Chapter 9
Starting the Race
Paul
I’d expected Jon to randomly show up in my room in the basement, plugged into the couch with a basic apology up his sleeve. But five days had passed since his return and he still hadn’t shown up. I wanted him to be the one to reach out. Protocol dictated, after all—he was the one who left. I was mad at myself for starting to dial his number twice already.
Communication with Emily had gotten worse too. Whenever I was in the kitchen—Emily wasn’t. When I was hanging in the living room—she was at work. When I knocked at her bedroom door—she wasn’t home.
To cope, I established a routine: early morning runs on the secluded school track, studying at the college library after class. In this daily quest for normalcy, I often bumped into Kiki. We didn’t act surprised anymore and headed straight to our usual table. Yesterday she’d brought me a hot cappuccino, and today I’d stopped by the bakery for some motivational cake. She ate it with a smile, and for the rest of the afternoon I tried not to watch the smudge of icing at the corner of her lips. Neither of us mentioned Jon or Emily. It was a silent pact: “Hi,” “I’ll be right back,” “Could you pass me that book,” “See you soon?”
I felt guilty for not offering her a ride as we left the library that evening, but I didn’t want to send the wrong signals. It was around sunset as I got to my street. I almost forgot to hit the brakes when I saw them standing close, intertwined in each other’s arms, Jon’s gaze fixated on Emily as if she were the sole person in the universe—shoot, hit the brakes!
I screeched to a stop a few feet past the house and reversed into the driveway. By the time I’d parked the car, things had changed. Emily and Jon now stood a good five feet apart, Emily rubbing her arm, Jon studying the pavement. Why wouldn’t he look at me?
I slung my heavy bag over my shoulder and got out of the car. When Kiki had asked whether I forgave him, I figured I’d know once I saw him again. But here he was... and this fucker wouldn’t even spare me a glance. Instead he turned to Emily, whose eyes kept shifting between his and mine. “I’ve got to head home,” he said, placing a swift kiss on Emily’s hairline. “Tell Gena thanks for the chat.”
Emily nodded, and Jon stuck his hands into his pockets and shuffled down the driveway without acknowledging my presence. I drew in a sharp breath, struggling to keep my chill, but everything was going crimson again. If someone here had the right to ignore someone else, it would be me!
“What did he talk to Mom about?” I asked Emily, who bit the inside of her cheek. I took a cooling breath. I hated that I made her this anxious.
“Um, he wanted to apologize for what happened back then. He’s supposed to clear the air with everyone he’s hurt. It’s part of the steps to—”
I slammed the car door. “Oh, and I don’t deserve an apology?!” I stormed over to her, my hands trembling with anger. It was me who’d found him, literally dying in my arms. It was me who’d risked getting on Marna’s shit list to save him.
“You definitely do,” Emily said, her voice wavering, “But Jon has to follow rules now, and he needs to be home, and—”
“Stop with the excuses!”
She took a step back, wrapping her arms around herself like a protective shield, and I softened my tone. “Are you... afraid I’m going to hurt you?”
Her gaze was at the ground, no response.
I paced in a circle, pulling at the roots of my hair, then stopped. “Seriously?!”
“I know you wouldn’t do it on purpose, but I heard...” She stumbled over her words, not looking me in the eyes. “You got a lot of posters on the walls.”
My eyes widened in pure shock. She knew. She had been in my room, seen the posters. But she hadn’t cared to talk to me about it.
“I would never hurt you!” My frustration dissolved into pain, making the world spin around me. I fucking loved her. I would never dare hurt her. “Fuck!”
“I...” She gazed up at the sky with a shimmer in her eyes. “I already caused so much trouble in your life. I thought it would be best if I stayed out of it.”
“Stay out of it?!” I aimed a hard kick at a tire and let out a gasp as I realized I had done it with my injured foot.
“Paul, your foot!” Emily stepped toward me and grasped my arm. That familiar urge to hold her burned in me. Her touch was so delicate and warm, I wanted more of it.
I growled under my breath. It had been so many weeks, and still that little gesture made me want to fight for her love all over again. The colors around me were fading. I planted my elbows on the car window and let my head sink in my hands. “You know as well as I do that I should be at the top of Jon’s list for amends...” My voice was only a whisper. I turned around, as calm as I could.
“Please, whatever is going on between you two, don’t pull me into it,” she said, a single tear rolling down her face. I wanted to wipe it away, but fuck, knowing what she thought about me now, she would probably flinch if I tried.
I took a deep breath. Letting her avoid me wasn’t the solution. I couldn’t give up yet. “Can we... um, hang out?” I asked, a desperate last resort. Emily’s eyes widened but she didn’t say anything. “Since Jon got back you’ve been avoiding me even more than before. I don’t want us to be strangers, Emi. What I said at the dinner table—I didn’t mean it. I need you in my life.”
She swallowed and looked down. “I don’t think us spending time together is a good idea.”
My chest ached so hard, I felt like she’d taken a rusty knife and twisted it between my ribs. Emily was afraid of me, didn’t want to spend time with me...
I turned back to the car. I couldn’t stand going inside now and pretending to my parents that I wasn’t falling apart. To this day I’d hoped that when Jon came home he’d tell Emily that it was a misunderstanding, that she was just a fling, a point to prove he could have what I had. That he felt remorse for what he’d put me through. But when I saw them holding each other, all that hope turned to dust. And I wasn’t sure if I was relieved that he hadn’t hurt her or sad that this was my bitter future: living with my ex-girlfriend, who was dating my best friend. I jumped back in the car and drove away.
