Chapter 22 #3
“And then my brothers came home. Every day, for hours, they screamed in pain. They screamed in fear. They sat staring at the walls for hours. They didn’t want me around them anymore.
Not for company, not to help, not to play.
Neither did my parents. And somewhere along the line, my preteen brain assumed the problem was me.
“No one noticed how I started flinching at every odd sound, or how I’d fall into a panic whenever new people were introduced, or when there were sudden changes around us. Everyone was too busy with my brothers and my youngest siblings. Nobody noticed that I, too, was suffering.”
Alice shrugged and shook her head as a glint of wetness flowed down her cheek.
“What right did I have to suffer? The trauma wasn’t mine. I was simply background noise to the main event. My fears were worth less because nothing actually happened to me. To my parents, I took advantage of my brothers’ pain to beg for attention. If that’s the truth, it wasn’t intentional.
“No one sees the collateral damage to trauma. Or maybe it’s not that no one sees it, but that they don’t want to.
It’s not jagged and obvious or easily justified to the world.
Or maybe my sort of pain was deemed unworthy because it wasn’t shocking enough.
Mine couldn’t exist while my brothers’ did.
Mine needed to be undermined so theirs could be addressed.
They got counseling, psychologists, and psychiatrists, while I got scoldings.
They got love and care, while I got pushed to the sidelines.
It became the new normal, and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, that stigma never left me until that car accident.
It made me wonder if I’d been abducted, too, would my parents still love me? Would they visit my grave if I died?”
Her pain was real. Beautiful. It seeped into my pores and caressed my skin like an old friend. We were both side characters to the validated victims in our stories, condemned to suffer in silence, with no redemption in sight.
“That’s when my panic attacks started, but they were never acceptable until after Lea’s death.
She had to die for my parents to take notice and accept that I needed help.
But it was never about the mess I was on the inside.
It was because of the trouble I’d caused that they’d had to clean up and sweep under the rug.
One of the best people I knew died, and all they saw it as was a cry for attention. ”
Her agony lit up the dark room like a beacon. It was so blinding it hurt. It dug into my chest with claws so sharp I couldn’t escape its clutches.
“You can laugh now,” she said, her gaze locked straight above.
“Why would I laugh at that? You don’t need to justify your pain to anyone. Least of all me.”
I understood hers better than most. I was never the victim in my story, always the collateral damage. Survivor’s guilt was a bitch, especially for someone in my line of work.
Silence stretched between us until she muttered something to herself and shuffled away, tugging at the sheets.
“I shouldn’t have told you that. Forget I said anything. I have to go.”
“No, you don’t.” I dragged her back to me and twisted a hand in her hair. If I was suffering, so was she. “Look at me.”
“Don’t.” She covered her face under an elbow. “My makeup is probably a mess.”
“I couldn’t give a rat’s arse.”
She tried to pull away, but I yanked her back to me, her ass smacking my groin as she struggled.
Sparks flared at the contact. They throbbed with growing intensity the longer I held her close.
Stinging, then aching, and finally leaving a satisfying twinge of pain that made my heart race with ecstasy.
Two days ago, with her in my bed, hadn’t been a fluke.
“Where do you think you’re going?” I growled in her ear and pinched her chin.
She chose to come here. Now I got to choose when it ended, and we weren’t done.
This feeling she evoked, it needed to be bottled and stored, only to be cracked open once it aged to perfection, like a full-bodied whiskey. But there was no time for it to ripen when LK always lurked, ready to snatch away any sign an O’Leary thrived.
I could take Alice now, spread her legs, and enjoy an hour’s pleasure as our bodies melted into one another.
Then wait for LK to do her work and snuff out the brightest spark in my life.
Or I gave her up, only spying on her from the shadows to keep her safe the best I could until I finally caught and killed the Love Knot Killer.
“I need to freshen up. You can’t see me puffy-eyed and snot-covered.”
“Don’t you dare hide from me. Don’t give me something real only to take it away.”
She froze. “What?”
“You’re stunning because of your imperfections, not in spite of them.”
“Y-you cannot say stuff like that.”
“I just did, sweetheart. Now fucking kiss me and make it worth my while.”
“Prick.”
I rolled her on top of me. Her hair tickled my cheek, and her weight hugged me as her breaths stuttered over my skin. My nerves sparked alive with the need for one more moment together.
“Say that again.”
“Prriiic—”
I swallowed the end of the word with my mouth on hers.