Chapter Twenty
The next morning, I picked half-heartedly at a limp slice of papaya on my breakfast plate while Marin sat across from me, radiating the frantic energy of someone trying to defuse a ticking bomb with a plastic spoon.
“Okay,” she said in a low, conspiratorial voice, glancing around the outdoor terrace like someone might be eavesdropping. “I gave the whole FMCP a lot of thought when I got back to my room last night.”
“The what?”
“Full Matty Containment Protocol! C’mon, El, get your head in the game,” she replied, like it was as common an acronym as CPR or LOL.
I set down my coffee mug. “Right. Yes. FMCP. Continue, please.”
“Did a little digging this morning at seaside yoga with your fam. Word is, Matthew and Izzy are locked in for the catamaran tour. So if you stick to literally any other activity on today’s wedding itinerary, you should be in the clear.”
I nodded mutely, stabbing a cube of cantaloupe so hard it rocketed off my plate.
Marin leaned across the table. “Hey, you okay?”
“Sure, yeah, just fine. Everything’s fine.
Living the dream: eating mushy fruit in a tropical dystopia, trapped with all the headliners from my therapy sessions.
” I chased an errant strawberry around my plate with a fork jab, sending another piece of fruit flying, nearly toppling my mimosa in the process.
“You know, that would actually make a killer title for your future memoir: Headliners from My Therapy Sessions. I would tell you to file that one away if you’d ever actually gone to therapy.
” She clapped her hand over my forearm and gave it a supportive squeeze.
“But it’s fine. You’re gonna be okay. We’ll get you through this together, like we always do. ”
My eyes lifted to hers, and I was so grateful she was sitting across from me, even though I couldn’t help but think of Leo and what he was doing at that exact moment.
We’d exchanged a few texts since I arrived in Belize, and in true Leo fashion, he always replied promptly and said all the right things.
But I could feel him holding back, perhaps trying to give me the space he thought I needed, or maybe he was reverting back to old habits, burying himself in his work as a way to avoid getting in too deep.
I still didn’t know whether he was even coming to the wedding in a few days.
He hadn’t brought it up, and since I was too afraid to ask, neither had I.
Not to mention, seeing Matty had stirred something deep in my core, reminding me why I’d put up so many walls and drawn so many boundaries in the first place.
And though Leo had defied a lot of expectations, it wouldn’t be long before he let me down too.
Maybe it would be better to just let the relationship fizzle out like it was supposed to after Greece.
Like I’d decided before.
Then why did a small part of me miss him?
Like this morning, when I took a walk on the beach and there was the most incredible sunrise after the storm.
The sky was streaked with gorgeous shades of yellow and orange, like a sherbet dream.
I snapped a picture and sent it to him, but not before deleting the words Wish you were here from the text.
Maybe it was all the rum punch I sucked down after my tangle with Matty and the flood of memories dredged up during our fight, but when I returned to my villa last night, my bed felt empty.
I craved the warmth of Leo’s arms wrapped around me, the comfort of his solid presence, and the calm he’d somehow pressed into my bones when he’d pull me close.
But more than just his physical being, it was the way he always made the world feel a little less sharp and threatening, like a wizard who could slow the chaos just enough that I could regain my footing.
Without him, the night had stretched out long and restless, the silence wearing me down like water on stone, carving out the parts I believed had been so solid.
Tossing and turning, I cursed myself for how easily the old wounds had reopened at the sight of Matty.
Over these last few weeks, Leo’d made me believe I could be someone braver. Someone softer. Someone who didn’t have to build a fortress around her heart just to survive. But Leo wasn’t here. And the longer I sat with that ache, the more I wondered if maybe I was fooling myself all over again.
No. This was ridiculous. Even without Matty reappearing in my life, my career was still teetering on unstable ground.
My brand, diluted. Leo was a risk I couldn’t afford to take, not now.
Personally or professionally, it was all the same.
All one had to do was look around Family Dysfunctional Island to see the inevitable wreckage of putting love ahead of reason.
Reason had to win. I’d come too far. Sacrificed too much for it to not.
Marin opened the day’s itinerary. “The catamaran’s clearly out of the running, so what are you thinking?
Mindful meditation with your mom or zip-lining with Keith?
