Chapter 25 #3
dad from grillin’ you. But then it just went left when we got in the car and you were angry, but I shouldn’t have let it get
as far as it did when I saw how upset you were, but, well, you know how I can—could get.”
“Yeah. We both can dig in.”
“True. Anyway, I don’t think I actually apologized when we talked about it before, and I felt like I should have.”
I nodded for a minute to let everything sink in. This was different, her apologizing, but I liked it. Though I remained confused
on why she’d randomly brought it up last night. It apparently was something she had needed to get off her chest.
“Well, I appreciate it. I do. Thank you.”
Her dad had been pissing me off, so her heart or thought process had been in the right place trying to be a distraction. Everything
that came after, not so much. But bygones.
“You know, when we talked that first night before things went sideways again, we never finished the conversation on kids.”
We hadn’t made it through much of the list, but we had willingness and time.
Sasha took a deep breath then let it out slow. “I guess I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of losin’ you. Would it really be a deal breaker for you if I wanted them and you didn’t or don’t?”
I craned my neck from side to side. “I don’t know, Sasha, would it be for you?”
“I want you, Courtney.”
I reached over, took her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist. “I know you say that, but this is one of those big-ticket topics. You know, one of those issues that couples can’t get past. And I’m not saying we couldn’t, but I also don’t want resentment to grow.”
Doc’s list was extensive, and she had topics color-coded by levels of importance. Kids, finances, and religion were three
she deemed necessary to be on the same page about for a relationship to work. It’d been a year of Sasha dropping not-so-subtle
hints or outright talking about wanting a child. As much as I loved and wanted her, I still remained on the fence about expanding
our family, and I wouldn’t want to stand in her way if having a baby was something she truly desired.
“I know, but—”
“But what?”
“This is gonna sound bad,” she said as she coiled and uncoiled the leash around her fingers.
“You have me as a captive audience, baby.” I managed to get a small laugh out of her at that statement. “Whatever it is, I’m
gonna hear it through. No judgment.”
“No judgment?”
“No judgment.”
Sasha blew out a slow breath. “I don’t know if my reason for wanting kids was because I wanted them or—” There was a pause
as she wrestled with what she needed to say next.
“Or?” I sort of prompted.
“Or, I mean, you knew I just wanted you around, right? And when I wanted somethin’ I didn’t always make the best decisions.
Not sayin’ I’m still makin’ the best decisions. I . . . I’m tryin’.” She briefly glanced over at me. “At the end of the day,
I just wanted you home more.”
I was trying to make sense of what Sasha was saying, or rather what she was avoiding saying. “Wait, Sash, are you saying that you’re trying to baby trap me?”
“Don’t say it like that.”
All I could do was laugh. It bubbled out of me, deep and uncontrollable. I should have been offended or even pissed that Sasha
would consider having a child as a ploy to keep me home, but I couldn’t find it within me to do so.
After a short while, she joined in. “I’m horrible,” she said in between her fits of laughter as she tried to get herself under
control. “I was scared to say anythin’ because I was worried you’d think less of me. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. I do.
I just can’t say my motivations were a hundred percent comin’ from a desire for motherhood. Is that terrible? How selfish
my reasons were?”
The despondency of her tone sobered me up quickly. I took a few deep breaths and wiped at my eyes. There was a lot for me
to process, but one thing was clear, Sasha had been thinking about this a lot. I had to respect her honesty.
“No, Sash, I don’t know that it makes you terrible. Misguided maybe. And—I say this with love—probably a little immature.”
Vuitton stood and shook his tiny body, the rattle of his collar and leash the only sound mingling with the low music on the
radio. The longer Sasha didn’t speak, the more I worried I had upset her, even though that hadn’t been my intent.
Pulling into our driveway, I hit the button to open the garage then put her car in Park without going in, remembering the
tree on top so I wouldn’t knock it off. “Sash, I wasn’t trying to be mean.”
“I know what you’re saying. I get it, and you’re not wrong. But it does hurt to hear you say it out loud. Me from a couple weeks ago would have gone on the defense, but I’m tryin’ to remind myself not to do that.” She gave me a rueful smile. “Growth, right?”
I grabbed her hand again and intertwined our fingers. “Yeah, baby, growth.”
Sasha stretched over the middle console and placed a soft kiss at the corner of my mouth. “Just us is good for me,” she said,
cupping my cheek.
Vuitton wiggled himself between us, causing us both to laugh as he sat on the console. “The three of us.”