Chapter 22
22
COOPER
I never told you this, but I spoke to Hightower in the hospital, before I flew home. He came to see me, after my op. The op. He slipped through the net. I told the nurses and Trevor not to let any visitors in and at that point they were all bending over backwards in a bid to stop me complaining to the big wigs. You could hear the eggshells cracking and crunching under their tip-toeing feet.
I was kind of enjoying it, at least it distracted me from facing the truth of my new life a little. As you know, I wasn’t a fan.
Hightower practically shimmied under the tent flap to get to me. He was so stealthy I didn’t even see him until he was standing right in front of me.
I remember our conversation, even now.
‘Jesus, stalk much?’
He had laughed then, a deep booming laugh that matched his huge frame. They didn’t just call him Hightower because he was a crack shot sniper. The guy was huge.
‘I came to check on you. I can’t stay long though; the guys aren’t doing well with the new dickhead in command.’
I laughed, but the pain soon cut off my chortling. Hightower’s jaw tensed, but he said nothing. In our line of work, we know that our buddies have our back, but seeing them hurt, or worse, is unthinkable. When it does happen, we go to the mats for that guy, get to them, bring them home. Even if it’s just their body, we risk our lives to get it. We know that we won’t sleep, knowing that we left them there. We bring home what we can. There are lots of things we don’t talk about. Is it a guy thing? I don’t know. Till you, I never understood the importance of expressing how you feel. I kept it zipped up. Locked and loaded.
‘Who is it, Daley?’
Hightower snorted, taking a seat in the plastic chair the doc had vacated. ‘You wish it was Daley, at least the guy has chops. Nope, Simmons.’
‘Christ!’ I said, the pain worth the chance of a semi-normal conversation. ‘I would rather be shot in the face.’
We both laughed, till the pain in my leg started again, and I fell silent.
‘You met my doctor? She’s a real piece of work. You should ask her to lead you. She is properly bloodthirsty.’ He gave me a look that kept me from saying more.
In our years of working together, Hightower and I have learnt to read each other so well that a look, an eye roll, speaks volumes to each other. He is the brother I never got to have in real life. In more ways than one. Sometimes, there are things thicker than blood in this life. Family is formed, not always born.
Sitting back in his chair, he folded one leg up and rested one ankle of top of his knee. His boot scraped against the side of the bed, brushing dust onto the white sheet. It looked all the darker against the clean cotton.
‘You need to quit being a pain in the ass. I know what you’re thinking, and you can’t blame her.’ What Hightower said to me then stayed with me, even though I buried it. Knowing what I know now, it makes perfect sense.
‘Coop,’ he said, fixing a glare on me that pinned me to the bed. ‘She saved you for a reason. You can’t blame her for doing her job. She’s here to save lives, just like us. We’re in the same line of work.’
I said nothing. What could I say? By that time I was too far gone in my anger. You know by now, I can be stubborn when I want to be.
‘She’s like you, and you haven’t even noticed yet. It was like talking to you, speaking with her. Same stubborn attitude. This happened for a reason, Cooper. Don’t give up.’
You see? Even then, people knew better than I did.
Later that night, Kate was reading Harry Potter to Jamie in his room. They had started it before she went away, and tonight was the first night since the accident that he had even mentioned a book. She had sent the nurse away, and she and Cooper had taken him to his room, where he had played Star Wars till his eyelids had started to droop. He was full of chatter after his day out, and Cooper matched his enthusiasm, talking about superheroes. Arguing, truth be told. Apparently, Cooper had an intense dislike of Thor. Jamie found this hilarious. Once Jamie was looking thoroughly ready for a good sleep, Cooper had said goodbye, saying he was headed to the gym.
Kate knew he was giving them space to talk. Jamie had let her bathe him and help him with his PJs. The small actions of helping her son get ready for bed almost made her weep for the past. She wondered how she’d ever moaned about the minutiae of life, the daily routines of raising a child. She’d always thought that she needed to blaze a trail in the world, but maybe she just had to look after her son. Help him live a normal life. Or even an extraordinary one.
‘Mum, where’s Dad? Grandma and Granddad kept changing the subject. I don’t think they wanted to tell me.’ Kate’s brows lifted in surprise but she soon recovered. Maybe they did care about him. Enough to shield him from the harsh truth at least. Maybe they didn’t know the truth. It certainly seemed that way today.
‘Your dad loves you,’ she said, settling him under the duvet. She ruffled his hair, smoothing it to one side with her hand. It was still damp from his bath, and she could see the drying curls of hair at the back of his head. He looked up at her from the pillow, and his little eyes broke her heart. ‘He will always love you. It’s just that sometimes, things are complicated for grown-ups. I promise you, one day it will all make sense. For now, I just want you to concentrate on getting better.’
Jamie nodded. Kate waited for him to ask something else, but he just sagged against the pillows. Kate got up to leave then, tip-toeing across the dimly lit room, but a voice stopped her.
‘Mum, will you read to me? We have the books from our old house now.’
Kate was still facing the door, and she blinked away the tears that threatened to spill out.
