Track 13
ALANA
Crash.
Bang.
Crash, crash, bang.
My eyes snap open, and my skin begins to prickle.
My heart pounds so hard, I can hear it in my ears.
I’m scared. My room is so dark. What was that sound?
My mind starts to fill with scary thoughts, and I’ve never been so terrified in my life.
I cling to Tebby, the velvet terry cloth bear Parker gave me two Christmases ago.
Tebby’s my best friend. Other than Parker, he’s my favorite thing in the whole world.
P said Tebby would protect me when he wasn’t here.
I wish P were here. He’s the bravest big brother I know.
Maybe it’s because he’s eleven. I hope I’ll be brave like P when I’m eleven.
There’s another bang, and it makes me shiver. And then a crash. It sounds like glass is breaking. It happens again, and I squeeze my eyes shut as I silently beg it all to go away. I can hear Mommy crying. Daddy’s voice sounds scary when he yells. Please stop yelling, Daddy. You’re making Mommy cry.
My tears start to wet my pillow. I don’t mean to be crying, but I can’t stop.
I’m trying to be quiet, but it’s too hard when I’m crying so much.
My heart feels like it’s being broken and I’m so, so scared.
P says Daddy gets angry because he isn’t as strong anymore, but he seems strong to me.
He still hurts Mommy. He grabs her face, and he forces her down and—
A sliver of light pierces through my room as my door creaks open, and my savior slips inside. “Lana Lane, shh, it’s okay. I’m here.”
“P!” I mean to whisper it, but my heart is so excited, it comes out too loud.
P holds a finger against his lips. “Shh, we’ll get in trouble. Scoot over.”
I move Tebby to my other side as I shimmy over to the far edge of my bed to make room for my brother. He nestles in beside me and cradles an arm around my shoulders, bringing me and Tebby under it. He holds us close, and I take a big breath. My brother is with me now. Everything will be alright.
“It’s okay, Lana Lane. I’m here,” he says as his hand gently glides against my shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“Why are they fighting?” I ask through sniffles.
“It doesn’t matter. Just don’t think about it, okay?
Just think about… Think about the songs we used to sing when everything was good.
Do you remember the songs Mom would play on the record player?
” I nod, but I really don’t remember. “Good. Think about those, okay? Think about when Mom and Dad would dance in the kitchen and we would run up and hug them. Do you remember that? Think about that, okay? Think about good things, Lana.”
I try my hardest to think about what P is saying, but my brain is too fuzzy. My throat starts to feel tight. I’m nervous to let P down. I start to shake again. “I don’t remember,” I cry. “I’m sorry.”
“No, shh. It’s okay, Lana. Just… Just imagine something. Imagine a good thing. Can you do that?”
I nod again.
“Tell me a good thing you’re thinking of.”
I squeeze my eyes closed and try to think of something good like playing pirates in our old yard at the house on the tree-lined street, but it won’t stick.
My mind is too blurry, too scared about the yelling and banging coming from the other side of the door.
I don’t want it to find its way here. I want to stay safe with P.
I wish we could disappear so no one would find us.
We could disappear with Mommy, and come get Daddy when he’s better. Then we could all be happy.
I look out my window and see the moon, big and white, and I wonder if it can see me back. If the moon can see our home and if it knows what’s happening here. I wonder if it makes the moon sad, too. I think God lives on the moon. That’s why it has a face.
Something else smashes—glass, maybe—and I shudder again before tensing and slamming my eyes shut. Parker holds me tighter.
“It’s okay,” P says again. “I’ll give you my good thing, okay? You ready?” I nod a quick yes, my eyes still closed tight. “But you have to keep it safe, okay? It’s my best one. You promise?” I nod again. “You have to say it, Lana.”
He looks down at me, and I open my eyes to give him my word. “I promise, P.”
“Okay.” Parker takes a deep breath. “Close your eyes.” I do.
“We’re at the beach, just you and me. The waves are loud.
They keep crashing against the sand, but we run away before it gets us.
The sun is so warm on our skin, it's like the sun is hugging us. Can you feel it?” A smile starts to curve my lips as I nod.
“Ahh, it’s so warm, and the sand. The sand is so soft and warm, too. It’s like…like…”
“A blanket!”
“Yeah, Lana. Just like a blanket. A blanket just for us. Just me and you. We lay down in it and stretch our arms out wide and…”
I can barely hear him as I start to trail off into sleep. I’m at the beach. It’s warm at the beach. The sun is hugging me. It’s nice to be hugged.
