The Longing

Chapter 56

also this chapter may be a bit boring for some but i just wanna showcase how good it is to process one's feelings and reflect on it, its very important that we pay attention to ourselves :)

There is no five stages in grief. There's only one, and it's fucking murder.

One moment I was smiling with my friends, trained my body to exceed my limits and then all of the sudden, my whole world tilts.

If I saw the world as a colorful one, I'm such a fucking optimist. It's so dull to the point where I don't want to look at anything anymore because of how much it had bore me.

Today marks my almost twenty seven days of locking myself up in the bedroom. Within those twenty seven days, I'm lost in my own mind.

I cried my whole heart out the first day.

I refuse to look at Greta when she showed me the visions, refused to look away when it showed my parent's decapitated head.

My mom still had the braids my sister always loved to put on her, the french braid covered in blood and in disheveled, her little strands spread out.

My father... his eyes were closed, I can't read what he felt when he knew death was about to come.

If he surrendered knowing there's no way out or if he fought til' the end, and if he grew tired and simply died with honor protecting what needs to be hidden.

I refused to look away when Titus picked up the box with a face I cannot fathom. I watched as he gives it to Kris, still fresh from delivery.

Their blood gushing out from the bottom of the box, adding an unbearable amount of wrath in my bones.

I kept watching up until Kris fell to her knees, Van and Sen right beside her for comfort, crying with my sister when they saw the box.

She screamed louder than I've heard her before, her face covered in tears. I could see it in her face how much it fucking hurts.

She was always the closest one to our parents, always at home with them and spending time with them. It pains her more than it does me.

Greta cut off the vision when I doubled over and puked, unable to take the pressure anymore. Greta patted my back and sat me down on one of the chairs at the table.

It should've been me beside her, yet here I am, in hiding, to protect my own self from the dangers of what's to come.

I wasn't able to save at least one of my people. My flesh and flood.

It's been a long time since I felt this kind of pain. It's the kind of hurt that burns through you, the kind of feeling that drains your soul.

Just like it did when I lost my best friend. But now, it's my parents who I lost and it has me feeling like a wanderer.

I don't know what to do anymore.

They're the only reason I'm here.

For months, I have looked for them, and in those moments I always told myself that they're fine and they're in a house that is warm and comfortable, having food fill their stomachs.

I reassured people around me that everything will work out in the end because I trusted myself, I trusted my sister, and everyone who tried to help.

But to receive this kind of news, something I refused to think about, a fear that I deny myself because I didn't want it to happen.

But it did anyways.

My eyes were all red and puffy from crying, but Greta didn't bother me much after leaving me a glass of water.

At least it's holding its water in, unlike me.

Mine felt so heavy, so painful that even I couldn't breathe properly. Hiccups were echoing in the room, the only sound I kept making after seeing Greta's visions.

The air was filled with sadness, as does my heart.

I never would've thought it possible that I would lose my parents here. I always imagined it would be a proper death, a peaceful one where we bury them with respect.

If I didn't have to face anyone, I'd be holding them by now. Burying them down to earth just so they could rest, but I can't.

Because I'm being hunted.

My face is all over the kingdom and I have a huge bounty on my head. Whoever surrenders me to the crown is rewarded thousands of coins, a luxurious life, and a chance to climb the social ladder.

But it didn't matter if they brought me to them safe and sound. They didn't specify that I wasn't to be harmed, either I go willingly or they take me unwillingly and realistically, dead.

Greta has been hiding me for a few days now, she says I need to process everything and keep my health in check.

I can't do both, I don't think I believe that it'll pass soon because it hurts so fucking bad.

I managed to drink some water but I am unable to eat anything Greta gives me, my stomach coils at the sight of it.

The only thing that is keeping me alive right now is probably the needle on my peripheral vein.

Literally.

I'm attached to a parenteral nutrition that bypasses my digestive stomach entirely and provides me the nutrients my body needs.

I've removed it a few times by now because it makes my arm itch. Got scolded a few times for it too.

Fortunately for Greta and unfortunately for me, she knows her stuff.

She's kept me alive these days and I feel like a burden every time she comes to take care of me. I should probably just get out.

I should probably disappear.

I don't deserve to live after failing everyone around me. The disappointment in their eyes, the pain in their hearts, and the anger that will come after all that.

I can't handle those.