‘Sure,’ she said, walking to the bookshelf. ‘I’d like that very much.’
Kate hadn’t been back in her room long before she heard a soft knock at her door. She was in a black vest top and soft white cotton shorts, her hair still in a towel from her own shower. She was sat cross-legged on her bed, bungalow listings spread out on the covers.
‘Kate, you there?’ His quiet voice sounded concerned. She uncurled her limbs, heading for the door. Opening it, she looked down to see him, expecting him to be in his chair, but her eyes landed on his hips. She flushed and heard a chuckle. ‘You know, I have a face. You can’t treat a man like a piece of meat.’
He had one arm on the door jamb, looking every inch the cocky soldier she once thought him to be. Kate looked down the corridor beyond him.
‘Someone will see me out here. You should invite me in.’
Kate looked at Cooper, but he just stood there grinning back at her.
‘And they won’t talk if I have a patient in my room?’ She countered, stepping back to let him in. He strode in, watching her check the corridor once more and lock the door. The room was quiet, and the silence seemed to register for them both at the same time. Cooper looked around the room, settling his gaze on the papers strewn on the bed.
‘I didn’t mean to disturb you,’ he nodded towards them. ‘I just wanted to see if you were okay, after today. What did Jamie say? Did he ask about his Dad?’
Kate went to run her fingers through her hair as she composed the words and felt the towel. She pulled it from her head, fanning out her hair. ‘Sorry, I look a mess. We didn’t talk about it much. He has questions, and as yet, I don’t know how to answer them.’
She folded the towel over the radiator, pushing her still-damp hair off her face. Cooper made no move to come closer, and she knew he was trying to be there for her. She hated that she had dragged him into this too. He had enough to deal with.
‘Listen, Cooper,’ she began.
‘Don’t.’ His voice was so low she didn’t trust what she had heard at first.
‘What?’
‘Don’t. I know what you’re going to do, and I am saying no. If you want to end this because you don’t like me, then fine. Otherwise, the answer is no.’
He walked towards her then. Slow steady strides, as surefooted as any man. He put his arms around her, his warm skin bringing out goosebumps on hers. He lowered his face to hers, and stopping just before he touched his lips to hers, he asked again.
‘Well?’
She could feel the heat from his lips near hers. Her whole body was warmed by his touch.
‘It’s not that simple,’ she protested weakly. ‘You have so much to deal with, and the whole thing is just a mess. You don’t know the half of it.’
He released her, and she thought he was going to back away, but instead he bent down, lifting his trouser leg. She could see the metal of his prosthetic underneath.
‘This is what I have to deal with. I can stand on my own two feet, Kate. The rest of it we can figure out. The only thing I need to know is whether or not you actually want this. All in.’ He stood up, giving her a little smile before heading to the door. He pointed to the papers on the bed. ‘Try and get some sleep, okay?’
Before she could form an answer in her own head, he had flicked the lock and slipped out. She locked her door back up and went back to the papers. She knew where he stood now, and she knew he was laying his cards on the table. In his own way, he was telling her he wanted them, no matter what. Today hadn’t spooked him. He’d been there for her. Been nice to Jamie’s grandparents. Looked after them both without passing comment.
She just had to take the leap with him. The problem was, it wasn’t that easy to leap into the arms of a man when her arms were already laden with all the excess baggage of her life. She felt like she was dragging Neil along with her, a ghost figure in the relationship, and now Cooper had even met her ex-in-laws. Awkward wasn’t the word. They didn’t know the full story yet, and Neil was obviously in hiding. When it came out, the shit would hit the fan. Did she want Cooper to have to deal with that, too? He didn’t do relationships. To be in one with her was… difficult. What you had was a Shakespearean tragedy in the making, not the ideal conditions for a tentative new relationship. It was when she noticed she was dripping water on the listings from her still wet hair that she gave in and went to bed. It would still all be there in the morning. Maybe it would look better then.
Kate rapped on Trevor’s door, uniform on and hair pinned back. She felt like she hadn’t slept, but she had done some thinking.
‘Come in,’ Trevor’s voice came from behind the door. She didn’t give herself the chance to back out and she walked straight through, taking a seat in the chair opposite him and putting the files from her arms into his in tray.
‘Morning, Trevor, I’ve done all the charting up to date. I’ve a client vacancy now too, with Sean Wright being discharged, so if you have anyone, I’m happy to see them this afternoon.’
‘Great, I don’t have one today, but I will have a look at the admissions waiting list this afternoon.’ He sucked in a breath. ‘Kate, I am really sorry about yesterday.’
She waved him off. ‘It’s fine, honestly. It turned out well. It was a miscommunication really.’
‘At least Jamie saw his grandparents,’ he smiled, looking relieved. ‘How do you feel about it?’
She bit at her lip. ‘Good, but I’ll feel better when we are settled somewhere new. Me having a panic attack in reception wasn’t exactly professional.’
