Chapter 21 #2
Sofia took a breath, trying to rein in her emotions. ‘I know you mean well, Luisa, but I really wish you hadn’t told me. In future, don’t google people, okay?’
‘Everyone does it. It’s the norm these days.’ Luisa gave a demoralised shrug as she clambered back into bed. ‘Even prospective employers do a preliminary search on the internet before hiring. Everything’s out there for the world to see.’
‘Then no wonder there’s so much misinformation being spread about.’ Sofia headed for the door. ‘And people wonder why we have trolling. I’ll see you later.’
‘Please don’t be angry with me, Sofia. I love you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.’
‘I love you too.’ Sofia forced a smile. ‘Get some rest. I’ll be back this afternoon. Call if you need me.’
Sofia had no idea what she was thinking or feeling as she headed downstairs and got herself ready to leave the house to go to the community centre. It was as if her mind had switched to autopilot, refusing to allow Luisa’s words to infiltrate her brain and derail her life plan.
Until a few minutes ago, she’d had a clear vision of her future for the first time in her life.
She’d decided she wanted to work for a non-profit organisation, and she wanted to be with Connor.
She’d never been more certain about anything, so to be hit by this unexpected curve-ball was a blow she hadn’t seen coming, and she had no idea how to process it.
The numbness eased as she walked to the tube station and travelled to White City.
Prior to Luisa’s bombshell, she’d been excited to see Connor today and had spent an age getting ready.
Her outfit wasn’t exactly suitable for a tired and dusty community centre, but she’d wanted to make an effort—it wasn’t every day you decided to throw caution to the wind and declare your feelings for someone.
Now she was wondering if she should have worn something more sombre. Funeral black, maybe.
Keeping her head down, and unwilling to make eye-contact with any of the other passengers, she tried to assimilate her thoughts.
She’d known something bad had happened to Connor, he’d alluded to as much himself, but she couldn’t have envisaged what Luisa had told her.
It was all well and good to spout on about privacy rights and not believing information posted on the internet, but in reality, it didn’t stop the negative thoughts from creeping in.
There would be an explanation, she was sure if it. There had to be.
She exited the tube and walked steadily to the community centre.
Trusting someone wasn’t something you made a decision about.
It was more gut instinct, and she trusted Connor, she knew inherently he was a good and decent person.
This new information hadn’t changed her opinion of him, but she’d be lying if she didn’t acknowledge that Luisa might have stumbled across the reason why Connor had been suffering from such crippling depression.
An accusation like that would be enough to derail anyone’s life.
The annoying thing was, things between them had been improving of late, and when they’d danced together she’d felt a real connection.
Like a spark of something had been ignited, and neither of them had wanted the flame to die out.
It was a feeling she needed to keep hold of, and she was determined she wouldn’t allow anything to derail it.
Connor was in the office and staring at the computer screen when she arrived at the community centre. His chin rested on his hands and the slump in his shoulders radiated acute unhappiness.
‘Morning,’ she said, hanging up her coat, determined to act in her usual friendly manner. ‘Sorry I’m a bit late, I needed to deal with Luisa before I left.’
‘I didn’t realise you were late,’ Connor replied, not looking away from the screen.
It was unusual for him not to look at her, and she felt a twinge of uneasiness. ‘Everything okay?’
Connor’s hair was a mess of dark curls, his hoodie was too big for him, and the spark of energy building in him of late had vanished. Silence hung in the air, heavy and foreboding.
Hanging up her bag, she moved next to him. ‘I’ve been looking into card payment software. I think it’s something we should introduce ahead of the café reopening. Many people don’t carry cash these days, so we could be losing out on custom by not having another payment option.’
Still he didn’t look at her. ‘Sounds good.’
She pulled up a chair and sat down. ‘Would you like me to show you the information?’
‘That’s okay. You go ahead and organise it. It sounds fine.’ His gaze remained fixed on the generic screensaver.
She tried again. ‘You don’t want to check it first?’
‘I’m not sure I’ll be volunteering here much longer. So it won’t be up to me.’
She prayed she’d misheard him. ‘You’re leaving? Why?’
‘A few reasons.’
Panic crept up her neck, making her fidgety. ‘But you love working here. It doesn’t make sense.’
When he finally looked at her, his expression was tortured. ‘It’s for the best.’
‘Has something happened?’ She reached for his hand, but he withdrew it, preventing her from touching him. ‘This isn’t about the other night, is it? I appreciate things might be a little awkward with your brother, but—’
‘A little awkward?’ He looked incredulous. ‘That’s an understatement.’
