Chapter 18
eighteen
Sam to Cooper: Hey, it’s me! Nina gave me your number.
Sam: Me as in Sam.
Sam: Samantha.
Sam: I just thought maybe we should connect before this whole weekend thing happens. I have questions.
Sam: Mostly related to wardrobe.
Sam: I know you prefer me naked but I don’t want to shock the neighbors. LOL.
Sam to Winnie: OMFG you need to take away my phone.
Sam: I already brought up being naked.
Sam: And typed LOL. Like actually. LOL.
Sam: He hasn’t responded.
Sam: If you don’t hear from me again, it’s because I’ve found a nice hole in which to shrivel up and die from sheer mortification.
Winnie: You brought up being naked?!?! I need context.
Sam: Does it really matter? I must be stopped.
Winnie: It does.
Winnie : I need to know exactly how to make fun of you for this when I see you later.
Sam: I hate you.
Winnie: Love you too, boo.
Emily to Sam: YOU ARE A LIFESAVER!!
Emily: I love you. I love you. I love youuuuuu. The budget you sent is perfect. I’m trying to find an assistant to hire out in LA when I get there. Can we chat later to work on a potential base salary? I’m so out of my element here.
Emily: PS—when are you finally going to quit your job and just admit you want to run this company with me?
Emily: Please.
Emily: Pretty pretty please with a delicious maraschino cherry on top?
Sam: You can’t afford me.
Sam: But I will work on the base salary with you. Add it to my bill. You’re racking up some serious consulting charges here.
Emily: Exactly! That’s why I want to pay you with ownership shares. 50/50? What do you say?
Sam: Em. Don’t even joke about that. Your shares are the most valuable asset you have.
Emily: What if I think you’re the most valuable asset I have?
Emily: I want to do this with you, officially. I want to do this together.
Emily: Sam?
Emily: SAM!
Emily: Don’t you dare ghost me right now!
Sam: Relax. It’s been like five minutes. And you know how affection makes me break out in hives. I had to go find some Benadryl.
Emily: Hilarious.
Sam: I know.
Sam: How’s the move going, by the way? Don’t think I didn’t notice that casual LA name-drop back there. I can’t believe it’s only two months away.
Emily: I know what you’re doing. This isn’t over. But I’m going to let it slide, you deflection wizard, because… AHHH! Two months!!! Isn’t that insane? I really can’t believe it.
Emily: Jake sends me a new apartment listing almost every day. It’s sort of adorable.
Sam: Excuse me while I go throw up.
Emily: Someday someone is going to sweep you off your feet and I’m just going to sit back and laugh and enjoy the show.
Sam: Until then, I’ll keep enjoying your show. Dad called me last night in a panic after you made out with seven different guys in a single episode. I had to talk him off a ledge.
Emily: Oh god.
Emily: I saw him driving around in his squad car earlier and I just knew he was avoiding me. I waved from across the street and he pretended not to see, the little sneak.
Emily: I’ll swing by Mom’s shop at lunch to see what sort of groveling this requires. He’s so fragile. Men.
Emily: Actually, I should probably go call Jake too.
Emily: Miss you!
Sam: Miss you too!
Winnie to Sam : I left a present on your pillow when you get home.
Sam: Oh my god. Stop hiding romance novels around my room. MY LIFE IS NOT A ROM-COM.
Winnie: Obviously not.
Winnie: It’s a Western.
Sam to Cooper: Me again.
Sam: Just want to make sure I have the right number.
Sam: Let me know!
Jake to Sam: Nina’s being weird. I met her for coffee earlier. I can tell when she’s scheming. Do you know anything?
Sam: This number has been blocked. Try again later.
Jake: Sam. Come on. The phone doesn’t tell you when you’ve been blocked.
Jake: Stop being an ass.
Sam: Payback’s a bitch.
Jake: I blocked you one time!
Sam: And it was the wrong fucking time.
Sam: Em’s super excited about the move, btw. It’s all she can talk about. Don’t mess it up.
Jake: I won’t.
Jake: But do you? Know anything about Nina?
Sam: The number you have dialed is disconnected. Please hang up and try again.
Jake: Oh for fuck’s sake. Forget it.
Sam to Nina: It’s been over two weeks and I haven’t heard from Cooper. Are you sure you gave me the right number?
Nina: I’m sure.
Sam: …
Sam: That’s it?
Nina: What else do you want me to say?
Sam: I hope you know I’m giving you the middle finger through my phone.
Nina: I hope you know I don’t care.
