Chapter 14
All or Nothing
Emily
Six years ago...
My tummy hurt a lot last year. I went to see doctors, and they said it was a stress and sensitive stomach thing. I heard them tell Mama it was because of the divorce. I didn’t understand what a divorce had to do with my stomach.
I had stopped most of my activities, and now I only played the piano. It was the least tiring, and I really liked my teacher.
While Mama looked for a new place, Lucas and I stayed with Papa. He ordered takeout a bunch, and instead of staying in his office all the time, he ate in the dining room with us. Our dinners were quiet, but it was nice, seeing him more. I missed Mama a lot though.
One night, out of the blue, Papa said, “I was thinking, you two could keep living with me.”
I looked at Lucas, who raised his eyebrows. “We’re going with Mama,” he said, and I agreed. Papa was spoiling us—a new phone for Lucas, clothes shopping for me. But it didn’t make up for Mom’s love.
Our dog Pitus jumped up and I gave him a piece of salami from the table. “Where will Pitus live?” I asked.
“With me,” Papa growled. “I don’t want to be completely alone.”
It made me sad that Papa thought we were leaving him when he had barely showed any interest in us for years. But I was even more sad to see Pitus only every other weekend. Mama missed him a lot too.
Our new apartment was small. Lucas and I had to share a room, and the living room was also Mama’s bedroom and the dining room. The bathroom was tiny with mold in one corner. It smelled bad even though Mama cleaned it over and over again.
Still, I didn’t mind that we couldn’t afford a bigger apartment because being with Mama and Lucas was all I needed. She was still seeing this guy Richard, but I hadn’t met him yet, and a part of me didn’t want to.
Now...
“Come on, German! Push!” Aiden contorted his face as if he were delivering a baby.
I couldn’t help but laugh in the middle of my bench press, and he swiftly grabbed the barbell before it dropped onto my chest. I was getting better and better at doing squats, but no matter how much I tried, my arms were not getting any stronger. “You can’t make me laugh while I’m trying to lift!”
He shrugged, returning the barbell to its brackets. “I don’t know what the issue is; I only told you to push.”
I gave him a playful look and we switched positions. Now it was my turn to spot him. Which was absurd because even if he did need my help, I wasn’t strong enough to save him. Our teacher had pointed that out, but Aiden insisted that he trusted me.
I couldn’t fathom why he was so gung ho on partnering up with me. He got along with everyone in the class, whereas I only had him to talk to. Maybe that was precisely why he insisted: when he’d moved here from Spain, he was the new kid too...?
I stood behind the bench, palms open in front of me, ready to grab the metal bar if needed. Aiden went for his first press. “What’s going on?” he asked.
I shrugged. “How did you know I’m thinking about something?”
“You—gave me that—questioning look,” he grunted as he strained to press up the bar.
I sighed. “Finish your set first. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Me?” he scoffed. “No way.”
I noticed some girls across the room watching us—or rather, him—in awe. Everyone swooned over Aiden, but I had never actually seen him connect with a girl.
He eased down the bar until it hovered right above his chest. “I’m not lifting again until you talk, so you better hurry or it’ll crush me.”
“Fine, get it back up!”
“Talk!”
“Okay!” I screamed. The girls’ eyes narrowed at me. There’d be a new rumor about me spread everywhere by lunchtime. I continued more quietly. “I was wondering how it felt for you to leave your hometown and move across the ocean.”
Aiden grunted as he pressed up again, beads of sweat running down his temples. I helped him guide the bar into the brackets and he sat up on the bench, chest heaving. “To be honest, it sucked,” he said between breaths.
I bit my lip. Not the response I was hoping for.
“Why? You thinking about staying here?” he asked. He grabbed his water bottle and took a long drink.
“Been working on it, yeah...”
“Well, it only sucked at first.” He got up and adjusted the weights on the bar for me. “Took me a year to get used to this place and learn the language. But now I love it here and I don’t want to move again.”
I nodded. “I want to do it, but I’m feeling guilty because my family is still in Germany.”
“That’s the downside of having two homes, cari?o. You gotta accept not having everything.”
That was something our exchange program hadn’t prepared us for. Once you’re an exchange student, no matter where you decide to live after, a little piece of your heart will always be left behind. You feel incomplete.
Aiden’s eyes softened, and for a moment I could see in them a shadow of homesickness. “There are still days when I really miss home. You can’t replace the feeling of belonging, the familiarity of your own town, your own people.” I nodded. “I know Germany isn’t Spain,” he said, “but when you joined our group I was so glad to finally have someone who could relate.”
I smiled. Beneath his confident exterior, Aiden too grappled with the yearning for home. And he’d become one of the people I would dearly miss if I went back to Germany.
“Now get back on that bench and press that bitch.”
The hallway bustled with animated conversations and clanging doors as I tucked my little black book safely in my locker. Scared of losing it or having someone read its contents, I kept it locked away during the school day. It was the only time I let it out of sight.
“Surprise,” a husky voice whispered into my neck.