‘But it doesn’t have to come between us. I’m probably going to lose the ET case anyway, regardless of who the opposing solicitor is. Please don’t let that drive you away, it’s really not an issue. Danny’s just doing his job. I get that, and it’s okay, really.’
Connor looked like someone had slapped him. ‘Danny’s the opposing solicitor?’
Sofia inwardly cursed. ‘You didn’t know?’
He shook his head. ‘No, I didn’t.’
As the colour drained from his face, she realised things were rapidly spiralling out of control, and she had to regroup.
‘So, if that isn’t the problem, then what is?
Because I hate the idea of you stopping volunteering when I know how much you enjoy it.
’ She shifted her chair closer to him. ‘And I’d also hate not seeing you all the time.
I really like you, Connor. And I thought …
hoped … you were starting to like me. It’s not an easy thing for me to admit, but I like you …
a lot. And just to be clear, yes, I mean romantically.
Not just friends, or work colleagues, but a couple. At least, that’s what I’d like.’
She ignored the pleading note in her voice and focused instead on her bravery in admitting her feelings for this fragile, wounded man. To hell with it. Just like the ET hearing, she’d rather try and fail than be left wondering whether she should have taken a stand.
Connor eyelids fluttered closed. ‘Please don’t say that, it just makes things worse.’
She tried to swallow past the lump in her throat. ‘You don’t feel the same way?’
His hands covered his face. ‘What I feel is irrelevant. Nothing can happen now, it’s too late.’
‘Why is it? I don’t understand.’ Her voice betrayed her and cracked slightly.
He lowered his hands. ‘Danny and Elena are a couple. They’re dating.’
It took Sofia a moment to absorb his words. Surely not? Elena hadn’t divulged this information to her, and as far as she knew the pair of them mostly argued. Elena would have told her if things had developed. Wouldn’t she? Maybe Connor had been misinformed? ‘Are you sure?’
‘Apparently so. It’s the first time my dad’s dated anyone since he became my guardian, so I don’t want to complicate things for him by …’
‘Being with me?’ She finished the sentence for him.
‘It’s not just that, Sofia. I’m damaged goods,’ he said, jabbing himself in the chest. ‘I’m messed up, and confused, and some days I feel so low I can’t get out of bed. It wouldn’t be fair on you, you deserve so much better than me.’ The pain in his eyes was unbearable.
This was not how she’d imagined today would play out. She’d thought they were on the cusp of getting together, and now she was in danger of losing him for good. ‘Isn’t that for me to decide?’
His eyes fell away from hers. ‘You’re amazing, Sofia. Beautiful and special. I’d only drag you down.’
She grabbed his forearm and squeezed tightly, trying to cling hold of her last shred of hope. ‘You’ve already told me about your depression, Connor. And I’m okay with it, truly. I understand.’
‘No you don’t. Not really.’
Stung, she withdrew her hand. ‘So what are you going to do? Spend your entire life pushing people away if they get too close? Is that it? Because that’s not a great plan, Connor.
It’s a lonely and sad existence, and a destructive one too.
You say I deserve more, well so do you. If you don’t want me, that’s fine.
But if you’re pushing me away as some kind of punishment for something that’s happened in the past, then that’s unfair on both of us. ’
There was a long, drawn-out moment before his gaze lifted to hers. ‘You know, don’t you?’ She must have blushed, because he said, ‘I heard some of the basketball lads talking about it. I figured you’d find out. You know what happened?’
She shook her head. ‘Not really, not in any detail.’
He slumped back in his chair. ‘What did you do, google me?’ There was a tinge of harshness in his voice, and she knew he was upset.
‘No, I didn’t. That’s something I’d never do. Luisa was looking at community centre stuff and apparently it led onto other stuff posted about you. I didn’t look at anything myself, I promise you, and I honestly wished she hadn’t told me.’
‘I’ll bet.’ He rubbed the back of his neck.
She knew it was a lost cause, he’d never believe her, but she had to try and convince him.
‘I wished she hadn’t told me, because it’s none of my business, Connor.
And if you’d wanted me to know, you would’ve told me yourself.
And I’m sure you would’ve done when the time was right.
It wasn’t right for her to pre-empt things.
It wasn’t fair on me, or you, and I’m so sorry this has happened.
Please don’t let it spoil things between us. ’
He stood up. ‘It already has.’
She tried to grab his hand. ‘Connor, please. Don’t leave.’
‘I have to.’ He gave her one last heart-wrenching look before opening the door. ‘I’m sorry, Sofia.’ The door closed shut behind him with a heavy thud, like the door was closing on her hope too.
‘But I … I’m falling in love with you,’ she said to an empty space.
Unable to fight it, Sofia sank onto the desk and covered her head with her arms.
It was over.
It had never really begun.