Chapter 31 – Jack
JACK
The hotel lobby was quiet and mostly empty for a change. His parents were upstairs in their room and would come down soon for dinner. Having fewer people around for that would be fine, as far as Jack was concerned.
The Colonel was always The Colonel, regardless of the audience. But Jack grew on edge when more people were around to witness his commanding airs and unspoken insistence on status and procedure.
He always braced himself against the man, even in anticipation.
It wasn't that he resented his father's heavy hand in guiding his life, though he'd certainly used it as a convenient scapegoat over the years.
But looking back now, with forty-two years of perspective, Jack had to admit: his father had been right about most of it.
Right about West Point. Right about keeping his head down during Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Right about not letting a high school romance derail his military career.
Even if being right had meant Jack lost Luke for twenty-four years.
That was the cost Jack had paid for following his father’s “guidance.” Only recently had Jack been grappling with that and with the need to change to avoid making the same mistakes now.
His parents arrived at precisely six o'clock, both dressed casually yet sharply, as always. They looked like educated, privileged people of a certain age, but noticeably more relaxed than he expected to see them.
The Colonel was even laughing and holding his mother's hand. Was their relaxed air a new development, or had he simply never noticed before that they might still be in love and enjoying each other?
"Welcome back to Calder Ridge," he said, walking to meet them, hugging and kissing his mother on the cheek, and shaking hands with The Colonel. "How does it feel to be back?"
"Fine, fine," his father said crisply, conspicuously surveying the entire lobby and nodding once, as if to say, “Yes, this will do.”
"We had a glass of wine with Patty,” his mother said.
Oh, no, Jack thought. Please don't tell me you talked about politics.
"Nice to see her, of course,” The Colonel said.
"And the hotel! It's lovely. You should see our room and the view. I think she gave us the best room!" his mother said.
"I'm sure she did," Jack said, gesturing toward the restaurant. "Who's hungry? This place has a good steak."
Over wine, Jack asked what the occasion for their visit was.
"To see you, of course," his father boomed. "We've been revisiting some of the old places where we were stationed, and we always had good memories of our time here. See some old friends, maybe hike those trails we miss so much."
Jack sipped his merlot and thought, Who are these people?
"Of course, I want to go out to campus, see who's left besides Hallicks," his father said.
There it was. The Colonel wanted to assert himself in Jack's new work situation, which had been his last Army post before retiring some 20 years earlier, when Hallicks was starting his career and served as The Colonel's chief liaison.
Jack felt his back go rigid. Now I've got to manage that.
Even a slightly more jovial Colonel was still the Colonel.
Good thing he'd been kicking ass at work.
Hallicks still seemed to praise him at every opportunity; Jack had even heard rumors that he was up for a permanent post high in the administration, which would raise his profile if he were still considering a congressional run.
"The way you're performing here, along with your track record, Jack? Sky's the limit," Hallicks had told him that morning.
Jack had noticed the praise no longer hummed like it had in his younger days. Was the job not that important to him? Or was he older now and less hungry for a superior's approval?
"Mom, what about you?"
"I don't think any of my old Calder friends are still here,” she said. “It's been so long."
The waiter took their orders.
Jack's mother sipped her wine and looked directly at him. "Have you reconnected with any of your old schoolmates?" She paused. "Luke Calder, for instance."
Jack almost spit out his wine but managed to hold it in with a self-knowing smile.
"A few, sure… You remember Mara, Patty's daughter. And, yes, I've seen Luke quite a bit."
"He was such a good-looking boy!" Mrs. Garrison said. She set her glass down, her expression softening with memory.
"Still is," Jack said. "A very handsome man, now."
The Colonel mumbled, "Mm-hmm."
Jack wondered how they could be so nonchalant about Luke, his high school boyfriend. They'd never had a confrontation about it, but still. He decided it was more important to focus on the present and, maybe, the future when talking about Luke.
"I remember him coming by the house that summer before you left,” Mrs. Garrison said. “He was so polite, but you could tell he was carrying something heavy. His mother had just... well, she wasn't very present, was she?"
Jack shook his head. "No. She wasn't."
"I tried to talk to him once," his mother continued. "I asked how he was doing, if he needed anything. He looked so surprised that anyone had noticed." She smiled. "It sounds like he had to find his own way in life, and he did. That's impressive."
"He did," Jack said quietly. "He modeled in Los Angeles and around the world for a few years, and now he runs a successful business. He's done really well."