Sam to Cooper: Hey. If you don’t want me to come, I get it. Just let me know. I’ll tell Nina to cancel the ticket.
Sam to Winnie: Why is there a tan leather jacket with fringe sleeves on my bed?
Winnie: You’re welcome.
Sam: Please tell me you did not actually spend money on this.
Winnie: I did. But it was five years ago and I love that jacket, so treat it like your child.
Sam: I have never seen you wear this once.
Winnie: NYC is not ready for me in fringe.
Sam: I’m bringing it back to your room. He clearly doesn’t want me to come anyway.
Winnie: Shut up.
Winnie: There’s a reasonable explanation. I promise. Don’t give up yet.
Sam: It’s been three weeks.
Winnie: We both saw the video of him saving that baby on the first episode. He’s the six-pack savior. He’d never ghost you like this. I can feel it.
Sam: Social media is a lie.
Winnie: The way my ovaries exploded isn’t.
Sam: I have no idea what to say to that.
Winnie: Good. Be quiet and try on my jacket.
Winnie: I’ll be home in five.
Cooper to Nina: Are you fucking kidding me, Nina?
Cooper: You gave her my number and didn’t tell me? You knew I didn’t have my cell phone. I’ve been calling you on my satellite phone every day for three weeks. What the hell are you playing at?
Nina: You’re welcome.
Cooper to Sam: Shit, Sam. Hi.
Cooper: I definitely want you to come.
Cooper: Please still come.
Cooper : I’ve been out on the roundup without my phone. I wasn’t ignoring you. I just got back this afternoon.
Cooper: If you could smell me right now, you’d know I haven’t had a real shower in a month.
Cooper: Come and you’ll see.
Cooper: Well, I mean, you won’t. I’ll be clean by then. I promise.
Cooper: Just come.
Cooper to Wes : Fuck, man. I’m practically begging her to visit and I just told her I smell like shit.
Wes: You’re doing great, sweetie.
Cooper: How do I salvage this?
Wes: Taking a breath might be a good place to start.
Wes: And a shower…
Sam to Cooper: You’re alive! And apparently smelly.
Cooper: I’m alive. And very sorry.
Sam: I figured there was some sort of explanation. No sweat.
Sam: Ha. Sweat. Get it?
Sam: Cause you’re smelly.
Sam: Not because of any other sweat-related activities.
Sam: Anyway… What’s the roundup?
Cooper: We basically move all the cattle from the summer to winter pastures. It takes a while to find them all on the open plains and drive them closer to the ranch. Now we’re weaning the calves, figuring out which to sell, doing vet checks and vaccinations, fixing fences. The usual.
Sam: Sounds very unusual to me.
Cooper: You’ll see it soon enough.
Sam: Speaking of… I’ve been doing some research, strictly for packing purposes, and I read that some cowboys still sleep in bunkhouses on big ranches. What kind of voyeuristic situation do I need to prepare myself for, Cooper?
Cooper: None.
Cooper: We have a bunkhouse. I don’t sleep in it and neither will you.
Sam: Then where will I sleep?
Cooper: In my bed, with me.
Sam: You sound very sure of that fact.
Cooper: I am.
Cooper: I’m not fucking sharing you with anyone, Cuj. Got it?
Sam: Got it.
Cooper: And I’m planning for lots of sweat-related activities.
Sam: Balls feeling a little blue there, cowboy?
Cooper: You have no idea.
Sam: My rules still stand. No lips. No tomorrow.
Cooper: Whatever gets you on the plane.
Sam: I mean it, Cooper.
Cooper: Of course you do.
Winnie to Sam: Why are you sitting there with that silly-ass smile on your face?
Sam: No reason.
Winnie: If you weren’t on a call right now, I’d throttle you.
Sam: I know.
Winnie: Tell me what’s going on or I make no promises. Client or no client!
Sam: Cooper just texted, and I quote, “I’m not fucking sharing you with anyone.”
Winnie: Damn he’s good.
Winnie: There go my ovaries again.
Sam: OMFG WINNIE.
Sam: I just snorted in the middle of my boss’s presentation. This is why I never work from home. Go focus on yourself and stop making that face at me.
Winnie: What face?
Winnie: Okay, I’m going. I’m going. Stop throwing things at me.
Sam to Cooper: Did you remedy that unfortunate personal hygiene situation? I was sort of looking forward to all the fresh country air…
Cooper: Need a break from the city already?
Sam: What do you mean? I live for the smell of warm car exhaust in the morning.
Cooper: What about warm cow shit?
