Chapter lx
lx
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SIX YEARS, I CALLED UPSTAIRS and canceled on Eva fifteen minutes before we were supposed to meet. I told her I had just ended things with my “gentleman” and didn’t think I’d make it out of bed.
“Oh, my darling,” Eva said. “I’ll be right down.”
I tried to protest, but Eva would have none of it. Using the key she had to my part of the house, she let herself in. I heard her slow footsteps on the stairs, and then she was in my bedroom.
She sat down on the edge of my bed and held her arms out. “Come here, darling.”
In Eva’s arms, I let myself sob while she patted my back and I choked out the story. “There, there,” she murmured.
“I was greedy,” I said to Eva between sobs. “I thought I could have a third love in my life. Some people don’t even get one. What made me think I could have three?”
“You were not greedy,” she said, stroking my hair. “Everyone deserves love, no matter how many times you’ve loved before. You remember that. You deserve love. You deserve to be loved. And not just by me.”
I looked up at her through my tears. “I love you too, Eva,” I said, my breath shuddering. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life.”
She waved her hand as if shooing away words that embarrassed her.
“Listen, my darling,” she said. “You shout. You cry. You scream at the universe. You do whatever you need to do. And then you keep going, do you hear me?”
I nodded.
“I cry, and I keep going,” I repeated, almost an affirmation.
“Good,” she said, standing up from my bed. “And call me if you need me. I’m just upstairs.”
“Thank you,” I said, my voice a little steadier.
AND I LISTENED. FOR THE NEXT WEEK I FOCUSED ON the “keep going” part of Eva’s affirmation. I went to work, I came back home, and I tried not to feel the emptiness of my house. I called Kate, Julia, Jay, my parents. I read books and watched movies. And I looked forward to Saturday when the kids would come back and my life would feel full once more. I knew it would be a time for healing for all of us.