Chapter 29 – Luke
LUKE
He wasn't surprised to see Jack's Jeep in his driveway. Luke and Marley had jogged to the Sunday morning meeting and back, a nice, grounding workout on an overcast morning. He watched Jack get out of the vehicle and wave. Marley trotted up to greet him, and Jack bent down to pat him on the head.
"Hi," Jack said to Luke.
"Hi."
Silence for a couple of beats, and Jack opened his Jeep door and took out a wrapped gift.
"I was going to give you this at the party," Jack said. "And please, I'm so sorry I couldn't come. I just… well, it doesn't matter why. I'm not going to make excuses. I was wrong. I didn't mean to hurt you."
Luke remained silent, listening.
"Can we go inside?" Jack asked. "You must hate me."
"I don't hate you," Luke said quietly. "Come on."
Inside, Luke set the gift on the coffee table without opening it, then walked into the kitchen. He made sure Marley's food and water bowls were full, then put on coffee. After an agonizing wait for the damn coffee to brew, he sat down at the kitchen table with two full cups.
Jack sipped and looked up at him expectantly.
Luke looked out the window for a second, gathering his thoughts, then turned to Jack and finally spoke.
"Thank you for apologizing," he said calmly. "I don't hate you. But I was angry and probably still am. You really hurt me. And we need to talk about why."
"Luke, I—"
Luke held up his hand gently. "Please. Let me say this first."
Jack nodded, his jaw tight.
"I'm not just talking about Friday night," Luke said. "Friday was just the clearest example of what's been happening since we started this."
"What do you mean?"
"You. I’m talking about you, how every time we get close, you pull back.
You leave in the middle of the night after we fall asleep together.
You fuck my brains out instead of having difficult conversations with me.
You told me to 'be cool' about my own birthday party, like I was asking too much by wanting you there. "
Jack's hands tightened around his coffee cup.
"And when I told you I loved you..." Luke's voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "Do you remember what you said?"
Silence.
"You said thank you. Like I'd refilled your coffee.”
Jack's eyes closed. "I wasn't ready."
"I know. And that would be okay if it were only that one thing.
But it's not. It's the pattern, Jack. You keep me at arm's length.
You control how much of yourself you give and then expect me to feel grateful for the crumbs.
And Friday night, when you had to choose between a meeting and showing up for me, you chose the meeting. "
"It wasn't that simple."
"It was exactly that simple." Luke's voice remained gentle but firm. "You had two commitments. One was a meeting. One was me. And you chose."
Jack stood abruptly, pacing to the window. "You're making it sound like I don't care about you. Like I didn't want to be there."
"I know you wanted to be there. That's what makes it worse." Luke stayed seated, watching him. "You wanted to be there, but when it came down to it, the meeting felt more important. The mission. The duty. Whatever Hallicks needed from you."
Jack turned, his expression raw. "I've spent twenty-four years being trained to prioritize the mission.
To compartmentalize. To focus on the objective and execute.
That's how I survived. That's how I led men through combat zones.
That's how I kept my head straight when everything was falling apart around me. "
"I know—"
"Do you?" Jack's voice cracked. "Because I don't know how to turn that off. I don't know how to stop seeing everything as variables to manage and missions to complete. And yes, sometimes that means I fuck up. Sometimes that means I hurt people I—" He stopped, swallowed hard. "People I care about."
Luke stood and paced across the kitchen, then back to his chair.
"I'm not asking you to be someone you're not. I was simply hoping you would make room for me in your life because you wanted to. Real room. Not the space between missions while you suss out your next opportunity back in lil’ ole Calder Ridge. "
“That's not the only reason I'm here," Jack said quietly.
Luke waited.
"I had other job offers. Atlanta, Wisconsin, half a dozen places. When I heard about this one, you were the first thing that came to mind: Luke's there." He paused. "I had to see you. Find out if what I felt at eighteen was real or a fantasy I’d built up."
Jack's hands weren't quite steady. He set the cup down.
"And I got back and—wow, was it real. Realer than I remembered or imagined… But I don’t have a lot of experience in this kind of thing.
I mean, this is only my second actual relationship, Luke.
Well, third, if you count us in high school.
Anna and I were friends who got married because it made sense at the time, but I never really loved her, Luke. Not like this, not like I love you.”
Luke leaned back. "Don't."
"It's true,” Jack said, pleading. “I should have said it when you told me. I was scared. But I do. I love you."
“That's not fair." Luke's voice shook slightly.
"I know it's not the right time—"
"It's not that. Saying it doesn't change your pattern."
