Chapter 8 #2
And then Connor had come along. An unwelcome inconvenience that, far from softening his parents’ approach to parenting, had only increased their frustrations.
Danny had felt little love for his parents, but he’d adored his baby brother, so from the age of fourteen, he’d become the kid’s main carer.
He’d changed diapers, fed him, bathed him, read stories and taken Connor to the park.
He’d bounced him on his knee while he did his homework, responded to his crying in the night when his parents failed to wake up, and only relinquished his responsibilities when his parents hired a child minder—a miserable woman called Anya, who matched his parents’ style of cold-hearted discipline.
Leaving home at eighteen was supposed to be liberating, a chance to escape his unhappiness and create a new life for himself.
He’d applied to universities all over the world, eager to move as far away as possible.
There was only one problem: leaving four-year-old Connor behind. The guilt he’d felt was crippling.
The timer on his watch beeped, indicating the end of the session.
Danny did his best to hide his relief. ‘Great session, guys! Time to wrap things up!’ He jogged onto the court, sliding about in his socked feet as he collected the balls. ‘Same time next week.’
When he’d played ball at high school in the US, a session would end with high-fives, back-slapping and positive reinforcements from the coach. These kids trudged off the court with their heads down, looking uninspired and bored. Maybe they wouldn’t show up next week. He could only hope.
No. He didn’t mean it. Connor needed a focus in his life, and helping others was a great way of rebuilding self-esteem. According to Hugh, anyway. So if this was helping Connor, then Danny would do whatever was necessary to support him.
The group disappeared from the hall, some mumbling begrudged thanks, others ignoring him completely. London kids were a tough crowd.
He went over to Connor with the net for the balls. ‘Not bad for a first session.’
Connor gave him a look. ‘It was terrible. I feel like I’ve let the centre down.’
‘Don’t be daft, of course you haven’t. Come here.’ He drew Connor into a hug. ‘The centre were looking for ideas about activities to engage local youths and you suggested basketball. It was a great call. Sport unites people.’
Connor pulled away. ‘They didn’t look united.’
Danny opened the bag so Connor could load the balls. ‘Starting something new takes time. Some of these kids have probably never played sport before, or been encouraged to join in with group activities. They have low self-worth. Give them time. We need to build their trust. Don’t give up yet.’
Connor dropped a couple of balls in the bag. ‘Admit it, you hated it.’
Danny feigned shock. ‘Are you kidding me? I had a great time. I love coaching ball to miserable teenagers. What’s not to love?’
Connor laughed and went off the collect the remaining balls. ‘I appreciate you helping me. I wasn’t confident enough to run the first session on my own.’
‘But you will do, give it time. You’ll get there.’
Connor returned with the last of the balls. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Sure, you can ask me anything.’
‘Why have you never got married?’
Danny dropped the bag he was holding, spilling balls onto the court.
Where had that come from?
Connor was looking at him, waiting for an answer. ‘Was it because of me?’
Danny flinched. ‘Of course not. Why would you think that?’
Connor stopped one of the balls rolling away.
‘I don’t know, really. It’s not something I’ve thought about before.
It’s always been you, me, and Uncle Hugh.
’ He picked up the ball and started spinning it in his hands.
‘Lately I’ve been wondering why there’s been no one else in your life.
I know you’ve been on dates and stuff, but you never bring anyone home. Why is that?’
Danny’s head was in a whirl, it wasn’t a subject that had come up before. He could have done with some warning.
He rubbed his forehead. ‘Where’s this coming from? Do you feel like you’ve missed out or something? Like you’re lacking a mother figure?’ This had been Danny’s biggest fear, that somehow he wouldn’t meet Connor’s emotional needs.
Connor sighed. ‘It’s not that, but you’ve been on your own all these years. I wondered why, that’s all. Your life revolves around me, and I guess I’ve taken that for granted. I’ve never stopped to think about what you might want.’