He waved her off. ‘He’s a patient. You were a worried mother in that moment.’ He pinned her with one of his big brother looks. ‘I might not always agree with your decisions, Kate, but you’re a damn fine worker. I don’t think you should beat yourself up about it.’ He steepled his hands together, resting his elbows on the desk. ‘Do you think Neil will visit now?’
She sighed. ‘God, I don’t know. I wouldn’t stop him. His parents are going to find out some things though. I think you need to know, in case it causes issues for Jamie.’
‘Things like what?’ he asked.
‘Well, there’s the accident. I don’t think Jamie remembers. Neil was on the phone that day, do you know that?’ His expression confirmed it was news to him. She’d been such a mess at the time, she’d kept it all in. ‘Handsfree, so not illegal, but he was distracted. Not watching the road. It was his fault, and Jamie paid the price.’
‘Jesus,’ Trevor breathed. ‘Thanks for letting me know. I’ll get you that patient info, but in the meantime, go see him.’
She winced. ‘He’s in physio, with Thom— Cooper.’
Trevor nodded. ‘I’m aware. It’s fine. He’s not your patient any more, Kate. As long as nothing comes up, I’m good with you seeing your son.’
‘Did I ever tell you what a good friend you are?’
Trevor laughed. ‘A better friend would bring presents.’ She laughed, heading off to find her two favourite men.
‘Aww, I missed it?’ The physio suite was empty when she got there. Cooper was on his way out, an open newspaper on his lap.
‘Yeah,’ he laughed. ‘The new physio took him for something to eat. He worked so hard he put me to shame. Trevor find you? He was looking for you earlier.’
‘I’ve seen him already. He said I could come see you. Jamie still wanting you to play with him later, or is he too tired?’
‘I’m still going. I ordered some stuff online too, it should be here soon. It’s a Lego thing. I think he’ll like it. Thought we could build it together, it would make a change from just playing on the computer.’
Kate thought of Jamie and how he would be so excited to do that with Cooper.
‘You like him, don’t you,’ she stated. It wasn’t a question.
He looked at her, and his guarded expression dropped into a happy smile.
‘I love him Kate, I love you both. That won’t change. I’m here, I told you.’ His words broke her apart, and she realised she’d been worrying about him realizing that maybe her issues were too much, even for him. The tears sprang to her eyes, and she couldn’t hold them back. She dropped her head onto her arms and started to cry. In one move, Cooper had lifted her into his arms in his chair. He laid her across his lap and cradled her tightly.
‘If Trevor comes in, this won’t help fight our corner you know.’
She laughed, which sent her into a fresh bout of tears. He shushed her, squeezing her to him.
‘I never had a family,’ he said into her hair, softly. ‘I was left, dumped in a side street. I bounced around the foster system for a while, but I didn’t fit in anywhere. Not till I signed up. Then I had brothers and sisters, a family to die for. A unit that would die for me. It was all I needed. Till you and Jamie came along. Now I know what family is, in the normal sense. I would throw myself into the path of anything that ever threatened to hurt either of you. I know what I want, but I need you to be sure of what you want. Sure that I’m not going anywhere . Know all the facts. Something is holding you back, I can feel it. Till you figure it out, I’m here.’ He lifted her head, wiped her tears with a white piece of cotton. Kate took it from him, looking at it. It was a handkerchief, with the initials TC sewn onto it.
‘Rita,’ he said grinning. ‘She made some for Jamie too. That woman never stops, I swear. I think she adopted me.’
Kate wiped her face dry of tears. Her head ached from the sudden outpouring of emotion.
‘What were you looking at when I came in?’ she asked, remembering.
He flushed, shaking his head. ‘Nothing important,’ he said, but she could tell he was lying. She went in to embrace him, but grabbed at the paper and jumped off his lap. He was fast, standing to get it from her, but not fast enough. She saw the property pages from the daily paper.
‘Are you leaving?’ she asked.
He stood, walked towards her, and she noticed how steady on his feet he was.
‘After the bash, yeah, I thought I might rent somewhere close. A flat. I need to think about my next move, maybe getting some work. My savings won’t last forever.’ Kate felt a slab of something lying heavy in her stomach. No, she thought. Nothing does.
‘Don’t overthink this, Kate. It’s nothing to do with what I said. I am here for you and Jamie, I just need to put things in place for me, that’s all. My next steps include you.’
Kate nodded, and Cooper knew that she had closed herself down. Damn it. The woman was stubborn, he thought. He itched the stubble on the side of his face with both hands. The scrape, scrape, scrape of nails on skin and hair. ‘Kate, don’t do this.’
She looked at him, shaking her head sadly.
He wished he could tell her what he knew. That he’d seen Neil. Knew of his new situation. No wonder the woman didn’t trust what they had. She’d been replaced so quickly by a man with whom she didn’t feel a fraction of what she and Cooper meant to each other.
Meanwhile, her independent stubborn streak was screaming at her not to make another mistake. ‘Don’t you get it, Cooper? It’s already done. There’s just… too much against this. I can’t fail again.’ She gazed into those green eyes, wishing it was different. ‘I don’t want to take a good man down with me.’