Chapter 18 #2
“It wasn’t my intention to make things weird,” I said, unsure of how to navigate the conversation but knowing we couldn’t leave it untouched.
“It felt like the right thing at the time, like there was an opening after...” My words trailed off, remembering how close we had been under the awning, the rain soaking through our clothes.
For a moment, it felt like everything else had disappeared.
“I know it did,” Sadie replied, her expression unreadable.
She took a deep breath and walked over to her desk, sitting down in her chair with a heavy exhale.
“But I’m still figuring out what it means for us.
I mean, it’s one thing to kiss like that.
It’s another thing to understand where it leaves us after everything. ”
I could hear the unspoken truth behind her words, the fear of letting me back in too quickly.
I wanted to assure her that I had no agenda, but I wasn’t sure how to articulate it.
Instead, I just sat forward in the chair, resting my elbows on my knees.
“It doesn’t need to mean anything more than what it was, a moment of relief maybe, but that doesn’t mean we rush to figure out what’s next.
” I paused, the honesty of it all settling between us.
“I don’t want you to feel any pressure, Sadie. ”
She let out a small laugh, though it wasn’t a sound of amusement, but something closer to frustration. “It’s not that I feel pressured. It’s that I want to make sure we’re not just using this to ignore the things that still aren’t fixed.” There was no anger in her voice, just an exhausted honesty.
I stood up slowly, wanting to give her more space but feeling the need to say what had been sitting on my chest all day.
“I’m not ignoring anything, and I’m not rushing,” I told her, looking at her directly, my voice sure.
“When I kissed you, it wasn’t about fixing us or making some big statement.
It was just wanting to be close to you again. ”
Sadie met my gaze then, and for a brief second, her resolve cracked, a glimmer of softness in her expression.
She sighed again, the weight of the conversation lingering between us.
“I don’t know where this leaves us,” she finally admitted.
“I just know I don’t want to lose what we’ve gained these last few weeks, even if it’s confusing. ”
“You won’t lose it,” I said, stepping closer but careful not to crowd her. “I don’t want that either.”
Sadie nodded slowly, as if the answer wasn’t enough, but it was a start.
She wrapped her arms around herself, a small gesture of protection that didn’t go unnoticed.
We both understood this wouldn’t be solved in one conversation.
We were too complicated for that. The years of history between us couldn’t be undone with a few heartfelt words.
But at least it felt like we were trying, like we were finally acknowledging the mess instead of stepping around it, and for now, that small step forward meant more than any grand gesture could.
“But I was wondering,” I continued, not sure if I should even do so, “if you wanted to sleep in your own bed tonight? You’ve been on that cot for weeks. I can sleep in the spare bedroom.”
“Are you asking because you want me home or because I look tired?” Sadie asked. There was a bit of the old Sadie there, the one who wasn’t afraid to put me on the spot and make me work for any of her approval. She had a point, and I didn’t want to take the easy way out of this.
“Maybe it’s both.” I couldn’t lie to her.
There had been a small part of me that wanted her to say yes immediately and just pack up her stuff and move back.
But the bigger part of me wanted to give her the option to come home if that was what she wanted.
“I’m just giving you an option. You don’t have to decide today, or even tomorrow.
But if you’re ready to move home, then you should sleep in our bed again, not that cot. ”
“We?” She let the single word hang in the air. I wasn’t even sure if she was talking about sleeping in our bed or about coming home, but the question was clear.
“I miss having you in our home,” I clarified. I would have done anything in that moment to get her to understand that I wanted this to be her choice, and it was not me manipulating her into it.
I saw something change in her eyes. It was subtle, and if I had blinked, I would have missed it. But her resolve seemed to melt away slightly. “You make a tempting offer. I can’t think of a night recently where I’ve slept well.”
“So sleep in the bed where you belong. Your husband being beside you is optional and completely at your discretion.” I knew she understood that.
I wasn’t trying to tie us up in knots about where I would be.
“I’m not trying to pull the rug out from underneath you or change our new routine.
But I do think we both need a good night’s sleep, even if the other option is an extremely comfortable guest bed. ”
I thought she was going to agree, that we had crossed a threshold of some kind, but she nodded her head. “You know what? I will take you up on the bed. But you need to respect my boundaries and what I want right now. We’ve come this far, but it can still fall apart with one misstep.”
“I understand,” I said. This wasn’t exactly what I had hoped would come from this, but I didn’t need more than Sadie coming home to be satisfied. That would be enough for today.
She nodded once in acknowledgment. Then she turned back to her desk and began cleaning up.
Her shift was almost over. I would need to head to my car if I wanted to beat her there, and I really wanted to.
If Sadie was willing to give me this chance, then I was going to be waiting to let her inside and get her settled in her home once more.
I wouldn’t be the one to screw this up now.
I slipped out the door, my mind racing. This felt like progress, even if it was fragile.
The air outside was cooler than the climate-controlled engineering floor.
But I didn’t mind. I needed the briskness of the Seattle air to cool my thoughts and give me a clear path ahead.
There were no promises that I could read Sadie perfectly or even make sure we never took another misstep in this marriage again, but we were finding a balance, one I didn’t want to throw away.
There was still time to screw this all up, and I needed to keep that in mind with everything that I did moving forward.