Chapter 23
Once A Rulebreaker...
Emily
We ran hand in hand off the stage, down the stairs, through the back door and out into the fresh evening air.
“I can’t believe we did that!” I squealed. My cheeks burned with adrenaline.
Jon leaned against the brick wall, grinning. “Shit, me neither!”
I laughed for no special reason. “I thought it was a piece of cake for you?”
“I would never have seen myself doing that either. Fuck!” Jon yelled up into the air, on a high. “We make a pretty good team.”
I swung my arms around his neck and admired him up close. “We make the best team.”
He leaned in to kiss me, and quickly our first tender kisses turned into wildfire. Jon picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his hips. It was such a rush, I wanted more.
“Jon!” a familiar male voice called. We broke the kiss.
I squinted at the newcomer. “Dave?”
Dave and Natalia came out the back door, cheering.
I tilted my face to Jon. “Why didn’t you tell me they were here?”
“Didn’t know myself.” Jon put me down. “We used to come here a lot back in the day, but I hadn’t been in ages.”
I went up to Natalia and she pulled me into a big hug. “Oh, Emily,” she said, “you did amazing!”
Dave clapped Jon’s shoulder. “Yep, and you weren’t half bad either, bro. I had no idea you dig poetry.”
“Fuck off,” Jon growled, but then they laughed and did a bro handshake.
“So what should we do now?” Natalia said. “The night is young and so are we!” By the slur in her voice, I could tell she was already a bit tipsy.
I looked at Jon. We still had time left before I had to be home, but this was our first real date, and I didn’t want to end it with a risk of relapsing.
“Sorry, Nat, but tonight”—Jon threw his arm around my shoulders—“I want to spend some alone time with my girl.” My cheeks turned hot. Jon could read me like an open book.
“No!” Natalia protested. “I’ve been wanting to hang for months now.”
I smiled apologetically. “Sorry, Nat... Some other time?”
She made a pouty face. “Fine. I’ll see you at work on Tuesday, right?”
“Definitely.”
She and Dave waved their goodbyes and bounced back into the bar.
Jon gave my arm a little squeeze. “They aren’t the addict types.”
“How do you know?”
“They got it under control. A party here and there, a few drinks.” He shrugged, and I nodded. Taking a closer look, I noticed the signs of his own addiction: he was rubbing his wrist, shifting from one leg to the other. This place was triggering him.
We should be talking about this more openly, facing the issues instead of ignoring them. “Do you think you can ever be more casual about partying?” I asked.
Jon’s eyes darkened and he looked at the ground. “Addiction isn’t something you can cure. It will always be a part of me.”
“Okay,” I said, stepping up close to him again. “Good thing we make such a great team.”
He grabbed my hand and smiled. “We still have another hour. Wanna know what’s next on a Jon Denson type of date?”
We drove through a deserted field, not encountering a single car on the way. Finally, Jon turned off the car along with the headlights.
“Should I put on the tie again?” I giggled, twirling the soft fabric around my finger.
“No need.” Jon gestured into the pitch-black darkness.
“We can’t venture out there. What if a serial killer’s waiting for us?”
“A serial killer? Seriously?” He cracked up.
“My brother made me watch this horror movie one time, it was... traumatizing.”
“Lucas, right?” Jon perked a brow.
“Yes!” I grinned. Jon might know about my deepest fears and insecurities, but he still had so much to catch up on—the basic facts that formed the everyday mosaic of me.
My smile faded. How could he be ready for marriage if he was still missing this much?
“I want to hear all about those traumatizing brother-sister moments, but for now—” He leaped out of the car, jogged to my side, opened the door and held out his hand. “I’m taking you to the second half of the Jon Denson special.”
“Thank you.” I grabbed his hand, shaking off the thought. We walked quietly down a path, gravel crunching beneath our feet, until we reached a moonlit lake. “This is so beautiful...”
I had a new favorite, I realized: no longer the sunset, but the moon over a serene lake.
Jon let go of my hand. “Let’s go in.”
“What?” I dragged my eyes from the moon to Jon pulling his shirt over his head. “I don’t have a swimsuit, and it’s freezing!”