I found myself aimlessly cruising the streets, unsure of where to go or what to do. Going to Brandon’s place was out of the question. He was too wrapped up in his lovey-dovey phase with Hannah. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but today I couldn’t stand hearing all about how happy he was. As I pondered my next move I hung a sudden left, and to my surprise, a black van behind me followed suit, matching pace. I squinted at the rearview mirror, but by now it was dark out, and I couldn’t make out the driver. My grip on the wheel tightened, and the competitive spirit in me emerged. “You want a race? I’ll give you a race. I drove on the freaking autobahn in Germany, damn it!”
I pressed down the gas and the engine roared. The roads were empty, illuminated only by the orange glow of streetlights. I hooked one turn after another, blazing through the ’burbs without a destination in mind.
In the rearview mirror, the headlights of the black van were blinding. They were clearly tailing me. Suddenly spooked, I decided to head for more traffic-filled streets. My best chance of losing them was to put other cars between us.
I drove with intense focus, navigating through town until I reached a busy road with a string of headlights. The light at the next intersection ahead was green. I wove through three cars, putting more distance between us. Yellow. I pressed my foot to the floor of my old-as-fuck Fiat, urging it faster. “C’mon, you old shitbox, show me what you’ve got!” Lucas’s car in Germany was more exciting to drive but my trusty old car was worth its salt.
I flew across the intersection as the light went red. They’d lost me. I’d won the race. “Fuck!” I yelled, slapping the armrest.
I drove for a few more minutes, thoughts and heart racing, and tucked into a nearby familiar neighborhood. I didn’t want to be alone anymore.
It was one of those fancy houses with a wraparound balcony and a meticulously landscaped garden...
Turning to check that no one had followed me, I parked in front of the house and stepped out, catching my breath. White ornamental pebbles lined the drive. I grabbed one and flung it at the window I was ninety-nine-point-nine percent sure was hers.
A light turned on and a shadow appeared behind white curtains. I let out a breath of relief.
The balcony door opened. “Paul? What are you doing here?”
Kiki stepped out, crossing her arms over a pink pajama top.
“Can I come up?” I asked, still debating if this was a good idea.
She hesitated for a moment, glancing around.
“I know it’s strange that I’m showing up here like this but... I don’t want to be alone right now. I mean, as friends of course!” I rubbed my neck. Fuck, this was so weird.
She sighed. “Climb up the tree.”
And I did, taking it limb by limb. I had seen Jon climb this very tree on a few occasions, but never envisioned myself doing the same. As they say, never say never. I hadn’t anticipated racing a random weirdo tonight either—or Jon giving me the silent treatment.
Kiki returned to her balcony door wrapped into a robe. Her glasses were perched over her amber eyes, and her usual cherry-red lipstick was absent. Without it her face looked naked, vulnerable even. She stepped aside to let me in. Her room was neat and clean and filled with an abundance of flowers and plants. A white plush dog rested on one pillow over a pink bedspread. I wandered over to her desk, which was covered with books and notepads and a purple planner crammed with assignment hand-in dates. I hadn’t interrupted Kiki’s sleep, but her study session.
“I had no idea you take your studies this seriously,” I remarked, turning to her.
“Nobody knows.” Kiki shrugged.
“Why not?”
She sighed and sat on her bed. “Because if I told everyone what kind of nerd I am, the cheerleaders would wonder why I’m on the team. If I told the Fam, they’d think they were a bad influence on me when they drink and smoke weed. I don’t want to be a social pariah just because I’m digging my academics.”
“You know this is hella cool, right?” She shouldn’t feel the need to hide that she was a whip-smart girl who went after her dreams.
“I know,” she said with a smile. “But it’s my thing. I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. Jon knew, but he...” She swallowed hard. “He didn’t exactly help me study.”
“Well, I would gladly be your study partner,” I said without a moment of hesitation.
“Thank you, Paul.” She gave a tired smile. “But why are you here? You said you didn’t want to be alone?”
I moved away from the desk and sat next to her on the bed. A fresh breeze wafted in from the balcony door, which was still ajar. “I, um...” There was no way to beat around the bush now. “Remember when you asked me if I forgive Jon?”
Kiki’s eyebrows perked up. “Yeah?”
“When I got home tonight I saw him and... Emily, and—” My voice left me. My heart was thudding so hard, it was beating down my breath. “I don’t think I can forgive him, Kiki. He was my best friend and he... he went after the girl I fucking loved, and...” Tears welled up in my eyes. I swiped at them, feeling like an idiot. “I didn’t only lose her; I lost him too. The two people I care the most about. And—I don’t know how to deal with that.” My hands clenched into fists as anger built within me. But I couldn’t unleash it now, not here, not with her.
“Oh, Paul...” She threw her arms around my neck, transforming my anger into something more tender. It felt good. I leaned into her embrace, resting my head on her shoulder. The world fell into a profound silence.
“I fucking love her, Kiki,” I said. “I knew it from the moment I met her. That’s why I wanted her to move in with me.” Kiki traced soothing circles with her thumb on my back, unleashing a stream of tears. “I wanted to go live with her in Germany. Forever.”
My deepest, most intimate desire. It felt liberating to share it. What Emily and I had wasn’t an ordinary teenage fling; it was something much deeper. And even though she had chosen him, I wasn’t ready to give up the fight for her just yet.