CHAPTER FOUR #2
DogPerson158: Good goal. Luckily, we’re chatting over the bridge of magic we call the Internet, so there’s no chance your hands will get anywhere near me.
I snort a laugh.
Handsyguy37: So that’s what you’re looking for with this app? Just chatting? Never meeting in person?
She takes so long to answer I’m pretty sure I already know the answer.
DogPerson158: I’m looking for fun. Right now, chatting is proving to be fun. Maybe someday meeting in person will be fun. If you’re looking for an immediate hookup or a long-term relationship, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
Handsyguy37: A dog pun. I love it. Do you work with dogs? Or just have pet dogs?
DogPerson158: No personal details. According to the app, you live within twenty-five miles of me, and this town is way too small for personal details to be fun right now.
Maybe I should move on. I need a woman for Sebastian who’s willing to meet up. I can’t spend months pretending to be him until DogPerson is ready to meet. We need Sebastian to chill now.
I move on to another woman and send her a greeting message similar to the one I sent DogPerson158.
She doesn’t respond, but I get a more intriguing response from DogPerson.
DogPerson158: I feel the chill. You’re giving up on me already?
Let me guess, handsy guy, you were looking for an immediate hookup?
No harm, no foul. It was nice chatting with you.
You’re the first guy on this app to do more than send me a dick pic or list his favorite ways to please a woman (spoiler alert: none of it sounded particularly pleasing).
Damn it. Now she’s made me laugh. Just because she’s not interested in a meet-up tonight or even this week, it doesn’t mean she might not change her mind once she gets to know me, I mean Sebastian, better.
Handsyguy37: I’m not looking for an immediate hook-up, but I’m counting on this leading to an in-person meet-up eventually. Kind of the point of this app.
DogPerson158: My life is complicated and busy at the moment. I can’t make any promises. I have other priorities that come first. Like I said, if meeting up seems fun at some point, I’ll be all in.
This could actually be perfect. Sebastian needs someone with her own life and her own priorities. He needs someone who’ll let him put the business first.
My phone pings as a message comes in from Holly.
HollyBerry101: Hey, hottie. I love a handsy guy. Want to meet up?
It makes absolutely no sense that I’d rather keep talking to DogPerson158 than meet up with HollyBerry101, who’s obviously looking for a quick and easy hook-up.
Except this is all for Sebastian. Not me.
Sebastian’s not a one-night stand kind of guy.
He doesn’t get serious, but he only sleeps with one woman at a time, and he takes her out for at least a few dates before he sleeps with her.
As far as I know. I don’t claim to know all of my brother’s secrets, but he’s not one to open himself up emotionally or physically too easily.
Handsyguy37: Hi, Holly. Thanks for getting back to me. I’m looking for more than a quick hookup.
HollyBerry101: You should change your username, asshole.
Wow. I wasn’t expecting that, but she might have a point. Maybe I should scrap this idea and start over with a different app.
DogPerson158: If you were trapped on an island with only your best friend and a family member you love and you had no food, who would you eat first?
I’m so shocked by the random message, I let out a loud guffaw of a laugh. These are the sorts of shit questions my brothers and I amuse ourselves with on a job site.
DogPerson158 is perfect.
For Sebastian.
Handsyguy37: My family members are my best friends, so I’d have to starve to death.
DogPerson158: That seems like an excuse not to answer the question.
Handsyguy37: Not an excuse. My brothers are my best friends in the world. They drive me crazy ninety-nine percent of the time, but they’re still my favorite people.
DogPerson158: That’s amazingly sweet. Unless you’re in some sort of family-run commune. Have you ever met any people outside of your family? Is the Internet your only way to communicate with the world?
I laugh again. She’s funny. And it’s hard to be funny without being face-to-face.
I consider what her face might look like.
Would her eyes sparkle when she gave me shit?
Would she smirk? Or would she keep a straight face?
Would I have a hard time telling when she was teasing me versus when she was being her blunt self?
Handsyguy37: We don’t call it a commune. We call it a connection because we are all spiritually connected. We are all one. We are all family. You should join. It’s totally fun.
DogPerson158: You made me drop my phone. Please tell me you’re fucking with me.
Handsyguy37: I’m totally fucking with you. How about you? Close to your family?
DogPerson158: Without revealing any personal details, let’s just say, I’m close to my family, but I also have a best friend who’s not family. So, I’m not as close to mine as you are to yours.
Handsyguy37: What are we going to talk about if we can’t share personal details? Our favorite sexual positions?
DogPerson158: Nothing tonight. I’m going to bed.
Handsyguy37: Talk tomorrow?
DogPerson158: I commit to nothing. We’ll talk when we talk.
I wait a few seconds for her to send another message and, when she doesn’t, I contact the next person on my list. She responds almost immediately.
SaraFine16: Hi.
Handsyguy37: Thanks for getting back to me. How do you feel about handsome, bearded guys?
SaraFine16: It’s fine.
What’s fine? The beard? I have no idea what to say to this woman. But would Sebastian like a woman who doesn’t have a lot to say? He tells me all the time that I talk too much.
Handsyguy37: Great! What do you like to do for fun?
SaraFine16: All kinds of things. How about you?
Wow. Okay.
Handsyguy37: I work a lot, but I also really enjoy being outdoors. Rock climbing, skiing, running. I’m a gym rat too. I love lifting heavy. Any of that appeal to you?
SaraFine16: Not really.
And I’m calling it.
Handsyguy37: Guess we aren’t a great fit. It was nice talking to you.
SaraFine16: Okay. Bye.
The shivering is getting so bad my teeth are chattering, but it’s still too early for me to go to bed. If we had a dog, I’d take him for a walk. Instead, I take myself for a walk. Levi’s house is in a neighborhood with actual sidewalks, and it’s not too far from town.
I head out with no destination in mind, but end up at one of the local bars. I don’t know anyone there, but I make friends the way most people breathe.
I end up staying out far later than I should.