Chapter 16
A Hundred Billion Neurons
Kiki
The teacher’s voice fell to an indistinct murmur in the backdrop of my thoughts. I already knew everything Mr. Lane was teaching us about algebra. The textbook, the equations, the problems on the board—they all seemed like a script I had rehearsed countless times before. Math bored me. It wasn’t anything I could touch or fix; just numbers with one straightforward solution. I was only taking this course because not every class could be AP or honors.
I slouched in my seat and stared off to the side—only to see Paul deep in slumber, his cheek resting on his arms. His stitches had been taken off, leaving a scar that gave him a touch of a bad boy vibe.
When he’d told me the details of his assault, something about it struck me as off. Why would anyone want to hurt him? He had no enemies.
I crumpled up a piece of paper covered in doodles—a feeble attempt to stay engaged—and sent it sailing in his direction. “Paul, snap out of it!” I hissed. Unlike me, he desperately needed to pay attention to the equations on the board.
“Huh?” His head shot up, and he squinted across the room as though awakening from a memory-wiping coma. A smile formed on his lips when he spotted me. The teacher was engrossed in writing something new on the board, so I whispered, “Didn’t get much sleep?”
He suppressed a substantial yawn in his elbow. “I watched Grey’s Anatomy with Emily last night. It got so intense, we couldn’t stop.”
“Oh...”
I redirected my attention to the front. The dynamics of Emily dating Jon while maintaining a close friendship with Paul didn’t make sense to me.
A few weeks prior, Emily had surprised me with the cherry-red lipstick I’d dropped in our chance encounter at Walmart. “Thought you might need a refill,” she said. I tried to offer her money for it but she adamantly refused. Truthfully, I would have preferred to pay for it myself. I had no desire to be friends, no matter how many lipsticks she bought me. A small part of me anticipated the day when she’d return to Germany, allowing things to revert to their pre-Emily state.
“Kiki?” Paul whispered.
“Huh? Sorry, I was listening to Mr. Lane.”
“You don’t fool me, I know you already know this shit.”
I shrugged. “Doesn’t hurt to refresh my memory. What’s up?”
“I get why you want to be a doctor. In Grey’s Anatomy it looks super cool.”
My nose twitched. “Did Emily say she wants to be a doctor because of a TV show?”
“No.” Paul gave me a defensive look. “Someone’s not in a good mood today.” He yawned into his cubitus once more.
I rolled my eyes. I hated that so many people talked about becoming doctors because it looked cool on TV. It wasn’t always. Some nights, when all you wanted to do was to sleep but you still had to stimulate your hippocampus to memorize a lecture on vein structure, it was pure torture. But I had decided to be a physician ever since my dad let me watch one of his appendix surgeries when I was eight, and nothing would stop me from getting there.
Not even being wait-listed for Yale...
I still had a slight chance of getting in. And I would convince them by keeping up every one of my grades until the end of senior year, plus extra volunteering.
“Sorry, I don’t know what’s going on with me,” I muttered.
Lie. I knew exactly what was going on with me. At lunch I saw them for the first time, walking through the hall hand in hand, sharing kisses. It was a level of public affection Jon had never displayed with me.
With me, he wanted to be discreet, avoiding any outward signs of attachment.
But with her, it was like he had transformed into the perfect boyfriend. He didn’t even care that everyone was staring at them, didn’t even notice me staring... He only had eyes for her.
“Mr. Shields! What’s the answer to this equation?”
Mr. Lane fixed a stern gaze on Paul, who scratched the back of his head, clearly blanking out.
“That x is the root of sixteen, so four,” I chimed in. “Easy.”
Paul, quick to recover, nodded vehemently. “Yes, I was about to say the exact same thing!”
“Mrs. Moore, I didn’t ask you.” Mr. Lane sighed but explained to the class how I’d reached this conclusion.
“Thank you,” Paul whispered, smiling at me, and I quickly looked away. His smile activated my sympathetic nervous system, making me nervous, and I didn’t like it.
“Wanna hang out after your cheerleading practice?” Paul asked as we strolled through the echoing halls toward our next classes.
“You want to study again?” I said, because that’s all we’d done since his college class exam. Study, nothing more. At first I was into it, but now I was wishing for a more genuine friendship. I was more than capable of hitting the books solo.
“Nah, I’m too tired today. How about we grab a coffee or something?”
I stopped in my tracks. “You want to get coffee... not study?”
“Of course.” He winked. “You’re my friend, Kiki.”
“Right,” I said, composing my face. It wasn’t the first time he’d snuck in the word friend, as if he was worried I had other intentions. Which I didn’t. I was done with boys right now. Especially boys who were infatuated with Emily. “Coffee as friends. Sounds great.”
He smiled and leaned in for a brief hug. “See you later, Dr. Moore.”
I scrunched my nose. I hated when he called me that. I wasn’t even close to earning that title.
