Chapter 19 #2
I stopped walking, the concrete warm beneath my feet as I turned, staring up at the man I loved.
The man that was standing in front of me telling me he wanted nothing more than for me to be happy, even if that happiness was with someone else.
I wound my wrists around his neck, balancing on my tiptoes to reach.
‘Well, you have set somewhat of a high bar, Mr Carter—’
‘That is true, I pity the poor sucker that’s got to follow this.’ A smug grin teased his mouth upwards, the seriousness of the conversation disappearing as quickly as it first began.
‘—but I promise to try,’ I whispered, my eyes locking with his before I sealed my vow with a kiss.
That’s when the rain had started. Lightly at first, a fine mist that you could barely feel.
But then the heavens opened, steam swirling around my toes as the raindrops pummelled the warm concrete, soaking us in an instant.
I shrieked, running a few short steps to shelter under a nearby tree, but when I turned back around, Joe hadn’t moved.
He was wet through, his white dress shirt almost translucent as it stuck to him like a second skin.
But he was grinning, face tilted upwards as he welcomed the raindrops chasing one another down his cheeks. He held out a hand.
‘Come dance with me.’
‘You’re crazy!’ I shouted through the downpour, still huddled under the safety of the tree.
‘Maybe.’ He laughed. ‘But life’s too short to wait for the rain to pass, Jenny.’
His words echoed round my head now, demanding to be heard as I remembered how I’d reached out, letting him pull me tight against his body.
Our hips moved as one, a single shadow swaying back and forth on the pavement in the final drops of sunlight.
Joe spun me round, laughter and rainwater ricocheting all around us.
I remembered the flash of Joe’s camera, the click of the shutter echoing in my ears as he took a step back and captured that moment.
Like he knew on some level that I’d need to see it one day.
A single tear rolled down my cheek as I read the title of the piece, a single word in simple font on the plaque beneath.
Life.
A flash of navy caught my eye, dragging me back to the present day.
There it was again. A familiar head of sandy-brown hair weaving its way through the crowd, that distinctive double crown I’d recognise anywhere.
It was him. My heart threatened to leap straight out of my mouth as I jostled my way through the throngs of people, desperate to catch another glimpse.
My elbow collided roughly with someone as I went, but I ignored the pointed tuts and sound of breaking glass tinkling behind me.
The white walls of the gallery blurred as I spun around, frantically trying to spot him amidst the happy, oblivious strangers.
And then there he was. Stood by the open door, hands buried in the pockets of his jeans, looking straight at me.
His unseasonably thick woollen jumper and beaten-up Chelsea boots looked out of place amidst a sea of crisp white shirts and floaty summer dresses.
He gave a small, private smile, as though he’d just had the exact same thought, and then ducked through the door, disappearing into the street.
‘Joe!’ I yelled, without caring who heard me. Not that there was much chance of that. My voice was swallowed up by the buzz of chatter, everyone talking a little too loudly thanks to the free champagne still being circulated on tiny silver trays.
‘Excuse me!’ I yelled, not caring who or what I collided with as I elbowed my way towards the exit.
I lunged for the door, stumbling down the steps and out onto the street, my upper lip beaded with sweat as I looked first left and then right, just in time to catch sight of Joe turning down a side street.
‘Joe, wait!’ I called desperately. But he didn’t stop.
He kept walking, disappearing from view.
I was crying now, running as fast as my legs would carry me.
I couldn’t let him get away. I just couldn’t.
I skidded round the corner, but Joe was still striding purposefully in the opposite direction, as if he had some place more important to be.
‘Just WAIT! ’
My voice echoed down the empty street, rebounding off dustbins and dark shopfronts. Joe stopped suddenly, his chin falling to his chest, before turning slowly beneath the soft glow of the streetlight.
‘Why .?.?. won’t .?.?. you .?.?. just .?.?. wait ?’ I panted angrily, doubling over to catch my breath.
‘Wait for what?’ he asked simply.
‘For me , Joe!’ My voice cracked and I swayed unsteadily on my feet, my knees threatening to give way. ‘Don’t leave me,’ I whimpered, my voice now nothing more than a whisper.
Joe looked up at the night sky, his chin angled towards the stars as he blinked quickly, furiously behind his glasses. And then he was marching towards me, closing the gap between us in six long strides until we were mere centimetres apart.
