Chapter Twenty-Three
Twenty-three
I’ve turned the air-conditioning in the room down to sixty-three degrees. There’s nothing like being at a hotel in freezing temps to have an excuse to tuck into the warmth of the covers and do absolutely nothing but watch trash TV and try my best to get my mind off everything else going on. But it’s impossible to turn my mind off right now. A million worries loop endlessly. It’s like I’m short-circuiting. There’s only so much a brain and a body can take.
I eye my running shoes, set by the door. The Lowen has a state-of-the-art gym, and now that I have protection, I can safely “run it out” on a treadmill. A run will do me good. Except, right—I wince as I stand up, quickly remembering my ribs aren’t exactly ready for that kind of physical exertion. Instead, I grab my laptop charging on the counter and burrow back into bed. My inbox greets me with more grim news. Randa wants to pause on moving forward. Sebastian is inquiring about my refund policy. Four clients wanting to part ways in as many hours—this is the tremor behind a dam about to burst.
I’m done. I have to look away. There’s only so much of this I can take. I’m about to shut my laptop when it begins chirping. An incoming video call. Beenish.
“Et tu, Beenish?” My heart sinks. I answer the call. I’m not going to beg and plead. If she’s made up her mind, there’s not much I can do about it. Though it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt like hell.
The video starts blurry but slowly comes into focus. Beenish is outdoors. Thick palm leaves flutter behind her. The sky in the backdrop is bright and blue. Birdsong sounds in the distance. She’s squinting at me through her phone.
“Can you hear me?” she asks.
“Beenish, before you say anything,” I begin, “I want to tell you—”
“No! Me first!” she interjects. “Nura Khan, I just called to say I love you.”
I blink at the unexpected proclamation.
“Guess where I am right now?” she sings out. “I’m on my tenth date with Nayab.” She’s grinning ear to ear. “We’re off the coast of Florida. It’s so pretty out here! And we get to have some real downtime, you know? Just the two of us.”
“Did I hear that right? You’ve been on ten dates with Nayab in the span of three weeks?”
“Yep.” She beams. “I’ll be honest, I was a touch irritated in the beginning when you made me do all the coaching sessions. I wanted to get on with things, you know? But I get it now. My work with Dr. Higdon was transformative. He helped me see that I did love Austin, but that the relationship was past its expiration date. It’s like you said, he became more of a habit I needed to learn how to kick. Considering we’d been together for nearly a decade, it was a really ingrained habit. But now, with therapy, and the acupuncturist for my nerves, it’s all clicking. I feel like a different person. I feel more like me . And I definitely was in the exact right headspace to meet Nayab. He’s…Nura, he’s a dream come true.”
“Darcy thought you’d both be a great fit. I’ll be sure to let her know!”
“She was one hundred percent right! I know you probably want me to talk to other people, but there’s really no need. I think this might be it.”
We could be done with the conversation here. I could reiterate how happy I am for her and be grateful that I’m not getting fired. But sooner or later she’ll catch wind of the swirling rumors. I’d rather she hear about them from me.
“Beenish, this is the best kind of update. I can’t tell you how you’ve just made my day. While I have you here, I did want to talk to you about something serious.” I hesitate. I just need to say it. “There are rumors going around about me. About mistakes people think that I’ve made as a matchmaker.”
“Oh, that?” She waves a hand. “I heard all about that ridiculous nonsense.”
“You—you did?”
“Don’t worry. I shut it down immediately.”
“Wow.” Tears fill my eyes. “Thanks, Beenish.”
“Anyone who believes the haters is missing out. I know how amazing you are. Your agency is the best thing that ever happened to me.”
When we’re done talking, I lean back against the pillows. A wave of relief rushes over me. Beenish heard the rumors but didn’t turn on me. One client who trusts her own judgment over rumors won’t be enough to save my business, but I’m going to savor this moment.
I close my laptop and set it on the nightstand next to me. My stomach rumbles. I realize with a start that I haven’t eaten all day. Before I can grab the hotel phone to order room service, there’s a knock on the door. Reluctantly, I extricate myself from the warm cocoon of my bed and pad to the door.
It’s Azar—one of the people on my very short list who needs no vetting by Fiona to come through. Except we haven’t been talking. He’s holding two bags with Lee’s Pho stamped along the sides.