Sam: Damn. You really know how to turn a girl on.
Cooper: Kidding. My place is set away from the herd.
Sam: Your place? Interesting.
Sam: What sort of place are we talking? Shanty? Taj Mahal?
Cooper: I think I’d rather surprise you.
Sam: Don’t make me google you.
Cooper: Like you haven’t already.
Sam: Touché.
Sam: Information about the Kelley & Dunne Ranch is surprisingly sparse. I found some acreage estimates (yowzah) and some cattle industry facts, but hardly any photos. Your website could use some updating. Your Instagram too. How can I properly stalk you if you don’t provide me with any material?
Cooper: My father is very private. What do you want to know?
Sam: Where does the Dunne come from?
Cooper: There were two separate ranches until 1935 when Rebecca Dunne and George Kelley eloped. Very Romeo and Juliet. Her father wouldn’t honor the marriage unless his name stayed on the land. According to our family lore, there’s some contract somewhere stating every firstborn son needs to have both names too. Hence, Cooper Dunne Kelley. And my father, Francis Dunne Kelley.
Sam: How very patriarchal of you.
Cooper: I wouldn’t mind having a little Susie Dunne Kelley running around either.
Sam: Susie, huh?
Cooper: It’s my imaginary daughter. Butt out.
Cooper: Unless, of course, you’re hoping to be an active participant in this possible scenario…
Sam: Next question.
Sam: What kind of animals do you have? Aside from Nutcracker, of course.
Cooper: Aww, you remember her name? That’s sweet, Cuj. She’d be touched.
Sam: No she wouldn’t.
Cooper: How do you know?
Sam: Because you have a type.
Sam: Jealous assholes.
Cooper: Speaking from personal experience?
Sam: The animals, cowboy.
Cooper: Mostly cattle. But also sheep and goats. Other work horses. Some chickens and turkeys but not for commercial purposes. Barn cats. Two Australian shepherds, Harley and Scout, though they prefer to stay with my dad. We’re a motley crew.
Sam: And will I meet your dad?
Cooper: You don’t want to. Trust me.
Sam: What sort of activities do you have planned for me?
Cooper: I’d rather not say.
Sam: How far from the airport is the ranch?
Cooper: You’ll see when you get here.
Sam: Is there a reason you’re suddenly acting cagey?
Cooper: What do you think?
Sam: You’re up to something.
Cooper: Me? Never.
Sam: Just tell me.
Cooper: Where’s the fun in that?
Sam: Mark my words. I WILL get you back for this.
Cooper: It’ll be worth it to see the look on your face.
Sam: My roommate gave me a set of cowboy boots for the trip. Maybe I’ll show up wearing them with that thong you seemed to like so much…and nothing else. Might be worth it to see the look on *your* face.
Cooper: Jesus Christ, woman.
Cooper: You don’t play fair.
Sam: No such thing, Cooper.
Sam: No. Such. Thing.
Emily to Sam: Have I mentioned you’re a godsend recently?
Sam: Yes.
Sam: But I never get tired of hearing it.
Emily: Obviously.
Sam: Hey!
Emily: Wanna Facetime?
Sam: Sorry, can’t. At the office. Things are totally insane here. Phone later?
Emily: Sure.
Emily: Have you thought any more about what I said? I meant it, you know. I want you to run this company with me. I’m totally out of my element. I can’t do this without you.
Emily: I need a CFO. A real one.
Emily: Why can’t it be you?
Sam: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. YOU WENT NAKED BUNGEE JUMPING AND DIDN’T TELL ME?
Emily: Oh my god, calm down.
Sam: HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?
Emily: I forgot.
Emily: That episode hasn’t even aired yet.
Sam: I just saw a promo.
Emily: I thought you were at the office?
Sam: I am.
Sam: Taking a quick break.
Sam: Is it wrong I can’t stop staring at Ethan’s ass? He’s such a jerk and I hate him, but damn. He has a great ass.
Emily: That’s not Ethan’s ass.
Emily: It’s Jake’s.
Sam: OH MY GOD MY EYES
Emily: hahahaha
Sam: This is not funny.
Emily: I can’t breathe.
Sam: Shut up.
Emily: You can’t even hear me.
Sam: Twin telepathy.
Sam: You’re still laughing.
Sam: I know you are.
Sam: Emily Ann Peters.
Emily: I wonder what Jake will think about your opinion of his ass?
Sam: You wouldn’t dare.
Sam: Emily.
Sam: EMILY.
Jake to Sam: So you think I have a hot ass?
