Chapter 20
HANNAH
Luke gets up and walks out and the minute he does, tears start.
Evelyn sits across from me sorting change from her purse to pay the tab and I cover my face with both of my hands.
I don’t know if Luke somehow knows, but the way he was talking to me made it seem like he does.
At the very least he suspects something, and I can't keep hiding behind the excuse that I'm stressed or tired.
I have no logical reason to be stressed now.
With Mr. Dorsey handling the festival stuff, I have nothing but my business, and that's not stressful at all.
"Are you alright, sweetheart?" Evelyn asks, and I lower my hands so she can see my tear-streaked cheeks.
"I don’t know. I'm just…" She waits patiently for me to collect myself as I pick up the paper napkin and wipe my face.
Now is not the time to break down and let it all come gushing out, though I trust Evelyn wouldn't blab my news all over town.
I just don't know how to hold it together anymore.
I can't keep avoiding life because Luke might happen to see me.
"You really like that man, don't you, honey?
" When I look up into her eyes, I see a motherly softness even my own mother doesn't possess.
She looks right through me, like I'm as transparent as the window we sit beside, and I feel my cheeks burning as I nod.
"Oh, sweetie, it's okay." Her hand reaches over and takes mine, and she squeezes it gently.
"It's not really okay, though." Luke Maddox was driving the car that killed my brother, and falling for him wasn't supposed to happen. I'm supposed to be mad, right? I'm not supposed to catch feelings for him, and I'm definitely not supposed to have had sex with him.
With a knowing expression she smiles and says, "Hannah, you have way too much pride to accept it, but people can be forgiven.
" She leans forward, lowering her tone so no one else can hear her.
"And Luke is a good man, honey. He was just a child…
Imagine if you made a poor choice when you were a child and people never let you forget about that your whole life. "
Her words make more tears come, and I can't stand it anymore.
She's right, but I hate that it makes me feel so petty for not forgiving him.
I also feel deep shame for letting this bother me for so many years and a burning fear that those who can't forgive Luke will judge me because I'm not still so angry I could choke him.
"I should go," I tell her as my mind begins to make itself up.
I have to tell Luke the truth—maybe not that I'm falling for him, but that I'm having his baby.
It isn't fair to me to have to deal with the fear of what this means for my future all alone.
And it isn't right that he would get a free pass to not have to take any responsibility.
Those moments we shared had two players, and he has to do his part in this.
"Alright, honey. I'll see you tomorrow?"
I nod at her, too emotional to remember exactly what tomorrow is and why I'll see her, but I'm sure it's on my calendar. Evelyn stays at the table as I slip out, heading for the door before anyone else sees me crying, and duck into the dusky evening air.
The sky is gunmetal gray as I make my way back toward the marina.
It's more than a twenty-minute walk but it gives me time to think through what I'm going to say to Luke.
I don't want to blow up his whole world, but I don't want to keep hiding, either.
If I just keep it strictly to the facts, it will leave the element of emotion out of it.
And hopefully, he will see that I'm trying to be mature about this and not break down.
If he wants to react poorly, that will be on him, then, not me. I will have done my part—albeit a few weeks later than maybe I should have. But the relentless turmoil of carrying this secret will be off my chest and I will be able to sleep at night again.
When I finally stroll onto the pier, I see the light in Luke's office window still on.
It figures he came back here. He has no friends in town yet, even being home four months now, and most of the time when he is out and about, I hear it from people I know.
The town still wants to ride his case—the troubled teen who let his best friend die and then ran off.
I know why Evelyn waved Luke in for dinner and why she said what she did.
As much anger and hurt as I still carry, I know blaming adult Luke for something teenage Luke did is foolish. He's not the same man, which he's proven time and again. I have to let this go before it destroys me, if for no other reason than my own mental health.
I knock on the door and he calls out for me to come in, but when I step through and shut the door behind me, he looks surprised to see that it's me.
"Hannah?" Luke stands and walks around Frank's old desk, standing with his arms crossed over his chest. I'm shocked he still has that desk. Frank would be honored. "What are you doing here? I thought you were going home."
My belly flips. This is the moment I've been dreading for weeks now, and there is no reason for me to be here at his office. I did tell him I’d be going home, but when I did, I meant it.
It wasn't a lie. Closing my eyes, I suck in a breath that's meant to calm me but instead, it makes me feel lightheaded, which has been happening more often lately.
"Are you alright?" Luke asks as I open my eyes. There's no easy way to do this, and I'm thankful we have privacy, but he's so close and every part of me wants to feel comforted right now.
