realized how much had been destroyed. Or had it always looked like this? He couldn’t tell what was changed and what he had simply forgotten.
Between the trees he caught a glimpse of a woman working in a garden.
She wore jeans and a T-shirt in the warm morning sun, and she was holding a big watering can.
Killian stopped to watch her. He was close enough to hear the burbling of the water from the can, its gentle splatter on leaves and petals.
It was her. In the split second before she turned and looked straight at him, there at the forest’s edge, he knew.
He couldn’t simply pass by, avoid her. And when she touched his cheek, as if to make sure he was really there, something remarkable happened: she burst out laughing, just as Sander would do in a few days’ time.
—
Felicia convinced him to come back to her house after the funeral.
She needed to make an appearance at the reception at the village hall; she’d said she would be there, and if she didn’t turn up people would wonder where she was.
Then she had to go in to work for a while. But she asked him to stick around.
“Just so we can talk a little more,” she said. “So I can understand. That’s all. Just for a little while.”
So, after the funeral, he came back. She had left the front door unlocked.
Killian sat down at the kitchen table and hoped Felicia would arrive soon.
He couldn’t think.
He had been spotted during the funeral, he was sure of it, but he told himself it was just the shock of being back, that and his grief over his father’s death.
It was kymig, he thought, how he’d stayed away so long to protect not just himself but others.
Now he was completely unprotected, vulnerable.
Time passed. An hour, maybe two? He tentatively walked through Felicia’s house, as if it might contain clues to the person she’d become. He pulled photo albums from the shelves and saw faces he didn’t recognize, men and children, scenes from a life he had missed out on.
Someone arrived. He heard brisk steps in the yard and realized it wasn’t Felicia. As if to confirm why his hands were trembling, Killian went to the door and opened it, and there he stood. He had changed into work clothes, like this was simply a brief stop on the way. Maybe it was.
There was a moment of absolute silence as they stood there, taking in what had become of one another. Killian was astonished. In Filip’s face, he saw a life that reminded him of his own.
“I thought you might be here,” Filip said. “I’m sorry for your loss. I have to go to work, but I thought we should talk.” He was holding a large, dark object in his hand. “I have a feeling you recognize this.”
The spade. Everything surrounding Killian fell apart.