Chapter 19 #2
‘I’ve got no doubt that what Laura told you is true and I can see myself, Danni and our dad in some of your expressions.
I don’t need proof. The only “but” is because I wish it hadn’t hurt Esther so much.
It would still have been a huge shock, but if she didn’t want a baby so desperately, or if we already had a family, things would be different.
I’d know for certain then that she’d eventually find a way to come to terms with me having had a child with Laura.
I’m just so worried about her and I know Louie is right about giving her time, but I wish this hadn’t hurt her the way it has.
’ Joe sighed so deeply, it left Hope feeling breathless too.
‘God, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying any of this to you, but I know I couldn’t pull the wool over your eyes even if I wanted to. You’re far too insightful.’
‘Esther being hurt by this was exactly what I was afraid of when I first discovered she was your wife. It was why a big part of me thought it would be better never to say anything.’ Right now, that same big part of Hope was wishing she’d kept her mouth shut altogether and that Danni had never overheard her conversation with Louie, but there was no going back now.
‘I wouldn’t want that.’ Joe shook his head.
‘I meant it when I said I couldn’t have asked for more, but what if I’ve got this incredible gift and Esther never gets to experience anything like it?
She’s longing for a baby, we both are, but I already have a child.
I don’t know how to help her through this.
I don’t even know what I’d advise someone else to do if they came to me.
I’m trained in psychiatry, psychology and counselling, and yet I’ve still got no idea what I’m going to do or say to support Esther when she walks back through that door. ’
He looked at Louie then, who shook his head. ‘Sometimes all the theories in the world can’t help. You might just have to let her take the lead.’
‘I think she already has, and until she’s had enough time and space to process things and work out what she wants, seeing me is the last thing she needs.
’ Hope’s voice was surprisingly steady, despite her stomach roiling like she was on a rollercoaster.
She was about to say something she was almost certain wasn’t true, but she had to say it for Esther’s sake and Joe’s too.
Hope couldn’t let him feel he had to make a choice between her and Esther.
She’d never wanted to make their lives more difficult or painful than the infertility already had.
Hope couldn’t take the revelation of her existence back, but she could take a huge step away, even if she didn’t really want to.
‘All I needed was the chance to meet with you once and if that’s all it can be, I’m okay with that. ’
‘Oh Hope, no, I don’t want—’
She cut him off. ‘Right now, this can’t be about what either of us might want, it has to be about what Esther needs.
There’ll be time for the rest later… maybe.
We know where to find each other now, but I think the best thing I can do is to step away and for you to give Esther the one thing she’s requested, a bit more time. It’s not much to ask for, is it?’
‘No, it isn’t,’ Joe agreed, but his mouth was turned down at the corners and Hope already felt like crying at the thought of saying goodbye, in case it was far more final than she wanted it to be.
Maybe they could hold off on doing that for a little bit longer, but she knew she couldn’t stay beyond the half an hour Esther had said she’d be gone for.
‘I don’t want to be here when Esther feels ready to come back – she shouldn’t have to wait around somewhere because she feels she can’t come home.
So as soon as we’ve drunk this tea, Louie and I are going to go, but maybe you can tell me a little bit more about your life while we’ve got this chance to talk? ’
‘I’d rather hear more about yours.’ Joe met her gaze and she couldn’t help wondering if he knew what she was thinking; that this might be their one and only opportunity to say what needed to be said.
‘How about we take turns? I’ll tell you something about my life and you tell me something about yours in exchange.
’ It sounded a bit like the advice Hope had been given the one and only time she’d been to a ‘speed dating’ job fayre, when she was still at university, where recruiters and potential candidates had a three-minute window to chat before moving on to the next person.
The event organiser had advised candidates to find out as much as they could in the three-minute window they were given and to convey as much as possible about themselves, because it might be their only chance to make a good impression and decide whether or not the employer was a good fit for them.
If the time it took to drink this tea was all she was going to get with Joe, they both needed to make it count.
‘Okay,’ he agreed, suddenly smiling. ‘Well, I should probably start by telling you that it took me four tries to pass my driving test and I spent almost as much money replacing wing mirrors on my first car as I did on filling it up with petrol. So if you’ve got terrible spatial awareness, that probably comes from me. ’
She laughed then for the first time since arriving and it broke the tension.
The next fifteen minutes passed all too quickly, and she found herself wanting to slow down time and make that one cup of tea last all day, but she knew she had to leave.
Joe needed to be there for Esther, and it was up to her to make sure he had the space to do that.
When she’d taken the final sip and set her cup down on the table, she knew their time was up.
‘Thank you so much for the tea and for your honesty about all the things I might have inherited. I particularly look forward to discovering whether I find myself being able to predict an approaching storm by the time I hit forty.’ She laughed again, thinking how easy it would be to form a close bond with Joe if things were different.
His stories had been full of self-deprecating humour, including that fact that once he got to forty, he’d developed an ache in his elbow that allowed him to predict when it was going to rain.
‘And thank you for giving me some more insight into your life with your family.’ Joe got to his feet to join Hope, finally holding his arms out towards her and going in for that hug, which no longer felt anywhere near as awkward as it would have done when she’d first arrived.
They’d squeezed every second out of the short time they’d had together, and she already felt she knew him far better as a result.
‘You really are a miraculous girl and, I know I’ve got no right to say this, but I’m so glad you were raised in a loving family like the Mastersons’.
It makes it far easier to live with the fact that I wasn’t there for my daughter, and they’ve done an amazing job, probably far better than I ever would have done, especially back then. ’
‘Thank you.’ Hope nodded, stepping back from him as what felt like a hundred conflicting emotions swirled around her head.
She wasn’t his daughter, not really, and yet in one undisputable way she was.
His words meant a lot to her, but she couldn’t acknowledge that, otherwise she’d find it far harder to walk away.
Instead, it was her turn to paint on a smile the way Esther had tried so hard to do and say just enough to give them closure, if it turned out that’s what they needed.
‘Despite everything that’s happened, I’m really glad I got the chance to get to know you a little bit better, without having to hide who I am. ’
‘Don’t say that, like this is the end.’ He furrowed his brow, a troubled look in his eyes. ‘It’s just giving Esther some time, like you said, not a last goodbye.’
‘That’s not what I meant.’ Even as the words came out, Hope doubted they were true, because it did feel like the end.
It was why she allowed herself to be folded into his arms for a second time and hugged him tightly in return, wanting to remember how that felt.
In case it was the last hug they ever exchanged.
‘I’ll see you soon then,’ Joe said as she pulled away and she forced herself to nod, even though the action made her neck feel stiff.
‘See you soon.’ Hope headed towards the door, as Joe and Louie said their goodbyes, taking huge gulps of air when she finally got outside, and yet somehow, still feeling breathless as she continued down the path.
‘You handled that so well.’ Louie had to jog down the path to catch up with her, placing a hand on her arm.
‘Stepping away was the right thing to do.’ Her words sounded as hollow as the feeling that had settled in her chest, but if Louie picked up on her tone, he didn’t say so.
‘For now, I think you’re right, but it won’t be forever.’
‘No.’ She closed her eyes then, not wanting him to spot the lie they might reveal, or allow the chance for a tear to escape.