Jasper
How is it October, already?
This year has certainly flown by a lot quicker than I would have liked. It just means it’s been another year since Todd left us. Sometimes the memory of his passing is too painful to deal with, especially at this time of year because it’s Violet’s birthday tonight, and it’s also Halloween. Todd and Violet had a very special bond, and on Halloween night, we would not only celebrate her birthday but also go out trick-or-treating. Todd would dress up as his favorite horror character, and while I wasn’t a huge fan of horror movies, I would grab a machete from the gardening shed, a pair of old coveralls that I would cover in dirt and wear a hockey mask over my face like Jason Voorhees. The children would dress in their costumes too, Tristan as Pennywise the clown, Kit as Chucky, and Violet as Annabelle. And after she was covered in make-up, it would freak me out because I had a huge phobia of dolls. That’s probably crazy, I know. But seriously, they creeped me the fuck out, and still do, but as long as it makes Violet happy on her birthday, I go along with it and put on a brave face.
It doesn’t get any easier as the years go by. Somehow though, the kids and I manage to get through the night. Then we come back home, make pigs of ourselves over pizza and ice cream, then the children eat whatever candy they’ve collected from their Halloween haul. Afterward, I’m left to play Dr. Daddy as I deal with a lot of very upset stomachs. Glancing at the clock on the wall, it’s just past 4 p.m. I decide to finish up early today, so I can help the kids get ready for trick or treating. But as I leave the office and wander into the living room, I notice Kit and Tristan sitting down on the couch already in their outfits, playing on their phones. Even though it’s been eight months since Harley started working for us, sometimes I have a blank moment where I forget. I’ll then go to do something for the kids, only to find he’s already done it. It’s still taking a lot of getting used to, and after our argument about Kit and what happened at school, we didn’t speak to one another for several days. Not gonna lie. I didn’t like it.
At all.
Nope!
I swear it was like torture, not being able to talk to the man who has brought so much joy, happiness, and laughter back into this house after so many years. And not to mention, whenever I look at him, he’s a constant reminder of Todd, and that’s what makes things even more difficult. But no matter how hard things get, I hold back my thoughts and emotions for the sake of the children and my sanity, and try and pretend that everything is okay.
As I walk farther into the living room, Kit feels my presence and raises his head.
“What’s up, Dad?”
“Nothing,”
I say. “I’m done with work for the day and thought I’d get changed into my outfit and we can start trick or treating early before dinner. Where’s your sister?” I ask.
“In her room. Harley’s helping her with her hair and make-up.”
That has me smiling and my eyes shift from my son’s to the landing at the top of the stairs, then back at them again.
“Your costumes look great,” I say.
“I had to make a few modifications to mine. I’ve grown a few inches since last year,”
Tristan says. I look down at his feet and admire the almost perfect patchwork on the material, to extend the length of his Pennywise trousers. And on his feet, a pair of black chunky boots, which also add to his height. Not that he needs any help in that department. The kid is already over six-feet-tall, thanks to my father’s genes. It skipped my generation and went straight to Tristan. Although Kit isn’t trailing too far behind him.
“Shouldn’t you be getting changed into your outfit, Dad?”
Kit asks. “It’s not Halloween night without Jason Voorhees.”
I give him a smile. And as I make my way toward the staircase, I see Violet dressed in her Annabelle outfit, and Harley standing right behind her.
“Happy birthday, sweetheart,”
I say, kissing her on the cheek. “Your costume looks great. I’d say even better than last year. Did you do something different to your hair?”
“Harley braided it for me, and he made me look creepier than last year. I told him that I’m a teenager now, and Annabelle needed a serious makeover.”
It’s hard to believe that I’m now the father of three teenagers. Only last month we celebrated Tristan turning seventeen and in December, Kit will be fifteen.
“You look very cute, darling,”
I tell her.
“Cute? I’m supposed to look creepy, Dad. Not cute.”
“That’s what I meant. You look creepy cute,” I say.
She eyes me from head to toe, and I know that she’s far from impressed with my little joke, but she’ll always be my little girl, as much as I don’t want her to grow up. So, I shall continue with all the cute jokes for as long as I can get away with them. After she finishes giving me a thorough assessment with her eyes, she runs into the living room and sits down on the couch beside her brothers. I then turn my attention to Harley, who is leaning against the handrail on the staircase. I notice him watching the children, and he must suspect that I’m watching him because he shifts his focus from the kids to me.