Sam: If by hot, you mean full of shit, then yes.
Jake: That’s not what I heard…
Sam: She’s dead to me.
Jake: Now that I have your attention, I need your help with something.
Sam: Spit it out or I’m blocking you for real.
Jake: Did you listen to any of my voicemails?
Sam: Can neither confirm nor deny.
Jake: Are you planning on being a pain in my ass for the rest of my goddamn life?
Sam: Yes.
Jake: Christ, Sam.
Sam: Call it sisterly love.
Jake: So you did listen.
Sam: Yes, Jake. Obviously, I listened. And obviously, I was making you sweat it out for a few more days before I responded because I am a petty, petty woman who can’t resist a little bit of payback when it’s handed to me on a silver platter.
Jake: So what do you think?
Jake: Sam.
Jake: SAM!
Sam: If someone proposed to me with a Ring Pop I would cut their balls off.
Sam: It’s perfect.
Sam: She’s going to love it.
Cooper to Sam: Favorite snacks? I’m going to the store this weekend.
Sam: Mixed nuts. Dried mango. If you get a jar of Atomic Fireballs, you’ll be my favorite person ever.
Cooper: I thought I already was?
Sam: Well…this is awkward.
Cooper: Bite me.
Sam: I plan to.
Cooper: For fuck’s sake. It’s ten o’clock in the morning. I need to be able to work the rest of the day.
Sam: Good luck with that.
Sam to Cooper: Favorite color?
Cooper: Why?
Sam: I heard La Perla is having a sale. Thought I’d swing by during my lunch break.
Cooper: What the hell is La Perla?
Sam: Oh my sweet summer child. I keep forgetting you only know me with Em’s wardrobe. Look it up.
Cooper: You have got to stop doing this to me in the middle of the day.
Cooper: But for those purposes…black.
Sam: Noted.
Cooper to Sam: Do you ever miss it?
Sam: Miss what? The Maldives?
Cooper: Yes. The Maldives.
Cooper: It’s just, I’m sitting here on my back porch watching the sun set, and it’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong. But I can’t stop thinking about that view off the deck and how the sun would disappear right into the ocean. I’ve never seen anything like it.
Sam: I don’t know what you’re talking about. If I lean really far over, I can almost see the bright lights of a shipping container cruising down the Hudson River through my boss’s window. Is that not the same?
Cooper: I’m being serious.
Sam: Me too.
Cooper: For fuck’s sake.
Sam: Yes, I miss it.
Cooper: What do you miss?
Sam: The view. The food. The weather. The room.
Cooper: And that’s it?
Sam: What else is there?
Cooper: That’s the question I’ve been asking myself, Cuj. What else could I possibly be missing this much?
Sam: I think I know the answer.
Cooper: Yeah?
Sam: It’ll be there soon.
Cooper to Sam: Why is there a bag of sand leaking all over my wood floors?
Sam: You’re welcome.
Cooper: No, really. Why?
Sam: It’s my present. The thing you’ve been missing. Sand. Straight from the Maldives.
Cooper: There is no way this is from the Maldives.
Sam: Take your shoes off. Dig your toes in.
Cooper: And risk the plague?
Sam: I never thought someone who just spent a month without running water would be so squeamish.
Cooper: I’m a cattle rancher, not a cretin.
Sam: Are we sure those are mutually exclusive?
Cooper: I’m saving this until you get here.
Sam: Good. Please do. Then I can show you how to properly react to such a thoughtful gift.
Cooper: From anyone else, it would be. But I know you.
Sam: I resent that.
Cooper: I will give you an honest answer to any question right now if you can send me one selfie in which you don’t have a shit-eating grin. Just one.
Cooper: Five.
Cooper: Four.
Cooper: Three.
Cooper: Two.
Sam: All right. ALL RIGHT! Maybe it wasn’t completely benevolent…
Sam: [Picture message]
Cooper: You’re a devil woman.
Cooper: I think I just saw the sand move.
Cooper: Oh man. It definitely moved.
Sam: Throw it out!
Sam: Cooper?
Sam: Cooper!
Cooper: Gotcha.
Sam: Oh my god, my heart is pounding. You can’t do that to me!
Cooper: I’m pretty sure I just did.
Sam: That bag better be gone by the time I get there.
Cooper: You don’t want to take your shoes off? Dig your toes in?
Sam: You’ve ruined sand for me.
Cooper: What the hell did you think it was?
Sam: I don’t fucking know, but I’m pretty sure I saw your life flash before my eyes.
Cooper: Aww. You do care.