I hear a song. P is singing.
“Sweet dreams ‘til sunbeams find you. Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you. But in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me…”
My eyes flutter open with a heaviness in my chest. Fear. Loss. A strangling guilt. The weight of it all makes it almost hard to breathe. Panic twists in my gut, threatening to climb its way up my spine. I squeeze my eyes shut and count…
One… It was just a dream… Two… A memory of a time that no longer exists… Three… I’m okay…
“Hey.” Jake’s sleepy rasp sends my eyes back open and my body springs upright. The air is uncomfortably colder with the absence of him. The loss of his arm holding me close has me feeling exposed.
I shake the thought away. It’s not Jake’s job to keep me safe. It wasn’t Parker’s, either. He never should have tried. Things would have been different if he had just—
“You okay?” Jake’s deep voice pulls me out of my head. “You seem…far away.”
“Sorry, I’m just...” I run my hands through my hair, flattening it out. Anxiety stirs again as I remember everything I shared with Jake. The car ride to the secluded cliff. The kiss I stole and can still feel lingering on my lips. My fingers fly up to them.
I don’t finish my sentence because I don’t know what I am.
Lost, maybe.
Broken, undoubtedly.
Confused about why I keep letting pieces of myself slip out around Jake, why I opened up to someone I desperately want to keep away from my chaos.
Guilty for letting him see cracks I swore I’d patched over.
For letting him into a life I know is too messy to welcome him into.
And then kissing him while knowing it won’t make letting him go any easier.
And yet, even as I pull back, some part of me aches at the thought of him stepping away.
“I’m just kind of groggy.” I offer him a half smile, but I can feel the absence of it in my eyes. I find Jake’s gaze, hoping I’m pulling off the easy nature I’m going for, but his brows stay drawn, a tiny crease forming between them as he studies me.
“You sure?”
There’s something about the way he asks it, like he already knows the answer but wants to give me the chance to say it. I won’t. I won’t lead him any further into my mess. He’s too beautiful to drown with me.
“Mm-hmm.” I nod, offering another ghost of a smile.
His jaw tenses, his eyes don’t leave mine even when I try to look away. He gives me a look that says he doesn’t buy it, but he doesn’t push me, either. He stays silent, steady in a way that makes me feel seen and cared for.
My body suddenly becomes overly aware of his presence and closeness, and it makes my core ache. I love the way his broad chest fills out his maroon T-shirt. The curve of his bicep that leads to his beautiful wide hand sprawled out along the top cushion.
His body is sunken into the corner of the couch yet he still takes up all of it.
One of his legs is stretched out long, the other planted on the floor.
The hem of his shirt is bunched above his waistline, giving me a teasing view of his toned abdomen.
My lips part slightly, as if to fight the sudden urge to graze my tongue along his skin.
My eyes snap up to his, and the desire I find in those hazel eyes is almost enough to make me lose control.
It’s different than it was just yesterday, or even before.
It’s like he’s done hiding his feelings behind that wall he had built up.
As if he wants me just as badly as I want him.
If I thought I was reading him wrong, I’m immediately corrected when his tongue peeks out to wet his lips.
He pulls them into his mouth slowly, as if he’s still tasting me.
His eyes never leave mine, daring me to make the next move.
My head begins to spin so fast, I’m afraid to get up.
The air between us hums with unspoken words. My pulse won’t slow. I wish he couldn’t read me this easily, and I wonder when it happened. When one look from him started to make everything I’ve tried to bury rise to the surface like it’s been waiting for him to notice.
I force my eyes away, clearing my throat in an effort to clear my pinballing mind.
He doesn’t move as I stand and climb over his long legs. It’s only then I realize I’m still swimming in his hoodie. A tiny thrill sparks and settles low in my belly at the idea of being in Jake’s clothes, which is not how I should feel right now.
“I’ll be right back,” I say in a pitch that’s far too high. I head to my bedroom to change.
Thirty minutes later, we’re walking to Jake’s place from a few blocks over where he had to park.
I told him I had to head in this direction anyway so I’d take the ride, and thankfully, he didn’t press it.
The truth is I just needed some air. I needed to step away from the madness of my mind, but I didn’t want to do it alone for once.
I wanted to do it with him. I wanted to stay in his quiet calm and his encouraging presence. I just wanted to be with him.