“You okay, ?” he asks.
“Fine,” I reply.
“Then why are you looking at me like that?”
he questions.
“I’m just wondering why you’re not in your Halloween costume.”
“I’ve been helping the kids get ready, and Violet’s hair and make-up took a lot longer than I thought. Good thing we started early and left ourselves enough time.”
“Do you have an outfit picked out?”
I ask him.
“I don’t have many choices, but I’m sure I can find something in my closet to wear. What about you?”
“Oh, yes. I have this outfit that I wear every year. I’ve just finished work for the day, so I might head upstairs and get ready. Perhaps you should do the same thing and then we can all leave and go trick-or-treating.”
He nods, then turns and makes his way up the stairs. I look back at the children who are still sitting on the couch, and then I too make my way up the stairs and to my room.
It takes me a little longer than usual to change into my costume, and maybe that’s because all I can think about is Harley. To tell you the truth, he’s all I’ve been thinking about recently. I think after our fight regarding Kit, I realized just how important this man is not only to my children, but also me. As crazy as it all sounds, I don’t think I can ever imagine not having him in our lives. After being in a relationship for so long, I’ve almost completely forgotten how to be a single adult. Todd was my first love, and I thought he was going to be my forever, too. If I’m being completely honest with myself here, I never imagined I would ever fall in love or have feelings for another man so soon after Todd’s death. But the more time I spend with Harley and the more I see him with the children, I find myself drawn to him more and more. That was one of the reasons I went on vacation, because I couldn’t bring myself to face the reality that I might be falling for a man who has only been in my life for a very short time.
I feel like I’m betraying Todd, even though I know he would want me to move on.
It’s obvious that the children are crazy about him, and compared to where we were many months ago, we’ve all come such a long way. After untucking my shirt from the inside of my pants, I move into the closet where I find my Jason costume resting neatly in the corner where it’s been since last Halloween. I grab it and place the outfit on the bed, then grab my boots and put them down at the foot of the bed. I wander over to the mirror where I slowly begin unbuttoning my shirt, and when I raise my head, I see Todd’s reflection staring back at me.
“Todd?”
“Hello, mon cherie,”
he replies.
God, I love how that sounds coming out of his mouth. If I wasn’t working from home, he would greet me with those words whenever I walked through the doors.
“How––how are you here? You’re not real.”
He gives me one of his beautiful, wide smiles. “This is what I love about you. You’re so na?ve. Never one to believe in ghosts or anything to do with the supernatural, and yet here I am standing right in front of you.”
That is true. I never believed in ghosts or anything supernatural. I don’t really know why. I used to tell myself that only crazy and sick people were the ones who believed in those sorts of things and the afterlife. Maybe that’s why I never really appreciated horror movies either.
“Why are you here? You’ve never come to visit me before now. Are you all right? Is anything wrong?”
“I’m fine. And nothing is wrong. Except for the fact that you’re being a stubborn asshole.”
“I beg your pardon?”
I question.
“, why are you stopping yourself from having a chance at happiness, again? Why are you throwing away the one good thing that has walked into your life since I’ve been gone?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say.
“You’re a bad liar.”
He inches forward in the mirror, any farther and he’d pretty much walk right through it and into this room. “, there is a man in another room who is clearly very fond of you, and you’re very fond of him. No matter how hard you try and deny it. And then you run off to my parents and come up with some bullshit story that you’re overworked and swamped and that you need some time away. Then you go and visit your family and tell them a different story.”
“How do you? You were there?” I ask.
“I’m everywhere, mon cherie. I see and hear everything. Think of me as that conscious that’s constantly hanging around the inside of Whoopi Goldberg’s head, driving her absolutely crazy, to the point where even she thought she was going nuts.”
“I can’t … things are just too … complicated,”
I tell him.
“Can’t or won’t? And what’s so complicated about having feelings for another man. And before you try and deny it, please try and convince yourself before you even attempt to make up some lame excuse to convince me.”
This is why the man is–was my husband because everything he just said makes complete sense. Yes, the thought of being with another man terrifies the absolute fuck out of me, and the thought of falling in love petrifies me more. But no matter how dark the moment or how complicated matters are, he always knew the right things to say. Always.
“I’m scared, Todd,”
I finally confess.
