Chapter Nine #4
I was a mess. I could barely spit out a sentence without bursting into anxiety-filled tears. I knew it was only a matter of time before my ears and tail popped out, and I needed to be far away from Rowena before that happened.
I tore away from her, bolting through the kitchen door so violently the old hinges screamed like an angry raccoon.
I yanked my cloak off its hanger, dove into the corner of the room behind the cauldron, and huddled against the wall with my knees against my chest. I had just enough time to pull my cloak over my head before the inevitable happened.
I sighed, rubbing my furry red ears with my thumbs.
Please… I begged , tugging on my ears as if they could understand me . Please go away. Please disappear and let me be human again.
I blinked, and hot, salty tears slipped down my cheeks.
Why does this keep happening to me?
“Nettie?”
I heard the kitchen door swing open, and I yanked my cloak so far over my head that it covered my eyes.
This was it. Rowena would see my ears and tail and know I was a werewolf. I’d be banished at best, and maimed or killed at worst. Plus, word of this would likely get back to my father, and he’d send out a search party to haul me home, dead or alive.
The soft thud of black boots against hardwood echoed through the room. Out of the very bottom of my hood, I could see the hem of Rowena’s black dress as she knelt in front of me.
I clenched my limbs to stop them from trembling. This was all my fault. If I hadn’t sent myself into a spiraling panic, none of this would be happening.
I wouldn’t be…
“Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth.”
I startled, pulling my hood up a fraction of an inch. I could see Rowena’s hands folded in her lap, but I still couldn’t see her face.
“W-what?”
“You’re having a panic attack.” Rowena reached out and steadied her hands on my shoulders. Every muscle in my body immediately loosened. Even in my hysterical state, her touch felt wonderful.
I pulled my hood up even further, and the sight of Rowena’s gentle, concerned brown eyes made my lungs loosen.
Within them, there was no sign of judgment.
She didn’t think I was weird. She had no idea what was going on, or why her words sent me into such a panic.
At that moment, her only concern was calming me down.
“Breathe in through your nose,” she instructed again, applying gentle pressure to my shoulders. It felt soothing, and I scolded myself for having sudden fantasies of Rowena giving me a shoulder massage.
I closed my eyes, blocking out my sense of sight, and inhaled slowly and deeply. I imagined my stomach filling up like a balloon, rising and expanding until it could simply float away.
“Okay,” Rowena continued. “Now out through your mouth.”
I curled my lips into a tight O , blowing out a smooth, solid stream of air. Aria would be proud , I chuckled to myself. I opened my eyes and realized the little elemental was still there, tucked against Rowena’s skirts with a concerned expression on her face.
I smiled. I was so used to her just puffing away. I hadn’t realized she’d stayed with me this whole time. She was concerned about me. She cared about me.
And I cared about her.
I cared about this café.
I cared about Rowena.
I continued the breathing pattern, slowly and meticulously, and tried to reassure myself I was safe.
I was among friends. Aria already knew I was a werewolf, and even though Rowena didn’t, she’d shown she cared about my well-being.
I knew my ears were still there, their outline partially visible through the heavy cloak.
But Rowena had been so preoccupied with calming me down she hadn’t noticed them.
Or at least, she never pointed them out. Even as they receded, magically disappearing into my thick red hair, Rowena didn’t say anything. She knelt there, unwavering, with her hands still cupping my shoulders as my last bits of anxiety melted away.
“Thank you,” I sighed, my voice sounding like I was out of breath.
Rowena nodded, but didn’t respond. She went to pull her hands away from my shoulders, but stopped just as her palms slid off them. I peered up at her petite face, and she looked lost in thought, as if she couldn’t make up her mind about something.
Before I could react, she pulled me into a hug.
My heart nearly burst. I couldn’t believe this was happening. My eyes widened as I hovered between euphoria and panic, wanting to both pull away and sink into her touch. I decided on the latter, and my shaking hands gently wrapped around her back, reciprocating her embrace.
As usual, she smelled like lavender, and it felt like her perfume was wrapping my nose in a hug. It smelled gentle. Comforting. Nostalgic.
It smelled like home.
Rowena pulled away as suddenly as she’d hugged me, and without a word, she stood up and walked out of the kitchen, closing the door behind her.
Once again, I was speechless. Completely and utterly dumbfounded.
How am I supposed to react to this?
I could lie to myself. I could tell myself it was the hug of a friend, nothing more, and that I’d be able to go on my merry way in a few weeks without a single shred of remorse.
That Rowena was merely my employer, and her comfort was strictly professional.
She’d pulled me out of my panic attack so I’d be functional again and could continue cleaning the café.
In my young life, I’d had a few flings, mostly inconsequential with no strings attached. I’d never truly been in a relationship, but even I knew friends didn’t hug like that. They didn’t embrace each other, melting into each other’s arms, until the rest of the world slipped away.
That was what lovers did.
And nothing will ever come of it, I growled, reminding myself of the truth. She’s still a witch. You’re still a werewolf.
I stumbled to my feet, my legs still tingling from my earlier panic attack. It was now past 3 p.m., which meant the café was closed. I needed to hop back into the kitchen and help Rowena finish cleaning up.
We did so in absolute silence. I couldn’t read Rowena’s emotions, or lack thereof, and it frustrated me. It was as if she’d shut down all sense of feeling in her brain. She was hard as stone.
I fought down the lump in my throat. I hated this. The reluctance, the fear, the layers of secrets that divided us. Rowena was hiding something, but so was I. Our relationship, whatever it may currently be, was built on a web of lies.
“Well…” My voice broke the awkward tension in the air. I’d just finished cleaning the front counter. Aria had disappeared, although I knew she’d likely re-summon in my cottage later. Or I could always summon her myself, thanks to Rowena’s instructions. “I guess I’ll be off.”
“Headed home?” Rowena asked. Her voice sounded so distant.
“Um… no. I have the esbat to attend.” I frowned. “Don’t you?”
Rowena shook her head. “I’m not part of the coven.”
“You’re not? But wh-”
“Have fun though,” Rowena cut me off as she brushed past me, heading toward the kitchen. She’d already turned the lights off, and the café was shrouded in a dark gloom. “Now that you know you have witch blood, it should be easier to play along.”
“Rowena, I–”
“You should go ahead and leave out the back door. I have a few things to attend to here, and I’ll have to lock up behind you.”
I opened my mouth, then shut it again. Rowena clearly didn’t want to talk, to the point of interrupting me every time I tried to say something.
Then I reminded myself I shouldn’t care. She was my employer. She was a witch.
And I was pathetic.
“Sounds good,” I replied, keeping my voice as level and polite as possible. I strolled right through the kitchen door, refusing to glance in Rowena’s direction.
I don’t care. I don’t care.
I was well on my way to the town hall, where coven meetings were held, when I finally felt I could breathe again.
I did care. But I could deal with those emotions later.
First, I had a coven meeting to attend. And I needed to pretend to be a witch now more than ever.