Track 18
ALANA
TODAY IS THE day I’ve been both dreading and anticipating for over a week.
I grab my bag and scurry out the classroom door before Jake has a chance to stop me. Our presentation went well, and luckily, today is our last class so I don’t have to go through this again.
Professor Stanley stopped Jake on the way out to give him something, which I thought would give me a bit more time, but I guess when your legs are half the size of the gorgeous tall man following behind you, even a head start doesn’t make you fast enough.
“Alana, wait,” he calls out, but I keep moving, pretending the windy late-December air is too loud in my ears to hear anything else.
I’m just about to step off the curb when a taxi runs the red light, whipping into a quick turn. My eyes lock with the driver’s, and the horror on his face tells me everything.
My heart slams against my sternum. My vision blows wide.
I’m about to get hit. There’s no space to move, no time to react. My body won’t listen to me. It doesn’t move at all.
In that suspended second, as the world narrows around me, I wonder what people will say about me if I die. If there will be anyone to say anything at all…
I’m pulled out of the way just before the hood of the car reaches where my legs once were.
“Holy shit.” Jake’s eyes are wide, his large hands strong around my arm as he pulls me into him. “Are you okay?” he asks, bringing his free hand to my other arm to hold me steady.
I blink back at Jake, confused and scared and completely unsure of what just happened. If this moment is even real.
He lets go of my arms, and the coolness that greets where his hands just were is more uncomfortable than the prickly chilliness surrounding us.
“S-Sorry… I…” My brain is jumbled and messy, making it hard to find words.
“It’s to the point where you’re running from me?”
I blink and swallow hard, words clogging my throat. I don’t know how to explain myself.
“I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt,” he adds quietly. “Going from making out in a closet to watching you jump into traffic just to get away from me.”
“I’m sorry,” is all I can say.
“Alana,” he presses. The way he says my name is like velvet silk on his tongue. It’s enough to clear my mind.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ran from you.”
His hands find his pockets. “Why did you?”
“I’m…” I try to think of the best way to answer, but when no excuses come to mind, I settle for the truth. “I’m avoiding you.”
Jake’s brows crease, and an uneasiness coats his expression. “Yeah, I can see that. Why?”
“Because,” I huff. “I told you—I have a lot of shit going on, and I don’t want to drag you into it. I just…” I look away, my hand sweeping across my forehead as if the action can clear my conscience.
“So instead of dealing with it,” he says, “you’re pushing me away when every part of you wants the opposite.”
My eyes find his again, pleading for him not to go there, begging him to let me live with the blind eye I’m trying to turn.
“It’s not like that. I’m trying to deal with some things, but it’s not—they’re not easy things to deal with.”
“So let me help you.”
“You can’t, Jake.”
“I can’t, or you don’t want me to?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug, and the motion feels as lost as I am. “Both, maybe? Neither? I’m not sure.”
He licks his lips and releases a frustrated sigh, his head turning to the right before his eyes are back on mine. “You’re making a decision for me I never asked you to make.”
“I have to, Jake. This is my mess—”
“Did it ever dawn on you that maybe I want your mess?” he asks. “That I want you? All of you. Whatever that means, however that comes?”
My breath stutters. “Don’t say things like that.”
“Why not?” He steps closer, swallowing the space between us until the only warmth I have is the heat radiating off him.
“You think I only want you when you’re easy?
When you’re fine? When everything is neat and simple?
” He shakes his head. “Alana, I don’t care how complicated it is.
I…” he hesitates, swallowing as he shifts from one foot to the other.
“I care about you. More than I’ve cared about anything or anyone in my life.
Nothing else matters to me besides that. Besides you.”
“That’s exactly the problem.” My voice cracks, betraying everything I’ve tried so hard to bury.
His jaw flexes. “No. The problem is you keep assuming I’ll walk away. That I can’t handle whatever it is you’re fighting. You won’t even give me the chance.”
“I’m trying to protect you,” I whisper.
“From what?” His voice softens, but the intensity doesn’t fade. “From you? From whatever storm you think you have to carry alone? You’re not a burden, Alana.”
I shake my head, throat closing like a vice. “You don’t know that.”
“Then let me.” His voice drops to something rough and earnest, almost pleading. “Let me know all of you. Let me stand next to you instead of chasing you down the street or wondering why you vanish if I get too close.”
My eyes burn, and I blink hard. “Jake…”
He exhales like he’s been holding his breath for days on end.
“I can’t force you to let me in. And I won’t.
But don’t push me away because you’re scared I’ll choose differently than you expect and then tell me it’s for my own good.
I’m right here, Alana. I’ve been right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
My eyes dance between his, searching for the fraction of falsehood I’m bound to find.
Seeking the warning in my gut that tells me not to trust this man with my truth—not to trust anyone with it.
But I can't find it. No alarm sounds, no bells begin to ring.
The earnestness in the hazel eyes before me tells me not only to trust him, but to give into him fully. Wholly. And never look back.
