16. Ember #2
But Jack had just spent a week caring for me in a way no one else had. I owed him more than silence and walls.
A boulder rolled onto my chest and made it hard for me to inhale.
“No one has ever…” I tore my eyes away from him, unable to look him in the eyes as I spoke. “No one has ever cared for me like that. I don’t get sick often, but when I do, it’s…I just deal with it on my own. I wasn’t expecting anything more from you, is all.”
He was silent as he put the pan away, then padded to the table to take a seat across from me.
I could feel his gaze on me, even though I stared at my plate.
I picked up the fork and twirled it between my thumb and forefinger, too nauseous to eat—and I knew it wasn’t due to illness.
It was because opening up to anyone felt like an existential risk.
Letting another person in on my feelings gave them access to hurt me. I was terrified.
“Ember, I know we have a contract, and I know…” He sighed, propping his elbows on the table. He rubbed his face with his palms before continuing. “I know things between us aren’t…we’re not a regular couple.”
Why was that painful to hear? Why did him saying that feel like a stab in the chest? It was the truth, wasn’t it?
“But I’m not going to let you lock yourself away and suffer when I’m right here and I can help,” he finished. “Never mind the fact that it was my fault you got sick.”
“I think I’ve just gotten used to taking care of myself,” I said quietly. “I grew up with a single dad too, you know,” I admitted. “And he was nowhere near as loving and caring as you are with Darby.”
Jack’s gaze sharpened. He watched me for a beat. “And your mom?”
“She died giving birth to me.” I let out a bitter snort, gaze sliding away from his. “That’s the reason my dad resented me so much.”
“What? Why? Her death wasn’t your fault,” Jack said, surprisingly emphatic. When I blinked up at him, his brows were drawn and his jaw was tense.
He was angry. On my behalf?
“It kind of was,” I said. “If her labor hadn’t been so difficult, she wouldn’t have hemorrhaged. I’m literally the reason she died.”
His eyes narrowed. “Ember,” he said.
I leaned back, crossing my arms. “What?”
“You’re the smartest woman I’ve ever met.”
I blinked.
“So tell me,” he continued, eyes flashing, “why would you say something so fucking dumb?”
Outrage burned my chest like acid. I set my fork down, my plate untouched. “Excuse me?”
“From the little you’ve told me about your dad, he was a real piece of shit. And he’s dead now, yeah?”
I stared at him. “Yeah. So what?”
“So you don’t have to believe all the shit he shoveled at you!
You were a literal baby. You had no control over the outcome of your birth.
Only a heartless prick would ever blame you for what happened to your mother.
” His jaw bulged, and he jabbed a thumb at his chest. “Take it from someone who knows what it’s like to have a baby daughter who’s got no one to rely on but her dad.
Your father was wrong to put that on you, and you don’t have to go the rest of your life blaming yourself for something that isn’t your fault. ”
I reared back, gulping convulsively. I was having trouble parsing his meaning. His words were thoughtful. They made some kind of sense. But why did he sound so angry?
Angry men always poked that part of my brain that controlled fight or flight. It was the result of having grown up with one stomping around the house, looking at me like I was a good outlet for his rage.
I stood so fast the chair tipped back. “I need to go upstairs,” I mumbled, and I made my escape.
But I was not fast enough. I made it halfway across the kitchen before Jack’s arm went around my stomach, pulling me to a stop. Reaching out, I grabbed the edge of the counter beside me and dipped my chin to my chest, trying to control the trembling of my body.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his lips near my ear. “It wasn’t my place to say that. I’m sorry, Ember.”
His arm was still tight around me, his body a warm wall at my back. I sucked in a deep breath, trying to regain control of my rioting emotions. “Like I said,” I whispered, “Daddy issues.”
Jack hummed his disapproval. He did not let go of me.
And I didn’t move to make him.
It felt too good to feel his warmth, to be ensconced in his strength, his scent, his protection.
“I was worried,” Jack finally said. “You’re such a force of nature, Ember. To see you that sick really rattled me. All because of me. Because I wanted to hold you in my arms and kiss you that day. Selfish.”
My heart banged against my ribs. Slowly, I turned, lifting my gaze to frown at him. “What are you talking about?”
Jack’s gaze moved over my face. “What do you mean?”
“When did you want to kiss me?” Confusion was making my thoughts fuzzy.
Jack stared at me for a beat, and then a smile curved his lips.
