Chapter 40 #2
It hurts Pauline’s heart to see her daughter so helpless and uncertain like this.
She knows Tilly has always been desperate to win her dad’s approval – to get his attention and his love – but she has to know the truth.
She nods slowly. ‘I think he tries to be a good man, Tilly, in his own way. But he’s taken a lot from me.
He’s been very controlling and jealous. He built an identity for me and I wasn’t allowed much freedom outside of that. ’
Tilly looks like she’s been slapped, while Seb stares down at the table, something like resignation on his face.
After a moment Tilly shuffles her chair closer to Pauline.
‘OK, yeah, I know Dad can be a bit jealous – we’ve all seen that – but are you saying he’s been, like .
. .’ She searches for the word, continuing in a whisper, ‘Are you saying he’s been . . . abusive?’
Pauline bites her lip as horrible silence fills the room. That word has so much power, so many connotations, and even knowing it’s true, she finds she can’t say it out loud.
Tilly grabs her mother’s hand. ‘Please say you don’t mean that!’ she cries desperately.
Seb wheels around in his seat, his expression angry. ‘Tills, you claim to be the biggest feminist around!’ he says accusingly. ‘Why are you in denial about this? When it’s someone you know, something that affects you personally? Why aren’t you listening ?’
‘But we would’ve seen it, wouldn’t we?’ Tilly’s voice is high pitched.
‘I would’ve known! I would’ve been able to tell if my dad was a bad guy.
He’s always been there for us! For me! He came on the roller coaster ride!
’ Her eyes are wild, but Pauline can see the tears under there, waiting.
She’s desperately holding them back. ‘He came to the theme park that day and he went on that ride with me even though he was terrified and it made him sick!’ She waves her wrist, the watch glinting in the light. ‘He bought me this!’
‘People can be more than one thing, Tilly!’ Seb yells. ‘And one bloody day of being nice on a roller coaster doesn’t make for a good dad! I can’t remember him ever being anything but distant and cold with me. And mean ! Mostly to Mum, but he wasn’t exactly Danny Tanner to us, was he?’
‘Who the hell is Danny Tanner?’ Tilly is flummoxed.
‘ Full House ?’ Seb rolls his eyes. ‘Never mind that! The point is we need to listen to Mum now. We need to hear her out.’
‘I am hearing her out, Seb!’ Tilly is hot-cheeked, her eyes dancing.
‘I just don’t understand! I don’t underst—’ Her voice cracks and she looks at her mum with desperate eyes.
She’s imploring her mum to take the words back.
When Pauline reaches for her hand, Tilly pulls away.
‘I don’t know if I can . . . I don’t know how to .
. .’ She doesn’t get a chance to finish the sentence.
There is a noise out in the hallway: the loud slam of a front door.
‘Honey, I’m home!’ John calls out in a happy, sing-song voice.
He appears moments later in the kitchen doorway, looking around him with surprise.
‘Tilly! Seb! You’re here, are you? How nice.
’ He looks to his wife, not sensing the room’s strange atmosphere.
‘Although it’s getting a bit late, you should probably head off home. Where’s my dinner, eh, Paula?’
Pauline stands up now, facing him, looking at him properly for what feels like the first time. ‘It’s Pauline,’ she says, that rebellious feeling bubbling up inside her again. And this time she’s holding on to those bubbles for dear life.
He barks a laugh at this. ‘Huh. I haven’t heard that name in a few years,’ he says dryly.
‘ Pauline?! ’ Seb repeats, sounding baffled. ‘Who’s Pauline?’
‘It’s me,’ his mum says. ‘It’s my name. Your dad made me change it.’
Tilly’s mouth falls open. She’s looking between her parents as if seeing them for the first time. ‘What? What are you talking about? Why would he do that?’
Pauline had thought she was ready to be Paula again.
She thought she had no choice. But she got it wrong.
She does have a choice but there is only one option she’s ready to take: the option of not letting John have her again.
She can’t. She can’t go back. She can never go back. Her chest is tight and heaving.
John laughs again now, a heaviness to the sound. ‘Oh shut up, Paula, you’re being ridiculous.’
Seb takes a step forward. He looks furious. ‘ You shut up, Dad,’ he says with steel in his voice. Then he walks over to Pauline, threading his fingers through hers and squeezing her hand.
Pauline squeezes it back, feeling his strength and resolve pulsing through her. ‘John, we’re over,’ she says, and he gapes at her as she adds, ‘I’m leaving you.’
There is silence in the room as the four of them all regard one another in shock.
At last John speaks. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Paula,’ he scoffs, sounding uncertain. ‘We’ll talk about this later.’ He moves towards her, and Seb steps forward now, blocking his path. He stares at his father for a few seconds, then turns back to his mum.
‘He faked it, didn’t he?’ He frowns at her.
‘His so-called death? The car accident? His disappearance? All of it? It was horseshit, wasn’t it?
I’m right, aren’t I?’ Pauline looks up at her son in wonder as he continues furiously, ‘None of it made any sense. I knew it didn’t make sense!
And we all just lapped up the lies – the excuses. ’
Tilly stares at her brother. ‘No!’ she says in a whisper, but there are no more words from her after that. More seconds pass. More silence stretches out into oblivion. And then at last Tilly turns away from her family, walks out of the room and out of the house. She’s gone.
John stares at Pauline. There is a second where she thinks he might hit her. And then she sees him for what he really is: a fearful, snivelling little coward.
All she sees on his face now is weakness.
His expression changes as he sees what she sees, and he turns on his heel. Following in Tilly’s wake, he leaves the front door banging on its hinges, leaving Pauline and Seb standing alone in the kitchen.
‘Well done, Mum,’ Seb says cheerfully after a moment, then turns to her with a lopsided grin. ‘Do you want to come play Mario Kart on my Nintendo?’