Chapter xxx
xxx
WEEKS WITH THE KIDS ALWAYS FEEL FASTER THAN the ones without them.
That Friday, while the kids were in school and still staying at my place, I saw Darren’s name pop up on my caller ID. Worried that something had happened and the school had called him before me, I picked up quickly.
“Hey,” I said. “Is everything okay?”
“I didn’t want to wait until Tuesday,” he said. “To tell you that my answer is absolutely not. I don’t want to tell Sam. Now or ever. If something medical forces our hand in the future, so be it, but I’m his father and that’s all he has to know. And if you tell him anything without me, I’m going to our lawyer to fight for sole custody.”
I was in my home office and got up to shut the door, my phone against my cheek, even though there wasn’t a chance anyone was there to hear. I was so angry I could barely contain myself.
“Darren,” I said. “You would never win that fight. We’d be in court for years and you’d bleed us all dry, emotionally and financially. Are you insane? You are his father. You will always be his father. It would be the same if we’d used a sperm donor to conceive, or we’d adopted Sammy. You’d still be his dad. But he should know his whole story. It’s only fair.”
“Not to me,” Darren said. “The last thing I need is him turning into you, comparing me to Gabriel Samson for the rest of my life. And how will it look to all our friends when they find out you cheated on me? When they realize I’ve been raising the child of that affair?”
I could feel a headache coming on and massaged my temple. My computer pinged, telling me I had a meeting in fifteen minutes. “Darren, I can’t have this conversation right now. I’m working. That’s why we’d agreed on a time to talk. And as far as what our friends think: First of all, they might not even find out. And if they do, they’ll probably think you’re an amazing guy for raising Samuel as your own, and I’ll be the awful wife who cheated. You’ll be the hero, and I’ll be the one with a scarlet letter painted on my chest.”
“As you should be,” Darren said.
I felt a charge of rage surge through my body. He’s rarely cruel, but once in a while, he’ll say something that cuts so deep I don’t know what else to call it.
“Darren, you’re a fucking asshole. I’ve got to go. We can talk more about this on Tuesday night.”
The line was silent for a moment.
“I said no,” he said.
“And I said yes,” I replied. “You don’t have veto power. I’m willing to keep talking until we come to a conclusion we can both live with. But don’t you ever threaten to fight for sole custody again or I will go nuclear on you.”
“Go,” he said. “If you have something new to tell me on Tuesday, call. Otherwise, my refusal still stands.”
I didn’t even bother saying goodbye. How could he make that kind of threat? How could he be so cruel? There were many moments with Darren that made me remember why I married him, but this one made me remember why I divorced him.
I navigated to the Teams chat with my assistant. Versha , I typed, I need to take a walk. I’ll be back for the meeting.
I headed out into the early March chill. It was Sammy’s birthday month. Mine, too. Sammy had told me he wanted to celebrate his birthday by doing a scavenger hunt at the Met he’d learned about from Abe. Would Darren and I be speaking by March 15? Were we speaking now?
I looked at my phone, wanting to call someone, but the problem with secrets is that when you keep them well, you box yourself into a corner when you really need someone to talk to. Kate was arguing a case in court this week. Eva turned her phone off when she worked in the studio. Dax’s name flashed in my mind. I could call Dax. But that wouldn’t be fair to him. As amazing as our connection had been, I wasn’t sure I was ready for things to get serious, and calling him when I was in crisis would send a different message.
I put my phone in my coat pocket and concentrated on breathing in the winter air, the feel of the cold clearing my airways, the steady rhythm of my feet on the pavement clearing my mind. If I could refocus, I’d know what I had to say in this meeting.
But what could I say to Darren that would change his mind? And what would I do if he didn’t?