Dying feels like the easiest way out and for me to be with my parents again.

Since when did I become a coward?

The moment I made eye contact with my mom's blank eyes.

The sound of the door opening made me look up, Greta walks in with a tray in her hand, her feet lightly tapping on her carpeted floor.

"Katie, get up and eat. Parenteral nutrition is made for those whose stomach does not function or those with cancer. You have neither."

I look at her blankly, not feeling good about the food.

"Thanks, but I'd rather not."

"What is the reason why you refuse to eat? You drink liquid but do not consume solids."

I shrugged nonchalantly, not feeling obligated to respond.

She sighs heavily. When she puts the tray down beside me, on top of the table there, only then did I notice how tired she looked.

She had dark under eyes, her lips lacking the usual soft and plump when I first saw her, it's as if she hasn't drank water for days. Her clothes were the same one she wore when she opened her door for me.

"You should really let me go."

She raises her eyes, "Eat and I shall think about it."

Groaning, I rolled my eyes the same time I rolled away from her and turned my back. I put my head on the soft pillow on the bed I was currently sleeping on, over with the discussion that I know will lead to her forcing those food in my throat.

"Katie..."

"I don't have an appetite."

"You always say that."

"Mhm..." I hummed.

"Your parents will be thoroughly disappointed."

Uncontrollable fury made its way to my chest, I finally exploded after days of keeping it in. Of tolerating her harsh words about me, her complaints about my actions, and her lack of respect for my family.

"Don't. Talk. About. Them."

I kept it in because I'm thankful for her, she took care of me when I surrendered my whole body to fatigue.

She was there when I died, and she was there to help me overcome the difficulties that was given to me.

But I'm so fucking tired.

I turn to her. "You'd think I have the appetite to intake food? To digest anything when you know I lost two fucking people in my life?"

I take off the sheets on me, planted my feet on the floor, raising my voice, wanting—no, needing her to hear everything that comes out of my mouth.

"After seeing my parent's blood drip to the ground? Their heads delivered on a silver platter? You think I would want to eat after all that? You don't have any right to tell me what to do when you're the one who could've prevented all this from happening if you'd just fucking move."

She flinches, but I didn't give a damn.

"I killed for them, lived for them. I faced death because of your traditions.

Your so called fight for power when in reality, it's just a disguise so you could forget who she really was to this world.

So that whoever takes the fucking win gets to be the replacement for her so that she could rest in peace and the winner to shower herself with luxuries.

It's disgusting and downright manipulation.

I fucking fought for a world that isn't mine to begin with.

A home that I knew nothing of if it wasn't for my parents.

A home that I thought was safe for me and my sister, a place I trusted that could finally lead me to my mom.

I thought Titus could help me track down my dad and help me save them.

Hell, I made sure to save strangers for the sake of information.

I stepped out of my comfort zone, adapted to a different environment to make sure I can see them again. "

Words keep spilling out my mouth, I can't breathe.

"I put all those fucking efforts because I wanted to gather anything useful to find them. I fucking found none. I found not a single thing about where they were. And the next time I see them, they're just gone."

My voice finally broke midway, Greta's eyes softening with each word I said.

"Even thinking about consuming anything makes me want to puke, knowing my parents won't be able to do it again. The pleasure of filling their stomachs and their tastebuds reminiscing the fucking flavors."

Tears ran down my eyes once more, never seeming to stop at all.

"I. Don't. Have. An. Appetite."

My heart pounded fast against my ribcage, the anger slowly leaving my body after letting it all out. My shoulders raising up and down hurriedly, my heart pumping blood faster because of fucking epinephrine.

"I'm sorry." She whispers softly.

"No, you aren't. Seeing if you were, you'd let me have my vengeance. But you're being a coward and hiding me away because you're afraid of some power."

I turned around and walked towards the bathroom, slamming the door behind me once I got in.

"It's not that-"

I didn't get to look at Greta once more because my eyes are blurred from all the tears.

I gripped the edge of the sink tightly, trying to reign in my anger and frustration, trying to find something to ground me in the present before I do anything and destroy everything that gets in my way.

I have always thought of what to do when I manage to get back.

Should I run to Titus and have control of his warriors, have them attack the king and queen's kingdom without a plan and just pure bloodshed or call someone from the military and burn this fucking world to the ground?

