Chapter 33
Mid- to late October
“Oh, look at her. Those tiny fingers. She’s the cutest thing.”
“Yep, she’s a keeper.” David laughed, cradling his infant daughter.
Josie smiled at the baby on the screen, in the arms of her father, and shook her head in disbelief. Three years ago, her brother had died in Hawaii. Now he was a new father of three days, about to get married. And living in Australia.
“Man, I really wish I was with you guys,” Josie said. “It’s so emotional seeing you with Daisy. Thank goodness for Skype. At least we can sort of hang out.”
The scene behind David’s head was of a large, high-ceilinged room.
The pink-orange light of sunset poured through tall windows, Anna moving in the background.
Minutes previously, Josie had been making faces into the webcam at Daisy as the baby stared at the screen.
So gorgeous — and so unaware of who Josie was.
In contrast, the inset image of Josie in the corner of the screen was one of her apartment at night, a weak table lamp lighting up half her face. About how she felt these days.
“Yeah,” David looks tired. “But it’s not the same. You’re coming for the wedding, so that’ll be brilliant. There’s bags of space here. We have a guest room for you and Pete, a single room for Mum, and the basement suite for Laura, Adam, and Theo.”
Josie inhaled. She hadn’t told him about Peter but thought her mother would have by now. Clearly her mum was leaving Josie to do her own dirty work.
“Well, you can put me in the small room, because it’ll only be me.” She avoided looking into the webcam, ashamed. “Peter and I broke up six weeks ago.”
Her brother frowned. “What? What happened, Jose? He’s crazy about you. You can fix it, right?”
“I can’t fix it, David. I don’t want to. He was so great, is so great, but I never really fell in love with him. He knew that, and gave up. He said I could call him when I decide I want to be in the relationship, but the truth is, I never felt it was . . . right. So I haven’t called him.”
David looked gutted. She wished she felt the same. “Bosie, that blows. I thought he was perfect for you.”
“Well, some things don’t feel right. I know you liked him. It sucks for me, too. I do miss him. I realized after we broke up, he had become one of my closest friends. He was so fun to be around and brought so much music and laughter to my life. But I couldn’t get there.”
“I’m sorry, Bose. We’ll cheer you up. When are your flights?”
“I’m arriving on the 7th, so I’ll have a few days to get over jet lag before the wedding. Flying back on the 24th. I have to be back at work after that.”
“You won’t be here for your birthday?” David frowned. “That’s a shame. You should’ve booked more time off.”
Josie could have done, he was right. But she couldn’t tell him why she had to be back that day.
“Yeah, but it’s too long off the radio show. I’ve got fillers set up while I’m away, but the 26th is the first day back after Thanksgiving. I have to be on air again.” It was partly true, at least.
She heard Anna calling David for dinner.
“Guess you won’t be going out too often, huh?” Josie said, changing the subject. “Our New Year’s Eve in London seems a million miles away now.”
“Yeah,” David replied with a laugh, “and don’t forget, it’s because of New Year’s Eve and meeting Anna that I’m here in Sydney and not going out. Possibly never going out again.” He glanced lovingly at the baby.
“Oh, you will,” Josie assured him. “When Daisy is eighteen, you’ll have a social life again. Unless you have more kids, of course.”
David laughed. “Thanks for that, you smug cow. I’d better go. Our neighbors brought us a casserole, and it smells incredible. Thanks for Skyping, sis. It was lovely to chat.”
“You’re welcome, and congratulations again.” Josie’s anxiety over the impending end of the conversation was kicking in. “I’ve got to go, anyway, it’s nearly 2 a.m. I haven’t had my Friday yet. Miss you loads. I can’t wait to see you. Give Daisy a big snuggle from her Auntie Bosie.”
“Will do. Gotta run. Bye.”
The familiar bleep sounded as the call ended, and her screen went dark. All the light and joy of their home, many thousands of miles away, gone in an instant. Josie felt bereft. She hadn’t even told her brother she loved him.
At least she’d see him again next month, she told herself. She could tell him she loved him then, in person.
She looked around her apartment. Despite the comfort it brought her, things were not great these days. She had figured that since she and Peter broke up, the anxiety might ease. That she’d have less guilt because she was no longer sleeping with a man who wasn’t her husband.
But if anything, her depression had deepened. With Peter in her life, at least she’d had a lover. Someone to hold her and make her feel safe and adored. Someone to distract her from her grief.
Because grief it was, and she’d never fully processed it. The grief of losing her husband, of being thrown into a world where he was with someone else. Instead, she had drowned her sorrows in a pseudo-relationship with a good man who deserved better.
