Chapter 19 #2
“I think so. When I told her it was happening to me, she said something about him getting rough with her in the bedroom. I didn’t want to know any more, so I didn’t ask.”
“Wait — you told your mom what your dad was doing to you?”
“Yeah. I told her a few weeks ago.”
“Then why isn’t she here? Why isn’t she getting you out of that house?”
Briggs shrugs. “She said I just need to deal with it.”
So both his parents are crazy. I’m starting to understand why Briggs is so mean to people.
He didn’t grow up with an example of how to be kind or loving.
His parents use threats and apathy to keep Briggs in line.
His father threatens him, and his mother dismisses him, tactics Briggs now uses to deal with people at school.
He threatens people so they’re afraid of him, or ignores them so they’re begging for his attention.
It’s all making sense now. It’s not that Briggs wants to act this way. It’s just all he knows.
“Anyway,” Briggs says, “about a week after my mom left, my dad came home drunk and started knocking me around. At first it was just a few slaps to my face, but then it got worse. He started punching me, throwing me against the wall.” He shakes his head.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
You saw what he did. And now you think I’m . . .” He looks down.
“What?”
“Weak,” he mutters.
“Are you kidding?” I clutch his arm. “Briggs, look at me.”
He slowly looks up.
“You’re one of the strongest people I know. I don’t know how you’ve been going through all this and still been able to get good grades and win rugby games.”
“I played like shit last night,” he mutters.
“You shouldn’t have even played. You’re hurt.” I lift up his shirt and cringe when I see the bruise on his stomach. It looks even worse than it did last week. I drop his shirt and hug him. “I’m so sorry, Briggs. I’m sorry you have to go through this.”
“I don’t want your pity. That’s not why I’m telling you this.”
“I know that.” I pull back and look at him. “I just need you to understand that I don’t think you’re weak. I’ve never once thought that.”
“I didn’t fight back.”
“How could you? You live in his house. If you fought back, he’d kick you out, and then what? You drop out of school?”
“It’d be better than living with him.” He looks down. “I hate myself for not fighting back.”
“Briggs.” I grip his hand. “This isn’t a fight you’re having with some guy at school.
This is your father, the man who’s supposed to take care of you and protect you, but instead he’s manipulating and controlling you, telling you that you deserve what he’s doing to you.
It’s not easy to fight back when he’s doing that to you. ”
“It’s not just that. There’s another reason I haven’t fought back.”
“What is it?”
“It sounds stupid now. I don’t even want to say it.”
“I asked for the truth, so tell me.”
“The car.” He looks at me. “My father promised me the car if I’m valedictorian, but he won’t follow through if I beat the shit out of him.”
“Wait — I thought the valedictorian thing was about your dad.”
“It was, and it is, but it’s also about the car. If he puts it in my name, like he promised, I can sell it. It’s worth almost three hundred grand.”
“So this is about money?”
“It’s about my freedom. If I get that money, I can get the hell out of that house, for good, and never go back. I’ll be able to pay for college, living expenses, a cheaper car. At least that was the plan, until the accident. Now we’ll probably all be in jail so it won’t matter.”
All this time, I thought Briggs was just some rich asshole who was obsessed with his precious car.
He was always parking it in two spots so nobody would ding it, and he kept it spotless, both inside and out.
But it turns out he didn’t even care about the car.
He was doing all that to keep up the value, so he could make more when he sold it.
“Couldn’t you just get a job?” I say. “I know it’d be a lot harder to make it on your own without any money, but it’s not like it isn’t possible. You can still get your freedom, even if you don’t get the car.”
“I know that now, but I wasn’t even thinking about that a few weeks ago.
My entire life I’ve had money. I couldn’t imagine having nothing and trying to make it on my own.
But being around you, I’ve realized I could do it.
I could live with less and make it on my own without my father’s money.
I’ll just have to put off college, or maybe I won’t even go. I’ll probably be in jail.”
“I’m trying not to think about that,” I mutter.
We sit in silence for a moment, listening to the clock on the wall tick.
“Anything else you want to know?” Briggs asks.
“I don’t think so.”
“What about the other thing?” Briggs says.
“I didn’t think you’d tell me.”
“It was part of the deal.”
“It’s fine. You don’t have to tell me.”
“You don’t want to know?”
I feel him looking at me, but I keep my eyes facing forward. “Why you said you loved me? No.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you telling me and then going back to hating me tomorrow. I can’t do that, Briggs. You don’t get to mess with my heart like that.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I never wanted to hurt you, Ella. I thought treating you like that would keep you away from me, which would protect you from my father.”
“But it didn’t work.”
“No.”
The room gets silent again.
Briggs turns to me. “I love that you’re strong.
I love that you fight back. I love that you stand up to me.
I love that you don’t give a shit what people think of you at school.
I love that you wear whatever you want, even when the other girls make fun of you.
I love that you see the good in people, even in people who hurt you.
I love that I can talk to you about shit that matters, and that you actually listen.
I love that you understand me, and that you understand why it’s hard for me to stand up to my father.
I love that you forgive me for all the shit I’ve done to you.
I could go on, but I think you get the point. ”
I turn to face him. “Briggs, you don’t love me.”
“I just listed off a million reasons why I do. Okay, maybe more like ten, but still, why isn’t that enough?”
“Because they’re just words, and words don’t mean anything. You’ve said all the right words before, only to turn on me the next day. How do I know this time will be any different?”
“You don’t.” He takes my hand. “You just have to trust that what I’m telling you is true.”
“I’m not sure that I can. I still don’t know which Briggs is real — the one I see at school or the one who’s here right now.”
“Honestly, I think I’m a little of both.
I just don’t want people seeing this side of me, especially people at school.
” He pauses. “I’m not going to keep fighting you for valedictorian.
I can’t control what my father does, but I can control what I do, and I’m going to do what’s right.
The valedictorian title is yours. You earned it.
You deserve it.” He looks into my eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Ella.
If you decide you never want to talk to me again, I understand.
” He leans over and kisses me, a short kiss, but it’s enough to send tingles through my body. He stands up. “Bye, Ella.”
I watch him leave, then hear his car pulling out of the driveway.
I want to believe that Briggs loves me, but he’s lied to me so many times that I don’t know if what he said is really true.
Maybe I should let him be valedictorian. If I did, maybe his father would leave me alone, and maybe he’d stop hurting Briggs. That alone is a reason to do this.