Connor was worried about him? Just when he thought his guilt couldn’t get any worse. ‘I’m not single because of you, Connor. Never think that.’
‘Then why? Have you never wanted someone in your life?’
Oh, boy. This was not a conversation he was prepared for. How could he even begin to explain why he avoided relationships? He took a breath, trying to compose his thoughts.
In hindsight, Hugh was right. Hooking up with Maisie Marshall when he first arrived at uni was the ultimate revenge for years of repressed emotions.
Maisie was loud and fun, a real party girl.
She wore short denim skirts over ripped fishnet tights with tie-dyed baggy T-shirts, and smoked weed using one of those cigarette holders from the nineteen-thirties.
She was fiercely intelligent, loved debating politics, and was at the front of every student rally, no matter the cause.
It had been liberating to be around someone so unafraid of judgement or consequence.
Maisie Marshall was fearless. She was also a drug addict.
Danny forced himself to look Connor in the eye.
‘I’ve never met anyone I’ve liked enough to continue seeing, that’s all.
There’s nothing complicated about it, it’s just never happened for me.
’ Which in part was true, there’d been no one since his uni days he felt strongly enough about to tempt him back into a relationship. Once had been enough.
‘What, never? You’ve never fallen for anyone?’
Oh, he’d fallen all right. He’d been so in love with Maisie he’d ignored the warning signs for months.
He wasn’t sure whether it was his naivety, an unwillingness to see what was staring him in the face, or Maisie’s expertise at hiding her addiction that stopped him from facing the truth. Probably all three.
Knocking back shots at parties with a joint in her hand wasn’t shocking, it matched the other students’ behaviour.
It was only once the initial honeymoon period had worn off that things had switched from loving and tender to arguing and accusations.
Paranoia, lying, deceit, stealing money from him, hiding bottles under her bed, track marks on her arms, burnt foil wrappers in the bin.
And yet for weeks he ignored it and found excuses to justify her erratic moods.
It was only after a fight in which she’d accused him of cheating on her and punched him in the face that he’d walked out, his parents’ voices ringing loud in his ears, reminding him what a stuff-up he was.
Whether he would have gone back to Maisie and tried to help her, he’d never know.
Connor dropped the ball in the net. ‘So you’ve never been in love?’
Danny knew his anguish was visible, so there was no point lying. ‘I was once, back in my uni days. It didn’t end well.’
Connor looked intrigued. ‘What happened?’
Danny’s mind rewound to that night seventeen years ago when the police had shown up at his student digs.
He’d assumed Maisie had got herself in trouble again.
She’d already been arrested for jumping off a moving train, trashing the rest room at a bar, and smacking a security guard in the face with her shoe.
So when he opened the door and saw the sombre expressions on the police officers faces he suspected the worst. A feeling compounded when he heard the words ‘fatal accident’ and one of the officers asking him if he wanted them to call someone to be with him.
It was only when they mentioned the Orange County Coroner that he realised they weren’t talking about his girlfriend, but his parents back home in the US.
The following night Maisie Marshall overdosed. It was only later the following day he’d discovered several missed calls from her on his phone—calls he’d never picked up.
In the space of twenty-four hours he’d lost both his parents and his girlfriend, and was now the sole carer of his five-year-old brother. He wasn’t sure he’d ever fully recovered.
Shaking away the memories, he tried to conceal the pain he felt inside. ‘We … we were very different people, that’s all. We wanted different things. It was never going to work out.’
Connor took the bag from him. ‘And there’s been no one since?’
‘No, there hasn’t.’ Which was at least the truth. Occasional hook-ups, a few repeated dates, but nothing meaningful or lasting, his heart couldn’t take it. ‘But I’m okay with that, it’s not something that bothers me.’
Connor’s eyes fell to the floor. ‘Right.’