I hurried down the hallway toward AP Biology, scanning my notes. Today was an important test, which, according to my calculations, could boost up my grade from A- to A. “Neuron,” I muttered to myself. “An electrically excitable cell that receives, processes and transmits information by means of chemical signals. Humans have a neural network with more than a hundred billion neurons that control their interactions with the environment. Starting with automated reflexes—”
I crashed into someone’s chest as I turned the corner, my neurons failing to connect quick enough. Papers scattered into the air as gravity pulled me to the floor.
“No, my notes!” I scrambled to collect them, picking up sheet after sheet.
Familiar hands joined me. “Hardworking as always, hm?”
I froze in place. Jon.
His eyes crinkled before dropping back to the sheets on the floor. I couldn’t help but notice that his hair had grown longer and curlier, the way I liked it best. As he passed me a handful of papers, his dark, expressive eyes locked onto mine, unflinchingly holding my gaze.
“Thanks,” I said. How was it so easy for him to make eye contact when I wanted to slap him? I rose to my feet, clutching my crumpled papers.
Jon ran his fingers through his hair, shuffling it in place. “I’m glad I caught you. Um... Can we go outside to talk?”
I was taken aback. “Really? Talk?”
His face gave nothing away. Glancing at my watch, I still had twelve minutes left. Maybe we could talk for a few, leaving me enough time to review the rest of my notes. I nodded and followed him outside.
It was 12:14 when we found a bench by a table. Jon gestured for me to take a seat while he sat on the table. Seconds ticked by. He said nothing. I checked my watch again: eight minutes left.
“Jon, I don’t have much—”
“I’m searching for the right words.” He turned to me. His eyes were glossy. “You know what? I don’t think any words could come even remotely close to expressing how sorry I am.”
“Hm.” I’d listened to countless apologies from Jon. This one didn’t feel any different.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you ever since I got back from rehab. Part of my healing process involves apologizing to everyone I’ve hurt. But that’s not the only reason. I want to do it because you deserve an explanation.”
Great. I didn’t need an explanation about why he broke my heart to be with another girl. It hurt enough as it was.
Jon shook his head, his curls dancing with the motion. “I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t want to hear it. I’ve caused you so much pain, but I want you to know that I never intended to hurt you. I... I always wanted to give you what you needed, but it seems that a part of me wasn’t capable to do that.”
His words washed over me, flooding me with emotions. A burning in my skin, a pounding in my head. “I never asked you for anything,” I said. I had always tried to play it cool, pretended a casual relationship was all I needed. I knew he wasn’t ready but I hoped that if I sat tight, he would eventually come around.
And he did... just not for me.
“You were really patient with me,” he said. “I’m tremendously sorry for all the suffering I put you through. You deserve someone great, someone better than me. I want you to find that someone who makes you forget all the shit I pulled.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. He could be so good with words—otherwise I never would’ve fallen for his act in the first place. I got up, ready to explode. “Do you really expect me to buy this?”
“Buy this?”
“You just so happen to run into me in the hall. Oh, how convenient. You know as much as I do that I have to get to class, so what is this? A safe ‘apology,’ which you know won’t last long because I’ll never let myself get to class late? I deserve more than that!” My head burned with anger. He hadn’t changed one bit.
He looked at his worn-down black sneakers, his shoulders slumping. “You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking...”
“You weren’t thinking at all,” I snapped, feeling a new burst of pride blossom in my chest. We were over. And the first time in years, I didn’t mince my words for fear of losing him. That was Emily’s business now. Sooner or later she would be the heartbroken one. Not me.
“But there’s one thing I don’t understand,” I added because I doubted I’d get another opportunity. I asked the question I’d been losing concentration over in the last few hours. “Why are you fine with PDA with her when you hated it with me?”
He sighed, scuffing one shoe against the other. “Little German... made me think about how I was doing things in my life. I want to be better for her somehow. I’m still working on being better.”
I swallowed hard. His answer hurt more than expected. “You’re clean now?”
He sighed, a bit hesitant. “Yeah...”
I blinked my eyes and sucked it up. He didn’t deserve any more tears from me. “Good.” I turned on my heel.
“Wait.” Jon grabbed me by the arm. “I didn’t want to hurt you again. I wanted this talk to be good. Trust me.”
“Trust you?” I shook his hand off. “Can you even picture what it feels like when the person you gave your all for couldn’t do that for you, but they manage just fine for someone else? It hurts!” A stupid tear ran down my face after all. I swiped it away with the hem of my shirt.
He fell silent. I used the opportunity.
“As much as I want to accept your apology and pretend like everything’s cool, I can’t! Till the end of my life, my first love will be a screw-up who completely broke me. How do you expect me to ever trust anyone again?”
“Not all men are like me. Please.”
“But I’ll always see you in them.”
I rushed back inside, checking my watch. Just one minute till Bio!
Jon didn’t only give me a fake, rushed apology. He stole my focus to get the A I so desperately needed.