October, eight years ago
I kicked through a pile of red leaves littering the path through the quad. My hand in Chris’s felt a little clammy on this warm fall day. Weren’t we past the hand-holding stage, at this point? We’d been dating for a year. Surely there was no need to be so physically . . . clingy, anymore?
“We still good for dinner when my folks visit this weekend?” Chris asked, his tone uncharacteristically tentative. “They can hardly believe we’ve been dating all this time and they still haven’t met you. They’re beginning to think I’m making you up.”
My defensive hackles rose. “And I’m sorry about that, you know I am. But they’re all the way in Nevada, so it’s not like there’s much opportunity to see them.”
Chris sighed. He seemed a little pissed, which was unlike him.
“You had plenty of time in the summer after I got back from Canada. I was with them in Nevada for six weeks. I thought you might be interested in visiting, maybe seeing Vegas for the first time. But for some reason, I couldn’t tear you away from Chicago. ”
He stopped walking and turned to me. “Millie, I’m honestly wondering—?” He paused, his attention caught by someone walking towards us.
Chris lifted his hand in greeting. I followed his glance to where Ben, all six foot three of him, was strolling through the quad with a guitar case.
My mood lifted considerably, and I let go of Chris’s hand.
“Ben! What are you doing here? I thought you and Amber were moving into your new place this weekend.”
Ben stopped, giving each of us a quick side-hug.
“We are. I just swung by to pick up the guitar that one of the theater group sold me.” He grinned at me.
“I can’t believe you and Bonnie are in your senior year now.
Soon I won’t be able to keep hanging out here, like some kind of loser who can’t let go of school. ”
I chuckled. “Like Rob Lowe in St Elmo’s Fire.” We’d watched it together, once, with Bonnie, in an eighties movie marathon night.
Ben laughed, his hazel eyes twinkling. “Exactly. I’ll have to get a real job.”
“Anything happening with that?” Chris asked. “A new play in the works?”
Ben turned to him with a friendly smile.
“Yeah, I’m writing one now — a play with music, hence the need for a new guitar.
Not a musical, though — more like a play that has songs.
Kinda like Once? But Amber and I are renting an apartment in the city as of this weekend, so I’ve taken a stage manager job at a small theater to pay the bills.
Hopefully I can get them to put on one of my plays.
” He shrugged his broad shoulders. “When I’ve paid my dues, of course. ”
“That sounds awesome, man. Good luck with that.” Chris’s gaze was caught by a group of his friends standing in the arched doorway to his dorms. “Hold up, I gotta catch someone to get their Chem notes.” He turned to give me a perfunctory kiss on the temple, out of sheer habit. “Back in a minute.”
Ben set his guitar case on the ground. He looked intently at me, slightly narrowing his eyes, seeming to search for the right words. “You and Chris are still seeing each other, huh? I was wondering if you would be, given the long summer break.”
I frowned. “No reason why not. He’s a great guy. We didn’t break up over summer — it was just that he was away in Canada with friends, then spent the rest of the time in Nevada with his folks.”
Ben nodded, and pressed his lips together.
“I dunno, Mill. I just . . . get the feeling that maybe you’re not as into the relationship as he is.
Bonnie told me you said no when he asked you to join him on vacation, and that you also didn’t go to Nevada to meet his family.
It doesn’t seem like you’re really making any plans with him.
And like you said, he’s a great guy. It would be a shame if it turned out to be . . . one-sided.”
Christ.
How did Ben manage to cut into my emotions like that, every time? He could always pick up on what was really happening, often even better than Bonnie could. Sometimes even better than I could myself.
I jabbed my toe at a large maple leaf that was stuck to the paving, aware that I probably looked like a sulky teenager.
“Whatever, Ben,” I replied, childishly. “I just didn’t feel like going on a road trip with him and his friends, is all.
And Nevada in summer? With my complexion?
I mean.” I forced an unconvincing laugh.
The truth was, I hadn’t wanted to go away with Chris and his best friends Andy and Bella, or visit his family, as doing so would cement the two of us as a real, established couple. And something about that thought always made my stomach knot up.
I’d preferred instead to spend the summer with Bonnie at the Lake Bluff house. And with Ben, even when Amber — who was, let’s face it, kind of annoying — was around.
Ben screwed up his face — his telltale sign of irritation. “Okay, Mill. Whatever you say. I just like the guy, I think he’s cool, and I wouldn’t want you to hurt him.” He looked away, and waved at someone. “Gotta go say hi to a friend. See you later.” He didn’t glance at me again.
As Ben sauntered off, I blew out a long breath.
Ben was right — of course he was. I had known, deep down, that I was lying to myself about my feelings for Chris. But he was such a devoted boyfriend, I hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself.
Still, none of this was fair on Chris. After a year of dating, I simply hadn’t fallen in love with the guy.
I’d have to end it.
Dammit. Another relationship over.