‘Where’s this coming from?’ He reached out to touch his brother’s arm. ‘You’ve never asked me about relationships before, why now?’ And then he spotted the colour in Connor’s cheeks. ‘Have you met someone?’
Connor carried the bag of basketballs over to the storage cupboard. ‘We need to lock up.’
Danny followed him. ‘You have, haven’t you? Connor, you can tell me. It’s okay. What’s her name?’ He mentally slapped himself. ‘I mean, their name.’ He shouldn’t assume.
Connor had collected various friends over the years, a mix of sexualities and genders, but to his knowledge his brother had never been in a serious relationship. He was either very discreet, or not interested. Maybe there was another reason—was Connor afraid to admit who he was dating?
Oh, hell. Danny caught him up. ‘Seriously, Connor. It’s okay. Whatever you tell me, it’s fine. Are you seeing someone?’
Connor locked the storage cupboard door. ‘There’s no one. It was nothing, just a brief moment.’
Danny followed him around the room, slipping in his socks, trying to keep up as Connor collected discarded rubbish. ‘It can’t have been nothing if you’re asking me about girlfriends, and why I’m not married.’ He caught Connor’s arm. ‘It must have been something, what happened?’
Connor stopped walking. ‘I met this woman … and …’
Danny’s heart was racing. ‘And?’
Connor’s eyes lifted to his. ‘It felt like I’d been hit by a train.’
Danny swallowed. ‘In a good way?’
Connor rubbed his chest. ‘Like I’d forgotten how to breathe.’
Oh, bless him. ‘Okay, and did she feel the same way?’
‘Maybe, I don’t know. Probably not. It doesn’t matter.’ Connor was off again, stacking chairs and avoiding eye contact.
Danny knew he had to tread carefully. Connor used to be so easy to talk to, an open book, a chatty teenager.
They’d never had problems communicating until that night when everything changed.
Now one ill-advised comment could bring the shutters down and it would be radio silence. ‘Why doesn’t it matter?’
‘She wouldn’t like me if she knew what’d happened, would she?’
So that was it.
Danny didn’t think his heart couldn’t shatter any more than it had, but another piece broke away and disintegrated into dust.
Taking his brother by the shoulders he turned Connor to face him.
‘Listen to me. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were falsely accused. The police dropped the charges and you were innocent of any wrongdoing. You know that. We’ve talked about this, it was unjust, and badly handled, and you’re not at fault. ’
Connor shook his head. ‘Mud sticks, though. You saw the social media posts, no smoke without fire.’
‘That was trolling, Connor. Cruel, ill-informed people making judgements about stuff they know nothing about.’
‘But people believed it.’ His voice cracked. ‘They treated me differently afterwards. Students at uni stopped talking to me, they pointed and whispered. I heard the rumours, even after the case was dropped. It’ll never go away, not fully.’
Danny was struggling for breath, and they weren’t even in an enclosed space.
‘Listen to me, Connor. What happened was grossly unfair, but never think for one moment it was a reflection on you as a person. You’re good, and kind, and loving, and you’d never do anything to hurt anyone.
Anyone who knows you believes that completely. ’
‘What about the people who don’t know me? Are they going to believe the truth? Or what they read online? Seems to me people are happy to believe the worst.’
‘Then you don’t want those kinds of people in your life.’
‘You’re right. I need to be more like you and protect myself. Steer clear of love and relationships and be content being alone. If I don’t let anyone close, then they can’t hurt me, can they? It’s safer that way.’ Connor turned and walked off.
Shit.
Danny rubbed his temples, sinking under the weight of realisation.
Connor wasn’t alone because of what had happened to him, he was afraid of love because that’s the lesson he’d been taught by his guardian. He was a rotten parent.
Danny jogged over to the bench seat, searching for his sneakers. The heavy work boots were missing too. The lanky kid had nicked his shoes? Jesus! Now he had to walk home in socks, on top of everything else.
He grabbed his jacket and raced after Connor, his hip burning like hell.