Lindsay #3
My eyes find Matteo almost immediately, like I’m drawn to him. Even the young version of him, who looks to be about seven or eight. Another boy I believe is Salvatore stands behind him, holding up bunny ears behind his head. They look happy. The perfect picture of a loving family.
Valentina stays silent as I turn the pages, each picture warming my heart. I find one of Matteo going to prom. He’s in a clean-cut dark suit, his hair longer than it is now. He looks handsome with his arm around a gorgeous blonde I’m guessing was his prom date.
“I’m starting to think he has a type,” I murmur, amused.
I’m not sure how long I stay there, gazing at the Vitale family pictures and seeing them in a completely different light. When I finally look up at Valentina, it’s clear she can read my thoughts. Triumph lights up her eyes.
“Don’t be afraid to fall in love with him, Lin,” she tells me. “That boy is still in there somewhere.”
She’s right. I know that better than anyone else. He’s let me in and I’ve seen so much more than the facade of ruthlessness he exposes to the rest of the world.
“I just can’t ignore the parts of him that live in the darkness.”
Valentina frowns. “Do you think that’s what I do?”
I shrug in reply and she exhales a soft breath.
“Lindsay, I’ve never had any misguided notions about who Salvatore really is.
I’ve come to accept it, yes, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be okay with the horrible things he does.
My mission is to be the calm to his storm.
To temper his rage and in doing so make the world a better place, somehow.
It’s not exactly ideal, but I enough that I’ve figured out a way to make it work. You can too, if you want.”
“I don’t know. Things are great between us.
He sees me, Val. More than anyone else ever has.
He makes me think and he irritates me to no end.
But he’s also so sweet and kind and soft.
But while he may be all of that with me, I know every moment he’s not by my side, there’s a possibility he’s being the complete opposite with someone else.
I’m a prosecutor—how am I supposed to be okay with a man who commits crime like it’s a sport? ”
“To be fair, Matteo’s actually gentle compared to his brothers,” Valentina points out.
I roll my eyes.
“I’m serious.” She laughs. “Compared to Raffaele and Sal, he might as well be a cute puppy. You could do so much worse, Lin.”
“I’m telling him you compared him to a cute puppy.” I smile.
“All I’m saying is that I’m rooting for the two of you. Have you met Leo?”
“Yeah.” My smile turns into a grin. “He’s the cutest thing ever.”
“That’s good. I’m glad for you, Lin. I’m glad you found Matt and I’m glad you’re happy. You are happy, right?”
I nod. “Happier than I’ve been in forever.”
“Then go for it. You’re a badass, babe. I’ve never seen you not succeed at anything you put your mind to. You’ve brought a fearsome mafia capo to his knees. He’s all yours for the taking.”
Her words are soothing and exactly what I needed to hear. They quiet all the doubts in the deepest parts of my mind. I imagine a future at Matteo’s side and it suddenly doesn’t seem impossible. But first I need to make a very important life change.
“I think,” I hesitate before voicing something that’s been circling in my head for a while. “Val, I think I want to quit my job.”
Her eyes widen. “What? But you love being a prosecutor. You’re amazing at it.”
“That’s the thing. I think I love it so much because I’m amazing at it.
I don’t really feel anything when I’m standing in court or poring over endless case files.
I don’t feel any passion or joy. Not like I do when I’m standing in a library, for instance.
My work is a huge part of who I am, but it doesn’t define me. I’ve never wanted it to.”
She considers that for a moment.
“This isn’t because I told you to figure out how to work it out with Matteo, is it? You shouldn’t have to quit your job to fit into his life. You could do both.”
“Says the girl that quit her job at the library after meeting her husband.”
The accusation in my tone is impossible to ignore.
Her eyes narrow. “Don’t be a bitch.”
“Fine, I’m sorry. I promise this has nothing to do with Matteo.”
“Just… give it a lot of thought, okay?”
“I will.”
Work just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I haven’t stepped foot in my office in over a week and I barely even miss it. The more time I’m out, the less I want to return.
“We should have dinner sometime,” Valentina suggests. “Me, you, and the other Vitales. Matteo’s kept you all to himself for long enough.”
“I think that’s just out of respect to me. He doesn’t want to overwhelm me with his entire world. At least not until he’s sure I can handle it.”
“Trust me, you can handle it. I did it too, after all.”
I smile at the look in her eyes. Her love for her husband shines through enough that it makes everything else seem unimportant.
“I’m glad you’re happy, Val.”
“Yeah.” Her gaze drifts across the room to the twin bassinet positioned near the window, where two small shapes rise and fall in slightly offset rhythms. A smile crosses her face that I can only describe as helpless. “I really am.”
I look at them. The two of them. Tucked side by side as though they’re already keeping each other company the way they have been for nine months. I remember the weight of the girl against my arm in the hospital corridor. I haven’t let myself think about it too carefully since.
I’m not letting myself think about it now.
“Sal is already insufferable,” Valentina continues, the helpless smile not going anywhere.
“He called Raffaele to announce it three times because he kept forgetting he’d already called.
He had strong opinions about the bassinet placement before I’d even come home.
” She shakes her head, the fondness in it completely bottomless.
“He was more excited than I was, if you can believe it. I was still in shock and he was already talking about names.”
“That sounds exactly like him,” I say.
I look at her, this woman I have known since we were teenagers, who used to cry in my dorm bathroom over boys who weren’t worth it—and she looks like none of that ever happened. She looks like someone who has finally fully landed.
I’m so happy for her.
And then something else arrives. Quiet and cold and entirely uninvited.
One of the babies stirs in the bassinet—a fist uncurling, a mouth opening and closing on nothing.
I watch it without meaning to. I think about the weight of a small body against my arm.
About how it felt to look down at a face that new to the world and feel something move through me I didn’t have a name for.
I haven’t seen my period in weeks.
I wrote it off, stress, disrupted sleep, two weeks of a life that bore no resemblance to my own. But weeks. My mind starts backtracking against my will, pulling up dates I wasn’t tracking and mornings I wasn’t paying close enough attention to.
Matteo and I are not exactly careful. Sometimes things escalate before either of us thinks to slow down. I’m on birth control, have been for years, but my mind snags on the first night. Before anything was certain. Before either of us was thinking about consequences.
I have no idea how that may have affected things.
My heart does something clumsy and unpleasant behind my ribs.
No. I can’t be. That would be—no.
I’m sure everything’s fine.
“You okay, Lin?” Valentina is watching me with a slight frown. “You’ve gone a little pale.”
I let out a soft breath, clenching my jaw.
“I’m fine,” I say. “I think I just need to eat something.”
She doesn’t look entirely convinced, but she lets it go. Valentina has always known when to push and when to wait.
When my phone buzzes in my pocket, I pull it out with a frown. Valentina waits patiently while I read the text, inwardly sighing at the words.
“Who’s texting you? Matteo?”
I shake my head. “Edward Fadden.”
“Who?”
“I’m sorry, Val. But I’ve got to run,” I tell her, watching disappointment flit across her face. “I promise I’ll be back soon. And I agree, we should definitely have that dinner. Bye. Love you.”
“Love you too,” she mutters.
I wrap my arms around her, breathing in her warmth for a couple of seconds.
“Congratulations again,” I say quietly. “You’re going to be an incredible mom.”
She squeezes my hands. “Go. But eat something, you look pale.”
And then I’m headed downstairs to see an FBI agent who’s threatening to track me down if I don’t show up to a meeting. All thoughts of a possible pregnancy—of missed periods and missed mornings and a first night I haven’t let myself think too hard about, I push firmly from my mind.
I’m sure everything’s fine.
I keep telling myself that all the way to the car.