I swallow down my rising nerves and open my mouth to tell him everything. As much as I can get out before I freeze up and close myself off.
“Remember that story I told you about my brother? About why he’s in jail?
” Jake nods, and I take a deep breath, knowing all that I’m about to say is going to change everything between us.
He’ll never look at me the same, and I don’t blame him for it.
Because I never deserved for him to look at me in the first place. “It’s my fault Parker’s in prison.”
“Alana,” he begins, but I stop him right away. I can’t let him downplay my sins. Not this time.
“Listen to me. Parker didn’t buy drugs for my dad.
I did. I got them from his friend, Derek, who basically ran our neighborhood.
We all grew up together, and I thought I could trust him, but it turns out I was wrong.
Super wrong. Derek told me he could help my dad as long as I didn’t tell my brother, so I agreed.
I wanted to help him, and Parker worked so hard already…
” I sniffle, my eyes pricking with tears in response, and swallow past my closing throat.
“I took the drugs and didn’t tell P, and then Derek set us up on the way home. We got pulled over when Derek knew I would have them on me.”
Jake’s eyes close painfully, and he lets out a defeated breath as a tear rolls down my cheek.
“P took the fall for me so I wouldn’t lose my scholarship to UT. So I could be here, doing exactly what I’m trying to do.”
My voice trembles as my nerves completely take over. I force myself to push past them, to tell him the rest.
“That’s why I don’t have time for fun. Or friends.
Or guys. Or parties. I have to save every dollar and finish my degree as fast as I can, so I’m ready and home when Parker gets out this summer.
And everything was right on track until Derek showed up out of nowhere, telling me I need to help him sell what he has now, or else…
” I trail off, the image of Parker behind bars—bars he never belonged behind—crashes through me.
The truth settles heavy in my chest. It’s my fault he’s lost years of his life he can never give back.
Years he sacrificed for me. For my mistake.
The guilt is almost too much to bear, but I don’t deserve to escape it.
Jake grabs me by the shoulders, his head dipping to meet my eyes. His voice is strong and steady. “Or else what, Alana?”
I can barely get the words out. “Or he’ll set Parker up in jail so he doesn’t get out at all.
” My voice is a weak cry, the crack of the heavy burden I’ve been carrying crumbling beneath me.
My hand covers my mouth to hold in my sob as Jake’s arms wrap around me tightly, pulling me into his chest. Safe within his arms, I let it all go as he gently sways me side to side, his lips pressed tenderly to my hair.
When he finally releases me, he wipes my cheeks with his thumbs and looks me over, his eyes trailing every inch of my face as he studies me.
“Is that everything?” he asks, his hand framing my jaw, his thumb caressing my cheek.
I shake my head, completely empty of words.
His lips press into a fine line, his eyes strong on mine.
“Good,” he swallows and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
He’s quiet for a long time, his eyes searching my face, strewn with concern, but I can see the gears turning in his mind.
“What is it that he has to sell?”
I swallow, unsure how to read the steadiness in his tone. “Adderall.”
Jake bites his cheek. “Is he at your house right now?” I nod, my eyes never leaving his. “I want you to do something for me, okay?” His hand cups my chin. “Bring him to Donn’s Monday night. I’ll be there until close. Tell him you have some friends who might be interested—”
“Jake—”
“And make sure he has what he’s selling with him. I’ll take it from there.”
My brows furrow in confusion. “What? No, Jake! I don’t want you to do anything. That’s not why I told you.”
He brings both hands to cradle my face. “I’m glad you told me.”
“Jake, no. You can’t get involved in this.”
“I already am.”
“Jake—”
“Alana,” he breathes, his eyes boring holes into mine. “I already am.”
My eyes flicker between his, tears pooling before I can stop them. I know there’s no turning back from this, no talking him out of whatever he’s already decided. It’s written in the chestnut swirls of his hazel eyes, in the unshakable certainty in his stare. His mind is made up.
All I can do now is try to give him whatever leverage I have. He’s going to do this with or without me. I know it.
“It can’t be cops or anything suspicious,” I say quickly. “He’ll know the second he sees it. He won’t even walk in if—”
“Just…trust me. I know what I’m doing.”
“But—”
“Trust me, okay? I’ve got you.” The jade rim of his eyes catches the light, steady and sure, and in that moment, I know—without a shred of doubt—he means it. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
I nod as his eyes pull me under again. I don’t say the words trapped on my tongue—that I’m not worried about what happens to me. That I couldn’t care less because it would be far better than what I deserve.
I’m worried about what could happen to him.
His lips twitch with the ghost of a smile before he pulls me in. He presses a kiss to my forehead, his hand cradling the back of my head, and I close my eyes, memorizing the feel of him.
Then he lets me go.
And he walks away.
I watch him in stunned silence, his hands buried in his pockets, his gaze never once turning back to find me.
I’m left standing at the intersection of pure admiration and deafening sorrow, wondering how the hell I’ve managed to make a mess of my life all over again, and hating myself for bringing him down with me.