“Of what? Being in love?”
“Screwing things up, again. I wasn’t very good at things the first time around, you know?”
“So, you needed to work on your priorities a little. That didn’t make you a bad husband or a terrible father. , the children love you. And they’re growing up beautifully because of you. And no matter where you are, I’m always going to be looking over the five of you.”
“Five of us?”
“You, Harley, Tristan, Kit, and Violet. Wherever you all are, I’ll be watching over you.”
“I can’t do this without you, Todd.”
“But that’s just it. You already are. And thanks to you, the children are going to remember me for the rest of their lives. You’re a great father and lover. Don’t let my death be the reason you never love again. I need you to know that you made the right decision bringing Harley into this home to care for our children. Don’t ever doubt that. I’m happy for you.”
With my shirt open, I lock my eyes with him, holding back the threatening tears and swallowing the lump in my throat.
“Are you, really?”
“Are you kidding? I see the way you smile whenever you talk to him, and the way your eyes light up whenever he walks into the room. I love what he’s done to you and our children, especially Violet.”
God, I so desperately want to just reach out and touch him right now. He always manages to say all the right words at the right time.
“Yes, she certainly adores him.”
“She does. And look at everything he’s done for Kit and Tristan. Being there for both of them during one of the toughest moments of their adolescence.”
“How do you feel about Tristan being gay?” I ask.
“No different. I’m proud of the beautiful, handsome young man he’s become. He’s beginning to look a lot more like you every day.”
I lower my head and stare blankly at the wooden dressing table, not saying a single word as his words seep deep into my brain.
“It’s okay to love the guy, . I love him, too.”
“How the hell can I be in love with someone I’ve only known a short period of time? I mean, it just doesn’t happen.”
“Just like it ‘didn’t happen’ for us? , you and I fell in love pretty much that first moment you sat in my cab. What’s your next excuse?”
“When I lost you, Todd, I couldn’t handle anything. Not the kids, not my work schedule, their schooling. Nothing. But at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to allow anyone else into our home, a home that we created together, to help me raise the children because I didn’t want you to think I was a failure.”
“Oh, . You’re one of the most loyal, dedicated, loving, hardworking men I’ve ever known. You wouldn’t know how to fail. And I’m going to be grateful, knowing that the four of you are no longer lonely. Especially you.”
“You’re talking as though we’re never going to see each other again,” I say.
“, you don’t need me anymore. You’ve actually never needed me. I just wanted to make sure that you were happy, safe, and not alone. And I wanted to make sure the children were being looked after. And now that I know you all are, it’s time for me to go because I have no more unfinished business. I love you, mon cherie.”
He smiles, then slowly leans forward. I close my eyes and lean into the mirror and just as my lips are about to press against the glass, I hear Violet call me from the other side of the door.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
I say, turning around to face the door.
“Are you coming down?”
“In a minute, darling.”
I hear her footsteps move away from the door, and then when I turn back around to face the mirror, Todd is gone. I quickly change into my costume and boots, then walk out of the bedroom and down the stairs where everyone is waiting for me in the living room. Harley has his back to me, he’s dressed in a black robe. He slowly turns around until he’s facing me, and I see that he’s wearing a Ghostface mask, and in one hand he’s holding a rubber knife.
“We’re all ready to go, Daddy,”
Violet says.
“It would appear so,” I reply.
One by one, they begin to walk out of the living room just as Drew enters from the kitchen holding three orange buckets half filled with candy. She hands one to Harley, then one to Tristan and the other to me before wandering back into the kitchen.
Once we’re outside, we walk along the sidewalk. There are a lot of parents out with their children this evening, many of them dressed in rather impressive outfits if I’m being completely honest. One by one, the children take it in turns knocking on every door of the house that we approach, and whenever they are greeted by someone at the door, they throw a stash of candy in their buckets. The children walk ahead of us, while Harley and I walk closely behind them, and when we get to the next house, we wait by the gate as the kids knock on the front door.
“Is everything okay? You haven’t said a word to me since we left the house,”
Harley says from beneath the mask.
“It’s just … Todd used to wear that exact outfit every year for Halloween. That’s why Violet loves it so much.”
“I see. I’m sorry. I had no idea. Scream is one of my all-time favorite horror franchises.”
“Ha,”
I say, as the kids make their way back to us.
“What’s so funny?’
