Chapter 6 The Bump
Something Is Changing
Evan noticed the change one morning when his favorite shirt stopped fitting properly.
It wasn't dramatic.
There was no sudden transformation that made him look entirely different. The shirt simply felt tighter around his middle, pulling slightly whenever he moved.
He stood in front of the bedroom mirror and looked at himself.
For several seconds, he said nothing.
Then he tugged the fabric down.
It didn't help.
His body was changing.
He had known it would.
The doctor had explained that pregnancy would gradually become more visible, that his body would adjust as the baby grew, and that changes could happen differently from one person to another.
Knowing something intellectually was different from watching it happen.
Evan turned sideways.
His stomach looked different than it had a few weeks earlier.
Not dramatically.
But enough.
There was a softness there that hadn't existed before, a subtle curve beneath his shirt that made him suddenly aware of every inch of his body.
He placed one hand against it.
His palm rested there for a moment.
There was nothing he could feel from the baby yet.
Still, the knowledge that there was a life growing beneath his hand made his chest tighten.
He lowered his hand.
"Okay," he whispered to himself.
The word sounded more confident than he felt.
He opened his closet.
For years, his clothes had been a simple expression of who he was. Jeans, fitted shirts, jackets, sweaters. He had never spent much time thinking about whether his body looked different from one day to the next.
Now he stood among rows of clothes and wondered which ones would hide him.
That realization bothered him.
He didn't want to hide.
But he wasn't ready to be seen either.
Evan chose a loose sweater and changed.
It was comfortable.
That was what mattered.
At breakfast, Nathaniel noticed immediately.
Of course he did.
Nathaniel seemed to notice everything about him lately.
"You changed your shirt."
Evan looked up.
"Yes."
Nathaniel glanced at the sweater.
"New?"
"No."
He went back to his coffee.
Nathaniel didn't push.
Evan appreciated that.
But a few minutes later, Nathaniel quietly moved the bowl of fruit closer to him.
"Eat something."
Evan looked at him.
"I'm eating."
"You've had two bites."
"I've had three."
Nathaniel's mouth twitched.
"Then you're making excellent progress."
Evan smiled despite himself.
The morning became easier.
Until he left the house.
The first time someone looked at his stomach, Evan almost convinced himself he had imagined it.
He was standing in a coffee shop waiting for his order when a woman glanced at him, then at his stomach, then quickly looked away.
Evan froze.
His hand instinctively moved toward his sweater.
Maybe she hadn't been looking at him.
Maybe she had.
He suddenly became aware of everyone around him.
A man standing near the counter.
A couple sitting by the window.
The barista calling out orders.
Every glance seemed suspicious.
Every movement made Evan wonder whether someone was noticing.
He took his coffee and left.
Outside, he stood on the sidewalk and breathed slowly.
This was ridiculous.
People looked at people.
It didn't mean anything.
But he couldn't stop thinking about it.
The next week, he noticed it again.
A coworker stared at him during a meeting.
Not long.
Just long enough for Evan to notice.
"You all right?" she asked.
"Fine."
"You seem tired."
"I am."
She smiled.
"You're working too much."
Evan forced a laugh.
"Probably."
He didn't tell her.
He wasn't ready.
The pregnancy still felt like something that belonged to a small circle of people.
Nathaniel.
The doctor.
Evan.
And the baby.
The rest of the world didn't need access yet.
But his body was making that choice harder for him.
One afternoon, Evan stood in his bedroom trying on three different shirts.
The first was too tight.
The second made him look larger than he wanted.
The third was loose enough to hide the shape beneath it.
He stared at himself in the mirror.
Then he sighed.
He hated that he was thinking about hiding.
He hated even more that he cared what strangers might think.
He sat on the edge of the bed.
His hand rested against his stomach.
For the first time, he allowed himself to admit that the changes frightened him.
Not because he regretted the baby.
He didn't.
He had never regretted the decision to keep the pregnancy.
But his body no longer belonged entirely to the version of himself he had known.
Every week brought something new.
Different appetite.
Different energy.
Different shape.
Different emotions.
He was becoming visibly pregnant, and soon there would be no way to explain it away.
People would know.
They would look.
They would ask questions.
And once they knew, they would have opinions.
Evan closed his eyes.
He thought about Richard.
His father's reaction was still complicated enough to make Evan's stomach twist.
He thought about the people who would hear about the pregnancy and immediately ask who the father was.
Then he thought about Nathaniel.
That thought was somehow harder.
Nathaniel had been kind.
Patient.
Protective.
He had never treated Evan like a burden.
But pregnancy had changed the relationship between them.
Evan couldn't deny that.
