17. Mason
MASON
“Come on, Zoe. Dig deep and show me that explosive power,” I called out across the arena, where my little sister flagged at center ice.
She picked up her pace, stopped with a slide and spray of ice in front of me, and rested her head on her hands on top of her stick. The perfect pose of fed-up middle schooler. “I’m tired.”
“Push through the tired and it’ll make you stronger. How’s your breathing?”
“Fine. It’s stupid to keep practicing. Dyadya’s not going to watch me play.” She skated to the bench and plopped down, chucked off one glove and then the other.
“It means you’ve got even more time to practice while he’s away.
Show him how much faster you are than the last time he saw you.
” My father had been gone since the Verona game and wouldn’t be back until Thanksgiving.
Before, having him disappear for a month and ignore me to coach Bair might’ve felt like a punishment.
Now, it was a window of time where the weight of his expectation had been lifted.
But I also had a more important goal. Lilah. My gameplay was second nature, as easy as breathing, even with the hand injury. With Lilah, a bone-deep drive to fix what I’d broken pushed me harder. I had to make her see what she’d seen in me before. I could be him again.
“Maybe I should switch to ballet all the time.” She stared at the stick and spun it between her palms.
“But you love hockey.”
“I know.”
“Did Alena say you should drop hockey?”
She shook her head in a short, fast burst and looked at me with confusion. “No. She doesn’t like how stinky my gear is in the car, but she never said I should quit hockey.”
A little relief.
“Do you think Dyadya will come to my ballet recital at the end of the year? They have a daddy-daughter dance. And I know he’s not my… Or maybe, since he’s so busy, he’ll come to my last game of the season?”
I couldn’t promise her he’d be at either. Not when I didn’t know for sure she wouldn’t be let down. “I’m sure he’ll try his best to be at both.”
Zoe made a sound of uncertainty.
“If you give me ten more crossovers in five minutes, I’ll buy you a peanut butter fudge sundae on the way home.”
She popped up from the bench and grabbed her gloves. “Don’t start the timer until I’m on the ice.” Her small silhouette blazed out of the box.
She got them done in four minutes.
From the back seat, with her face covered in chocolate and peanut butter, Zoe chatted about a life I never could’ve imagined for her when she’d been born. Her team, school and ballet. Things any other kid might talk about.
The sadness of leaving her behind to go to college and not getting to see her almost every day was there, but it was nothing like the fear I used to have whenever she wasn’t in my sightline before we’d moved in with Alena and my father.
Here she’d be safe, taken care of, never deal with half of the shit I’d had to protect her from or handle by myself. She had a family to look after her with more money for whatever she wanted than most could dream of. And once I went pro, I’d never have to worry about her going without again.
Hockey had always fixed everything. Maybe that was why I struggled to make this right with Lilah. I’d fucked up and everything I’d done so far hadn’t fixed it.
She needed to see my remorse. I needed to feel it more than embarrassing myself in the dining hall.
As we pulled into the driveway, the Westwood Wellness Center phone number showed up on the dashboard display.
Zoe jumped through the seats and pressed the green circle before I could decline the call.
“Hi, Mama Kristen!”
“Zoe?”
Fuck! I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Hi, Mom.”
“Oh, my babies. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to talk to both of you.”
“How are you, Mama Kristen? Are you still sick?”
“No, I’m all better now. Better than better. They might even let me out early.”
“Mom, you still have six months left.” I needed to set those hardline expectations for her and Zoe.
“But I’m doing so well because all I can think about is having you come to live with me when I’m finally in my new apartment.”
“Mom, stop,” I bit out, trying to keep the anger spike out of my voice in front of Zoe.
“But I live with Mama Lena and Dyadya.” Zoe looked to me with shock and uncertainty.
Mom pushed ahead. “I know, but they’re only looking after you for me. Once I’m better—”
“Mom, stop talking now. Zoe’s staying with Alena and Dad.” I let the harshness spill out, needing her to stop upsetting Zoe. The fuck she would ever get custody of Zoe again, if I had any say in it. And now that I was eighteen, I sure as hell did. I’d take Zoe before I let my mom have her again.
