41. Jackson
41
JACKSON
A s I walked along the beach, I took a large sip from the flask of coffee I’d brought from home. I’d hoped that along with the fresh salty air, it’d help me feel more awake and clear my head. But I’d had so little sleep that even if I drank a gallon of caffeinated drinks, I wouldn’t feel any better.
I still couldn’t believe Jane had found out about the videos.
When she’d first asked if I’d been filming videos and I’d realised she knew, my stomach had bottomed out.
It must’ve been pretty shitty to have to listen to her friends talk about my body like that.
I could still see the look of betrayal and disappointment Jane gave me. And every time I pictured it, I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. She’d trusted me and I hadn’t been completely honest with her.
Yeah, it was true that I’d said from the beginning that I wasn’t looking to get involved. I’d told her repeatedly that I had too much on my plate to start a relationship. But then I became weak. I gave into my urges and before I knew it, I was addicted to Jane.
As soon as I realised there was no going back, that I’d fallen in love with her, I should’ve told her everything. But I didn’t want to ruin things. After so many months of sadness, Jane was a bright light, and being with her brought me so much joy that I couldn’t bear to lose it.
Although I’d dreaded telling her the truth, now that she knew—everything, about Mum, the videos and my financial situation—I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
The irony now was that by not telling her my secret and instead allowing her to find out the way she had meant that there was a good chance I was going to lose her anyway.
I couldn’t blame her if she didn’t want to be with me. Sex was still new for Jane, so to suddenly discover that I was an online porn performer was a lot to take in.
If Jane was taking her clothes off online to pay for her only living parent’s care, how would I feel? I’d like to think that I’d understand and support her, but who knows? Until you’re in that situation yourself, it’s impossible to say for certain.
At least she’d said that whatever happened, she’d still support me as a friend. I needed that. Now that we’d been reunited after so many years apart, I hated the idea that I’d never be able to speak to her again.
After I’d given her the bedsheets last night, apart from saying thank you, she didn’t speak to me. And when I woke up this morning she was already gone.
Now, though, it was time to go to work and face the music. I hoped things wouldn’t be awkward. But I had to be prepared for that.
‘Morning,’ I said to Jess as I walked along the corridor.
‘Morning! How are you?’ She smiled.
‘Okay,’ I replied, thinking that my boss didn’t need to know I was feeling like absolute shit.
‘Oh.’ Her face fell. ‘Jane looks just as miserable as you. Everything okay with you two?’
My face dropped. I had no idea how the hell I was supposed to answer that without lying.
‘Nothing for you to worry about,’ I said. ‘But thanks. So I was thinking maybe we could have a catch-up later to talk about the signing tomorrow.’
Normally we were closed on Sundays, but it was the only day that D.D. had free in her schedule, so we were opening the library just for her.
‘Yes!’ Jess beamed. Swift change of subject successfully achieved. ‘I’m so excited! I still can’t believe that in just over twenty-four hours, my favourite author will be here, in our library!’
‘I know, right?’
‘Thanks so much again for arranging it.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘I’m hoping I don’t fangirl too hard when I meet her.’
‘Pretty sure that we’ll all be fangirling. Well, I’ll be fan boying , if that’s even a thing!’ A smile tugged at my lips. ‘Anyway, we’ll be in good company. That was one of the things I said when I was pitching to her agent. Everyone that’s coming tomorrow is a massive fan, so she’ll understand our gushing.’
‘Yeah.’ Jess nodded. ‘Did the delivery of her books come in yet? ’
‘Arrived last night. The agent explained that they’re being really strict with this release. They didn’t send out any advance reader copies. We’re actually one of the first places to get the book.’
‘Amazing! I wish I could just sit and read it all day, but with everything that’s going on, it’s going to be difficult.’
‘Sorry to hear that you didn’t find out who’s responsible.’ I sighed.
‘Thanks. Theo’s arranged for his brother Ben and some other residents to come and help out tomorrow. They’ll be outside, making sure there’s no one suspicious hanging around and patrolling inside the building. The brick through the window and the electricity being cut both happened either before or during an event, so tomorrow we’ll need to be extra vigilant. Especially as D.D. and so many other guests will be coming. We can’t afford for anything to go wrong and we need to keep everyone safe.’
‘Definitely.’
‘I’d better run, but we’ll catch up properly later, okay?’
‘Sure. I’ll be in the bookshop.’
‘Great. Celeste is in today. I thought you might need to spend time in the office to deal with any final prep for the signing.’
‘Cool.’
I could really do without working with Celeste, but it’d be helpful to have cover if I needed it.
It wasn’t that I was worried about her finding out it was me in the videos, because realistically, she hadn’t seen me naked, so she’d never know. It was just that sometimes she was full on. But hopefully now she knew I was with Jane, she’d tone it down a bit .
Was I still with Jane, though? That was the million-dollar question.
After I’d dumped my jacket and rucksack in the office, I went to the library to see Jane. When I got there, though, she was with a member and another lady was in the queue behind her.
I stood and watched for a while, captivated by her beauty and just how competent she looked. Jane was so good at her job. Whenever she talked about books, her passion was infectious.
Jane said something and the woman she was helping laughed. Their voices were low, so I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but my heart instantly swelled. Jane just had the ability to put anyone at ease. That was one of the many things that I loved about her.
Then it dawned on me. Jane didn’t even know that I loved her. I’d almost told her last night, but held back. Saying those three big words after she’d just discovered I’d been keeping secrets from her would sound disingenuous. She’d think I was just trying to butter her up. So I didn’t. But I really wanted to tell her. Jane needed to know how much she meant to me.
When I got to the bookshop, Celeste had just finished serving a customer and was handing over a bag full of books.
‘Looks like that was a big sale,’ I said once the customer left.
‘Jackson!’ Her eyes widened. She came out from the till, then threw her arms around me. I pulled back awkwardly, my hands still firmly at my sides. ‘So good to see you. It’s been ages!’ She rested her hand on my arm and tilted her head to the side .
‘Not really.’ I frowned. ‘I saw you on the beach the other day when I was with Jane, remember?’
‘Oh yeah!’ She squeezed my bicep and I yanked my arm away, causing her hand to fall. ‘That was a surprise! Jane’s sweet, but I thought a man like you would prefer someone a bit more adventurous…’ Celeste winked.
‘Actually, Jane’s my dream woman.’ I crossed my arms. ‘I have zero interest in anyone else.’ I held her gaze to make sure she got the message.
‘Fair enough.’ She shrugged.
‘I can see you’ve got everything handled here, so I’m going to the office to work on tomorrow’s event. I’ll come back when it’s time for your break.’
I turned away, then left.
Although I had no idea whether or not Jane wanted to continue our relationship, what I’d said to Celeste was true. Jane was my dream woman and even if she dumped me, I wasn’t interested in Celeste or anyone else.
There was only one woman I wanted.
And all I could do now was hope that she still wanted me too.