Nathaniel worried more.
He watched Evan more closely.
He noticed when Evan was tired.
He noticed when he skipped meals.
He noticed every small physical change.
Sometimes Evan loved that attention.
Other times, it made him nervous.
Because there was a question he didn't want to ask.
What would happen when the pregnancy became impossible to ignore?
Would Nathaniel still look at him and see Evan?
Or would he see only the pregnant man carrying his child?
Evan stared at his reflection.
The thought hurt more than he expected.
He wanted Nathaniel to desire him.
Not because he was carrying Nathaniel's baby.
Not because their situation had become complicated.
Not because Nathaniel felt responsible for him.
He wanted to be wanted.
As a man.
As Evan.
He pulled the sweater down again.
The curve beneath the fabric remained visible.
He placed both hands over it.
"I'm still here," he whispered.
The words sounded strange.
He wasn't sure whether he was talking to himself or the baby.
Maybe both.
A soft knock came at the door.
Evan quickly lowered his hands.
Nathaniel stood outside.
"Can I come in?"
"Yeah."
Nathaniel entered.
His gaze moved to Evan.
Then to the clothes scattered across the bed.
"Shopping disaster?"
Evan laughed weakly.
"Something like that."
Nathaniel picked up one of the shirts.
"This one?"
"Too tight."
He picked up another.
"That one?"
"Too obvious."
Nathaniel looked at him.
"Obvious?"
Evan sighed.
"You know what I mean."
Nathaniel put the shirt down.
"You don't have to hide from me."
"I know."
"That's not what I meant."
Evan sat down again.
"I know."
Nathaniel remained standing.
After a moment, he asked, "What's wrong?"
Evan hesitated.
Then he decided to be honest.
"I don't recognize my body anymore."
Nathaniel's expression softened.
Evan continued before he could lose his nerve.
"Every week something changes. My clothes fit differently. People look at me differently. Soon everyone will know."
Nathaniel moved closer.
"You're pregnant."
"I know."
"I wasn't correcting you."
"I know."
Evan looked down.
"I'm just scared."
Nathaniel sat beside him.
"Of what?"
Evan swallowed.
"Of being reduced to this."
Nathaniel didn't answer immediately.
Evan stared at his hands.
"Everyone sees the pregnancy first. The doctors see it. People see it. Even you probably see it."
Nathaniel's voice was quiet.
"I see you."
Evan looked at him.
Nathaniel held his gaze.
"I see the pregnancy because I care about you and the baby. But I don't stop seeing you because you're pregnant."
Evan's eyes stung.
Nathaniel continued.
"You're still the same man who argued with me at Richard's house. You're still stubborn. You're still independent. You still refuse help when you don't need it."
A small smile appeared on Evan's face.
"That sounds like an insult."
"It's an observation."
Evan laughed softly.
Nathaniel looked at him for another moment.
"And you're still the man I can't stop thinking about."
The room became very quiet.
Evan's heart beat faster.
Nathaniel didn't reach for him.
He didn't need to.
The words were enough.
Evan looked down at his stomach.
For the first time that day, he didn't feel quite as frightened by the curve beneath his sweater.
It was still unfamiliar.
Still vulnerable.
Still changing faster than he knew how to handle.
But maybe he didn't have to love every change immediately.
Maybe he only had to accept that this body was carrying a life he had chosen.
And maybe, if Nathaniel continued looking at him the way he was now, Evan wouldn't have to fear disappearing beneath the pregnancy.
Because Nathaniel wasn't looking at the bump alone.
He was looking at him.
At Evan.
And for tonight, that was enough.
Beautiful
Nathaniel noticed the clothes before he noticed anything else.
Evan had started wearing them almost every day.
Loose sweaters.
Oversized shirts.
Jackets that were too large for the season.
At first, Nathaniel assumed Evan was simply choosing comfort. Pregnancy had made certain clothes uncomfortable, and Nathaniel understood that.
But after several days, he began to notice the pattern.
Whenever Evan changed clothes, he chose something that concealed his stomach.
Whenever they went outside, Evan adjusted his shirt before entering a room.
Whenever someone looked at him for longer than a second, his hand instinctively moved toward the fabric covering his middle.
Nathaniel recognized discomfort when he saw it.
He also recognized the effort Evan was making to hide it.
That evening, Nathaniel found him standing in front of the bedroom mirror.
Evan was wearing one of Nathaniel's old sweaters.
It was far too large.
The sleeves covered most of his hands, and the bottom fell well below his waist.
Nathaniel stopped at the open doorway.
Evan didn't notice him at first.
He was staring at his reflection.
His hand rested against his stomach.