"How long do you think you'll stay here, Son?" The Colonel asked.
“I don't know yet,” Jack answered. “Hallicks wants a decision. I'm still weighing some options, thinking about my next step."
"You're 42 years old, Son," Jack's father said. "What are you waiting on?"
“Fair question, and I’ll tell you,” Jack said as his thoughts coalesced around his father’s directness and his mother’s warmth. He would try to be as frank and kind as they were.
The Colonel seemed ready to speak again during Jack’s pause, but his mother set her glass down and said, “Let him take his time, dear."
She nodded at Jack and looked at him confidently.
“I’ve had a rocky entry into civilian life here,” Jack began.
“My own fault, and that’s OK. I’m trying to change.
The job side is fine, but… well, I’ve realized that I’ve been managing my life like a military campaign since I was eighteen.
And I’m exhausted. I need a new approach to making decisions about my life. ”
“You need time to reassess,” his father said. “It’s a wise man who can see his own needs, Son. You know what to do more than we do.”
Jack caught his mother's eye.
“When we left here and retired, we went through similar adjustments,” she said. “It’s part of life. I don’t give a lot of advice, but I will tell you this, Son. Lighten up a bit. Have some fun.”
She reached for his hand and said, “With Luke.”
They shared a smile.
Jack’s father said, "That's the one who took off his shirt in the magazines?"
"He was a model, dear. He got paid to do that." She turned back to Jack. "You were so happy whenever you were with him. Even your father noticed."
"Mm-hmm," the Colonel grunted. "Guess I'd take off my shirt, too, if I got paid."
Jack appreciated the humor and said, "But not in here, Dad. Not tonight."
"Mm-hmm," his father murmured again, scanning for the waiter. "Where's that boy with our meal?"
After dinner, the Colonel stood and stretched. "Walk with me, Son. Work off some of that steak."
Jack's mother waved them off. "I'm going to sit here with my coffee and people-watch. Go work it out between the two of you."
Outside, the November air was sharp and clear. They walked in silence for a moment, their breath forming clouds before them.
"You still play golf?" the Colonel asked.
"Not in a while. Been meaning to get back to it."
"Good course about thirty minutes from here. Played it back in the old days. We should go out tomorrow if you're free."
"Yeah. I'd like that."
More silence. Not uncomfortable, just careful. The way it had always been between them.
"You've done well, Jack," his father said at last. "The Army was good for you. This job—Hallicks speaks highly of you."
"Thanks."
"But you’re right. You've been running hard your whole life. At some point, a man needs to plant his flag and say, 'this is mine.'"
Jack looked at his father. "Is that what you did? With all the moves, all the bases?"
The Colonel was quiet for a moment. "No," he said finally. "I didn't. And I regret that. Your mother deserved better. You deserved better. But that was part of the deal I made—that we made, your mother and I, together."
Jack stopped walking. His father had never been so rueful in front of him.
"A military kid never really has a home," The Colonel continued. "It built character, taught you how to adapt to new situations, but…”
“But maybe it taught me to keep looking for new situations, too.”
"Now you’re in a new situation in an old place,” his father said. “With an old friend, sounds like.”
Jack’s throat tightened around the words, but he got them out clearly, and his chest rose when he said, “More than friend, Dad.”
"I didn't handle that well," his father said. "Told you to focus on getting into West Point and keeping your head down." He paused. "I wasn't wrong about the strategy. Don't Ask, Don't Tell was real. West Point is unforgiving. You needed to compartmentalize to survive."
"I know."
"But I could've been... kinder about it. Could've acknowledged what you were giving up instead of just telling you it was for your own good."
Jack stared at his father. In forty-two years, he'd never heard the man come this close to an apology.
"You did what you thought was right," Jack said finally.
"I did. The right choice can still come with a cost."
They walked in silence for another block.
"So let me ask you again,” the Colonel said. “What are you waiting on?”
"I don't know yet."
"Yes, you do."
Jack looked at him.
"You've known since you drove into this town," his father said. "But you're afraid to say it out loud."
"Maybe."
The Colonel clapped him on the shoulder—brief, firm. "Golf tomorrow. 9 a.m. Don't be late."
"Yes, Sir."
They walked back to the hotel together. For the first time in Jack's life, walking beside his father didn't feel like standing at attention.
It almost felt like walking beside a friend.