Chapter Twenty-Three
For just a minute, Carly gave in to the kiss before she pushed against his chest. He broke away from her only to stare at her with fiery torture in his eyes.
“Carly—” he started to say, but she walked away, back into the living room.
She heard the front door close and then his footsteps as he followed behind her. When she turned around to face him, he was reaching out as if to grab her again. She took a step back.
“Don’t,” she said so coldly that he reared back a little. She wrapped her arms around her waist, hugging herself.
She loved this silly, foolish man so much. But after today, she might never see him again. Well…that was impossible in a town as small as Tenacity. They’d see each other again whether they wanted to or not. And it’d be like a knife stabbing her every time she did.
“I deserve that,” he muttered.
He looked so broken that she had to turn away. She went to her favorite spot in front of the large living room window and stared at the paddock and woods in the distance.
“Who was that guy?” he asked.
“My ex. And he’s not what I want to talk about right now.
” She couldn’t bear to look at Jesse. “It’s been three days of near complete silence from you.
Is it because I stepped in when Oscar asked to hang out with his friends at the festival?
I thought we’d made peace with that. If you don’t want to be with me anymore—”
“Stop,” Jesse interrupted. She could see in the reflection that he took his hat off and tossed it onto the nearby chair. “For once in my life, I can’t blame my actions on being an overprotective dad…”
She turned to face him then, leaning her back against the cool window. “What do you mean?”
Jesse ran an aggravated hand through his hair.
“The way I’ve been acting had nothing to do with Oscar.
Probably since the first time I saw you, I’ve been afraid.
And when I saw Nieve fall onto you, it brought all my fears to the surface.
I saw you lying there, and I couldn’t even think.
Oscar was starting to panic, and Grayson and JenniLynn had to step in and help him.
I was paralyzed. I couldn’t have done anything if I wanted to. ”
“But why?” Carly said, trying not to cry. “Why do you keep pushing me away? What are you afraid of?”
“Losing you,” he confessed in a pained whisper. “I can’t lose you.”
The anger and hurt that had been pulverizing Carly since he pretty much went no contact, relented as she heard the anguish in his voice. “I don’t understand. I’m right here. I’m not the one pushing anyone away.”
“I know,” Jesse replied, taking a careful step toward her. “But when I saw you lying there, it reminded me of the day I found MaryBeth.”
The remaining rigidness left Carly. In all the scenarios she’d come up with to explain his behavior, for some silly reason, this was one she hadn’t thought of. It seemed so obvious now.
Carly walked over to the couch and sat down. She looked at him and then the spot next to her. He took that as the correct cue and took a seat beside her.
When he didn’t say anything, she said softly, “Tell me about it.”
“I’d come home from my job. I’d been employed at this company working in IT doing analytical work.
I hated it. MaryBeth and I had been fighting more and more about it.
We lived in the city, and it was suffocating me.
I’m a country boy through and through, and I thought Oscar might benefit from the fresh air instead of the city pollution.
MaryBeth didn’t want to move. All the best schools for Oscar are in Houston, she’d say.
“The night before she died, we had gotten into a really bad fight. The kind where I ended up sleeping on the couch. We were polite to each other the next morning, but there was tension like I’d never felt before in our marriage.
We really loved each other, but that last year, we seemed to be on completely different pages.
I hated how we’d left things that morning, and I’d felt uneasy that entire day.
“By the time I got home, I was exhausted. All I wanted was to eat dinner with my family, put Oscar to bed, and then talk to MaryBeth and see if we could come up with a compromise. Instead, I came home to Oscar screaming his head off, saying, ‘Mommy won’t wake up.’ I found MaryBeth in the kitchen unconscious. ”
He turned his head and briefly wiped at his face. She reached out and grabbed the hand that was closest to her.
He looked down at it blankly before continuing with his story.
“I watched them load her up into the ambulance. I couldn’t go with them, not with Oscar as hysterical as he was.
Thankfully, my brother Jonathan was in Texas, but he was still an hour away.