"Luke, I'm pregnant," I say calmly, though every part of me is anything but calm.
I watch his eyes go wide as he backs up, lowering his hips to sit on the edge of the desk.
He blinks a few times but says nothing, though his hand rakes through his hair nervously.
And the lack of verbal response causes panic to swell in my chest. "Well…
say something," I urge, swallowing the lump forming in my throat.
"I, uh…" He sighs and looks frustrated for a second, then scrubs a hand over his face.
When his eyes meet mine again, they're full of compassion, like he knew this was coming and has had plenty of time to think through how he'd respond.
"Are you okay? You feeling alright?" He stands then, pacing over to me. "Have you seen a doctor?"
But when he reaches for me, I take a cautious step backward.
This isn't a ploy to get him to want me or fall for me.
This is a statement of fact. I have to remind myself of this because right now, my emotions are so stirred up and confused by the hormones raging through my body, it'd be easy to convince myself that I want to be with him. I'm not sure that's the case.
"I'm pregnant, Luke, not sick." I don't mean to spit the words out in a tone, but that's how they come out, and when he cradles my cheek, I almost push him away.
"Hey, shh. I'm not mad, okay?" His thumb brushes my cheekbone gently, so soft I could be lulled into believing he cares. "It's okay. You know, I've always known I wanted to be a dad someday."
Oh, my God, my heart. It flips and lurches, and my body responds to his touch, wanting to melt against him.
But this is a man I've hated for all of my adult life. I should never have slept with him, and now I’m pregnant.
It's not some fairy tale where the war hero comes home and sweeps a woman off her feet.
We have really bad history. I can't just look past that. What would Nick think?
I am going to have to co-parent with him, and everyone in this town is going to know I betrayed my brother by having sex with his killer.
God, even that word stains my conscience now.
Luke didn't kill Nick. I'm mature enough to know accidents happen, but someone has to take the blame, right? It has to be someone's fault.
"Okay, so we'll deal with it. I can help pay for doctors and we can do visits. If you need help with—"
"No, Luke," I say curtly, trying to pull away.
"I can't do this. I don’t want to talk about this right now.
" More tears well up and burn hot streaks down my face.
He's not supposed to be happy about this or accepting.
This isn't how I pictured it. I thought anger and denial would be his response. Not this.
"Hannah," he says, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me into his hard body.
The way he does it so possessively makes me shudder.
It's so calming to feel his strength when I feel so weak.
It's also scary to think how easily he can do this to me—make me calm and steady when I'm feeling terrified.
"I'm not letting you push me out anymore, okay?
I'm here, and I want to talk about this. "
Luke leans in, pressing his lips to mine, and I can't resist him.
It's such a light, lingering kiss that it draws me in and makes me forget myself.
This is everything I have ever wanted. A man who is strong and confident, someone who will put my needs before their own, someone who wants the best for me, and who supports me and encourages me.
I have wanted this fairy tale feeling my whole life, and now I have it.
But it's Luke Freaking Maddox, and I can't wrap my brain around how twisted Fate's sense of humor is.
Still, I kiss him back feeling my body get hungry to be with him, not because I am sex-crazed or horny.
Because I crave the comfort of being fully seen and fully known by this man.
It terrifies me and my hands rise to his chest and push gently.
My forehead presses to his as our lips part, and I suck in a breath. "Luke, I know we have to talk but right now, I'm a mess. I can't do it right now." I blink and my eyes shed more tears.
"Hannah, please stay with me. Don't walk away and say we'll talk another time because I know we won't." His hands are still claiming me, holding me by the hips so I can't back away. "You have been hiding from me and I've known something was up."
"Luke, please," I whimper, pulling back harder. Everything in me wants to listen to him and stay, but I can't let this overwhelming chemistry and emotion derail my future. I have plans that don't involve him. I can't throw that away just because I'm having his baby.
"Hannah, no. I'm not wanting you to stay for sex. I want you, Hannah. And I—"
"Stop," I say firmly.
"No…" Luke backs away but he shakes his head. "You've been letting things from our past scare you from what you know in your heart is the right thing, and now the universe sends you a sign that we belong together and you're ignoring it."
His eyes blaze with emotion. He looks hurt. And that pain goes straight to my chest like a dagger.
"I promise, we'll talk. I just need some time, okay?"
I can't even look him in the eye as I turn and let myself out, and with every step back toward my car, left in the parking lot when Evelyn picked me up for dinner, I sob.
I can't.
I just can't fall in love with him.
And he can't just talk to me like that… like he actually wants me.