Chapter 20 #3
“No, it wasn’t. And I’m sorry. But I’m also not sorry, because he needed to know! It’s his history, too.”
“It’s mine. My story. My choice. You go on about how people should have autonomy and how no one else can tell you how to live your life and then you go and decide the direction mine should take. Hypocrite!” he hissed.
This was completely new.
Moore was pissed at her. Really pissed. Not like that time when they were ten and eight and she broke his new robot toy by accident.
Or the time she refused to let him win at Monopoly and played until he cried when they were eleven and nine.
Or even the time when he ate a worm on a dare when they were thirteen and eleven and she didn’t give him the promised chocolate bar from Love You Chocolates.
Oh, no.
This was earth shattering.
Soul destroying.
Relationship ending.
Dull with fear, her tongue wouldn’t move. All she could do was stare.
“Now Jordy knows. And he’s going to ask Cammie.” He snorted and began to pace like a caged, angry animal. “Not ask. Confront. And knowing how he is with me, it’ll get ugly, fast. Kid’s got one hell of a mouth on him.”
Moore said it with pride.
Colleen kept hers shut.
“And Cammie will just lie to him. He’ll believe her. And then it’ll all be worse.”
“No.”
Jerking up, his eyes met hers.
“What?”
“No. She can lie, but he won’t believe her.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I told him all about your court cases. And he went to your dad, who confirmed. Showed him some of the files.”
“You got my father involved in this?”
“Jordy did. He went to Leander and asked. Texted him, and Leander texted back photos.”
“This all just happened? Just now? You’ve only been outside for ten minutes!”
“It’s been a whirlwind, for sure,” she tried to joke, but Moore was having none of it.
“Because of you.”
“I started the ball rolling. Jordy asked the right questions to keep it going. “
“My dad didn’t say anything to me.”
“Jordy asked him not to? I don’t know. It’s only been ten minutes!”
“What have you done? What have you unleashed? I didn’t want this, Colleen. Cammie is going to–”
“QUIT TALKING ABOUT HER!”
Slamming down her own palm, her voice came out like thunder.
Moore reeled back. Good.
“You don’t get to yell at me!” he roared back, storming her with a sudden movement, their faces inches apart.
“YES, I DO!”
“Why?”
“Because you’re so damn afraid of her when it comes to Jordy. She’s a paper tiger!”
“A paper tiger with very real custody rights that can make my life a living hell!”
“He’s fifteen now, Moore. He can decide. And that means he can choose to live with you.”
“Maine law doesn’t have a cutoff age for the judge to consider the rights of the child. You just put everything in jeopardy!”
“I was trying to help.”
“I can’t believe you did this to me!”
“I did it for Jordy! He said Nathan made an offhand comment last night about Cammie taking him away. Jordy said you were the one who made them leave, and the cousins all went silent. Nathan said Cammie took him. Reggie and Tori defended Cammie. He came to me and asked for the truth.”
“He should have come to me!”
“But he didn’t, Moore. He didn’t. Is that why you’re so mad at me? You’re really mad at Jordy for trusting me more than you, and you’re taking it out on me?”
“ARE YOU KIDDING?” he thundered, bearing down on her with a ferocity she didn’t know he had in him. “You’re going to deflect and turn your betrayal into my problem?”
“Betrayal?” she choked out, the word so dangerous, like a hand grenade that he’d lobbed at her, an emotional hot potato she couldn’t hold. "Telling Jordy the truth about what happened is a betrayal of… what?"
"Of my trust," he yelled back.
"Why are you so angry?"
"Because I'm afraid," he confessed, slumping into a chair, the change in him so great she felt like her heart ricocheted against her ribs over and over.
"Afraid of Cammie?"
"No. I'm afraid of losing Jordy. What if he doesn't want to come now?"
"Why wouldn't he want to come now?"
"I don't know."
“Moore, everything you want is right here in front of you. Jordy. Me. We can let go of all the secrets. We can live freely."
"That wasn't your secret to tell, and now he may change his mind.
You don't understand what it's like to walk through life as a giant loser, always having to prove myself, over and over again.
I made one mistake–one–and I've paid for it for half of my life.
And just when I think everything's going to finally turn around, that Jordy will come live with me, that maybe I have you, that maybe I'm not constantly walking a narrow line where I can't make a single mistake, you go and do this. You go and upset the delicate balance."
"I was trying to help Jordy."
"I don't think you were, Colleen. I think you were trying to help yourself."
"What?"
"You could have told him about us, if you're so worried about keeping secrets."
"You told me not to."
"I told you not to tell him about what happened when he was five, too, but you went ahead and just ran roughshod over that one."
All she could do was blink. They were past the point of no return now, every word out of their mouths just another cut that bled.
“I thought we could have a reasonable conversation about this. I knew you’d be upset. Jordy was upset! I was about to come to you and tell you so we could both go talk to him and help him to calm down. Absorb the truth. Re-organize himself inside and be supported.”
“I’m his father. You’re not his parent. You don’t get to make that kind of unilateral decision.”
“I know I’m not his parent, but I am close to him.”
“Maybe that’s clouded your judgment, then.”
“Are you intentionally hurting me, Moore? Is that your goal? Because I’m over here trying so hard to talk this through and come out on the other end, and it feels like you’re just going for the jugular.”
“I’m so tired of being told I’m wrong!”
“Then stop being wrong!”
“I AM ALWAYS WRONG! Wrong for you. Wrong for Cammie and Gia and Hannah. Wrong for working in my family’s company until I proved myself beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Wrong for Jordy until now. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Now I finally have my kid ready to move here and you tell him the truth about the one thing I’ve spent ten years hiding from him for his own good.
He hates me all over again. I never have any good choices! I’m always cursed, either way.”
“Cursed.”
She let the single word hang in the air, like a chime you strike once and hear forever.
He said nothing, panting hard, watching her like he expected her to say something magical to make this all go away.
“You think I’ve cursed you.”
“I was cursed long before you, Colleen. Wasn’t allowed to tell you how I felt when I was younger. Turned to Cammie in desperation. Screwed that up with a broken condom. Fought like hell to make a stable financial life for my wife and kid. Wife took my kid–”
“I know your entire life story, Moore. I’m part of it!”
“Then act like it, for once!”
“I’m trying! I’ve been trying all these years. But I’m done! Too many years, too much trying, and never enough!”
“You’re never enough? Try being me!”
Furious and hurting, she started toward her cabin, unable to continue talking to him right now.
“I have to go to work.”
“What about our early dinner? We were going to tell Jordy about us.”
“What us, Moore? I don’t even know what your idea of us is!”
She ran up the path to the quiet haven of her own home, blindly grabbing her bag and keys.
Then, slamming the front door in frustration, she stormed out to her car and pressed the starter, tears filling her eyes as she tried not to imagine her family’s stares, grateful they were all inside the lodge.
Once she was down the road, she’d text Sandy and take that early shift after all.
Why not? It would be nice to go somewhere where she was allowed to be herself in public.
She had to get away.
Had to escape.
Had to leave the man who yelled at her because she crossed a line.
Cursed. He used the word cursed. Maybe he was right. Maybe she really was cursed.
And maybe she and Moore weren’t meant to be after all.