Chapter 20
Subject: Secrets and lies
John,
I don’t know why I’m writing this. After everything that’s happened – after I found proof of your gambling – I didn’t think I ever wanted to speak to you again. But here I am.
And with all of these things online now .
. . it’s awful. People are calling me a murderer, John!
They keep pointing to things from the press conference as ‘evidence’ of my guilt.
How I acted so suspiciously; how I snapped at the photographers; the look on my face when I ran away.
Even the pink jumper I wore is apparently proof, because, ‘what heartbroken new widow would wear such a tight pink sweater’.
It wasn’t even my jumper, John! Tilly brought it for me to wear – it was Misha’s.
And of course, everyone’s asking questions about the notebook I dropped. Your notebook, John. The one I found. It took me a while to understand what it all meant – all the numbers and dates – years of them in there – but I do now. And I can’t exactly explain it to the world, can I?
Although, in one way, the renewed media attention has been something like a blessing.
The photographers are camped back outside our house again, and your friend Craig sent me a text message saying they can’t risk meeting with me while I’m being so closely watched by the entire world.
He said the moment the noise dies down, he’ll be back to collect the money – the ￡50,000.
I don’t know what to do, I’ve barely gathered together a few thousand so far.
I think he and his friends are still watching me from afar.
I’ve had some more hang-up calls and strange messages on my phone.
I tried unplugging the landline, but there were several voicemails when I checked.
And hearing those minute-long, silently crackling recordings was somehow even more frightening than the rest of it.
I’ve kept all this from Tilly and Seb, of course.
They can’t know the truth. It’s causing such tension and distance between us.
It’s yet another thing I have to keep from them.
I don’t know how to make it better between us.
Tilly just seems to be getting more and more worried about me.
She thinks I’m having a breakdown, and I don’t know how to make her understand.
Every time I try to reassure her, she seems to get more suspicious.
But there are things I just can’t tell her.
Oh John, I don’t know. Things have been so strange since you died, and they’ve been getting even worse since I met my new friends.
But Tilly was the one telling me to get out there and have fun after your accident!
She kept telling me to find and make a life for myself. Now she seems upset that I actually am.
I think she had this image of what she wanted from me as a widow.
She wanted me to fold in on myself and disappear with grief.
But I don’t want to disappear. I feel like I was disappearing for a long time, even before all this.
Audrey, Teddy and Ivy have made me want to .
. . I don’t know, reappear. I can’t let them go. I can’t.
Paula