Chapter 32 Jake
Jake reached forward to crank up the air-conditioning.
Along the leafy, rural roads, the light between the foliage created a strobing effect as the Audi sped past. It was almost hypnotic.
Twice he had to brake suddenly as he came across an unexpected stop sign.
It had been months since he’d driven out to the quarry lake.
Two months and twenty-four days, to be precise. He felt the need to be here today. It was the last place he’d been with Liv.
Last time, when he’d driven along these roads, Liv had been by his side, full of anticipation for their celebration. Then, the surrounding fields were lush and green. Today, they were dry, sandy, desiccated after a hot summer virtually devoid of rain.
That’s what Jake’s existence felt like these days. Water was life, and Liv his hydration. Without her, his world was barren.
He pulled down the shady track that led to the woodland, and parked next to the trailhead at the end, under a wide oak tree. He sat for a moment in the cool of the car, anticipating the day’s heat hitting him like a mallet when he stepped outside, despite it only being 9:30 a.m.
This sweet car was another thing he’d have to give up before long — the exorbitant lease payments were out of his league on a single income. He didn’t need two cars anyways. He’d have to use Liv’s aging Kia and pray the roof rack fitted.
Jake screwed up his nose. It was impossible to comprehend the reality of life after today, what was meant to be their wedding day. The happiest day of their lives. Everything led up to this moment. And here it was.
Jake leaned and grabbed the bouquet of white blooms and silvery foliage from the passenger seat. He’d felt the need to do something symbolic with these flowers today.
He stepped out of the car. Jesus, it was hot. Beautiful, but hot. Clear skies, aside from some airplane trails overhead. And there was only a very light summer breeze. Like the day of the picnic.
A perfect day for an outdoor wedding.
He stepped through the trailhead into the darkened woodland. It felt cooler again. Jake almost smiled. He must make an incongruous sight, a six-foot-four guy in a Silverfish T-shirt and board shorts, carrying a bridal bouquet through a rough forest trail.
Not that anybody else was here to see him.
He was totally alone.
Here and there, brilliant patches of sun illuminated foliage like spotlights. One such beam settled on the gnarled tree with the X that marked the hidden turnoff to the fence and the quarry, about fifteen minutes from the trailhead.
Taking care not to damage the bouquet, Jake pushed his way through the shrubbery, which had been cut back during the police search for Liv. Still, new branches had sprung across since then.
After a few minutes he came to the wire mesh fence, which was now cut away entirely at this section to aid the search.
There was still yellow police tape across the gap.
He was surprised the landowners hadn’t secured the fence — but then again, they’d always seemed to be absentee owners.
Detective Banks had told Jake that he’d placed an international call to one of the owners to let them know what had happened, and they didn’t seem to care.
Jake slipped under the police tape, emerging into the open air of the old quarry site. He felt a pang at its familiarity. How many times had he and Liv come here? How many happy times had they shared here?
The clifftop was hot and dusty but, as he stepped forward, the water below revealed itself. Turquoise from the quarry sediment, bluer than he’d ever seen it. Deliciously, invitingly cool, and beguiling. A person could lose themselves in that lake.
Jake gazed at it for he didn’t know how long. Water is life. The water below was Liv herself, quenching him, soothing his desperate thirst. He longed to touch it.
But he came here for a reason. To say goodbye.
Goodbye to Liv? . . . No. Never.
Goodbye to his old life? . . . Perhaps. He needed some closure, some significant event to mark the first step in moving on. Whatever that meant.
There was another possibility. Goodbye to his life. How could he think he could live without Liv? What would that even look like?
Feeling his heart beginning to quicken, Jake stepped onto the highest cliff point, the one where he’d last seen Liv. He raised her bridal bouquet to his face, inhaling the sweet scent of the white roses, and laid it carefully on the flat rock. A memorial of sorts.
The lagoon was enticing. It seemed to be beckoning him down into the water.
Jake closed his eyes. As far as he could see, he had three options.
One: To walk down the access road and step into the lake, take a gentle swim, and soothe himself. But that didn’t feel like a big enough event for a day like this.
Two: Take his usual running jump off the cliff to plunge safely into the deep end. That was certainly more exhilarating, more all-embracing than option one. But, after he emerged, nothing would have changed.
Three: Simply let himself fall.
Perhaps that was the only way to be with Liv. Down there, in a place where there was no space or time. He’d been telling himself throughout the past months that he had to stay alive, in case she came back. Now he had to face the possibility that she was never going to.
Maybe this was the only way to be with her forever.
He stepped forward, to where the rock met the gravelly cliff edge, and the scree slipped a little beneath his sneakers. His pulse was racing.
He lifted his gaze to the cerulean sky. The airplane trails had dissipated, leaving nothing but a faint white haze over the blue.
The light was so bright, he was dazzled.
He closed his eyes, and felt the vertigo of uncertainty wash over him.
If he moved his foot, just a little, all his pain would be over.
He could so easily fall before he’d even made the final decision to do so.
But the pain of his family, his loved ones, his friends stopped him. He surely couldn’t do that to them. Could he?
Jake inhaled deeply, the warm air filling his lungs, then let out a primal holler into the void.
Suddenly he stopped. What was that? Overlapping his own yell, another cry, another voice.
A woman.
Calling his name.
Screaming it, from down by the water.
Liv.