"But it means something, doesn't it?"
"Of course it does." Luke's voice softened. "But Jack, wanting me isn't enough. You have to choose me. Over and over, even when it's hard, even when it conflicts with your plans, even when it means losing control."
"I can do that."
“You couldn’t Friday night.”
Silence.
“Ever since you got back, I've been holding my breath," Luke said at last. “Waiting for the other shoe to drop, for you to get another offer, another mission, another reason to leave. I can't live like that, Jack. I won't.”
Jack's face was still.
“That’s all,” Luke said. “That’s all I have.”
"So that's for us, we’re done?"
"I didn't say that," Luke said, suddenly tired. "But I need space. Time to think about what I'm able to accept. And you need time to figure out if you can actually give me what I need. Not just if you want to."
"What if you decide you don't want this anymore?"
“I don’t even know what this is, Jack. We haven’t talked about it once.”
“I know. I wasn't expecting this when I came back. I thought you might hate me, that there wouldn't be a spark anymore. But falling in love with you again—at this point in life, trying to plan the second half—I didn't expect you to become the most important thing."
They were both nearing exhaustion, eyes wet, faces flushed.
Jack broke the silence. "You're right,” he said. “About all of it. I do keep pulling back. I do compartmentalize. I did choose the meeting over you."
He looked out the window. "Twenty-four years ago, I didn't have a choice. I had to go. You had to stay. But Friday night?" He turned back to Luke. "Friday, I had a choice. And I made the wrong one."
The speed was slowing down, the temperature, too.
“I loved you so much,” Luke said softly. “Still do, but it’s different now. We’re adults. We get to choose. And despite all my therapy and recovery and meditation and all the rest… I keep thinking you’re going to disappear on me again.”
“I know. I can tell. I’ve been putting off … trying to understand all of this, how to feel about it.”
“We put off difficult tasks, Jack. Not joy. So you need to decide if you really love me more than you're scared of your feelings. I am now officially done wanting things that people won't give me, even you. Especially you."
Jack's voice revealed his exhaustion. "I do want to give you everything. But I don't know how yet."
"I know," Luke said quietly. "That's why we both need time."
"How much time do you need?"
“I don’t know. It’s not like that.”
Jack nodded. He looked at Marley in his corner bed.
"Take care of him, buddy," he said, standing.
Then he walked out.
Luke sat at the kitchen table and listened to the Jeep start and pull away. He looked at the wrapped gift on the coffee table.
Not yet.
He put his head in his hands and let himself cry.
JACK
Jack drove back to his house in a daze. He almost ran a stop sign and had to remind himself to focus on the road when he realized he was heading back to the hotel instead of his new place.
What he hadn't prepared for was Luke being calm. Precise, clear, like he'd already made a decision and was waiting to see if it would hold.
It held.
Jack pulled over on Elm, cut the engine, and sat with the windows down in the Sunday quiet. Down the street, he could see the corner of Patty's house. A kid pedaled past on a bike. Somewhere, a dog barked.
He thought about the conference room on Friday night.
The phone was face down on the table. He could have left—he'd known it even then, had run the numbers and found the exit.
But walking into that party meant a commitment he wasn't ready to make.
A room full of people who knew Luke and loved him, watching Jack arrive late and guilty, having to be present and accountable without any time to find his footing.
He'd chosen the conference room because it was manageable. And he'd decorated that choice in false consideration for Luke, which was possibly the worst part of it.
It wasn't the first time he'd been warned about this behavior. From his ex-wife, the warnings had come quietly at first, then more sharply later. He'd chalked it up to bad timing or to Anna being unreasonable.
But Luke didn't want to be managed. He wanted to be chosen.
And although Jack had finally said "I love you," it was too late. It came after he'd already destroyed everything. Luke deserved someone who said it when it was scary, not when it was strategic.
Jack drove home, then walked into town for dinner and a couple of drinks. It was getting dark, and the street seemed empty. He didn't recognize anyone at the restaurant, which he'd never visited before.
He took out his phone. Hallicks had texted a short, friendly reminder that he wouldn't be at school on Monday. "Hope Luke's party was a smash!"
His mother called, and he let it go to voicemail. He was in no condition to put on a performance.
She left details of their arrival on Tuesday and confirmation that they'd rent a vehicle and stay at the hotel.
"It will be nice to be back in Calder Ridge," she said. "Patty sounded so nice on the phone, as she always did."
He made a note to tell Luke about the visit. Or had he even mentioned it to him? He honestly didn't know.
Now he had just one more person to call.