At Last #5
“Yes.” Gut churning, he raised his gaze to hers.
“I’m the one who wanted to return to Melrose.
For a riding party scheduled for the following day.
” A bitter sound escaped him and he pulled his hands from hers to press the heels of his palms against his throbbing forehead.
After drawing a shuddering breath he continued, “The carriage threw a wheel and went over a rocky ledge.” The sickening sensation of the carriage rolling over and over tightened his stomach and the sound of his mother’s and Fia’s screams, mingled with his father’s and Ian’s shouts echoed through his mind.
And then the silence … the terrifying silence.
He dragged his hands down his face. “I lost consciousness. I don’t know how long for. When I came around, I discovered that my mother, my father, my sister Fia, as well as the driver were dead.”
The carriage passed beneath a gas lamp, illuminating Ian’s features and Sophia’s heart squeezed at the raw anguish in his eyes.
“Dear God, Ian.” She reached out and once again clasped his hands, noting that they were cold and trembling.
“I don’t know what to say other than I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.
And that you must stop blaming yourself. ”
“Why? If I hadn’t been so intent on returning home, they’d still be alive.
They all died, yet I was barely injured.
Just a bump on my head, some bruised ribs and a broken arm.
” He looked at her through bleak eyes. “Why I didn’t die as well?
God knows I wanted to, and God knows I considered taking my own life. ”
The pain in his eyes, in his voice pierced Sophia’s soul and she clung tighter to his hands. “Thank God you didn’t.”
A humourless sound escaped him. “The only reason I didn’t was because the people of Melrose and the neighbouring villages that had depended on my father and Marlington lands for their livelihood now depended on me and the responsibility wasn’t one my conscience would allow me to shirk.
Looking back, I’m not certain how I did it when the mere act of drawing a breath seemed an effort. ”
“I understand that feeling very well,” she murmured. “Losing someone you love is like losing part of yourself. I cannot imagine the pain of simultaneously losing three people you loved.
He nodded, then continued, “It wasn’t the responsibilities of running the estate that confounded me – my father had taught me well.
Indeed, I was grateful to have something to occupy my time.
What I couldn’t tolerate was people looking at me with pity.
And the constant talk of the accident – I didn’t want to talk about it.
The stream of callers never stopped, and as the months passed the callers came to include mothers toting along their marriage-aged daughters.
That’s when it dawned on me that I was one of the most sought-after bachelors in Scotland.
“In the months that followed, I felt like a hunted man. I couldn’t venture into the village without hearing the whispers.
Matchmaking mothers from every level of the peerage sought an audience with me under the guise of sympathy calls, not to mention the women themselves who thought a man in my position required a mistress, or at least a short term liaison.
I finally stopped accepting callers and no longer left the estate.
I soon was referred to as a crabbitty recluse. ”
With his gaze steady on hers, he said, “The day I met you, I’d wandered the estate for hours, reflecting on the horror of the past year and all I’d lost. Wondering how, where I’d find the will to face another year.
To face another day. And then I saw you.
You were like a vision in the sunshine, sent to remind me what happiness looked like, felt like.
I’d been numb for so long, and when I realized you didn’t know who I was, thought I was the groundskeeper, I couldn’t resist allowing you believe it, at least for a little while. ”
He reached out and Sophia’s breath caught when he gently brushed his fingertips over her cheek.
“That first magical afternoon with you was the first time in a year I’d felt anything other than pain and misery.
You saw only Ian – no title, no wealth. You cannot imagine how refreshing, how liberating that was.
Plus, you were clearly no more anxious to speak of the past than I was, a relief to be sure.
After you agreed to send for your things at the inn and stay with me in the hunting lodge you believed was the groundskeeper cottage, I decided there was no immediate need to tell you.
I knew in my heart I needed to, but as the weeks passed I was not only unsure how to tell you, I also feared you’d be so angry I hadn’t been honest from the beginning, that you’d leave.
And I wanted you to stay. More than I wanted my next breath.
But you left anyway. And I had to find you.
To tell you the truth. To beg your forgiveness for being less than completely honest. And to let you know how much our time together meant to me.
” He regarded her through solemn eyes. “Everything, Sophia,” he said softly. “It meant everything.”
Hot moisture pushed behind Sophia’s eyes.
Framing his face between her hands, she said, “I knew the moment I saw you that you’d suffered great loss – it was the source of the immediate kinship I experienced with you.
I simply didn’t know how very great that loss was.
I’m sorry for all you’ve suffered. Sorry you still blame yourself.
It was God’s will, Ian, and something only He understands.
Please don’t blame yourself for living. Embrace the gift of life you were given and live it to the fullest. You’re a wonderful man.
In every way. And you deserve every happiness. ”
A shudder wracked his large frame. He closed his eyes and turned his head to press a fervent kiss against her palm, a gesture that made the area surrounding her heart go hollow. “Thank you, Sophia. Telling you everything … I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”
His whispered words blew warm against her palm, and unable to stop herself, she touched her lips to his forehead. “I’m glad. And for that reason alone I wish you’d told me sooner. And now I owe you the same courtesy – the truth.”
After pressing another kiss against her palm, he leaned back. “I’m listening.”
“I travelled to Scotland because I was desperately unhappy. And lonely … so horribly lonely. Even when I was surrounded by people I felt alone. Not even the company of my closest friends brought me comfort. I prayed that a holiday somewhere I’d never been would cure my melancholy.
That a complete change of scenery, where I knew no one and no one knew me, would help me regain the part of myself that had died along with my husband. ”
“You must have loved him very much.”
“Yes … but not at first. My father, who wasn’t titled, inherited a great fortune when I was fifteen, one he was determined to use to marry his only child into the peerage.
I was apprehensive, especially as Robert was nearly thirty years my senior, but my fears were allayed when I met him.
He was very kind and needed to marry an heiress to fill the empty family coffers.
It wasn’t a love match, but our affection grew into a mutual love and respect.
He was an exceptional man. Intelligent and witty.
A loving husband.” She hesitated, then added softly, “And father.”
Ian went perfectly still. “Father? You … you have children?”
“A son. Edward.”
“How old is he?”
“Fifteen.” As it always did, her heart swelled at the thought of her son.
“He’s a compassionate and extraordinary young man.
After Robert’s death, Edward became the only bright spot in my existence, which I learned is a terrible burden to place upon a child.
Rather than concentrating on his studies at Eton, Edward spent his time worrying about me.
I was bereft last year at the thought of once again being alone when the new school term commenced after his summer holiday.
While I never told him, he clearly sensed my distress because he informed me he didn’t wish to return to Eton.
He wanted to remain in the country with me and be taught by private tutors.
He wouldn’t admit that my melancholy was the reason, but of course it was.
That was the moment I realized I had to fix myself – for my son’s benefit as much as my own. ”
“So you travelled to Scotland.”
“Yes. I promised Edward that if he would focus on his studies at Eton, I would return as the mother he’d known before Robert’s death.
I had no idea how I intended to keep that vow, but I was determined to do so.
Pure chance led me to Melrose. For reasons I didn’t fully understand, I omitted my title when registering at the inn there.
Looking back, I suppose I was trying to recapture the happy, carefree days of my youth, before I became an heiress and was sought after for my fortune. ”
“Not very pleasant – being wanted primarily because of your wealth.”