Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
TREVOR
Ifinish, look at Paige, and wait. I wait for something, anything, but she remains silent, sitting there with her hands now primly folded on her lap, staring at me like she’s waiting for me to say something else.
“I know it was confusing earlier—er, last night. But you asked if it was Krista, and I’m not sure, but I think it might have been her and the guy she was there with.”
“Okay.” She says one word … She says one word and decides on “okay.”
“Okay … what? Honey, that was a lot. I could use a little more than that.” Her hands and jaw clench simultaneously, and I shrink back as I watch her eyes turn ice-cold.
“You want more? Okay, sure. I can give you more.” She sits up again, the blanket baring her dark bruise once more.
“Okay. I’m glad you got to go out and drink with your buddies.
Okay. I’m glad you were able to keep your momma happy.
Okay. I’m glad that you supposedly didn’t fuck your assistant in your car.
Okay. Okay. Okay!” Her voice rises with each word until she’s shouting the last. “This story didn’t exonerate you from your behavior yesterday, this week, or over the last few weeks, Trevor.
” An aggressive slash of her hand comes dangerously close to my face.
I move backward an inch or so to avoid her talking hands.
“That travesty of a dinner opened my eyes to so much more than an empty condom packet.” A passing car’s lights briefly illuminate her furious face before returning us to the semi-darkness.
“The condoms were just the final cut in a million other slices that your choices have brought to our marriage.” She leans back toward me and whispers viciously, “We already were going to have a discussion before your choices led to my discovery. That lovely little surprise accelerated things.”
“But, Paige, it’s all just a misunderstanding. I didn’t actually—”
She stands, and I fall back. “Stop! Stop.” I do, then scramble to my feet.
Paige begins to pace, occasionally turning to me.
“I need you to listen to me. I just found out, from your mother, during a family dinner, that you missed an important night because of a woman you assured me was not going to be a problem. You promised me. Well, Trevor, not only is she a problem, but you’re a problem, too.
” She jabs her hand out in my direction, but I manage to mostly dodge her.
“No, Paige. Listen to me. I am not, and have never been, interested in her. We only work together. The way you were talking that day was like you thought I wanted her. I only want you.” I take a step toward her, but she takes a swift step back.
“You have been making a lot of choices that contradict that statement. I saw you in your office, Trevor. And it didn’t seem very one-sided.”
“I mean, I just started to realize I was maybe a little too close to her—”
“Just started? When? Yesterday, when she tried to fucking kiss you? You think, Trevor?” Her voice hits a shriek before settling into a deadly calm. “You say that today is a new day, right?”
“No. Well, yes. Shit, I don’t know. Yes. Today is a new day.”
“Okay, so then I told you Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday—” She counts the days out on her fingers and holds up her hand so I’m fully aware. “Five days ago, she was getting too close. July first. Remember? Do you remember that day?”
“Yes. But you don’t underst—”
“Don’t. You. Dare say that I don’t understand you, you Neanderthal!”
“Paige, that’s not—”
“Fair? Are you actually going to say fair? Do you know what’s not fair?
Having my concerns dismissed, only to be proven right.
And what do I get for being right?” She pauses for a breath.
“Devastation.” Paige steps away from me, running her hands through her hair, shaking her head.
She walks to the other side of the room, then walks right back, finger outstretched toward me.
“Do me a favor. Stop talking. I sat and listened to you spew nothing but a bunch of bologna and excuses for what felt like days, so now it’s your turn to listen. ”
I want nothing more than to fight her on this point, but instead, I nod.
“I’m going to ask you a few questions. I want you to answer them. Straightforward. Don’t hedge. In fact, just nod or shake your head unless I tell you otherwise. Do you understand? Nod yes or no.”
I nod again.
“Did you spend your lunches with her, privately, for weeks?” I open my mouth, but she slashes her hand. “Just nod yes or no.”
I nod.
“Have you had lunch with your son or me once since those lunches started?”
I nod.
She hisses, “During the work week.”
“Work has—”
“Trevor, the instructions are not difficult. Nod or shake your head. Maybe pay a little attention to what is happening here.”
I shake my head.
“Do you think she’s attractive”
I choke on my words and nod again. My gorgeous wife’s face goes blank.
“Did you touch her?”
I open my mouth, then close it when she narrows her eyes. I nod.
“Did you allow her to hold your hand in the middle of a family dinner?”
I can’t help but ask a question here. “What are you talking about?”
Her eyes glint with anger as her voice hits a dangerous whisper. “At dinner on Saturday, after supposedly all of these terrible things happened, did you let that woman hold your hand in front of your entire family?”
I drop my chin to my chest and give one brief jerk of my head.
“Taking away all of your pretty reasons and pretty little lies you tell yourself, it sounds a lot like you were cheating on me, Trevor.”
