18. Cara
CARA
Cara lay very still, her eyes closed, hoping that she could fall back into the dream she’d been having.
In her semiconscious state, she didn’t remember much about it, only that it had been lovely. She had been so happy. She recalled blissful sensations, exhilaration buzzing through her, big, rough hands, a voice moaning her name…
Her eyes flew open.
The ceiling above her head was higher than what she was used to in the guest bedroom at Liam’s house.
This wasn’t that bedroom.
It was real. It had happened.
She closed her eyes again, feeling oddly tearful, her body shivering with overwhelm. She had never meant it to go this far, and yet…she couldn’t bring herself to regret it. She was glad it had happened.
It won’t lead to anything. It can’t. He’s still going to want to end the marriage, and once he does, his public image won’t allow us to keep seeing each other. None of this makes sense if the story goes that we split up and then start dating. It will muddy the waters too much.
It was like a shot of liquor, slowing her revved-up system, bringing her down.
Last night had been so wonderful, but it couldn’t last.
She sat up. The other side of the bed was empty. She reached over to touch it and found it warm. Liam was gone, but he’d been here recently.
Did he have the same thoughts I did? Did he think about what happened and decide it was a mistake? I don’t think it was a mistake. I’m glad we did it even if that has to be the only time. But what if Liam doesn’t feel that way?
She dabbed at her eyes, embarrassed that she was so emotional.
It wasn’t like her to let a man get to her like this.
There’d been hookups before, of course, one-night stands, and she had occasionally felt messy afterward, but never this shaky and distraught.
She had never really minded the thought that there wasn’t going to be a repeat performance.
Why was this different? Was it just that everything had been so good? She had to admit that he was the best she’d ever had. She’d completely lost track of herself while they were in bed together. Even now, the whole thing seemed as if it had been lifted out of a fantasy.
But it was more than that. She closed her eyes, trying to figure it out, trying to understand why she was so affected.
“You all right?”
Her eyes flew open. Liam was standing in the doorway, two cups of coffee in his hand.
He was wearing nothing but his boxers, and for a moment Cara lost her breath at the sight of him.
Those muscles, the planes of his body, his tanned, smooth skin with sparse hair across the chest…
Oh, if I could design a man, this is what he would look like.
Liam came into the room and handed her one of the mugs. “I just thought you might want a coffee,” he said. “I hope I didn’t worry you by being away.”
“No.” How could she explain that her anxiety had been so much larger than simple worry over where he was? “This was really nice of you. Thanks.”
He sat down beside her, turned backward on the bed so that they were face-to-face.
“Is everything all right?” he asked gently, resting his free hand on her ankle.
It was such a strange, intimate way for him to touch her.
There was no agenda in it, no sexual intent, and yet it was impossible to imagine being touched like that by anyone she hadn’t just spent the night with.
It unlocked her. She gave him half a smile and told the truth. “I’m just a little sad,” she said.
“Sad? Hey, that’s not what a guy wants to hear after a night like that one.”
“No. I know. I’m sorry,” she said.
“You don’t need to apologize. But did I do something wrong?”
“Not at all.” She sighed. “You did everything right, actually. That was…amazing. That whole night was amazing.”
His thumb moved slowly over her ankle bone, lighting a smoldering fire that she didn’t want to think too hard about. “What’s the problem, then?”
“The problem is that it’s us, Liam.” She put her mug down on the bedside table and gave him her full attention.
“This is a fake marriage. Nothing about it was built to last. Not that…not that I’m thinking about it lasting,” she added quickly, feeling heat come into her face.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant…
that was a one-and-done thing, and I guess I’m feeling a little sad about it.
Like coming home from a vacation you’ve really been looking forward to and realizing everything is over. ”
A small grin split his face. “So you were really looking forward to that, huh?”
She groaned and buried her face in her hands. “I don’t know why I thought I could talk to you about this.”
“Hey.” He took her wrists and pulled them away so he could look her in the eye. “You know I’m only teasing you, Cara. I know you weren’t expecting it any more than I was. But…well, why does it have to be a one-time thing?”
“When our marriage ends, we aren’t going to be able to go on seeing each other.
” Was it possible he hadn’t thought of this?
It was the first thing that had come to her mind.