“Auntie told me where you’re staying,” he says. “Figured I’d bring you some comfort food? I can…I can leave it with you.”
He’s looking at me with baleful eyes. Food. His love language. His apology.
“Come in.” I open the door wider.
Back in my room, Azar glances around. “Is the air conditioner on the fritz?”
“I like a chilly hotel room.”
“Then the pho is even better timed.”
“You didn’t have to bring dinner.”
“Your stomach begs to differ. I can hear it all the way from here.”
“Damn traitorous belly.”
It’s so easy to slip into our usual routine. I want to resist. The argument is still fresh in my mind. But it’s Azar. And as he sets the bags on the round table by the window overlooking the glittering Atlanta skyline, I understand now that we won’t be forever, but I’ll have him in my life as long as I can.
When he unlatches the first container, the lemony scent fills up the room.
“Nice digs,” he comments.
“I’ve been saving all these years for a rainy day,” I tell him. “And right now it’s pouring.”
“I still can’t believe you have a personal security team. I’m glad you have it, but it’s chilling to remember why.”
“When living in strange times, do strange things?”
He sets down a gym bag he had draped over his shoulder. Unzipping it, he pulls out ceramic bowls. Two soup spoons.
“You have a microwave, right?”
“Did you really stop by your house to get silverware and bowls?”
“How else are we going to eat this properly?” he asks.
“You’re as bad as my aunt.”
“Or as good?” He grins.
He prepares the soup as I sit down at the table. When I take a sip of the brothy concoction, it fills me with warmth.
“How are you and your aunt these days?” he asks.
“I keep meaning to call her and have a proper conversation about everything, but life has been a bit much lately.” I gesture to the hotel.
“That would be an understatement. This is a great hotel, though.”
“It’s worth every penny. I even splurged on a spa pedicure yesterday, though I should probably be more careful now, as I’ll soon be penni less .” I fill him in on the Great Client Exodus.
“Nur. That’s awful.”
“I don’t think it’s fully hit me yet. Everything my grandmother began, that Khala built…it might end with me.”
“It won’t. Beenish stuck by you, right? She won’t be the only one.”
“I wish I had your confidence.”
We finish our meal in comfortable silence. The constant buzz of thoughts settles the slightest bit with him sitting across from me. It’s among the top things I love about Azar’s company. Our conversations always nourish me, but our silence together can be equally fulfilling.
“So how long are you staying at Casa Lowen?” he asks when we finish up.
“Not sure. Another week? Forever?”
“I suggest tonight be your last night.”
“Time for me to put on my big-girl pants and deal?”
“Time for you to come to my place.”
“I can’t impose on you like that.”
“It’s not imposing if you’re invited.”
“How long does that go on?” I ask. “Am I just supposed to move in forever?”
“Sure. Stay indefinitely.”
“The guy who irons his scrubs and arranges his shirts by color and size wants me invading his space?”
“Actually…” He tilts his head and looks at me. “I do.”
My heart skips a beat.
“I’m sure Zayna would love that.”
“Yeah, well.” He looks away. “We’re over.”
I straighten. “What happened?”
“It…it wasn’t working out.”
“You looked about as serious as I’ve ever seen you with anyone.” Oh. He really liked her. And their relationship was ruined because of me. “Is it because of your trip to Helen getting canceled? Khala shouldn’t have called you. I can explain it to Zayna.”
“It’s fine. Really.” He looks at his empty soup bowl. If it’s fine, why does he look heartbroken? My own heart hurts to see him this way. Whatever went down between them, it’s still raw. I won’t press.
“How about dessert?” I ask, hoping to change the conversation.
“I knew I forgot something.” He gives me a sheepish look.
“Room service to the rescue.”
Twenty-five minutes later, I grab the two bowls of brownies and vanilla ice cream from the door. Azar lifts the remote from the nightstand.
“Can’t let anyone else be in charge of the remote, can you?”
“It’s the one measure of control in my life,” Azar says.
“Have at it.”
He turns on the television and flips the channels.
“Not sure I remember watching live TV,” I say.
“It’s a surreal experience.”
“Hold up.” I shoot out my hand and grab his arm. “That’s our show. Wild . Go back a channel.”
“I thought you didn’t like to watch episodes out of order?”
“Comfort brownies require comfort viewing.” I get on the bed and scoot over to give him space to sit facing the television.
“Fair enough.” He settles on the edge.
