Chapter 30 #2
There were about ten photographs, the ones he’d had printed.
If he closed his eyes, he could describe them all.
Gem with her head turned, the curve of her ear, cheek, and neck all captured in one seamless line, a smile evident even without her mouth being visible.
Gem smelling the dahlias outside the florist shop, eyes closed and face serene as she took in the scent.
Gem laughing unabashedly at a joke someone had said, eyes squeezed tightly closed.
Gem by the lake, in silhouette from behind, all the colors of the water and the autumn trees around her as she took in the view and he took in the sight of her through his lens.
Hazarding a glance up at her, he tried to decipher her expression as she examined all the pictures, moving them gingerly with her hands, like she was worried she might ruin them.
When she looked up at him, twin tears streaked down her cheeks and his heart seized, worried that he might have done the wrong thing, taking these pictures, showing them to her.
“I quit my job,” he blurted out, an attempt to—what?
Somehow change the subject? Distract her?
He had made the decision just before leaving his parents’ for good.
Like a coward, he had only spoken to Gayle about it, and she had promised to process the paperwork for him and try to make it as painless as possible.
“We’ll miss you,” she’d said. The most evidence of emotion the no-nonsense secretary had ever given him. “You were good for this place.” A pause. “But I understand.”
It was the most absolution he could hope for, and he would take it.
“I couldn’t do it anymore. I forgave Henry—Hank, Mr. Fordham, whatever.
That part was easy. And I brought the company—well, my reputation, at least—back from the brink of disaster with the Katy-and-Noah thing.
Emily moved on to terrorize someone else.
Everyone seemed happy.” He shook his head.
“But I couldn’t do it anymore. Because even Katy and Noah—it wasn’t real.
It was still deceit. Maybe this time it had worked, okay, fine.
But it wasn’t any different from all the things I had been doing to get me into this mess.
And it didn’t feel right anymore.” He tapped the photos.
“This did.” Swallowed hard. “Being with you did.”
She scrubbed at her face. “Ethan, I—” Tears welled up again as she looked down. “These are beautiful. I’ve never seen myself like this before.” The words were said softly, absently, as though she had wanted to say something else, but that had come out instead.
“That’s how I see you, Gem,” he said softly. “Don’t you get it?”
“But—” She let out a little sob, swallowing hard before she could go on. “All these years. I know I’ve been harsh to you, made things harder than they needed to be. I’ve judged you, pushed you away, and told myself everything was your fault when it wasn’t.” She sniffled. “Not everything anyway.”
He chuckled, sounding strangled and watery even to his own ears, his throat tight with emotion.
“I never really treated you like an equal—just someone I knew would always be there, who occasionally needed to be corrected or managed. I see now—” She paused, shaking her head as her voice broke. “I can see now how wrong that was. How unfair.
“You were never the one who needed fixing. I was. I was scared to let you in, scared that if I did, I’d lose control of everything I’d built for myself.
But I see you now. Really see you. And I’m so sorry, Ethan.
” She was crying in earnest, and it was all he could do to keep squeezing her hand, the only lifeline he would allow himself until he could say everything he wanted to say.
“I’m so damn sorry,” she continued, “for how long it’s taken me to say that. You deserved better from me.”
He was already shaking his head. “No, Gem, no. It’s not that at all.
I knew you had your own life and your own plans.
I knew you had your way of doing things.
and I’ve always admired that. I never wanted to take that from you.
” He let out a shaky breath, his jaw tightening.
“And I know I didn’t always make it easy, either.
I could’ve said what I felt sooner. I could’ve fought harder.
But I thought…maybe you were better off without me.
That’s on me, not you.” He looked down, his throat working as he forced himself to keep going.
“If all you want is friendship, then I’ll take that.
I can do that. Because having you in my life, in any way at all, will always be better than not having you.
” His nose stung, his voice was catching. “I just needed you to know that.”
Her tears were running silently down her face, her eyes shimmering cerulean behind them. She pulled her hand out from underneath his and reached across the table, cupping his face. He closed his eyes briefly to fully immerse himself in the feel of her touch, lifting his own hand to cover hers.
“Fuck being friends.”
He blinked his eyes open, not sure if he’d heard her correctly.
“What—?”
“Fuck being friends,” she said again, louder, more vehemently. “Ethan.” She stroked his cheeks with her thumbs, eyebrows rising in burgeoning hope. “My Ethan. You know that, right? That you’ve always been mine?”
He let out a laugh, short of breath with all the hope swelling in his chest. Is this really happening? “Have I?”
She nodded, laughing as well through her tears, and she climbed over the table, carefully avoiding the photographs strewn about, to crawl into his arms. He caught her easily, fitting her perfectly into his lap, dizzy with the reality of what was happening.
“Yes,” she said quietly once she had settled, arms linked around his neck. “From the beginning.” She shook her head. “I can’t do any more speeches, Ethan. I’m tapped. I’ve reached my quota for the next decade.”
“It’s true,” he agreed, and they both chuckled through their tears. His expression shifted, growing more serious. “I don’t need a speech, Julia. I just need you to understand how much I love you. How I’ve always loved you.”
She let out a sob that sounded like a laugh. “Maybe,” she mused through her happy tears, “if I actually loved you a little less, I would have the capacity to make another speech about it. And,” she added, “it’s not Julia. It’s Gem.”
Leaning in, he kissed her. For all the years they’d lost, all the times he hadn’t done it and he should have, the time he’d reciprocated and it had almost been the end of them, the time he had done it in the shed and still left.
For all the kisses between them that had and hadn’t occurred, he kissed her.
She deepened the kiss, twining her arms around his neck more tightly, pulling away slightly to whisper against his lips.
“Take me to my bedroom.”