Sam: Well I don’t anymore, you jerk.
Cooper: Good night, Sam.
Sam: Night.
Cooper to Sam: What are you up to?
Sam: Nothing really. Work. You?
Cooper: Just got in. Can I call you?
Sam: Why?
Cooper: No reason.
Sam: Is that a good idea?
Cooper: Is it a bad one?
Sam: I don’t know. Maybe?
Sam: I thought we were keeping things casual. Extending the rules for one last weekend. Sticking to the plan.
Cooper: And the sound of my voice might, what? Lure you to the altar? We’re already engaged, Cuj.
Sam: Phone calls aren’t casual, cowboy.
Sam: I’m not answering that.
Cooper: Answer the fucking phone.
Sam: I’m not.
Sam: I’m not.
Sam: Stop calling.
Sam: Oh my god, fine. But I draw the line at Facetiming.
Cooper to Sam: That was fun last night.
Cooper: You know what? Don’t answer. I have a lot to do today and I don’t need any distractions.
Cooper: Screw it. I’m already picturing it again.
Cooper: What time do you get home tonight?
Sam: Not sure. Work is kicking my ass.
Cooper: Call me.
Sam: It might not be until late.
Cooper: Call me.
Sam to Cooper: I just faceplanted into my keyboard. I’m so tired. I blame you.
Cooper: It wasn’t my idea to stay up until four talking.
Sam: Well, it sure as hell wasn’t mine.
Cooper: At least you got to sleep in. My alarm goes off at dawn, remember? I can’t ride for shit right now.
Sam: Same time tonight?
Cooper: Done.
Cooper to Sam: You free?
Sam: Give me twenty minutes.
Sam to Cooper: You back from dinner with your dad yet? I snuck out early.
Cooper: Thank fuck. I’ve been waiting for your text.
Cooper to Sam: You around?
Cooper: You know what? I’m just going to call you. Pick up if you can. If not, call me later.
Cooper to Sam: You sounded stressed last night. Everything okay?
Sam: I’m not stressed anymore. Wink wink.
Cooper: I’m serious, Sam.
Sam: So am I. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’ll call you later.
Cooper: I’ll answer.
Sam to Cooper: Shit, sorry! I can’t believe I fucking fell asleep.
Cooper: You don’t need to apologize. It was worth it to me just to hear you breathe.
Sam: Cooper.
Cooper: Yes?
Sam: That’s not casual.
Cooper: It’s the truth.
Sam to Winnie: Shit. Shit. Shit.
Winnie: I’m going to assume this has something to do with the cowboy?
Sam: I cannot be falling for him, Winnie.
Sam: I can’t.
Winnie: Why the hell not?
Sam: I just…
Winnie: Did you just scream? And not in the fun way?
Winnie: That’s it. Phone sex or no phone sex, I’ll be in your room in ten minutes with margaritas.
Sam: It’s 11 a.m. on a Sunday, Win.
Winnie: Exactly.
Sam to Cooper: What are the five things you hate most about me?
Cooper: What the hell kind of question is that?
Sam: Just answer it.
Cooper: 1. I hate that you ask stupid questions.
Sam: That doesn’t count.
Cooper: 2. I hate that you won’t let me kiss you.
Sam: You know that’s not what I mean, Cooper.
Cooper: 3. I hate that you’re not even here and you’re already putting one foot out the door.
Sam: Ugh. Never mind.
Cooper: 4. I hate that you’re a secret.
Cooper: 5. I hate that you live in New York.
Cooper: You know what? Scratch that last one. Because if I’m being honest, you live rent free in my goddamn mind. Every free second I get, you’re the first thing I think about and it would actually be really fucking annoying if I didn’t like it so much. So you better not be backing out on me, Cuj.
Sam: Are we sure this visit is a good idea?
Cooper: Yes.
Sam: Because I’ve been lying here for an hour, unable to sleep, staring at my packed bags, trying to come up with five things I hate about you, Cooper. It’s this little game I play. And for the first time in my life, I can only come up with one thing.
Cooper: Dammit, Sam. Pick up the phone.
Sam: The only thing I hate about you is that I’m pretty sure I don’t hate anything at all.
Cooper: Get on the plane, Sam.
Cooper: That’s all you have to do.
Cooper: Get on the plane.
Cooper: When you land, I’ll be there waiting. And it’ll all make sense. I can’t tell you how I know but I do. Just get on the plane. Just get here. Just come.
Sam: Good night, Cooper.
Cooper: Sam.
Sam: I’ll see you tomorrow.