Jasper
The annual charity ball is being held this weekend, and with the amount of work I still have to get through before then, I’m going to be lucky if I get it all finished in time. As I sign my signature on one of the documents, I hear a knock on my door, then raise my head and see Harley standing in the doorjamb.
“Yes, Harley?” I ask.
“I’m so sorry to bother you, , but there is something Tristan would like to discuss with you.”
“Oh?”
I inquire.
He moves aside, and I see Tristan enter the room, his face covered with … is that fear?
I stop what I’m doing and slide my chair backward, then stand up and walk around the table over to where he is standing by the door.
“Tristan, is there something the matter?”
I notice him shift his eyes from me to Harley, and then back to me again, and I’m not sure what exactly is going on here, but something tells me that these two have been talking. I know Harley well enough now that I can read him like a book.
“Dad, can we sit down, please?”
Okay, this must be serious.
“Thank you, Harley. I can handle it from here,”
I tell him.
“Actually, Dad, I asked Harley to stay.”
Harley steps into the room and closes the door behind us. He makes himself comfortable on the armchair in the corner of my office while Tristan and I sit on the couch.
“Tristan, what’s going on? You’re starting to scare me.”
I’ve seen that look on him before. It was right after Todd died and Tristan started to shut himself out from everyone and everything. For weeks after Todd’s death, he wouldn’t talk to me. I knew it was just part of the grieving process, so I didn’t take it to heart, but when his grades started to slip, I had to go down to the school and speak with his teachers who agreed to give him some grievance under the circumstances. They gave him extensions on his tests and assignments and offered him support whenever he needed it. At one point, I had to take him to the doctor to make sure he was okay because I was certain that he had depression or something. When the doctor assured me he was fine and that it was just his way of dealing with grief, I let it go.
“You need to sign this,”
he says, holding out a folded piece of paper in his hand, one that I recognize immediately.
I take it from his grasp and unfold the document, and the first thing I see is a big F written in bright red ink. I let out a long sigh, close my eyes and lower my head for a few seconds while I let the moment sink in. While I’m shocked, a part of me also isn’t surprised. This family has gone through a lot of changes these past few months with Harley coming to join us. I guess it was only a matter of time before his grades started to slip again, but I’d hoped it wouldn’t be so close to the end of the school year. I just wish he’d come to me sooner so that I could have helped him and hopefully avoided all of this. I raise my head, and then angle my eyes up at him before briefly pointing them in Harley’s direction who gives me an acknowledging look, whatever that means.
“Tristan, son, what’s going on?” I ask.
He opens his mouth, but it seems as though he can’t find the words to speak. Then he opens it again, then this time he manages to say, “I’m sorry.”
“Son, before you tell me you’re sorry, why don’t you start by telling me what happened? PE has always been your best subject. Why the sudden change?”
He hesitates, then sucks in a deep breath and exhales.
“Dad, what you have to understand is that I’m not failing for the reasons you may think.”
“Okay?”
I question.
“The reason I’m failing is because …”
He stops, then looks at Harley before turning back to me, but rather than finish his sentence, he stares at me with a blank look on his face.
“Because?”
I inquire.
“Because I can’t stop thinking about my teacher,”
he finally answers.
Frowning, I stare at him for a moment until the reality of what he’s just told me seeps into my brain.
“Mr. Zgirski?”
He nods.
“You can’t stop thinking about your teacher because you’re attracted to him, is that what you’re telling me?”
He nods again but his voice is mute.
“Tristan wasn’t exactly sure how to tell you or how you would react. That’s why he asked me to stay.”
“You knew about this?” I ask.
“Yes. A few weeks ago, I was doing the laundry and I came across his report card. At the time, I didn’t know it was his report card. I thought it was a piece of paper that had fallen out of my pocket. It wasn’t until I opened it that I realized what it was. That’s when Tristan walked into the room and told me what happened. I’m sorry if I’ve crossed a line, but he made me promise not to say anything.”
I admire his loyalty to my son and my other two children, and I can’t be angry with a man who is only looking out for my children’s best interests. And I’m grateful that they have found someone they can open up to in confidence.
“You haven’t crossed any boundaries, Harley, and I appreciate you being here with Tristan. He’s very lucky to have someone in his life that he can trust. But, Tristan, what I don’t understand is, what made you think you couldn’t come and talk to me?”
“I was afraid,”
he replies.
“Afraid? Of what?”
“That you would be mad at me for liking boys instead of girls.”
In an instant I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces, my lips tremble and I can’t hold back the threatening tears as they stream down my face. I turn around to face my son, then wrap my arms around him and we embrace in a tight hug.
