33. thirty three
thirty three
LYSANDRA
I’d always assumed that the day I had a man sleep in the same bed as me would be the worst night of my life.
But Ezra proved me wrong, once again. He’d never embraced me so tightly.
As though, he would lose me if he let go.
I didn’t know how to explain it but there had been some sort of telepathic connection between both of us.
Neither words nor actions were needed. All that was required was a simple gesture. A hug. An embrace. Solace. Consolation for the lost years between us.
I awoke and noticed that he was gone. His figure had still been engraved on his side of the mattress.
I extended my hand over to where his body had once been; it was warm but starting to grow cold.
Pushing out of the sheets, I decided to make my way to the other sections of his apartment.
Perhaps I would find him. Maybe we’d share a good morning like we’d shared a good evening.
He was pouring coffee into a black mug. His piercing ocean eyes met mine. “Good morning. I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“No, I didn’t notice you’d left this morning,” I said with sorrow.
“You say that like it was a bad thing I left the bedroom this morning,” he joked.
Ezra knew me too well, and part of me adored that about us, but also hated that I’d been so transparent for him. Not a single thought passed through my mind without him know about it.
As he poured frothed milk into the large mug, a tulip’s image appeared above as he swirled his wrist. It seemed as though he practiced making the latte art.
Tulips were my favorite designs for my lattes. I wondered whether he knew that about me. It was one of my newly developed quirks about my coffee. Was this a detail that he noticed during the long nights that we worked together on the film?
I shook my head. I couldn’t be that delusional.
There was nothing I could do at that moment to hide my despair but scowl and roll my eyes. “Shut up.”
He grinned. “I made you breakfast. It was going to be breakfast in bed, but you’re here now. I hope that’s okay.”
Always so thoughtful, so giving. I smiled. “Thank you. What did you make?”
Ezra turned, then set a navy-blue plate before me. Pancakes were perfectly stacked on one another, a mixture of blueberries and strawberries beside them, and a cooked egg on the side. I beamed.
The perfect breakfast with the most beautiful man I’d ever known.
This was the ideal life that I’d always dreamed of. A good breakfast with a man that I love.
Love? Did I really just think that?
Did I love Ezra?
I loved Ezra…
I was in love with Ezra.
There. I admitted it. I loved Ezra, I was in love with him, and I never stopped. I had loved him at seventeen, and I yearned for him even more at twenty-two.
But what was I to do with this? Should I have told him? No, I couldn’t tell him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, snapping me out of the whirlwind in my mind.
“Nothing,” I began. “Why do you ask?”
“The expression on your face says otherwise,” Ezra observed.
I shook my head. I was not about to ruin what we had going on here. He sat in the seat beside me, taking my hands in his. They’d been warm and soft, but also rough and strong. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him. His face. The face that had haunted me for so long.
At night, before closing my eyes, I’d imagine a million different ways that we would reunite.
In different scenarios, I would slap him for not fighting for me.
In some of them, I would see him and run into his embrace.
In others, I would kiss him as if he were the last breath I would be inhaling.
There was a part of me that wished to do all three.
Preferably the last two. The first one was only because I missed him so much.
“Look, I know it’s been a little weird between us because of everything.
I know I made a mistake in the past. But I’ve changed, I can promise you that.
And I know my words won’t ever be enough for you to trust me again, so let me prove that to you with my actions.
I didn’t ask you to stay the night because I pitied you, but because I wanted to have a chance to show you that I’m not the same person that I used to be. ”
My heart clenched at his heartache, which showed through the tears in his eyes. “Ezra, you don’t have to—”
Ezra’s grasp tightened around my fingers, gently.
“Yes, I do, Lysandra. I’m sorry. I know that I have an infinite amount of sins, yet my greatest regret has always been breaking your heart.”
The flashes of that day came back to me. My anger when I found out, the ringing in my ears when I’d pushed him, the remorse over his expression. Sometimes I wished I hadn’t transferred to Lachlan. Perhaps my life would’ve been different. Perhaps I could’ve found it in myself to forgive him.
The course of my life had been much better since I moved to Scotland, but there had always been a missing piece. Now I realized that the last piece of the puzzle had been Ezra.
Nonetheless, I couldn’t find the courage to tell him. How pathetic of me to be hung up on a boy I met when I was only a teenager.
“It’s okay. I forgive you,” I said.
“Really?” he asked. I noticed the tension leaving his shoulders and the joy entering his blue gaze.
“But it’s going to take some time for me to be able to trust you again,” I admitted.
His joy seemed to dim. I didn’t want to be the reason the smile on his face fell, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him.
He sighed. “I understand. And you should take all the time you need.”
“Thank you.”
He squeezed my hand.
“Also, I haven’t been able to find anyone else to have conversations about the human soul quite like you.”
“So, that’s the only reason why you’re forgiving me?” he questioned, squinting at me.
“Of course, why else would I have any use for you?” I answered.
We grinned on cue.
“Now, let’s stop with the waterworks and enjoy our breakfast, shall we?” I asked. I should have become an actress giving how great I was at pushing my emotions aside.
He cleared his throat, headed back to the other side of the counter, and asked, “So, what happened with your ex-fiancé?”
I snapped my gaze back toward him. “I mentioned that to you?”
He chuckled. “You don’t remember?”
“I don’t.” I tried to calm my pulsing heart. “I remember asking you to stay.”
