Chapter 26
TAKING A DEEP breath to steady her nerves, Helena opened the remaining boxes of possessions that she’d so far neglected to sort through since her move.
It was late on Sunday morning. Helena had allowed herself the luxury of a lie-in after another busy week at the café.
She was feeling refreshed and detoxed after a couple of weeks without drinking and she finally felt ready to tackle the task.
She steeled herself against the onslaught of emotion that would inevitably hit her as she sorted through the items which she hadn’t been brave enough to part with in those last few days at Banham Cottage.
She lifted the contents out of the box one by one and placed them on the bed.
Some were more painful than others: Raffy’s Buzz helmet brought a tear to her eye as she remembered him tearing off ahead of her each day as they made their way to the meadow.
She could see the pride in his eyes as he’d tried it on for the first time as if it were yesterday.
There were other, more heart-wrenching memories to come.
The dog-eared copy of Guess How Much I Love You that Helena had read to Raffy every night for years.
A box full of drawings and notes. She let the tears fall as she took them out one by one to read.
There were cards from Noah with messages of love that she now knew to be nothing but lies.
Cards from Raffy with wobbly writing and misshapen hearts.
Cards from Helena to Noah whose heartfelt contents made her feel ashamed, embarrassed now she could see them through Noah’s eyes.
A colourful painting Raffy had done of a poppy, kept for safekeeping in a cardboard wallet.
Some of Noah’s favourite clothes. Framed photographs, treasured cuddly toys, a baby blanket of Raffy’s he’d loved to sleep cuddled up with.
The Eurostar tickets she had kept from when Noah had taken her to Paris all those years ago.
So many memories, each as bittersweet as the last.
What was she supposed to do with it all?
Was it wrong for her to keep it? Shouldn’t she take the whole lot to charity, throw anything worthless into the bin?
But it still felt too soon to get rid of it.
Even Noah’s things. She couldn’t bring herself to.
Maybe one day, in time, she would feel ready, but she realised she simply wasn’t there yet.
Instead, she opened her suitcase and carefully packed the items back inside.
She would put it under her bed, to be dealt with at another time.
At least she had finally done something about the cardboard boxes; their very presence in her room left her feeling unsettled.
As she got towards the bottom of the last box she began sorting through a pile of paperwork she had rescued from Noah’s desk, in case there was anything important that shouldn’t have been thrown away.
She hadn’t had the energy to go through it at the time.
There was nothing terribly exciting: old payslips, credit card statements, council tax bills.
Peering back into the box she noticed an envelope lying at the bottom. It was addressed to Noah. Curious, Helena slid the letter out of the envelope. The signature, ‘I love you, K xx’ told her all she needed to know.
Helena’s pulse started to race. She was desperate to find out more about Kate, and, if possible, their marriage. Unable to tear her eyes away, Helena read the letter, devouring each and every word, hungry for any clues that might give her some insight into their relationship.
The letter was like a hidden doorway into a world she had so often imagined, so often wondered about.
Kate, the woman Noah had loved, Raffy’s mother, was suddenly so incredibly real.
It was as though she was right there in front of her, somehow brought to life by the words she had written on the page, the marks her hand had made.
My darling Noah,
I wanted to write this down on paper so that I can get my words out just how I mean them.
I often say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment and end up making things worse, so I thought it would be easier this way.
I have had time to think over these past few days, while you have been away.
You were right, we did need some space, and I did have a lot of thinking to do.
I should never have said those things. I understand why you were so angry with me, and I am sorry.
I know how generous you are, and how lucky I am that I don’t have to work, that I can take all the time I need to rest and take care of myself during this pregnancy.
You were right, there are many women who would cut off their right arm to be in my place, and I should never have complained that I miss my old life, it was extremely ungrateful. I am so sorry.
I couldn’t be more excited about starting our family together, we don’t have long to go now…
and I know you will be the most fantastic father to our son when he arrives.
I don’t know what is wrong with me, why I always wind you up so much.
All I can say is that I will try and get better.
I will try and make a nice home for you.
I know all you want is a bit of peace and quiet when you get home from work and you are right, it is not too much to ask.
I am sorry I had invited Sally and Nick over next weekend without checking with you, I have already phoned her to cancel.
I should have taken your feelings into consideration.
I realise that now; it was selfish of me not to.
I’m sure she understands. I only hope that you can forgive me, that we can put the fight behind us and get back to how we were before. Please, my darling, say that we can?
I love you.