‘Jenny, look at me,’ he said fiercely. I lifted my head, craning it upwards at a familiar angle to stare into his cornflower-blue eyes that were almost electric behind his tortoiseshell frames.
‘I will never leave you. Never ,’ he repeated slowly, closing his eyes as though the very idea was too painful to harbour even for a moment.
‘I will look for you in every lifetime, Jenny Thompson, in this world and the next, and I will love you there. But you need to stop running from this life. You’re constantly running – from your emotions, from your friends, from any possible chance of something good, of something great .
’ He didn’t say Luca’s name. He didn’t have to. The meaning was clear.
‘It wasn’t enough time,’ I sobbed. ‘You and me, we didn’t get enough time.’
Joe’s eyes crinkled at the edges. ‘No amount of time ever would be.’
I could feel the tears running hot and silent down my cheeks.
Joe’s fingers twitched by his side as though he was fighting the urge to reach out and wipe them away.
My shoulders slumped inwards, the hollow part in my chest aching like it had never ached before.
I nodded weakly, my throat too thick to allow any words through.
My gaze fell to the pavement, counting each cobblestone in turn as I waited for my breathing to slow, working up the courage to confront the very thing that I’d been running from for so long.
I reached fifty-six before I could speak.
‘I don’t know what this feeling is.’ My voice was small, afraid.
An image of Luca growing stronger and more defined inside my head.
Those liquid chocolate eyes. That black mass of hair, the curls at the edges just begging to be twisted through someone’s fingertips.
Those giant hands, permanently ink-stained from scrawling lyrics about heartbreak and new beginnings on the back of used envelopes and takeaway menus.
‘It’s love,’ Joe said gently, his smile unwavering as he coaxed my gaze back up. ‘Or the beginnings of it, at least. So, what are you doing still talking to me?’
My teeth ground together, pain ricocheting through my jaw, but it was only when another kind of pain found its way to my heart that I dared to breathe. Dared to speak.
‘I’m scared,’ I whispered, the admission rushing from my mouth in a single exhale.
‘Scared of what?’
‘Everything!’ I blurted out, wincing as the alleyway repeated my answer back to me.
I was scared of fucking everything. Of what might happen if I let Luca in, my already-punctured heart just one blow away from shattering into a million irreparable pieces.
Of what would happen if I didn’t. Scared of turning the page and starting again when I thought I’d be twenty chapters deep at this point in my life. But most of all, scared of losing Joe.
‘I miss you so much,’ I sobbed, the tears coming thick and fast now. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and bury my face in the scratchy wool of his jumper, to feel the warmth of his body against mine.
‘I know.’ Joe smiled simply, his dimples cutting into his cheeks.
‘And I miss you more than you could possibly imagine. But it’s OK to be scared.
Fear is good. Fear means you’ve still got things in your life you’re not willing to lose.
’ His words hit somewhere deep inside of me, my pulse quickening at the thought of losing Luca.
‘Don’t be afraid to love, Jenny. Love hard.
Scream it from the flipping rooftops, because it’s what makes the ride worthwhile.
You’re never going to lose me, Jenny, I’ll always be here.
’ His hand hovered over my heart, my skin tingling beneath his palm as I let his words sink in.
I don’t know how long we stood there in the dim glow of the streetlight, the air silent and still as though the world had stopped spinning, allowing us this moment for as long as possible.
My breath hitched at the back of my throat as Joe took a single step backwards, and my heart gave an almighty thump for what was about to happen.
Because how do you look at the person you love and tell yourself it’s time to let them go?
Joe took another step back and then another, his boots eerily silent against the cobblestones as he moved further and further away from me, his eyes never leaving my face.
I faltered, my right foot stumbling forwards to try and lessen the gap between us.
‘I’ll always be here,’ Joe repeated calmly, raising his hand to his heart with a reassuring smile.
I mirrored him, my heart pounding beneath my palm as I held it to my chest, tears flooding down my cheeks.
And then he turned and disappeared into the night, the darkness swallowing him whole.
I knew that would be the last time I’d see him.
And although the constant, dull ache that had been there ever since Joe’s death intensified somewhat, I did not crumble.