Chapter 22 #2
I stand up from the table and turn to head back to my room, unable to continue this discussion that has been a silent topic amid my loud, consuming thoughts. If I can’t convince Christoph, he’s come a long way to leave without me.
“Celina, wait,” he calls after me.
His footsteps are unmistakable behind me, carrying a type of weight and speed most are now unfamiliar with. A guttural cough belts out of my assigned room. I’ve left Avi for too long.
“Sir, you can’t go into a room you aren’t residing in,” I hear behind me. “I need to ask you to wait out here.”
On the way to my cot, I spot a damp rag draped haphazardly over Avi’s head, but she’s propped up, awake, and staring at me. “Where have you been?” she asks then lets out a roaring cough.
“She needs medication,” Elias says from behind me before I can respond. “They have nothing left here already.” My gaze drifts back toward the door, spotting Christoph staring inside from the corridor with a look of patience I know he isn’t feeling inside. “We need to find her something.”
“We should leave then. We’ll find another shelter further west. One that’s likely to have more supplies and medication.”
“Is—is she going to make it if we set out again?” Elias whispers, making sure Avi doesn’t hear him.
“We have no choice but to try.”
“Celina,” Christoph calls out from the corridor, his voice calm, friendly, not trouble inducing to whoever made him stop where he is.
Avi and Elias look toward the door then back at me. “Who is that?” Elias asks.
“A friend from home. He received a memo from the post I left at the first shelter. He tracked me down and wants to take me south. We can’t go that way.
We don’t know what’s happening in the other countries right now.
” We already know that the shelters behind us are already emptied of supplies, and anything that’s left will be where the Soviets have just passed through, which is west.
Elias stands up from his cot and makes his way to the door and introduces himself to Christoph, something I wasn’t expecting.
“What is he doing now?” Avi grumbles, then coughs again.
Elias returns with a linen bag and grabs my blanket, his, and the spare set of clothes we have piled beneath the cots. He throws Avi’s in last but lets her keep her blanket. “Let’s go.”
“Go where?” Avi asks.
“South,” Elias echoes Christoph’s plan, grabbing his blanket to roll up.
I storm back into the corridor, face to chest with Christoph. “I’m not going to Czechoslovakia,” I tell him.
“Celina, we need to go where there’s structure,” he says.
“We go south then west through Austria, Switzerland, and into France so we can head back north and stay out of Germany. It will be a long trip, but we’ll find open rail lines.
The war is not over in Germany yet. We can’t act as though it is. ”
“You’re talking about borders and rail lines like they’re open and working,” I say, shaking my head.
“They’re not. Not yet, especially when we have no form of identification.
All German soldiers are trying to flee Germany and Poland right now, which means we could be walking for weeks just to be turned around at every border.
” I nod at Avi. “She doesn’t have weeks.
” I swallow against the tightness in my throat.
“By going west, we’re following movement, finding shelter and supplies.
It’s something we can already see. It’s something we’ve already proven. ”
It’s the truth. All of it. And it’s the reason I can’t go home.
Christoph close his eyes for a long blink and releases a lungful of air. “So, we walk straight into the front? That’s your suggestion?”
“Yes, but we stay behind it,” I shout at him.
“You won’t be able to just find Noah while we move in this direction,” he says. “Does that change your opinion in any way?”
“He’s right,” Avi shouts across the room from her cot in a gritty rasp. Neither she nor Elias knows that I crossed Noah’s path last week. Or that I know for sure it’s him.
I keep my focus on Christoph and the hesitation written along his face. “It’s not an opinion. It’s fact. Yes, west is where Noah is heading, but heading west is how we can survive.”
“I’m glad you understand, Avi.” Christoph fearlessly lashes back.
“Because if one of us is wrong, we’re all going to die.
Do you think that’s what Noah would want?
” He must believe I’m making up a story—creating a delusion that Noah’s alive.
I can hear it in his voice. “We know your name will be on lists soon if it isn’t already.
You’re registered now, which means if he is alive, he will be able to find you. ”
“If we’re choosing blindly between directions, just know that Noah won’t be able to look at a list to find me,” I say, watching Elias help Avi pack up her few belongings. “Because he was among the German prisoners.”
Christoph freezes, eyes unblinking, arms stiff by his sides. “What do you mean?”
“At the train depot, the location we were at before arriving here—I told you that’s where I saw Noah, but I didn’t just lose sight of him like I said.”
“What? What do you mean? What happened?” Christoph whispers back, but with harshness wrapped around his words.
“It was him, Christoph. I’m positive. But…he was wearing a German uniform. He was among the German prisoners detained by the Soviets.”
“That’s not possible.”
Christoph stares at me, as if waiting for me to take back what I just said. I’m not sure he’s even taken a breath, but his eyes jolt from side to side as if he’s trying to put together a puzzle without all its pieces.
“Well—that—that could mean many things… Are you sure?” he says, perplexed. Very unlike Christoph.
“Like what?” Because I’ve had nothing else to ponder for the last week, I’ve been here. I want to know why he was in that uniform. How he could be… How long was he in Auschwitz?
“He wouldn’t…” Christoph rakes his fingers through his hair. “No. Someone could have forced him. Or he took it to survive. Or he’s infiltrating them… Or…”
His voice falters because there’s one more explanation lingering between us. He won’t say it, and neither will I.
Elias storms back out into the corridor with the linen bags and hands them to Christoph, then returns for Avi, lifting her up into his arms. He doesn’t really care what direction we go if we find supplies for Avi.
“Put me down,” Avi mutters weakly.
“No,” Elias says.
She coughs hard enough to bend in half. “Fine,” she chokes. “If I die out here, don’t think you’ll be getting rid of me.”
I head into the room and grab my linen bag before returning to the three of them in the corridor.
“So, we’re going south?” I’m not sure if Elias is asking me or Christoph this question.
I stare at Christoph, waiting to see whether he believes me about Noah, or still thinks I’m out of my mind. Whether he’ll support my decision even if he does still question my sanity. Whether he feels like he owes me that…
Christoph runs his hand over his mouth and shakes his head. “West might be better for finding supplies for Avi.” He throws me a subtle glance from the corner of his eye.
“But I thought you just said—”
“Thinking on it more, there may be too many risks with borders and which routes are open. I’m not certain about what’s passable,” he says. “West is the safest route as long as we stay behind the Soviets.”
I don’t think I’ve convinced him. But all I know is I can’t leave Noah behind, and I can’t miss the chance of finding him before he’s taken again. I left him behind once, and then our daughter too. I won’t do it again.
Elias and Avi head down the corridor toward the front of the building, leaving Christoph and I alone in fraught silence.
“We’ll leave a note at the registration desk,” Christoph says quietly, carefully. “In case—in case he does come looking for you.” There’s hope in his words, yet he’s watching me, waiting to see if I’ll echo this hope.
A state of denial is easier than facing reality. I understand this more than anyone.
“Christoph. Noah can’t come to find me. I need to find him. He’s heading west toward the larch mills and a coal loading location along the rail lines in Gliwice. That’s where the freight line is. That’s where he’s supposed to be in two days.”
Christoph sighs and pulls out a small map, unfolding it several times before tracing his finger from our starting point to the left. “All right, but… it could take us longer than that on foot, and that’s if the roads are clear.”