The only thing that's keeping me from doing both is my sister, and I'd rather shoot myself than hurt even a single strand of her hair.

She's the only family I have left, Kyle is a complicated matter. I still don't know whose side he is on. He may have been my brother but times changed, and so do people.

My only ally is my sister, and no one else. I don't trust anyone, even myself. But I am confident I can take her far away from here, from danger.

From what I'm about to unleash.

I will not make the same mistake I did in the past.

My vision in the mirror caught my attention, bringing me back to the present. I don't recognize myself anymore.

I've lost a lot of weight and I've been wearing the same clothes I did when I ran away from the pack. My hair is a bit longer, darker than it was before.

I grabbed the scissor on the sink that was grouped with the toothbrushes. It was one of those scissors that they use in salons.

I grabbed the edges of my hair and didn't hesitate to cut it. I cut and I cut, watching as my hair fall to the sink, each cut felt distant from me.

When I was about to cut a lot shorter, I hesitated.

"Honey, you look good with bangs on!"

My mom's voice echoes in the distant back of my mind.

My hand gathered in fist and I punched the mirror, making it shatter to pieces, some of them falling on the sink.

Blood pools where I kept my fist attached to the wall. I smile in sadness, she's so cruel for haunting me like this.

So unfair that she gets to be somewhere I can't follow.

I took a deep breath and tried to cut my bangs the way it would make me feel good. Once done, I took off my clothes and hopped on the shower, feeling the cold water flow down my body after days of not having to feel it.

I sigh, somehow hearing her voice in my head gave me relief.

"Mom, Dad... please come back to us." I murmur against the wall, wanting to know if I could receive a response.

And to my disappointment, nothing came. Not even a blow of the wind or the moving of things to indicate someone was there.

I was truly alone in here.

And it fucking sucks.

I think I fell asleep in the shower after hours of crying. I'm assuming Greta came and fixed me up.

I'm in the bed again, only this time my clothes are finally different and there's a new glass of water on the table.

I sigh and got up slowly, fatigue still lingering in my body. I drank the water and walked towards the door.

Opening it gently, I witness the moon giving light to the dark hallway. There was no noise so I concluded it was just me or Greta was already asleep.

For a witch, you'd think she'd have the whole house illuminated with candles of yellow. But to my surprise, there's none.

Sticking to the wall close to me, I put my palm on it and followed it to what seems to be the kitchen. I wouldn't exactly know since I haven't stepped foot outside the room for days and it's really dark in here.

For what seemed like hours but was actually minutes, I finally found the light switch and turned it on.

Doing so gave me more vision on the living room and dining room, as the kitchen has an opening to both.

My eyes scanned the living room, it was as I saw it last. I eyed the couch and saw my boots beside it.

I got dressed and opened her entrance door, nothing holding me back from going, from my pain.

I closed it, not caring if she woke up or not. Hell, if she tried to stop me, I'll shoot her with the pistol strapped to my thighs.

There's one more person I trust more than my life.

And he happens to have firepower that I need. And if he already knows what went down, he wouldn't hesitate to give his support.

I smirk.

Whoever gets in my way will be devoured, and I will watch as life leaves their eyes.

"How many men do you need?" He asks, his tone softer than ever, his eyes held sadness that reflects mine.

"Numbers don't matter to me, Uncle. Give me the best of the best in your little army and that's all I need."

"But you're the best. Not only that, you're the most decorated in your generation." He replies.

"You know what I mean."

I told him everything he needed to know. But not the part with what I'll do. But knowing my uncle, and with how unpredictable my moves are, he probably has an idea.

"Expect them to be with you tomorrow. For now, you sleep." I nodded my head like a good soldier, saluted my Marshal and went to my old quarters.

After leaving Greta's Anthemy in the forest, I found my way back home. My real home.

The home where I grew up, where my parents took care of me and my sister, the home where I always felt safe and protected.

It didn't matter how exhausted I'd be after, what's important to me was to reach my uncle and get his assistance.

Be it by force or voluntary.

I'm glad it worked out in the end, knowing my uncle would ask a lot of questions before he does anything.

But knowing his brother died?

I could see fury behind those sadness. His whole body was shaking but he was holding it back.

Because if he didn't, he would rain hell down on them and that includes my sister. So I took my time explaining to him and managed to convince him of my position.