“Oh, Tristan,”
I weep into his shoulder. “My dear, sweet, handsome, Tristan. I could never be mad at you for something like that, and I don’t know why you would think that I would.”
I continue to hold him close to my body for a few more seconds, rocking back and forth, and I can hear him sob into my chest.
“I’m just confused, Dad. I’ve been feeling like this for a few years now and I haven’t been able to tell you or Dadda because I was so scared and afraid.”
“I’m so sorry,”
I weep. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
“I think I’ll give the two of you some privacy,”
I hear Harley say from the armchair.
“No! I’d like you to stay, I’m … asking you to stay, please.”
“I’m not sure I can be of any help.”
“But you have already, more than you know,” I say.
After a few more seconds, Tristan pulls away, tears streaming down his face. Harley gets to his feet and wanders over to my desk, pulls out a few tissues from the box and walks back over to us and hands one to me, and the other to Tristan. I wipe my tears then blow my nose and Tristan does the same.
“So, you’re not mad at me because I’m gay? Well, at least I think I am.”
“If I did, that would make me a hypocrite, wouldn’t it?”
“That’s exactly what Harley said.”
I look at the man towering over him and give him a smile. He returns the gesture before turning around and walking back to his seat.
“What else did Harley say?”
I ask with a smirk.
“He’s been amazing, Dad. Hiring him was the best thing you did for this family.”
I’ll admit, there was a brief moment in the beginning when I thought that I had made a terrible mistake hiring Harley and bringing him into our home, and not to mention the rocky start between Harley and Tristan when the two of them could barely stand being in the same room as one another. But now all that almost seems like a lifetime ago.
“Yes, he really is. But I’m a little confused as to why you kept it from me for this long. I understand that you were scared to tell me, but keeping this to yourself for weeks wouldn’t have been healthy for anyone. And I can’t even begin to imagine what all this must still be doing to your grades.”
“It’s not that I’m not trying, Dad, I am. Honestly. It’s just that, whenever I’m in the same room with him and the other students, I can’t help but get distracted by whatever he’s wearing or the way he moves. And then all of a sudden, I …”
Not finishing his sentence, he lowers his eyes down to his crotch, and then back up at me, and that’s when I realize what he’s trying to tell me.
“Oh! Oh, I see,”
is all I manage to say.
“It’s actually quite embarrassing. Whenever it happens I either have to stand behind something, sit down, or run out of class.”
“Tristan, while the circumstances are a little unusual and … weird, it’s quite normal for a young man your age to be going through these sorts of feelings. It’s called adolescence, and it can be a very confusing time for someone your age. I’ll admit that it’s not the ideal situation, having feelings for a man who is your teacher, but I can’t say it’s uncommon.”
“What do you mean?” he asks.
“It’s quite common for students to have feelings for their teachers. For some, it’s just a phase that they go through while growing up and exploring their feelings. For others, it can become an obsession and they end up pursuing a relationship and sometimes they get married and have a happily ever after. Not that I am by any means suggesting you pursue anything with Mr. Zgirski. In fact, I’m completely against it.”
“Dad, I would never––”
“I know you wouldn’t. I’m just telling you that I completely understand how you’re feeling. And it all makes sense now why you would be failing; you can’t bring yourself to concentrate in class because you’re preoccupied on him. I think the best thing would be for me to go down to the school and have a meeting with your teacher to discuss your grade. He’ll obviously tell me that you’re performing poorly, but hopefully I can talk him into putting you on some coaching and development plan to help get your grades back up.”
He looks at me confused, and I know all too well how he’s feeling. I was just a young man myself when I came out to my parents, but they accepted me for who and what I was and they continued to love me unconditionally, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do with Tristan.
“Son, it’s not going to be easy. I know that and you know that. But over time, you’ll learn to control your urges and it won’t be so difficult being in the same room with him. It’ll feel just like any other class. And I’ll be here, every step of the way, to help you through it.”
“And me, too,”
Harley says. “Whatever you need, I’ll be right by your side.”
Can this man be any more perfect and irresistible?
Tristan looks up at Harley and gives him a smile through the tears still streaming down his face. Harley returns the gesture with a warm smile of his own, then Tristan gets off the couch and moves toward Harley, then wraps his arms around him in a tight embrace, and I hear him whisper, “Thank you.”
When they pull apart, he turns his head my way, then moves in my direction and wraps his arms around me, and I pull him in for a tight hug. He sobs into my shoulder, and I can’t help but get teary eyed. I hear him whisper into my shoulder, “I’m sorry, Dad. I love you.”
“I love you too, son,” I reply.
After a moment of embrace, Tristan pulls himself away and after shifting his eyes from me, then to Harley and back to me again, he says, “I think I’m going to head to my room and try to do some homework before bed. May I be excused?”