“I know it’s part of your bucket list. I saw it in your book. Skinny-dipping.” Now he was shrugging out of his jeans, leaving him in only his underwear.
My heart raced. “That was random ideas, I didn’t actually—”
“They were still ideas, and ideas are there to be fulfilled.”
He slid down his underwear. I looked at him, astonished. He was so beautiful in this lighting. He didn’t have the most athletic body, but he was still fit and broad. I walked up to him and ran my fingers down his bare torso.
He grabbed me by the wrist. “It’s kind of unfair that I’m standing here totally naked while you’re still fully dressed, don’t you think?”
I scanned the surroundings. There was no house, no sign of any people.
I decided that whatever happened tonight was meant to be. With Jon by my side, I felt a sense of security. He would protect me and I would protect him. It was like a night in a movie where nothing could stop us from living like there was no tomorrow.
“Then help me,” I said.
Jon carefully lifted my knit sweater and shirt over my head and gently tucked my hair behind my ears. I turned around to let him undo my bra strap. His fingers grazed my skin so delicately that a pleasant shudder traveled over me, forming goosebumps. The bra slid down my arms and landed on the ground. Cold air surrounded me but I was burning on the inside. Turning back to face Jon, I met his gaze, my breasts exposed. A spark ignited in his eyes as he looked at me. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”
He leaned down to kiss my chest, then fiddled with the button of my jeans. My entire body was on fire, ready to be cooled by the lake. But he took his sweet time to glide down my pants. His fingers paused at the scars, touching them—and the fire was replaced with something else... memories of the time I had caused them.
I pulled him back up. “Hey, don’t do that,” I whispered, taking his face in my hands. “The past is the past, and we have the present to make it right. Remember?”
He nodded, but the mood had sobered. “I can’t get over what I put you through.”
“Jon, you didn’t put me through anything. You helped me in so many ways.”
He snorted and turned his face up at the moon. “You fucking kidding me, Little German? I messed up your fairy tale.”
“Oh, so you think tonight isn’t like a fairy tale?” I put my hands on my hips, not caring that I was entirely naked in front of him. “I stood on a freaking stage and invented a poem on the spot, something I would’ve never been brave enough to do without you. And now—” I broke away and ran toward the water. “I’m going skinny-dipping in the moonlight!”
I ran down the dock and jumped into the water, expecting a romantic moment, but—
A frigid chill rushed up from my toes to every nerve of my body. “Cold!” I squealed. The water was too deep to stand in; I had to swim to keep myself above the surface.
Jon chuckled. “You’re so cute.”
“Cute? Come in here and I’ll show you how cute I can be.” I splashed water in his direction and then let myself float on my back for a while.
Suddenly his arms enveloped me from behind, pulling me close. I turned, dog paddling. Our noses brushed, and I smiled, feeling his warmth emanate from his skin.
“I’m so lucky I found you,” Jon said. “You and me, in this town...” He sighed. The sparkle was in his eyes again. “It makes me wish it could be like this forever.”
“It could be,” I said. Staying here with him—going on Jon Denson specials, having dinner with his father... “Seriously, Jon.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
This was the moment to tell him. We could have this forever if he wanted.
“We could get married so I could get a permanent visa,” I said in the lightest tone possible.
“Sure we could.” Jon laughed, and my smile faltered. He thought I was kidding.
“It wouldn’t be that crazy, would it?”
“I mean, we’re only seventeen. There must be another way, right? Not that I don’t want to marry you one day... but we’re young.”
I swallowed. “Right.” I couldn’t break the news to him. He wasn’t ready. I’d got my answer.
Jon smiled at me, but it wasn’t a cute smile; it was mischievous—
He sucked in a breath and pulled me under.
I beat my legs and surfaced. “Arschloch!” I pressed my palms on his shoulders to push him down. But in one swift motion, he lifted me onto his shoulder and twisted me around. I laughed so hard, I almost swallowed lake water as we both went under.
This time, coming up, we weren’t laughing anymore. We were kissing heavily, gasping for air in between. I could feel his hardness poking into my belly. He’d been so patient, waiting for my freaking never-happening appointment. I clasped my palm around his dick, slowly stroking it. The pounding between my legs was suddenly so intense, I just couldn’t wait anymore.