You know my thing about heights, so I think I’ll give deep breathing with Sonja a go.
Worst-case scenario, I’ll close my eyes and fall asleep.
I haven’t had a proper nap since before the twins were born. ”
“Speaking of, any update on how they’re doing with Pickles?”
“Tyler checks the cage every morning and night, and the kids texted me a picture of them ‘snuggling’ with her and feeding her carrot sticks. I’m tellin’ you, that guinea pig is living her best life right now.
She’s having her own little holiday and being spoiled completely rotten. Hope you don’t mind.”
“Mind?! Are you kidding? I’m jealous! Next time they text, tell them Auntie El says ‘thank you for watching her baby and to give Pickles extra kisses.’” I glanced back down at the itinerary again.
“Well, I think it goes without saying that the last thing I would find relaxing is sitting in forced silence with my mother, so I guess swinging from the trees it is.”
“Good. I think that’ll be a great chance for you to try to get to know Keith a little better,” Marin urged.
I curled my lip in objection. “Why?”
“Um, because he’s marrying your mother and de facto becoming your stepfather?”
“Stepfather? Please, I give their marriage six months. And that’s being generous.”
Marin cocked her head to the side and pursed her lips in disapproval. “I was chatting with him a bit yesterday by the pool, and he seems like a really decent guy. Did you know that before he became a data solutions architect he was a Navy SEAL?”
My head shot up. A Navy SEAL?! Navy Walrus, maybe? His dad bod and the way he lumbered around the pool didn’t exactly scream elite Special Forces. “Navy SEAL? Really?”
“Yeah. And he’s got some pretty wild stories from back then.”
“Wow, I didn’t realize I’d been replaced as your best friend. Just how long did you two kiki for anyway?”
She shot me a look. “He’s nice, El. Different from the others. Like how Leo’s different from the others.”
Hard as I tried, I couldn’t hide the shift in my expression when she mentioned Leo.
“What? What’d I say?” Marin pressed.
“I wasn’t totally honest with you about Leo when I asked you to be my plus-one and play defense with my family. Leo does have to work, but we also had a fight a few nights before I was supposed to leave for the wedding. He thought we needed to take some space from each other.”
She sighed, her frustration apparent in the rigid bend in her posture as she flung her hands in the air. “I knew you’d do this.”
“Do what?”
“Throw away something this good with both hands.”
“That’s kind of unfair, isn’t it?”
“Is it? You know, I used to think your whole radio schtick was a persona, like how, I don’t know, Howard Stern is a jerk on the air but supposedly actually a nice guy in real life.
But the longer it’s gone on, the more I’m starting to wonder how much is an act and how much is just who you really are now. ”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I planted my feet, standing my ground. “I’m the same me I’ve always been. Brutally honest. Sharp and unfiltered.”
“No. This isn’t just about Leo. I saw it in your face the second Matty arrived.
It’s your fear of letting love in, of being vulnerable again.
So you pushed him away, guarding against pain you’ve already decided is inevitable.
If you keep at this game, one day it’ll be just you and that stupid hamster because you’ll have driven the rest of us off in the name of self-preservation. ”
“Pickles is a guinea pig! And what, you’re my therapist now?” The words came out harsher than I meant, but it was easier to charge at her than admit she was right.
“No. I’m your friend. Your best friend.”
“I know, and I’m sorry I bit your head off. It’s just that Matty being here, on top of my mom and dad . . . and everyone else, it’s, it’s a lot. I’m not handling it as well as I could be, I know that.”
“It doesn’t have to be this way. You could have another ally. You know, the best thing about letting people in is it means you don’t have to handle everything on your own.”
I knew she was talking about Leo, and I didn’t want to hear any more about it. My head was already swimming. “I should get going. According to the itinerary, the bus for the ropes course leaves in ten.”
I stuffed some sneakers, a water bottle, and a few other things into my backpack, and just as I was turning to leave, Marin called to me.
“Promise me you’ll give Keith a fair shot, okay? Remember what I said about letting people in.”
“I will,” I mumbled half-heartedly.
“Elliot Rose West,” she said, arching her right eyebrow.
“Okay, okay, I’ll try. How ’bout that?”
She rolled her eyes, shook her head, and muttered, “Close enough.”