I'm gonna be the one to deliver peace for my parents.

Tomorrow came by quick, my fellow soldiers in formation on the field as I put on my uniform.

It feels foreign. I'm finally back in command and in my uniform after months of being a civilian. It boosted my ego and gave me the confidence I once lost.

Tying my boots, I got up and walked towards the door, shutting it behind me and headed towards the flight field.

"How many?" Is the first thing I asked when a sergeant stepped towards me.

He salutes, "There are more than seventy soldiers, Captain. They're the best of the best in their ranks."

I nodded, taking my place in front of the whole company.

"Do you know why you're here, men?" I began, my voice holding the same stern tone as I did back then.

"Yes, Captain!" They all shouted.

"Your mission is to trade your life for my parent's peace."

It was silent, so I continued. "You have given me the chance to prove to my parents that I can deliver it to them. You agreed to hold your guns and shoot anything that does not scream 'human'. I assure you, your names will be engraved on the hall of fame and you shall receive the Silver Star."

The sergeant beside me takes a deep breath. Uncle probably forgot to tell them but involving oneself in acts like this, a medal is due.

Especially if the enemies are not our allies nor human.

"I thank you for your service."

Standing at attention, they all raise their right hand simultaneously, saluting me.

I salute back. I commanded that they take their leaves and board their flights.

I have my own ride with my own platoon.

Once I got on the plane, all fifteen eyes turn to me. I acknowledged them all.

"Captain." Tom states. He was sparring with Derek back in the day, before this all happened.

"Katie." It was Mark, who's a few years older than me but still respects me. He's usually on backup but not today.

"If it isn't my favorite gal."

The last one came from Ally, my favorite computer nerd. She was the one who checked on the generator's at the lab.

"It's been a long time, hasn't it?" I chuckled.

I'm glad everyone decided to join in, but what will happen is gonna be bloody and I have no time to mourn if any one of them were to die.

How cruel.

Speaking of labs, I have to grab some samples. I called out to the pilot that we're good to go, he gave a thumbs up and we ascended towards the sky.

"You guys were briefed?" I spoke into the microphone attached to our headsets.

"Yes, and don't even think about feeling bad about us being here. We chose this, we chose you." Ally nodded.

I didn't feel anything aside from anger but they didn't need to know that. They just need to give me the boost I need to kill the crown, for they are only pawns in my board.

You're no better than her.

I would trade their life for my parents, no questions asked.

Where does your loyalty lie?

The dark side of my mind echoes those words until we reach our destination. I ignored it, not caring about anything else but what's ahead of me.

"Captain, we are two minutes away from target. Everyone else is on time and is waiting for your orders."

The pilot speaks, catching me off guard. "Good, tell them to prepare and wait for my command to execute."

I took off the headset and stood up, strapping myself to the harness that's gonna take us down. My platoon followed and attached themselves too.

The door of the plane lowers slowly, the loud and disturbing sound vibrated the air around us as it descends.

Their heads automatically turned to me, anticipating the order I'm about to give.

One last time I took them in, knowing that some of them will never make it to tomorrow.

I took a few short breaths.

"Once we go down, we're not sure what's gonna happen. But there will only be two outcomes in this fight. We lose or we win."

I know that, and I'm not afraid. So are they, I taught them that death is only possible if you let it take you.

"I want everyone to reflect right now and remember the moments that made you feel good. Because when we fall, no one will bury us. No one will remember us."

And if you do, you're weak. And if you're weak, you're not capable of peace.

"Kill everything that gets in my way."

How selfish.

And one by one, we drop.

"W-what's happening? What's will all the commotion?"

I grabbed the nearest person that was about to past me by. Everyone is in panic and I don't know why.

Her big, bright brown eyes turned to me, fear reflected in her. "We've received news that the kingdom's borders are being attacked."

"Attack?" I asked, "By who?"

"We're not sure." She shakes off my hold on her, tears shining in her eyes. "I'm sorry but I need to leave, my family is close to the border and I'm scared they'd get caught between the fight."

She hauls her ass out of the house, just like everyone who ran towards the exit.

There was another commotion to my right. I catch Van's back, he was escorting what seems to be the teenagers back to their quarters, with Sen right ahead of them.

"Van!"

He turned to me in confusion, "Kris? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at Titus' pack?"