I wouldn’t be entirely reckless though. “Do you have a condom?”
“I do, but what about your rules?”
“Screw the rules, we’ll be fine.”
We swam back to shore and kept kissing as we got out of the lake. He pulled away to scrounge in his pants pockets and came up with a slim square packet. We kissed all the way to the car. Inside, he turned on the heater and navigated me to lie in the back seat. The space was tight but my mind was burning from his hands all over my body, ready to feel him so close, I wanted to cry with happiness.
He ripped open the silver packet and put on the condom, impatience written all over his face. Then he leaned over me. “You sure?”
I nodded hysterically. “Yes,” I half moaned.
He kissed me again, and then without another warning, slid into me. I let out a gasp as a sharp pain shot through my abdomen.
“You okay?” Jon pulled out in a heartbeat and looked at me with worry.
“I... It hurts.”
His face went pale. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, I forgot this is only your second time.”
“Is that normal?” I was confused. Why was it still painful?
“I don’t know.” His cheeks reddened.
“Oh...” I let go of him. He had probably taken Kiki’s virginity too—and god knows who else. My body suddenly cramped together.
“Little German, no.”
“What?” I said, looking to the side.
Jon took my face in his palms. “I know exactly what your brain is doing right now. But I’m in love with you, not anyone else. Just you.”
I smiled, and my mood was back up. I didn’t just want to have sex with him; I wanted to make love to him. “I’m in love with you too.”
He looked at me with dreamy eyes and caressed my face. “Do you want to stop?”
I shook my head. “No. I want this.”
Jon outlined my lips with his finger. “I’ll be more careful. Okay?”
I nodded, and Jon did as he promised, planting soft kisses all over my collarbone and nibbling at the skin of my neck, rubbing me with his fingers until my body relaxed again. My moans doubled, tripled, and all of a sudden it was only him and I and the heater blasting. He moved back up to kiss my lips, and slowly he glided into me, looking at my face for confirmation with every movement. This time it hurt less, and with each careful thrust, he went in deeper until the pain was exchanged with a new feeling in my chest. A time-stopping feeling of power, almost magical, that made me fall in love with him even more. It felt good... no, not just good, tremendous. Adrenaline—like we were onstage. Just that we didn’t perform for an audience: only for one another.
The realization hit me. I hadn’t only broken one rule tonight—I had broken all of them.
#1: I was high. High on love and adrenaline.
#2: I had sex with Jon.
#3: I told Gena I was at Tim’s—not at a deserted lake in the middle of nowhere.
Oh, and I was supposed to be home ten minutes ago.
I tried to feel guilty but I couldn’t—not when breaking the rules made me this happy.
Jon zoomed through the streets. When we pulled into the driveway of the Shields’ house, I hated that I had to leave his side. “I don’t want to go in,” I said. My hair was only halfway dry, all curly and wild.
“I know.” Jon grabbed my hand from my lap. “You have no idea how little I want to let you go in there either.”
For a moment we just looked at each other, as if we had all the time in the world. Then Jon said something that made the moment even more perfect. “Let’s go on that double date with Danielle and Timo.”
“Really?” I bounced in my seat.
“Yeah. Danielle’s your best friend, and it’s about time we put our differences aside and do”—air quotes—“normal couple things.”
“Jon Henry Denson doing normal?” I giggled and leaned into him to give him a big kiss. I pulled away an inch and added, “New rule: We do our own normal.”
“I like that,” he said, smoothing my cheek.
“Okay. Rule #1,” I reminded us, “never say goodbye without a kiss. Rule #2: we do our own normal.”
“I want to add another rule.”
“Which is?”
“Rule #3: we write it all down. So when we can’t be together, we’ll read about it.”
My smile vanished. I liked writing to Jon but it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. We needed more time...
“Come with me to Germany this summer,” I blurted.
His mouth opened and his eyes twitched to the side. His palm fell away from my cheek.
“Jon?”
“Little German, look.” He nodded at the windshield. I tilted my head.
Right in front of the car were Paul and Kiki, staring at us.