I jerk my head back up. “No! God no, Paige. Look. I know that things looked bad, but I-I was out of my mind. I was trying to put everything together, and the way my parents seemed to be encouraging it all? I wasn’t thinking about holding someone’s stupid fucking hand.
” Desperation is raging through me. This conversation is not supposed to go this way. This isn’t right.
“Trevor, what about this—” Her hand moves, indicating her and me. “If you can’t think or control a situation, why should I trust you to behave in a way that honors and respects me and our marriage?”
“Because I love you!” I bellow the words, and she flinches as if I hit her. I want to gather her into my arms, but instead, I take a step back.
“Your love is starting to feel a lot like pain.” My heart and soul fracture at the words, spoken so quietly and plainly from the love of my life.
“Paige?” My voice cracks, and I can’t continue because … I don’t have anything I can say.
“I think—I think that you need to leave.” The silence of our room suffocates me, even as her clean scent gives me the fresh air to breathe.
“I-I don’t think it’s s-safe for the baby.
” Paige hiccups on a sob as she stands there, directly in front of me.
“In such a sh-short amount of time, I’ve stopped trusting you.
” Her voice is soft and so broken. She swallows before continuing to eviscerate me. “I think you need to leave.”
“Paige, I can’t go. You remember what happened when you were pregnant with Jacob. You can’t be here alone. I need to be here. I need to monitor—think about what almost happened last time.” I’m pleading, panic clawing up my throat.
“Last time, you would never have stood me up for another woman.”
I recoil at her words. “Paige, seriously, you know—you know that I have to be here.”
“I know that you need to leave. We can talk—” She wipes her face, collecting the fallen tears on her hand. “We can talk about the details another time. I need to go back to bed and figure everything else out another time. I’m tired, Trevor. I’m so damn tired.”
“We can talk more later?” I barely croak out a reply.
She dips her head in a small nod, then turns from me, walking to our room and stopping at the entrance. “And Trevor?” She doesn’t even look before continuing. “You need to talk to Bethany about your suspicions as soon as possible.” Paige shuts the door quietly behind her.
I walk out of here while the sun is still down, but the moon glows brightly enough to act as a somber guide to …
nowhere. Where am I supposed to go? My family—the only family that matters—belongs in the house I’m actively walking away from, each step farther from my home and down this quiet road is heavier than my last.
I scan the path ahead of me, and my eyes catch on a particularly round rock, glowing pale gray in the moonlight. I watch it as I move closer, the dull roar of a southern summer night the backdrop to my riotous thoughts.
I’m exhausted. I’m delirious. I’m hoping this is all some kind of psychotic break where I finally snapped under all the pressure, and my wife didn’t just accuse me of cheating on her with a woman I work with.
One I thought I knew, who I obviously don’t.
One who—I gulp down more regret in a dry swallow before forcing myself to finish the thought—I fully believe betrayed my sister. And I blamed my sister.
I stop and close my eyes as shame settles over every part of me.
My skin prickles with the feel of it weighing me down where I stand.
I’m shrugging my shoulders and shuffling my feet in an effort to shake it off, but it seems to settle more heavily upon me, wrapping around me like a cloak and tightening like a noose.
My eyes catch again on the perfectly round stone. I’m closer now, practically standing on it, so I try to kick the damn thing. I put my frustration, heartache, and helplessness into the forces and flow through. My foot flies right over it.
“Fucking hell!” I stare at the smooth perfection of the stupid fucking rock as my mind wanders through the current state of my life.
I thought it was like this stupid stone.
Flawless, perfect. But Paige is right. I’ve shined my life to resemble perfection while it’s rotting underneath.
This week has started to uncover the filth.
That dinner has uncovered more of it. It’s been festering and growing while I’ve desperately patched and repaired and worked to cover every crack and shine every blemish before it touched the people I love.
That dinner. The nuances that I willfully ignored or promised myself I’d make up for in other ways, in other places in our lives.
I did it all to fulfill my obligations, but there were giant, waving, red flags.
The mocking looks, silent dismissals, and even the Goddamn seating arrangement were pieces of the passive-aggressive shit I’ve been putting my family through for years.
My wife. My son. Even, I’m starting to realize, my sister.
My son. My new baby. My pregnant wife. “Jesus, what have I done?” My throat starts to close as my breathing picks up.
After everything we went through, everything I sacrificed to ensure he could come home, alive and healthy, and to have a home to come to, I still subject him to this? The familiar sensation of drowning on dry land starts to come over me, and the thoughts continue to suffocate me.
Paige is pregnant, and she wants me gone. What if she wants a divorce? She won’t have my insurance anymore. She’ll be alone. What if it all happens again?
My vision blurs, starting at the edges and swiftly closing in. This time, I embrace it, hopeful for sweet oblivion rather than the torment I’m currently feeling.
Oblivion isn’t given to me. Instead, memories assault me with their sharp clarity, pulling me back to what used to be the worst days of my life.