“You mentioned that he’s not part of your life anymore.”
I gulped as I pushed my shoulders up. “Yeah, I found out that he’s a cheater.”
Ezra’s eyes bulged out. “What?”
“I found him in bed with a hooker,” I replied, grabbing a blueberry and popping it into my mouth.
Never would I have thought I’d be so indifferent about a cheater. Especially after what my mom went through with my father.
“Lysandra—” he began. “That’s serious.”
“I know.”
“Have you been to the doctor’s?” he said. I furrowed my brows. Why would I need to go to the doctor? “You know… to get checked out?”
Oh.
“There’s no need for that. I didn’t—we never did that.”
Ezra let out a sigh of relief, his shoulders losing every bit of tension.
“Well, that’s good.”
I almost smiled. Instead, I grabbed another blueberry to avoid showing my happiness that he cared.
“I mean—it’s a good thing you’re not at risk of anything. I didn’t mean it in any other way. Or that it’s a good thing he cheated on you.”
I giggled, I hadn’t heard myself do that in so long. “I know what you meant.”
He rolled his eyes as I laughed at his expense. “And how are you doing since the breakup?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m fine.”
“Really?” He glared at me like he didn’t believe me. “You haven’t even shed one single tear?”
“Nope.”
“Bull.”
“I just didn’t think he was worth my tears.”
That, and I had realized that I never truly loved him. My heart had always belonged to Ezra. His eyes frantically searched for a sliver of emotion in my expression. But for Aldair, I wouldn’t hold anything in my soul.
“What is the point in suffering for someone who doesn’t deserve those feelings?”
“Are you saying that you’ll only allow yourself to feel for someone that you believe is worthy?”
“Yes, exactly,” I replied with a small curve in my lips.
Ezra stared at me. As though he had questions and I was the only one who could answer them.
I hated it when he looked at me like that.
It made me believe that there was still a piece of the old love that we shared.
But… just because I knew that I loved him didn’t automatically mean that there was hope for us.
“Now, one thing I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you for is not telling me that you have a sister. What is wrong with you? How can you keep something like that from me? And also, how come your parents never mentioned her either?” My questions ran out of me.
He chuckled. “We stopped talking about my sister the moment she went to boarding school. She used to be very…”
“Let me guess—she didn’t uphold the standards that the Van Dorren name requires?” I said in a monotonous tone.
He pursed his lips as he tilted his chin in agreement. “Those were my mother and father’s exact words.”
To me, that was horrid. The girl basically grew up isolated from her family because her parents believed her to be too much for them to handle.
“I don’t really like talking about her.”
“Why not?” I asked. Was I pushing my boundaries here? Hopefully not. We did sleep in the same bed last night, and for reasons I couldn’t explain, I felt the threads of my heart binding themselves to him even more.
“She’s hurt me a lot. It’s like I don’t even exist to her. So I try to forget that she does too. Not because I hold any resentment against her, but it helps me feel better about myself.”
My chest contracted. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. What’s your day looking like today?” he asked as I sipped from the orange juice near my plate. I noticed the sudden change of conversation; which meant he truly didn’t want to talk about her.
“I have to get home and call the repair guys. I wouldn’t want to bother you another night.”
“Don’t worry. You’re always welcome here.” He lowered his gaze to my lips.
“Yeah, Cami also said she had to debrief me on that three-day weekend she took with Zack.”
Ezra sighed, closing his eyes. “What did Zack do this time?”
“Something about them dealing with something. Turns out your friend was just leading her on the entire time.” I said while shaking my head. “She’s my best friend, but I have to say that her taste in men isn’t the best.”
But neither was mine, was it?
“I’m sorry for whatever Zack has done to your friend.”
“It’s fine. I’ll take care of it once I get home.”
“You two are really close,” he noted.
“Yeah. I’m super grateful for her. She’s been with me every step of the way. I feel like I owe her my life at this point.” I chuckled.
“I’m also thankful for her.”
My brows furrowed. “Why is that?”
“Because now I know that you weren’t alone. You had someone beside you all this time. Although I wish it had been me.”
I sighed. “That’s just the way life is sometimes.”
He lowered his stare to the plate beside him.
Then he looked back at me. Words seemed to be at the tip of his tongue and I watched him struggle to pronounce them, until he sighed.
“I have to get to work, unfortunately. There’s a new project coming up, and we have to go over the terms and conditions. It’s a lot of paperwork.”
“Don’t worry. Will I see you later today on set?” I asked. Ugh, I hated myself for even asking.
“Yes. I’ll be there at noon. I left your dry clothes in your room, and Alfred will arrive any minute with new attire for today.”
He was too kind to me.
“Thank you.” My heart fluttered.
“I’ll get dressed and head out.”
He stuttered. Then he strode into the corridor.
I remained seated by the kitchen island, enjoying the breakfast he’d prepared for me.
Ezra rushed out of his room, fixing his tie, grabbing his keys, and sauntering toward me. “I’ll see you later,” he said, followed by a kiss on my forehead.
The food in my mouth almost made me choke as I realized he’d just left a kiss on my forehead. He was already out the door when I processed what had happened. Could it be? Could he feel the same about me?
No. I’d been nothing but indifferent. I had made myself out to be the worst version of myself. Could there be hope? No. I shouldn’t have any hope. Nothing good ever came from holding onto hope.