Chapter xlix
xlix
I USED TO MAKE MY BIRTHDAY A BIG DEAL, BACK IN my twenties and thirties. It was a chance to do something special, invite people out or to my place. Darren had made an even bigger deal of my birthday than I did, with trips and extravagant gifts. My fortieth birthday happened a week after the COVID pandemic hit, which meant the dinner I’d planned got canceled, and I celebrated on Zoom with Kate and Julia, my parents and Jay, and friends from work all toasting me from their living rooms. The pandemic made the next couple of birthdays tricky, too, and I decided that maybe it was better that way—less pressure, lower expectations. So I hadn’t planned anything at all for this birthday. I’d figured, when I first thought about it back in February, that I might do something with Darren and Courtney and all the kids, since my birthday fell on one of their weeks. But Darren hadn’t really been speaking to me the week leading up to my birthday, so I knew that wouldn’t happen.
Instead, I left work a little early and treated myself to a pedicure, and then ordered some tacos and a margarita to go from Rosa Mexicano. I was replying to Kate’s and Julia’s happy birthday memes when Courtney texted to ask if I was home yet. I told her I would be in about forty-five minutes, and she said she’d call with the kids then. I noted that it was Courtney, not Darren, who had sent that message. At least it sounded like the kids were still talking to me. I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in the audiobook I was listening to on the subway ride home. I don’t think you and I ever talked about audiobooks, but I’m so into them now that Julia calls me the audiobook proselytizer. They bring me back to the days of having parents and teachers read books to you, where all you have to focus on is the lilt of someone’s voice and the story they’re telling you.
When I got home, I was still listening to Gabrielle de Cuir’s wonderful narration, so I didn’t notice at first that the kids and Courtney were standing inside my living room. There was a chocolate cake on the dining table and a banner hanging across the living room wall that said Happy Birthday!
I can’t tell you how hard I cried when I saw them all there.
Sammy saw me crying, and he ran over and put his arms around me. “Did we scare you?” he said. “It’s just us. Don’t worry, Mom.”
At that, I wiped my eyes. “You didn’t scare me, sweet boy,” I said. “These are happy tears. I’m really glad to see you. Thank you for coming over to wish me a happy birthday.”
Liam and Violet both hugged me, too, and wished me a happy birthday, but there was something slightly forced about it. They were there, though, which I really appreciated.
After we all finished eating cake, Courtney helped me clear the table. “I’m sorry it’s me here,” she said.
I turned to look at her after I put the plates in the sink. “I’m not,” I said. “With the way he’s feeling about me right now, I’d rather spend my birthday with you.”
She squeezed my shoulder.
“How are things between the two of you?” I asked her.
“We’re working on it,” she said.
I nodded. “I truly am sorry that this secret hurt you, too.”
“I appreciate that,” Courtney said, “but it’s not your fault.”
“And I appreciate you saying that ,” I answered, starting to fill the dishwasher.
“I said it because it’s true,” she said. “This has really been like a crack in a dam, though. It’s brought up a lot for both of us. I hope we’ll be stronger for it.”
“I hope that for you, too,” I said. My love for Gabe had already hurt Darren so deeply. I sent a prayer up to the universe to please not let his marriage, his wife, be part of the collateral damage.
Courtney looked at her watch. “We should head back. I hope you have a nice rest of your birthday, and that this coming year is a great one for you.”
I gave her a hug and wondered if maybe, after all these years, this was what it might take for us to become actual friends.
She rounded the kids up and they went back to her place. I sat down in the quiet kitchen with my margarita and tacos.
A WhatsApp message came through. And I felt a small thrill at the sound of it. Dax , my heart said.
I opened the message and it said: A little birdie told me today was your birthday. Wanted to wish you a happy day and a happy year ahead.
I looked at the message.
A birdie? I asked.
Okay, fine, I’ll embarrass myself: I Googled you after we first met. I found your Wikipedia page, and it had your birthday on it.
I laughed out loud, remembering how I’d once Googled you, Gabe, and been so jealous of your Wikipedia page.
Well, thank you , I texted back.
It’s been a long day and I’m exhausted , he wrote, so I’m going to bed, but wanted to make sure I got you before I
passed out.
Sleep well , I wrote back.
You too , he said.
I finished my tacos and my margarita, ate another small sliver of cake, and then went upstairs. As I got into bed, I thought about my birthday more than two decades ago, when I saw you at Faces & Names, when I was there with Julia and Alexis and Kate and you sent us a round of drinks. It’s so incredible to me how much has happened between then and now. It makes me wonder what’s in store for the next two decades. You never know what the universe has planned.