“Nothing. It was Todd’s favorite, too.”
We continue walking along the sidewalk until we get to the next house, then wait for the kids by the gate again.
“It seems that everything I do keeps reminding you of him and I get the feeling that I’m stirring up a lot of old memories for you.”
“It’s not a bad thing, honestly. Yes, there are many things that you do which remind me of Todd, but it’s not like it’s intentional. We were in love and shared many wonderful years together and three children. There are going to be times when things remind me of him. That’s not your fault. I’m the one that needs to deal with it in my own way.”
“I wish I knew more about him. He sounds like a remarkable man.”
“Yeah, he was.”
We spent the next hour and a half wandering the streets. It was starting to get a little cold but I could see that the kids were still enjoying themselves, so I didn’t want to end our evening just yet. And, well, if I’m being perfectly honest with myself, the longer I get to spend out here with Harley, the happier it makes me. I pull down the shirt beneath my coveralls, enough to expose my neckline but still keep me warm. As we continue walking on the sidewalk, I give the man standing to my left the occasional glance, and I don’t need to see his face to know that he is enjoying this moment, just as much as I am.
An hour later, we find that we’ve visited every house in the neighborhood that had someone home, and we’re now standing across the street from our house. The children each look in their buckets at their rather impressive candy haul for the evening. Then, after crossing the street, we make our way back inside the house. Once inside, Harley and I remove our masks, and Drew comes out of the kitchen holding a chocolate cake in her hand with the number thirteen in candles in the center. She places it in the center of the table, which is lined with six plates, then goes back to the kitchen and returns only a few seconds later carrying a tray with mugs of hot chocolate. She hands us each a mug and Violet sits down at the head of the table. Drew lights the candles and dims the lights then we sing ‘Happy Birthday.’
After we’ve each had a slice of cake and a warm drink, and after giving Violet her presents, the children and Drew say goodnight before heading to bed, leaving me alone with Harley. He picks up the dirty plates from the table and brings them to the kitchen and I give him a hand. After placing the dishes in the dishwasher, we both move into the living room.
“Well, if there’s nothing else you need, I think I’m going to go to bed,” he says.
“Actually, there is one small thing I’d like to discuss with you,” I say.
“Sounds serious,”
he replies, taking a seat on the couch.
“No, nothing serious at all.”
I take a seat on the armchair next to him, then slide forward so that I’m only about a foot away from him. “As you know Christmas is coming up. Every year, the children and I head to my lodge. It’s by the lake near the mountains. I would love it if you could join us this year.”
He considers me for a moment but doesn’t say a word, then he leans forward on the couch. “You really want me to come along?”
“Of course. You’ve worked hard all year, and I think it’s time we all had a proper break as a family. I usually finish up my business matters with Candy two weeks before the holiday season starts, and then we drive to the lodge. It really is lovely out there, I know you’ll love it. I also have a boat that we take out onto the lake. And if you’re feeling really adventurous, we could go fishing, too.”
That has him chuckling.
“I can’t fish to save my life. But I do like the idea of a boat ride. Sounds very peaceful.”
“It is and also quite therapeutic believe it or not.”
“I’ll take your word for it. Sure, I’d love to go,”
he finally answers.
“Perfect. Well, thank you for a wonderful evening, I know Violet had a wonderful birthday.”
We get to our feet and he looks at me for a few minutes. After giving me a smile he says, “I should head to bed. Goodnight.”
He turns and makes his way toward the stairs, and I call out after him.
“Yes,”
he replies, turning around.
“Could you …”
I move toward him, then place my palm on his cheek and say, “think about this?”
I then lean in and press my lips to his in a sweet kiss.
It’s nice, and damn, his lips feel great pressed against mine. After a moment, I pull away and say nothing at all and just walk away like nothing has happened. I walk into the living room and sit down on the couch, pull my phone out of my pocket and begin scrolling through my messages. I sit for a few minutes, looking down at my phone when I hear him say something as he re-enters the room and moves toward me.
“Yes. And why don’t you think about this.”
He leans forward then angles his head down at me so that our noses touch, and he presses his lips against mine, imprinting me with a seductive kiss of his own. When he pulls away a few seconds later, I’m left not only speechless but almost too paralyzed to move. Harley walks out of the room and climbs up the stairs. With a wide smile on my face I slump back into the couch.