“You’re going to need to focus on the image you’re projecting, and it doesn’t make sense for you to be so in love with me that you just had to leave your team, and then divorce me, and then go on seeing me.
What would that look like? There’s no way to spin that into something positive.
People would say you were fickle and flighty, that you couldn’t be trusted. ”
“We wouldn’t have to tell them,” Liam suggested. “We could see one another secretly.”
She laughed humorlessly, shaking her head. “Do you really think that would stay a secret? People would find out. The risk is too great, and I’d never risk doing that to you.”
He squared his jaw. “What if I say you’re worth the risk?”
A shiver ran down her spine.
Could he possibly mean that?
After everything, would he really put his career—his whole life—on the line for her?
Does he care about me after all?
It didn’t matter. She couldn’t let him do it.
All she could think about was that visit to Rose Valley, the look on his face as he had explained how football had saved him from the darkest times in his life.
How it was the only thing in the world that had ever made him feel he was doing something right.
I can’t be the person who takes that from him.
“It’s a risk for me too,” she told him, even though the risk to her didn’t seem to matter all that much right now.
“I’d lose my career. Even if nobody ever found out I was your publicist, Alastair knows, and he’d fire me for getting too attached.
For letting my unprofessionalism ruin everything we’ve been working on. ”
There was a long pause.
“Well,” Liam said at last, “I don’t want you to lose your job.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not that this isn’t important to me…”
“No, but you’re right,” he said. “We should look for another way. We should try to find a way through this that doesn’t mean we have to give up so much.” He paused. “I suppose just staying married is out of the question?”
It hit her like a punch. “Staying married? You don’t want to stay married to me. I mean…that was a great night, Liam, but husband and wife?”
He laughed. “I just mean until we figure things out,” he said.
“I just mean, there’s no real rush for us to go our separate ways, is there?
We can draw this out a bit. I don’t want it to be one-and-done either.
I want to spend more time together. I want to get to know you better.
I know we were going to get divorced as soon as my reputation was repaired… ”
“It’s pretty close to that now,” she said.
“I know,” he agreed. “But I don’t think it’s necessary for us to break up. I’m not saying we have to be all till death do us part about it, but we can spend some more time together, right? We can just…enjoy it. That won’t do anything bad to your career.”
She thought about it. “Alastair would probably like that,” she agreed. “It would be like I was putting in overtime or something.”
“Right. Exactly. And it won’t do my reputation any harm to keep on showing how devoted I am to my wife. And in the meantime, you and I get to…” He trailed off.
“Get to what?” What was it they were doing? Having fun?
Something more?
A smile spread across his face. “We get to find out,” he said. “What we want. What this is. I want to find out, Cara. Don’t you want that?”
It wasn’t an answer. But at least it was a question—and it was the same question Cara herself had. That was promising. Maybe they could find the answer together.
“I do,” she said, thinking back to the last time she had said those words to Liam. They’d been at the altar, and she had been pledging herself to him. But this time was different. This time, she really meant it.
“So then it’s settled,” he told her. He reached over to the table, set his coffee down, and pulled her into a kiss.
Cara melted.
Whatever this was, whatever had been discussed between the two of them…
it wasn’t the solution to their problems. It was just about as far away from that as you could get.
It was just a bandage, and soon enough it would have to be ripped off and they’d need to figure out what they were going to do about this in the long run.
But she couldn’t help the thrill that raced through her at the knowledge that Liam wasn’t in a hurry for that to happen.
He’d enjoyed last night just as much as she had. He wanted it to keep going just as much as she did. And for now, that was enough to ignite a tiny spark of joy in her chest. Enough to make her set aside her hesitation and just enjoy everything that was happening.
They spent the rest of the day together. Cara never retreated to her own part of the house, and Liam never asked her to. They returned again and again to his bed, and every time they did felt like hope springing anew within her. Hope that this could blossom into something really good.
I can’t forget myself. This is a professional relationship. We’re both having a good time, but at the end of the day, he hasn’t promised me anything more than that. I don’t know if I even want anything more than that.
But it was hard to remember that in the face of the most idyllic day she’d had in a long time, and by the time the sun went down, Cara had thoroughly given herself over to just enjoying this new adventure.
Whatever it led to, she would deal with it.
And who knew?
Maybe they would find a way to make it last after all.