It wasn’t his fake charm smile. It wasn’t his teasing smile.
This one was soft and warm, and it made my chest squeeze so tight I had to sip in little breaths past the constriction.
“Ember,” he said, and my name sounded like honey on his tongue.
“What?” I whispered.
“I want to kiss you all the time. Every waking second of every fucking day. That day, when we were at the beach, I just—lost the fight against my own self-control.” His lips twisted. “And you got sick. Because of me.”
A trembling had taken hold of my fingers.
I noticed it when I lifted my hands and placed them on his bare chest. “Um,” I said.
Cleared my throat. I was having trouble making sense of his words.
I reached for the things that always helped me in times of trouble: logic and reasoning.
“You, um, you probably have sex pretty regularly when you’re not…
faking being married to someone. So it makes sense that you would feel…
desire. More desire than usual.” I gave him a sharp nod.
A tremulous smile. “Your life will be back to normal soon,” I reassured him, patting his pecs. Pat pat pat.
Then my butt hit the cabinets. Jack’s hands circled my waist, his hips pinning mine to the edge of the countertop. “You think this is just because I haven’t fucked anyone in a couple of weeks?” he demanded in a low rasp. “This,” I gathered, was the erection prodding against my stomach.
My breath caught. “Isn’t it?”
His eyes were black, with only the thinnest ring of blue showing around the pupil.
“You have no idea what you do to me, do you?” Jack asked, fingers tightening on my waist. “You have no idea that I dream about you. That every time I jerk myself off, I’m thinking of you.
That other women haven’t even crossed my mind from the moment you sat down across from me and told me you’d pay me to marry you.
You don’t realize what you are to me, do you, Ember? ”
“I—” I blinked. Shook my head. Words escaped me. Heat gushed through my belly, flooding down my thighs.
Jack closed his eyes and sucked in a long breath.
His hands loosened slightly, and I watched his throat bob with a hard swallow.
“I know you don’t want this,” he rasped.
“I—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t—I didn’t mean to say that.
It’s just…this week… I’m relieved you’re okay.
Seeing you that sick was difficult for me. ”
He backed away an inch, his hands leaving my waist. When his eyes opened and met my gaze, I knew whatever happened next would change something between us.
If I said nothing—if I ran away—we would go through with our plan. File the certificate. Leave. Divorce.
The thought of it made my chest feel hollow. Like something inside me gave way. Collapsed.
This man had cared for me in a way no one else had. He’d nursed me back to health for days. He’d been there for me in a way I’d never experienced before. Even when he knew that I’d lied on the application, that we weren’t actually right for each other. He still cared.
Could I really go the rest of my life without experiencing this again? Could I go through with my plan knowing that right now, in this moment, I had the chance for something more?
Maybe it would never be love. I knew Jack wasn’t capable of it. I knew that whatever attraction existed here was probably surface-level, or at least temporary.
I was suddenly certain of one thing, though: It wasn’t fake.
My fingers curled over his shoulders, and I stopped his retreat. “Wait,” I whispered. I opened my mouth, but nothing else came out. My chest rose and fell with heavy breaths. My pulse pounded.
“Ember.” He stood utterly still.
There was nothing to do but jump into the frothing surf at the base of the cliff and see if I survived. “I think we should kiss,” I said, my voice barely audible. Then I chickened out and added, “You know. For practice.”
His chuckle was little more than a puff of breath. “Ember,” he repeated, this time full of warmth and humor. “You fucking kill me.”
“Is that…” I arched my brows. “Is that good?”
This time his smile was wide, and his hands slid back onto my hips. They dipped under the sweater and tank top I wore to rest on my bare waist. “Yes,” he replied, closing the distance between us. “Yes, it’s good.”
And then he kissed me.
I was almost used to it now, but the kiss still knocked me sideways.
All I could do was cling to Jack’s shoulders and moan against his mouth.
I drank in the taste of him, pressing my body against his, loving the thrill that went through me when I felt the hardness of his erection against my stomach again.
He groaned as I writhed against him, shifting to kiss my jaw, my neck.
His hand slid up from my waist and cupped my breast.
I wasn’t wearing a bra.
Jack’s reaction was immediate. His hand squeezed, his hips surging. I felt the scrape of his teeth against my neck, and I lost myself to the sensations.
“Take this off,” he commanded, grabbing the fabric of my sweater and tank in a rough grip. “Want to see those pretty tits again.”