“Of course,”
I tell him.
“Do you need me to bring you anything?”
Harley asks.
“No. I think I need to be alone tonight; it’s been a rather challenging evening. Goodnight, Dad. Goodnight, Harley.”
“Goodnight, son,” I say.
“Night, bud,”
Harley replies as Tristan walks out of my office, closing the door behind him.
Silence blankets the entire room with neither one of us saying anything to the other, and all I can do is stare at the man sitting on the chair beside me. I notice the expression on his face, and it’s not one that I can really describe, perhaps a combination of relief and maybe even happiness as a small smile stretches across his face. I’m not exactly sure what to say to this man because there are a million things racing through my mind right now that I know I want to say but shouldn’t. Honestly, the more I stare at this man, the more irresistible I find him, and that’s something I haven’t felt in … a really long time. As I continue to stare at him, he raises one of his hands and rests it on the back of his head, and I can’t help but notice his bulging biceps, practically bursting through the seams of his shirt.
Why can’t I stop looking at the man?
“Is there something wrong, ?”
he questions, lowering his hand.
“Wrong? No, not at all.”
I get to my feet and wander over to the double French doors that lead out to my patio and stare out into the darkness, my hands in my pockets.
“Why am I finding it difficult to believe you right now?”
I hear him say.
“I don’t know. Perhaps you can read me like a book.”
“I’m being serious, . Have I done something to upset you? Did I cross the line with Tristan?”
“Not at all. Quite the opposite, actually. You’ve been nothing but amazing. Not just to Tristan but the whole family, myself included.”
I continue to stare out the window and I hear him get up out of his seat, thanks to the squeaky-clean leather that Drew spent the last few hours cleaning. Standing perfectly still, I see his reflection through the glass doors as he inches toward me.
“Then why won’t you turn around and look me in the face and tell me that?”
That comment has me swallowing the lump that’s suddenly decided to take residence at the back of my throat. Still keeping my silence, I continue to stare out the window into the darkness and notice his reflection getting closer.
“?”
“Because I can’t,”
I finally tell him.
“And why not?”
Trying to compose my emotions, I slowly turn around to face the man, my hands still in my pockets. I keep my head low, staring at the floor and trying not to look at him.
“?”
The way he addresses me with his tone has me slowly raising my head, and when my eyes are level with his, I see the seriousness in them. It swirls up a whole heap of my emotions.
“Because every time I look at you, all I can see is Todd. The way you walk. The way you talk. How you are with our children. Everything about you reminds me of him. I didn’t really notice it at first, at least I think I didn’t. Maybe I did and I was just trying to convince myself that I was being paranoid or something. Perhaps I was in denial, but one thing I do know is that no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking about you––him––Todd.”
The second the words leave my mouth, I want to take them back again. I feel like I’m betraying my late husband. I never thought I would ever find myself with such emotions coursing through my body leaving me lost and confused.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize that having me around was a constant reminder of your husband. I want you to know that I would never take his place in the kids’ lives, ever. And if me working here is going to be too difficult for you and the children, then perhaps I should look for another job––”
“No!”
I answer quickly. “That’s not what I want at all. It’s just, when Todd died, I never thought I would bring another man into this house, much less someone that the children would grow very close to. And now that you’re here, you’ve brought us so much joy and happiness, something that this family hasn’t had in a very long time. But no matter how hard I try, I just can’t stop these … feelings.”
“Feelings?”
he questions.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s just me being stupid and my emotions getting the better of me, that’s all. Now, I think I’ve said enough, so I might just excuse myself and head to my room.”
I take my hands out of my pockets and walk straight past him, then as I get to the door, I hear him call out my name and turn around to face him.
“Maybe it would be best if I took a few days off. You know, just so you can have some space and clear your head.”
“And why would you do a thing like that?”
“Because I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Honestly, it’s not a problem. I can book a flight and leave tomorrow.”
“That won’t be necessary, Harley. I already told you, it’s just my emotions and I’ll get over it. In fact, now that you mention it, maybe it would be a good idea for me to take a small vacation while you stay here and take care of the house and the children.”
“, this is your home. You shouldn’t have to leave because I’m making you feel uncomfortable. That’s my fault, not yours.”
“Honestly, I think a small vacation is just what I need right now. I’ll book a flight first thing in the morning after I’ve gone and spoken to Tristan’s teacher.”
“, I––”
“Harley, this isn’t open for discussion. My decision is final, I’m going on this vacation, and that’s all there is to it.”
“But I don’t understand why,” he says.
At that very moment, I stare deep into his eyes and keep my eyes locked with his for several long seconds as I tell him, “Because I can’t trust myself to not fall in love with you.”