I jumped back. Jon stood there, smirking at me. “You scared me!” I exclaimed. “I didn’t know you were coming back today!” I gave him a quick hug.
“Wanted to surprise you.”
“Well, you did.”
He adjusted the straps of his newly acquired schoolbag. Jon with a backpack: now that was a sight to see. Behind him, the people passing by cast lingering glances at us and the hum of whispers grew a notch louder. “That’s Jon, right? Paul’s best friend?” “I bet she’ll cheat on him too, just watch.” Jon remained unfazed, as if the gossip swirling around him didn’t even register.
I glanced right and left and noticed Kiki and Paul walking around the corner together. She was smiling at him. And was he—? Blushing at something she said. Since when were they so tight?
Jon grabbed my hand to pull me in but I slipped away. He frowned. “Little German?”
I felt the blood rushing to my ears. I wasn’t ready for this, for people to start talking—especially with Paul around.
Saved by the bell. “Sorry, um, I got to get to class.” I kissed Jon on the cheek, barely meeting his skin with my lips before practically leaping out of his immediate vicinity. “Have a great first day back at school! Meet me outside later?”
He made a face. Then he spotted Kiki and Paul looking at us, and he strode in the other direction without another glance. Shoot...
The painting on my therapist’s wall seemed to mock me today. The vibrant speckling of colors looked, for some inexplicable reason, like it was flipping me off.
“You think you rejected him?” Caroline asked. I had told her in way too much detail how I’d reacted to Jon’s presence this morning.
“Yeah, and I feel so bad about it. It’s his first day back at school and I acted like a jerk. No matter what I do, I can’t make it okay for everyone.” I dragged my fingers over my face.
“Emily.” Caroline sighed. “Have you considered what you want? You didn’t want to be affectionate in front of Paul. It’s your right to say no.”
I sucked in my lower lip as I pondered her words. If it was my right, then why couldn’t I shake off this disgusted feeling in my chest?
In the parking lot after school, Jon acted like our weird encounter that morning wasn’t a big deal. “You want to give them time. I understand,” he said, and switched topics.
Sure, giving Paul and Kiki time to adjust was one reason, but I hadn’t told him the truth about my reputation yet.
As he drove me home, he told me about all the talks he’d had with his teachers, how much catching up he had to do if he wanted to graduate this year. I tried to cheer him up by offering to study together, but he didn’t seem eager about the idea.
“You’ll find a way to graduate,” I said finally as we pulled up to the Shields’ house. “If you want something, you can do it.”
He frowned at the house. “If I want it, yeah,” he mumbled. He shook his head and leaned in for a kiss. “I’ll text you later, okay?”
“You don’t want to come in?”
“Can’t. Got a meeting, and then tons of homework.”
I didn’t argue the point, even though I’d hoped we’d hang out. Every meeting he went to was a good thing—it showed how determined he was to stay sober.
After he left, I went straight for the kitchen, craving strong black coffee.
“Oh, hi!” Paul said.
I froze.
He was leaning against the counter with a protein bar, dressed in only a white towel casually wrapped around his waist. Water droplets rolled down his torso. He was in better shape than ever before. My heartbeat quickened—I couldn’t deny the remaining attraction I felt for him. But I shouldn’t. I couldn’t.
“Hi,” I said meekly. “No football practice today?”
Paul smirked as if he sensed my wandering eyes. “I don’t have practice every day, Emi.” He laughed, the muscles on his belly contracting slightly, and I forced my eyes away.
“Right. I forgot... Coffee.” I pointed to the coffee maker and shuffled over.
Paul hoisted himself up on the counter and munched his protein bar. I could feel his eyes boring into me. “How was school?” he asked.
“Ah, same as every day.” I accidentally hit the wrong button on the coffee maker. I was now having a cappuccino instead, dammit.
“Didn’t Jon go back to school today?”
“Um, yes.”
Footsteps entered the kitchen, and I was grateful for the distraction. “Emily, I was looking for you,” Henry said, and by the tone of his voice, I could tell something was wrong.
“Did something happen?”
“Kind of...” He rubbed the back of his head, an uncomfortable gesture that was eerily similar to Paul’s.
“What is it, Dad?” Paul said.
And it dawned on me. “You talked to your friend.”
Henry nodded. “I’m sorry, Emily. We’ve debated every other option, but the only way for you to get a permanent visa right away would be marriage.”
Paul jumped down from the counter. “You want to get a permanent visa?”
“Yeah...” I held myself against the counter. “Is that—okay with you?”
“Shit, yes!” he said, and I let out a breath of relief. “But... you don’t want to marry Jon, right?” He stared at me with shadowed eyes.
“I... I don’t know.”
I quickly turned back to the coffee maker and added another shot of espresso to my cup. I needed more strength to deal with this revelation. We were talking about commitment for life...
Was I ready for that?
Was Jon?
We were young. Neither of us was even eighteen yet.
I reached for my phone in my pocket. The countdown to June 16th that I’d set up beamed off the home screen.
2 months, 26 days, 2 hours, 12 minutes, 29 seconds...