Now that Peter was gone, although she missed him a lot, it was Rob who had come back to the forefront of Josie’s mind. She yearned for her husband and their life together, so much so she ached from it at every moment.
Josie downed a sleep aid and added a strong painkiller, her head pounding. She slid into bed and thought about her lost husband. And whether she would ever get him back.
Yes, she had reason to be back in New York. It was an idea that had been growing inside her for several weeks now.
The thought that maybe she could go back to her old life. That there was a way to do it. A terrifying and incredibly risky way. But one that left her with a small glimmer of hope.
Sleep finally came, and it was less of a nightmare. She felt she had some control. In her dream, on that sunset beach, she told Other Josie, “I want my husband back. I’m coming for him.”
* * *
Lounging on the green velvet couch, Suzie put her feet up carelessly on Josie’s shabby ottoman. “So, you feeling any better about the Peter breakup?”
Josie sat down beside Suzie, tucking her feet under her.
“I guess. It’s been weird at choir without him.
I think everyone’s a bit mad we got involved and then broke up, since it resulted in Peter quitting.
Ryan said to me, ‘This is why you don’t shit where you eat.
’” She screwed up her nose. “A delightful analogy. Anyway, choir aside, I’m feeling .
. . better, yeah. It’s been two months, and it was the right decision.
” Josie gave a small laugh. “Thank God I have you. Lord knows I can’t afford a therapist. This is my therapy couch, right here, and you’re my shrink.
I hope you realize this.” She shuffled down and lifted her bare feet onto Suzie’s lap.
Suzie smiled, somewhat half-heartedly. “If you believe ending it with Peter was the right thing, it must’ve been. It’s too bad, though, I really liked him. From what I saw of him.”
“Peter was great. But you know how I’m feeling, Suze. He’s not my guy. I’m not going to change how I feel about my old life, about my real husband. I understand you still want me to adjust to the new normal, but it isn’t going to happen.”
Suzie pursed her lips. “But, Jose, how are you going to live with that? Are you never going to be with anyone new, because you believe you have a husband in another goddam universe?”
Behind Suzie’s head, Josie watched the first of fall’s auburn leaves drop outside her living room window.
Should she tell her?
“Josie?”
Josie lifted her head to take a fortifying sip of her wine. She’d better tell someone, and Suzie was the only candidate.
“I think I might be able to go back,” Josie’s voice was small.
A crease appeared on Suzie’s forehead. “Go back? Wait . . . you mean to your old life?”
“Yep. I think there might be a way.” Josie sat upright. “I told you ages ago that I think I switched lives with another version of myself, the one who belongs to this life. And this Other Josie came from here, but is now living with my husband, right?
“But here’s the thing. Maybe Other Josie and Rob aren’t together in my old life.
Maybe he realizes she isn’t his real wife, and they aren’t actually a couple, she’s just stuck there.
Or they are together, but it isn’t working out because they know the truth — or at least she does.
And think about it, there’s David too. She’s now in a life where David is dead.
So it’s possible Other Josie wants her old life back as much as I do. ”
Suzie pushed her scarlet lips out, looking doubtful. “Okay. But how does that get you back?”
“Well, if that’s true, she’ll have been thinking about how it could be done, just as I have. And there’s only one answer to that question. We’ve got the same brain, so we’ll come to the same conclusion.”
“What’s that?”
Josie bit her bottom lip, wondering if she should continue.
“So, don’t freak out, but . . . We have to do what got us here in the first place.
But in reverse. We have to crash again — no, listen, Suze — in the same place and at the same time and date as last time.
The date that caused our paths to diverge in the first place, my birthday, right? ”
She took a deep breath. “If we both did that, at the exact same moment, maybe we’d switch back. I’ve been dreaming about Other Josie constantly, and I feel like she’s going to do it. So I have to, as well. It’s worth a try at least.”
Suzie shook her head vehemently. “No, Jose, it isn’t. It’s stupid and dangerous. You could get hurt.”
“That’s the risk I’m willing to take,” Josie replied firmly.
Suzie was silent for a moment. “Okay, even if what you’re saying is real, and it works, you’d be going back to a world where David is dead again. No more David, ever, and where little Daisy never even existed. Can you do that?”
Josie watched another leaf drift past the window.
“I’ve thought a lot about that. Of course I have.
But I have to pick my poison. Ultimately, which is worth more to me?
A brother and niece to see every couple of years, or a loving husband to spend my life with? I’ve made my decision on that, Suzie.”
Suzie drained the last of her wine. “Clearly I can’t stop you, you crazy-ass woman. But for God’s sake, wear a bike helmet.”