K xx
As she read the words in front of her, so heartbreakingly familiar, words of apology she had said many times herself to try and placate Noah, to try and keep the peace after a fight, it felt as though a fog was lifting before her eyes.
She sat down on the bed with a thud. Her mind was racing.
The letter told her so much: Kate and Noah had argued, Kate had also given up work, she hadn’t been allowed to invite her friends over either, and, just like Helena, she had been made to feel guilty for not ‘appreciating’ the solitary existence he was forcing her to live.
And Kate hadn’t even had Raffy to keep her company, so it must have been even worse for her.
They had clearly both found themselves apologising to Noah, was it really likely that Noah had not been the one at fault?
It was finally beginning to dawn on her who the true culprit was.
Two women, both seemingly reduced to shadows of their former selves for fear of him, of his temper.
Recognising the same patterns in Kate and Noah’s relationship as in her own brought the blurred edges into laser sharp focus.
Suddenly, she felt she could see their relationship for what it had become.
She could see Noah for the man he was: a controlling, angry, irrational bully.
He had used his impressive persuasive skills, his subtle manipulation, to belittle her and put her down, slowly but surely wearing away at her, transforming her into the kind of meek, compliant partner he required.
Someone who wouldn’t challenge him, who wouldn’t stand up to him.
And from what she could see in Kate’s letter, her experience had been similar.
It was all so familiar, it could have been Helena sitting there, writing those words.
It was as if Kate had reached out beyond time and given her the permission she needed to be set free.
As she sat and reread the letter, she felt as if she was being released from a set of heavy chains she had not realised she had been shackled to, a sense of lightness pervaded her being.
She was not responsible for what Noah had done.
She never had been. She couldn’t have done anything differently.
She realised that whoever he was with, in whatever circumstances, he would be the same angry, irrational control freak he had always been.
She was nothing but a victim of his coercive behaviour, undoubtedly just as Kate had been, and probably others before her.
She could see it clearly now. There was only one person to blame for the way her life had turned out, and that was Noah.
His cruelty had worn away at her, little by little, whittling away her confidence, her self-esteem, her freedom, her friendships until there was nothing left but an empty vessel.
But she hadn’t been empty enough. Some small part of her had resisted his lies.
Helena slipped Kate’s letter into her coat pocket, went downstairs and offered to take the dogs out for a walk, to which Margery, who was suffering from a terrible cold, gratefully agreed.
She walked to the pond next to the village hall.
She stared out at the bleak grey sky, at the reflections of the trees absorbed in the smooth surface of the pond.
She paused, gathering her composure as she gently eased the ring off the fourth finger of her left hand.
She looked at it, a simple gold band, lying in the palm of her hand.
It was nothing but an empty promise. She took a deep breath, raised her arm and threw the ring into the centre of the pond, watching the ripples as it slid into the murky water.
When she got home, she gave the dogs a treat and settled them in their beds next to the fire to dry off.
Johnny, who had just got back from a run, had tucked Margery up with a blanket, a hot water bottle and a hot toddy; he had also moved her armchair closer to the fire.
Noticing the sound of the shower turning on in the bathroom next door, Helena hauled the suitcase of Raffy and Noah’s possessions back out of the wardrobe and onto her bed.
Her cheeks flushed with anger as the memories of all that she had been subjected to raced through her mind, all that she now realised Kate had probably been subjected to too.
She bagged up everything she had saved that had belonged to Noah and loaded it into the car.
Promising to get Margery some Lemsip from the pharmacy, she drove the whole lot down to the charity shop.
She couldn’t part with Raffy’s things, nor did she want to, but she was suddenly desperate to erase every trace of Noah from her life.
She felt furious with herself for believing all of his lies, for allowing him to control her so completely, to isolate her.
It made her blood boil to think of all the friendships she had lost because of him, of all the opportunities she had missed out on.
Of the shadow of her former self she had become.
Of how much Raffy would always be affected by his controlling nature.
She wanted to be rid of all the evidence of their twisted relationship.
‘I’ve got some items to donate!’ Helena smiled cheerfully at the volunteer behind the till. It was someone new today, a younger man wearing a punk-rock T-shirt.
‘Awesome!’ he grinned. ‘If you could leave them at the back for me that would be great.’ He gestured towards a sign saying ‘Donations’ by the back door.
‘Have a lovely day!’ Helena called as she left the shop, unable to wipe the broad grin from her cheeks. She felt liberated, alive, for the first time in as long as she could remember.