“But I miss you two so much. I’ll get a nice, new apartment, and Zoe, you can paint your room whatever color you want.”
“Mom—”
Zoe talked over me. “What about my school and my friends and ballet?”
“You’ll make new friends—”
I turned to face Zoe. “None of that is happening, Zoe. You’re going to be here with Alena and Dyadya. Go inside. I’ll be right there.”
“Why don’t you two love me?” Our mom’s tone switched immediately to a grating sob, verging on hysterical, that blared through the speakers.
I cranked down the volume.
“Mama—” Zoe’s eyes filled with a watery sheen.
“Zoe, now. Take your gear inside, so it can be washed. I’ll finish talking to Mom.”
She tore her eyes from the screen and dash, where the call still ticked away.
“I’ll talk to her,” I promised.
“But—” Her bottom lip quivered. “Can you tell Mama Kristen I love her?”
A thud hit the center of my chest.
“Of course, I will.” I forced a smile through the tightness in my jaw.
I waited for her door to close before turning the volume back up.
Mom’s sharp sobs blasted in the speakers. “What’s the point of doing all this work if I’ll only be alone when I leave? You’re both so ungrateful. I should—”
“Stop it, Mom! Stop! You don’t get to guilt Zoe like that.” My pulse spiked, rage burning through my head.
“Why not? You two have left me here.” Her well of misery was a bottomless pit.
“You lasted three months last time,” I bit out, jaw clenched.
“That wasn’t my fault,” she said, her voice so small, like she’d folded in on herself.
I scrubbed my hands over my face. “It never is.”
“Why do you say things like that to hurt me? You’re cruel, just like your father.” Her voice illustrated her teary-eyed look as if she were standing in front of me. “All I wanted—”
“I’m not trying to hurt you, Mom. I want you better more than anyone.
I know how hard it was on you to have me and Zoe all by yourself.
” She’d recounted so many times how her whole life had been destroyed by me being born.
I’d ruined everything. “But take this time to focus on yourself. Dad’s paying for everything, and if you’re clean, he’ll pay for your apartment and college. ”
“Where I can be the oldest person in my class. So old now. I had to drop out—”
“When you got pregnant with me. And I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who wants to change that more than me.
But you have a chance. Another one. Dad and Alena have taken us off your hands, so you can focus on you.
Rebuild your life and we’ll be there waiting for you.
But you can’t say things to Zoe about taking her away. ”
“She’s my daughter.” The daughter she’d signed away her rights to. She’d probably downed whatever money my dad had given her within a week.
“Who hasn’t spent more than a night with you since she was three.”
“That’s not my fa—”
“I didn’t say a word about fault, but that’s how it is.
Let her have a chance to know the best version of you.
” The one I never got to see. “Stay clean and do all the things you want to do and she’ll be begging to spend more time with you.
I’ll bring her over once everything’s all set up and you’re out. ”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
“I love you.”
“Love you too, Mom. I’ve got to go.”
I ended the call and rested my head against the steering wheel with my heart pounding like I’d just skated an hour of sprints.
A gentle knock on my window pulled me out of the spiral.
Lilah’s face shone under the driveway lighting, making her glow from behind.
I rolled down the window.
With the side of her bottom lip pinched between her teeth, she shifted from one foot to the other. Her lips tightened, and then she glanced away like she was second-guessing coming up to me at all. But the concern in her eyes was all too real.
“Are you okay?”
She slayed me. Flayed me to the bone with the way she cared at all.
And what had her care and concern gotten her?
The knife’s edge of my attention because I’d been too stupid and jealous and scared to speak to her.
To ask her the question I’d feared hearing the real answer to because our nights had been more than I’d deserved.
And my repayment… I winced at the blade turning on me.
My chest ached as I stared at her and knew I couldn’t touch her.
“All good.” I attempted a smile.
“You sure?” The uncertainty in her eyes, as if she couldn’t pull herself away after everything, cemented in my mind that there was nothing I’d stop at to prove myself to her.