“I hate it, but I rarely have time to watch a show all the way through anymore,” I admit.
“The last time I watched an entire season of Wild straight through was in college. I wonder if they still have the same survival-pack options they can bring along to help them.”
“You know they all pretend they didn’t choose the beef jerky, but tell me how Jax survived six weeks on bark soup alone?”
“Some of them are real lightweights.”
I look at my bowl of ice cream and brownies. “We wouldn’t last a day out there.”
“Not true,” he protests. “We’ve camped before.”
“Are you referring to the tent we staked out in your backyard? When we were ten?”
“It was still camping.”
“We ran straight back into the house when that owl began hooting.”
“That owl was spooky!”
The hum of the air conditioner stills. I shift. This moment, both of us sitting on the bed, the television on in the background, talking about the most random things—all of this is bringing me back to a day I try so hard to forget.
“Penny for your thoughts?” he asks.
I shrug as casually as possible. “I was thinking of college. We took it for granted, didn’t we? Hanging out like this.”
“We really did.”
“This was our ritual. Grab a bite and head back to the dorms to watch this show every Thursday at nine o’clock.”
“We stayed true to that, all the way to the very last night.”
I tense. Did he really bring it up?
“Still remember that, huh?” I say lightly.
“Of course I do, Nur.”
I want to make a joke. Shift the conversation, anything to distract him from that moment, but he speaks again.
“I think about that night all the time.”
“I’m mortified.” I groan.
“Why?”
“Really?” My cheeks burn. “I nearly destroyed our friendship.”
“Our friendship isn’t that flimsy, Nur. I know we were a little loopy from being so sleep-deprived. It was finals week. It happens.”
Let it go. He’s given me my out. I can agree and say that’s all it was. The show is back from commercials. We can go back to watching. Eat our desserts. But he watches me so intently, I can’t stop myself.
“I didn’t want to kiss you because I was sleep-deprived. I wanted to kiss you because I wanted to kiss you,” I tell him. “I wanted to kiss you because you were leaving. Because I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again, because…” My voice trails off.
He doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then—
“I wanted to kiss you too.”
Am I…Am I hearing him correctly?
“But…you jerked back, Azar. The look on your face…”
“I freaked out, Nur. What do you do when the moment you’ve been hoping for your whole life finally happens?”
I stare at him. Unable to speak. Unable to move.
“I panicked. And then before I could gather myself and tell you how I felt, you started laughing. Told me it was a mistake. You looked mortified. You begged me to forget it. I accepted it. I made my peace with it, but—” His eyes lock into mine. “But that doesn’t mean I’ve gotten past it.”
“Azar—”
“Why do you think it never ends up working out for me?” he asks. “Why am I a perpetual bachelor? Why did things fizzle with Zayna?” He searches my face. “I tried. I tried harder with her than I had anyone else, but it didn’t work. Because she’s not you. No one else is you. Why did I leave New York as soon as I could? That day I showed up at your place to tell you I was back in town…I swore to myself I’d work up the nerve and tell you how I felt. But then you made it clear you didn’t feel the same. Again, I accepted it. I figured even if it can’t be the way I’d want it to be in an ideal world, I wanted to be near you. However I could be in your life, I’d take it. I love you. And it’s time I finally told you instead of being so afraid I’d lose you if I said anything. In the hospital the other day, when I knew I really did almost lose you…my whole life flashed before my eyes. Nur, I love you. I do.”
He sits so close. I take in the wavy hair across his forehead. His heart-shaped mouth. His breath against my skin—sweet and warm.
“How do you feel?” he asks. “All these years later?”
“Azar.” My voice breaks. “How could you not know how I feel? I love you too. Always have. I can’t remember a moment that I didn’t.”
He moves closer to me. So close there’s hardly any space between us. He cups my face gently with his hands. “Can I kiss you, Nur?”
“You’re about ten years too late, so yes, I think—”
He kisses me. My breath hitches, and then I kiss him back. Harder. I taste the chocolate against his tongue. His arms wrap tight around my waist. I sink back onto the bed, his mouth still pressed against mine. I run my fingers through his hair, wrap my arms around him, drawing him closer. He kisses my neck. His mouth trails my collarbone. Tears spring to my eyes. Ten years. We lost a decade over a misunderstanding. But slowly, all thoughts vanish. There is only this moment. Azar and me, together.