Yes, I should be there and not here. But after receiving the letter from the Queen that she requested my presence, I went back and haven't gotten the chance to tell Titus.

I just up and left, considering what I endured for days alone.

I still haven't talked to the Queen and was on my way to her when everything went haywire.

I miss my sister, and she's the only one who can make me feel better. I don't know where she is after she ran away that night, she didn't even bother to tell me or take me with her.

She's so selfish yet I can't find it in myself to be angry at her. I know she has her reasons but I still feel disappointed I wasn't part of it.

For a sister, you'd think I would be included in all her decisions, how wrong I was.

"I have business to attend to, care to tell me why you're panting like a dog?"

Van speed walks toward me, grabbed my upper arm and dragged me with him.

I struggled to keep up because his strides were long. "Dude, what the fuck is going on and why are you dragging me like this?"

He doesn't face me, still continues to walk towards where Sen and the teenagers are.

"It's Katie."

I stop dead in my tracks and so does he, wondering why I don't move.

"What about her?"

Is she...

No.

She can't be.

She's not stupid enough to follow my parents.

She's strong but she isn't the type to succumb to pressure. She's a freaking soldier for fuck's sake.

Van seems to realize what went through my mind, fully turned to me and put his hands on my shoulder, speaking in a soft voice.

"Breathe, Kris. It's not what you think. It's your sister who's leading the attack."

My eyes widened in response.

"Leading?" Van nods.

"Why would she-" I stop myself, realization dawning upon me.

"Yeah, because of your parents."

After I fell to my knees when I saw the box, I also took the note attached to the bottom of it. It was a short letter about how the rogues were able to capture my family and tortured them to death.

Now I understand. But why would she attack here? It was the rogues that killed our parents, who is she looking for in here?

And why not out there?

"Why here?" I ask.

Van shakes his head. "I don't know. Nobody does, and no one has seen her yet, let alone ask her why she's here."

"Not one?"

I bit my lip in despair. If she's that hard to catch, I wouldn't wanna be on her bad side. Especially right now.

"Not a single soul."

"What is she leading?" I caught the tiny gulp Van does, his Adam's apple bobbing.

"An army."

My heart dropped to my stomach, dread filling my entire body. If she's leading a whole army, there's nothing that can stop her from doing what she wants.

We are so fucked.

"My lord, we have news that the kingdom is under attack."

My commandant barges in, not bothering to knock on my fucking door. He kneels below the few stairs in front of us.

Ignoring his bold rudeness in front of me and my wife, who's sitting beside me in that wonderful chair of hers, I asked the man to state what news he brings properly.

"Lazarus' men are being taken out by a woman."

My eyebrows raise in question. "Do we know this woman you speak of?"

He shakes his head, "She is but a mystery, my lord. We only know that she leads a battalion of soldiers who are not stopping in their tracks."

I nod my head. "Send for the men, we shall assist this lady you speak of and take down Lazarus once and for all."

He nods, standing up to bow once more and turned back, his steps purposeful with what I commanded him.

"My love." I turn to my wife.

She was already looking at me with the most beautiful violet eyes I have ever seen.

"I'll watch the kingdom on your behalf, Nox." She smiles at me, understanding twinkling in her eyes.

This woman will be the death of me. She didn't even do anything yet I want to whisk her away and spend the rest of eternity without a care in the world.

"Take back your right to the crown." She leans in, paths my cheeks lightly and pecks me on the lips.

I was about to chase those lips of hers when another rude motherfucker comes barging in our throne room.

"Has no one have the decency to knock?" I grumbled lowly.

She chuckles and turn towards the person. With a wave of her hand, the warrior speaks.

"My liege, we have managed to figure out who's leading the attack and we're ready to support her with all the warriors you have asked us to prepare."

"Who?"

"Her name is Katelyn Avery Adams."

She sounds familiar but I can't quite place it. "Good, we follow her to war then."

I stood up, grabbed my wife's left hand and kissed the back of it. A silent promise that I shall return and she will reign over everyone who has stomped on her in the past.

I married her for love, not for status. And it was the most happiest moment of my life. I will do anything to have her beside me forever, even if it means I take back the throne that was stolen from me.

"Son, your time has come."

I smirk.

You're right, Mother. After years of suffering, I finally get to take my revenge.

And it'll be sweet.