By the time I was finally able to get to the hospital, she was gone. ”
He reached across from her and picked up her injured hand. He leaned down and kissed the brace covering her pulse before he gently placed it back down.
“I blamed myself for years,” he admitted. “If I hadn’t stressed her out maybe she wouldn’t have—”
“No, don’t.” Carly started peppering his face with kisses. “Don’t do that to yourself.”
He half smiled at that. “The damage is already done, I’m afraid.
” He leaned his forehead against hers briefly before pulling back again.
“I felt like I owed it to MaryBeth to be the parent she was to Oscar. I said it before, but she was amazing with him. I put all my efforts into taking care of him. We stayed in Houston for years, in her dream house. I had no time for anyone else other than the occasional fling. I didn’t want to find the time. It was safer that way, you know?”
She nodded. She did know. She’d spent a good chunk of her life pushing people away because it was easier than risking her heart on them.
Jesse tucked a strand of Carly’s hair behind her ear. “Then you came along, and here we are.”
Carly held his hand to her cheek. “And where is that?”
“I love you, Carly,” Jesse said. He didn’t even hesitate. His voice became urgent as he begged, “Please don’t leave me.”
“I’m not going to,” she assured him. How could she? He was her cowboy. He and Oscar were her family now. A party of three.
“But—” Jesse gave her a frustrated look. “I know, okay?”
Carly frowned. Maybe she was distracted by his confession of his feelings, but she somehow lost track of their conversation. “Know what?”
Jesse’s hand fell to her waist as if holding her there. “I know that you’re going to accept the European tour. If it’s what you really want, I won’t stand in your way, but I don’t think it is. I think you want your school and me and Oscar. And I—”
She put a hand over his mouth to silence him. “Who said anything about the European tour?”
He kissed her palm before moving it away from his lips so he could answer. “Amy stopped by my house a little while ago. She told me.”
Carly huffed. “That busybody.” She gently grabbed Jesse’s chin. “I want you to look into my eyes when I tell you this for the last time. I’m not going on the tour. I’m retiring from the circuit to focus on my school.”
Jesse’s forehead furrowed adorably. “Then why did Amy—”
“—tell you otherwise? If I had to guess, she was playing Cupid and got tired of us pussyfooting around each other.”
Jesse looked at her hesitantly. “You said it was an amazing opportunity though. I don’t want you to give it up because of anything holding you back here.”
Carly shook her head. “I’m doing this for myself. The rodeo lifestyle isn’t what I want anymore. Besides, I found out today that my ex was behind the tour.”
“Is that why he was here?” Jesse asked.
Carly sighed, remembering that while she could promise Jesse until she was blue in the face that she’d never leave him, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t want to leave her after what she had to say…and she couldn’t blame him.
Jesse took her good hand and held it against his leg, like an anchor keeping her steady in turbulent seas.
“Tell me about it,” he said, echoing her earlier words and she smiled sadly.
“Elizabeth and I were making a name for ourselves in Australia. We were traveling all over, getting sponsorship deals right and left. The truth is I’ve always had this unhealthy drive to be successful in everything I do.
I was consumed by it, needing to make sure that no matter where I went in the world, I’d never have to struggle again like I did when I was a child. ”
She told him this without meeting his eyes. It was her dirty secret, how much she desired success, to never go without money again.
“That’s understandable given everything you went through as a kid.”
She shrugged a shoulder. She appreciated him saying so.
“And then the unthinkable happened. Elizabeth’s husband died unexpectedly, leaving her a single mom.
She lost all her zeal for life and the circuit, and she decided it was time for her and the kids to go back to the States.
She told me I should come with her, but around that time, I met this bull rider, Fletch Alistair.
He was your typical spoiled rich boy who only got top billing in the circuit because his father owned it.
He wanted credibility, and what better way to do that than to date one of the Hawkins Sisters? ”
Carly’s mouth pursed with bitterness as she recalled how hard he pursued her.