“I’m sure.” This should have been when I got out of my car, got down on my knees and begged for her forgiveness. But I froze because I didn’t want to do anything that might spook her.
She seemed more relaxed being near me with a door between us—same as when I’d taken her bag. If she needed a buffer, I’d give her one. For now.
The gravel crunched under her feet. Did she also feel like we couldn’t leave things as they were? Did she want more too?
“Where are you headed?” I asked.
“Paige is picking me up to study at her house. Chemistry is kicking her butt, so I offered to help.”
“Of course you did.” She was so damn sweet it made my teeth hurt. “Not going to Ryker’s game?”
“You seem to know his schedule better than I do.”
“You don’t go to a lot of his games?”
“No, he made me promise to go to one this year.” She grimaced. “But I’m all done now.”
“You really hate hockey.”
Her gaze flicked to the long drive to the front gate. “Not a fan of seeing people I care about getting pummeled on the ice.”
“That’s only if they’re too slow to get out of the way.” I didn’t fight too hard against my smirk and was rewarded with a smile and headshake from Lilah.
“I try to avoid blood sports whenever possible.”
“Does that mean we won’t be catching you in the octagon anytime soon?”
“Not if I can help it.”
“Must’ve been nice for Ryker to have you supporting him, cheering him, even if it’s only for one game.” The pang resonated deep in my chest that I still didn’t deserve to have her in the stands wearing my jersey.
She snorted. “He’s got a whole student section and booster club to cheer him on.”
“Yeah, but that’s not the same as having the one person there you want to be there.”
A thrum rushed through me. Although it was colder now, her night-time check-in on me shot me straight back to our many nights together.
“I guess.” A dip of her head. Her cracked-to-hell phone screen lit up in her hand. “Paige is here. I should get walking.”
“Give her the code.”
She glanced up at the house. “Are you sure?”
“No point in you walking all the way out there. Or I could drive you to her.” Either way, I got a few more seconds with her.
“No, I—I’ll give her the code, if you’re sure that’s okay.” A quick glance at me, then she texted Paige back.
She tapped her fingers against the car door as if patting the back of my hand with a placating gesture. “I hope whatever upset you gets better.” Paige’s headlights flashed over us too quickly and she gave me a final nod.
Lilah walked to the car.
“Hey, Mason,” Paige called out through the open door.
“Paige.”
Lilah climbed in and closed the door.
“Good luck at tomorrow’s game,” Paige shouted through the open passenger window.
Lilah’s head whipped toward me. Her lips parted and then her chin dipped. “Good luck, Mason.”
“Night, Lilah.”
The home game stands were a mass of Hawthorne Prep colors. Sweat trickled down the back of my neck although I’d only skated onto the ice. I searched the stands, despite knowing she wasn’t there. She might never be there. I didn’t deserve to have her there.
Pain was the only way to get what I wanted, what had become almost as essential as breathing. The idea rammed straight into my mind when the hundreds of expectant faces stared at me through the glass.
Calder, Erik and I took our spots on the center line for the face-off.
The ref dropped the puck, the battle began around me, and I did nothing.
Erik slipped a wing and sailed toward enemy territory, looking up for me. But I wasn’t where I should be.
Hundreds of eyes locked onto me. Every cell in my body screamed at me to move. My fist tightened around the stick so hard it bit into me through the glove.
“What the hell are you doing?” Calder shouted from across the ice.
I locked every muscle and fought against the instincts honed over the past decade on the ice. I deserved to get my shit rocked.
It must’ve been the collective confusion on what the hell was happening to me that let them get the puck past Galen.
The ref blew his whistle on a play happening behind me.
Coach bellowed my name so loudly it rang in my ears. When I got to him, he grabbed my face mask. “What the hell is wrong with you? Get your ass in here.”
The second lineman jumped over the wall onto the ice.
Every eye was on me, questioning why I was acting like I’d never skated before. They didn’t know how much more I still had to pay. I’d do a thousand bare-knuckle crossovers if that was the penance for what I just did, and I’d do another thousand for a gentle smile from Lilah.