Chapter 15 #3
‘I just want to know…’ Hope hesitated again, knowing that once the words were out there, he was going to respond and then she’d have to choose what to do with whatever options he presented to her.
She couldn’t keep mulling this decision over forever, though, and she was never going to be able to fully relax until she was at peace with the choice she’d made.
She was nowhere near that stage yet and maybe, just maybe, Louie could help her get there.
‘My question is, if you had a child out there somewhere, who you didn’t know about, would you want to be told? ’
‘Yes.’ Louie’s initial response was unequivocal, coming without a moment’s hesitation, but he wasn’t finished.
‘The trouble is, a question like that will only ever give you one perspective. It’s easy for me to say, in my circumstances.
There’s no one else to consider. I can’t say how I’d feel if I had a partner, or other children, who’d be affected too.
I think I’d still want to know, in fact I’m almost sure I would, but I can’t be 100 per cent certain, because I’m not in that situation. ’
Hope scanned his face for a moment, wondering if he had somehow read her mind, but all he’d done was remind her of what she’d said earlier; that her biological father had his own life, and her sudden appearance might impact that in a negative way.
Louie had said he’d thought he’d want to know the truth, even in those circumstances, but he couldn’t be sure.
He’d been honest from the start and told her he didn’t give advice, just helped people to see the bigger picture, but Hope was all too aware of that already.
It wasn’t Louie’s fault, but she was still no closer to knowing what to do and she couldn’t quite keep the disappointment out of her voice when she responded. ‘Thank you, that was…’
‘Completely useless?’ That lovely smile of his didn’t waver, even as she found herself nodding. ‘I know it’s annoying that I can’t give you an answer, or tell you what to do, but I can ask you this. What do you want?’
‘Does it matter what I want, if it has the power to impact his life far more greatly than mine?’
‘The problem is that you’ll never know what he wants without actually telling him first. That’s what makes this such a difficult decision, because you’re a thoughtful person who cares a lot about others. There is a technique I can recommend you try. Although some people find it uncomfortable.’
‘If you’re going to tell me to write a letter to my inner child, I might have to nip to the ladies and try to squeeze out of the tiny window in there.’ She raised her eyebrows, only half joking, but he laughed anyway.
‘I won’t do that, I promise, I’d hate the Three Ports News to write a viral story about the midwife who got stuck in the toilet window of a tapas bar. I can see the comments section now, people asking if the fire brigade had to use forceps.’ He grinned and it was her turn to laugh.
‘Okay then, as long as it’s not as cringey as that, you might as well tell me about this technique, because nothing else is helping me decide.’
‘You just need to visualise yourself telling your biological father who you are and take note of how doing that makes you feel, the way your body reacts to saying the words. Obviously, you can’t anticipate his response, but if the thought of finally telling him about it makes you smile, or even brings you a sense of relief, then I think you’ll have your answer. It might at least be worth a try.’
‘Thank you and maybe I will.’ She gestured towards one of the bowls in front of her, ready to close the subject again, at least for now. ‘Do you want the last of the calamari?’
‘You can have it, as long as I get to ask you a question this time, that you have to give an honest answer to.’
She hesitated for a moment, really not wanting to talk about the situation with Joe again, but it was only fair Louie got the chance to ask something, and she’d had plenty of practice at being evasive if she wanted to be. ‘Okay.’
‘Would you like to do this again?’ It wasn’t the question she’d been expecting him to ask, and it wasn’t just relief that flooded her body, it felt a lot like endorphins too.
‘Well, the tapas is lovely.’ She grinned, teasing him, and as quick as a flash, Louie moved to skewer the calamari with a fork.
‘If you’re going to leave me hanging like that, I might just have to eat this.
’ He was laughing again and much to her surprise, she found herself wondering what it would be like to kiss him and realising that she really wanted to.
Hope had been determined not to create any more complications for herself when there were already so many, but life seemed to have a way of creating its own.
‘Well, if you’re going to hold my calamari to ransom, I’ll just have to say yes, won’t I?’ She leant forward and took the fork off him, pressing her lips against his for such a brief moment that if anyone watching had blinked, they’d have missed it altogether.
‘I’ll have to start stealing calamari more often if that’s the result.
’ He held her gaze, still smiling and she didn’t need to visualise kissing him again, properly, to decide whether or not this was really what she wanted.
Her body was already reacting, and she was about to step into this new complication with both feet. There was no doubt about that.